lisaloo

Hi.
I have been living in Melbourne for nearly 3yrs now. If I am totally honest with myself I have never really settled and cannot let go of England - still watch uk tv, buy english products in supermarket, have all english friends apart from work collegues. I think about home and everybody there every single day, i visualise myself walking down street, being with family.
I have two kids, a partner who loves it here. We have built a house, two new cars, boat excellent jobs each with great pay but I'm not happy and am feeling that all these things are just materialistic and dont really matter - my family does.
My partner loves it here and doesnt understand why i am so sad all the time, i have totally lost my personality and feel lonely even though i have many friends here. he does not want to go back at all and says he wont so i have booked a flight in 5wks for 3wks, for myself and the kids to help me because i feel like im in a can thats being crushes at the moment.
I will have a big decision to make when i get back that will effect not just my life but 3 others to because i will have to go home with the kids.
I feel sick, dont want to know if its sunny and want to go home
They say you only live once but so do my kids and is my personal wanting fair on them.
xxxx

Cheetah7

Lisa before you go back and possibly be influenced by family in what will be a major decision, it might be worth speaking to someone impartial about your feelings so you can get things straight in your own mind.

Whether it be a counsellor or just someone who can give you practical and sound advice BEFORE you leave Australia, then I would do it.

Once you are back in the UK, in the arms of your family so to speak, you might find making a balanced decision somewhat harder.

At least talk to someone now to analyse how you are feeling and make a plan of action on how to approach your husband.

Because once you are in the UK, if you are still feeling as you do you may well be tempted not to return at all and that could cause huge problems with your partner to a point of no return.

Talk now, plan now and try and get something sorted so you know that whatever you do decide, it was done with a clear mind.

Good luck, it must be so hard on you.

quoll

Dont you just hate those partners who just dont "get it". I have one of them, he does his best but he isnt going to move home under any circumstances and I wont go home without him - not permanently anyway - and it is too damned hard to train up a new one. He is an Aussie though so I suppose he has a bit of an excuse (boneheaded!!!! oops did I say that?)

I think PP is right, a counsellor may help and, I venture to say, a relationship counsellor would be good, because he needs to actually hear what you are saying rather than just making assumptions about what he thinks you are saying. It may be that you can do this after the holiday - there's an even chance that you will go home, take one look and think, sheesh, why did I even bother! OTOH if you go home, feel at home and dont want to come back, you do need to come back if only to sort things out - it can get legally messy if you take kids and then decide to keep them there and he doesnt agree.

You have a choice, you can either stand up for yourself and your happiness (and no one else is going to do that for you) or you can resign yourself, like many mothers do, to being a bit of a martyr and do it for the family. If you decide to stay here, you can cope, there are ways and tricks of making each day liveable - I wont say that you will be "you" at the end of the day but you can be someone that you can live with and you may be able to survive with regular trips home for a sanity boost - there are several of us on here who do it that way (and make sure the OH earns the moolah to pay for our indulgence as well!!!!).

I would like to think that partners believe they have the responsibility to care for the well being and mental health of their partners but sometimes that sort of goes by the board and their own needs/desires become paramount - bit selfish IMHO.

I hope your trip goes well and you can sort out where to go with your next step!

Cheetah7

Do you think they should start up a training school like they do for dogs, but only for husbands - to shape them up?

We could have various categories of how we want them to shape up.

quoll

Good idea! I've had mine for 35 years and he is a bit of a slow learner - where is the clue-bat icon when you need him?!

joho

You might feel differently when you get there. I know I was shocked at how I felt about it when I went for a hols 12 months after arriving.

Jo

Sunny_Glesga

Oops! just realised, i aint a Husband so i must be exempt

islandergirl

I am hearing you because I feel that way every time I come back, and it is getting harder too, now the dread of leaving people over there to come here starts a few days before I return.

Weird thing is I always hope something will happen that will delay my departure, like a big storm or something that stops the planes so I don't have to go - stupid eh?

Once I get back here to Aus I settle back down within a few weeks, it's always nice to get back to my own house, pets, car etc. Next house will be in the UK though, I'm not doing those horrible airport farewells anymore.

I don't think it's healthy to permanently sacrifice your happiness to your OH + kids, you don't mention how they feel about the UK but I am assuming that you also had a good life there?

On the subject of husbands I told mine I was going back regardless, and now he is wanting to come too. But if you throw an ultimatum down you have to be prepared to stick to it regardless of the result.

Olibeneli

You sound exactly like my wife during her downward spiral in to not liking Oz and wanting to be in the UK. All boiled down to the love between a man and a women. I love my wife, would not want her to live until she died longing for something else and being unhappy. If we are together in the UK is better than together under duress somewhere else. One day your kids grow up and do their own thing.....they will leave home one day and who knows where they will go....what do you have left after that ?. You need the support of lifelong friendships you can trust and family would help as well.

Good advice to speak to a professional counsellor to help you reach a decision.

Good luck...I know exactly how you feel.

Dave_Was

I was too when I first went back after a year or so. However, each time I go back the pull is stronger and I feel like staying more. It's got to the point where once I've booked the ticket, I can't think about anything else apart from going to the UK. Once there, I just help but think that I'm going to have to go back. I'm blessed with a wife that has said that whenever it's time to go to England, she's fine with that, but if at all possible would like to avoid the ping pong routine.

All that said, I have a good friend in a similar boat to me, but each time he goes back he has less of a pull and an attachment.

To the OP, really talk it through and understand what the options are. Really have a good sit down with your other half and explain the situation and how difficult you are finding this.

Good luck.

penny farthing

you really need to go back for much longer than 3 weeks. Is that possible?- say 3-4 months. If after that you have no desire to return then take it from there- not easy- big costly upheaval-
if you could only live between the two countries but OZ is too far to just fly back in a few hours.

thats my advice ..stay longer to really assess your feelings if you can

Dee_dee

Oooh that's just the loveliest most thoughtful post I've read in a long time.

sewak

I came back because my wife missed UK so much that she went on anti depressants - the only thing I would say to you is "life is not a dress rehearsal - this is it - so if you are unhappy - change your surrounding". I am sure that your family will support you

lisa67

Last time I was 'home" I thought I'd find it tough to come back to the US. I actually found it to be the opposite. I realised that what I had in my head of life in the UK was nothing like the reality. It really cleared things up for me...hope it does (one way or the other) for you too.