families left behind
Apr 3rd 2010, 2:05 pm
#16
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 191
Re: families left behind
This is a dilemma I may have to face in a couple of years as both of my grown-up kids are thinking about emigration. The irony of it is that if they do, it will coincide with us moving back home after several years working abroad!
Talk about timing!
Anyway, at least its all out in the open. And I'm grateful for that as I'd hate them to think that they couldn't discuss such life changing plans for fear of upset.
It may just be a 'phase', they're going through. It may be a real goal that they've set themselves. I don't really know at this point in time. I do know however that the thought of them on the other side of the world fills me with dread.
I hope I'll be understanding, supportive and all the rest of it....but its easy to say. Until you're faced with them leaving....
Talk about timing!
Anyway, at least its all out in the open. And I'm grateful for that as I'd hate them to think that they couldn't discuss such life changing plans for fear of upset.
It may just be a 'phase', they're going through. It may be a real goal that they've set themselves. I don't really know at this point in time. I do know however that the thought of them on the other side of the world fills me with dread.
I hope I'll be understanding, supportive and all the rest of it....but its easy to say. Until you're faced with them leaving....
Apr 3rd 2010, 9:17 pm
#17
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Location: scotland
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Re: families left behind
I hope I'll be understanding, supportive and all the rest of it....but its easy to say. Until you're faced with them leaving....[/QUOTE]
Yes I said all that too - it works in theory, bring them up to be independant, let them go etc etc but when the emotions kick in, you've had it!
Yes I said all that too - it works in theory, bring them up to be independant, let them go etc etc but when the emotions kick in, you've had it!
Apr 6th 2010, 9:21 pm
#18
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Re: families left behind
as i mentioned in another thread, I feel the gap is wideneing between the families. I have to make excuses why my grand daughter is not replying to the emails my other grand daughter is sending. I make excuses to my son and daughter for her not foning or emailing very often. I try to make excuses to myself as well but deep down I know if you want to contact someone you will. I know they are wrapped up in their new life, but I feel as if I HAVE no life cos I'm constantly thinking of them. (like you're on a diet and you constantly think of food - if you weren't you wouldn't)
It's just so sad, 5 people have left our life and the 3 grand kids will meet someone, marry and have kids and I will not get to know them.
I am an only child and my mum, before she passed away, had loads of contact with my children and my grandchildren and she was very much loved.
Thankfully, I still have 2 grand children here whom I see very often
It's just so sad, 5 people have left our life and the 3 grand kids will meet someone, marry and have kids and I will not get to know them.
I am an only child and my mum, before she passed away, had loads of contact with my children and my grandchildren and she was very much loved.
Thankfully, I still have 2 grand children here whom I see very often
Apr 6th 2010, 9:41 pm
#19
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: families left behind
My mother has only shown an interest in my daughters since we moved away. Couldn't give a rats arse when we lived five minutes away. Not all mothers/grandmothers are as nice as you appear to be.
Apr 6th 2010, 9:54 pm
#20
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Re: families left behind
that's kind of you to say moneypenny, but at this moment in time I'm sure I'm not very nice. I feel like disgruntled, moaning, resentful, angry, selfish old git!!
But thanks anyway!
But thanks anyway!
Apr 6th 2010, 10:22 pm
#21
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 191
Re: families left behind
You know what they say, 'Those who love the most, hurt the most'.
Its the hardest thing to come to terms with the knowledge that you're no longer the most important person in your child's life. And for the sake of everyone concerned, we have to accept it and find ways to fill the gap with things that make us happy or at least, contented with what we do have rather than what we don't.
Be careful that you don't make yourself ill with all of this. So much anger and hurt is very, very sad. For everyone...
Its the hardest thing to come to terms with the knowledge that you're no longer the most important person in your child's life. And for the sake of everyone concerned, we have to accept it and find ways to fill the gap with things that make us happy or at least, contented with what we do have rather than what we don't.
Be careful that you don't make yourself ill with all of this. So much anger and hurt is very, very sad. For everyone...
Apr 6th 2010, 10:47 pm
#22
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: families left behind
But you're getting that anger and angst out on a public forum, to strangers who know what you're going through, you're not giving it to your loved ones. You're being positive to them. So many mothers feel the need to lay heavy heavy guilt on the shoulders of their loved ones which helps no one.
Apr 8th 2010, 9:28 pm
#23
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Re: families left behind
thank you moneypenny. That's what I feel - better to vent feelings here rather than hurt members of the family.
I don't think my daughter realises how badly I feel and I wouldn't want her to feel guilty. I suppose I just want to be included in her life, which in all fairness, she thinks she does. I will try and be more positive. It's always darkest before the dawn they say.
I don't think my daughter realises how badly I feel and I wouldn't want her to feel guilty. I suppose I just want to be included in her life, which in all fairness, she thinks she does. I will try and be more positive. It's always darkest before the dawn they say.
Apr 18th 2010, 9:10 am
#24
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Posts: 183
Re: families left behind
Jordana my heart goes out to you. My daughter went travelling to Aus in a large group at 21, the night before she left I opened her bedroom door and stood gazing at her sleeping as I worried it might be the last time I would. I had said that it would be so typical of her if she met someone and never came home, she told me not to be so ridiculous.
Well, she did (God dammit I hate always being right) & her friends all came home but she got a flight back to Aus from NZ & has been living with him since. She went in 2007 and I have seen her twice since then, when I add up how many times I'll get to see my darling daughter before I die it makes me weep. She's getting married soon & didn't want to get married here so her Grandparents who had such a huge part in her upbringing can't be at her wedding and that makes me so sad for them.
I find it impossible at times to reconcile the admiration I have for her to go for what she wants in life with the feeling that I've been cheated out of watching her blossom in to full adulthood (she was still a pretty stroppy 21 year old when she left
) get to know the man she's to marry properly etc etc. Unfortunately, reconcile is what I know I have to do, I'm much further down that path than I was 2 years ago & she has learned to be a bit more patient with me until I finally get there.
Well, she did (God dammit I hate always being right) & her friends all came home but she got a flight back to Aus from NZ & has been living with him since. She went in 2007 and I have seen her twice since then, when I add up how many times I'll get to see my darling daughter before I die it makes me weep. She's getting married soon & didn't want to get married here so her Grandparents who had such a huge part in her upbringing can't be at her wedding and that makes me so sad for them.
I find it impossible at times to reconcile the admiration I have for her to go for what she wants in life with the feeling that I've been cheated out of watching her blossom in to full adulthood (she was still a pretty stroppy 21 year old when she left
) get to know the man she's to marry properly etc etc. Unfortunately, reconcile is what I know I have to do, I'm much further down that path than I was 2 years ago & she has learned to be a bit more patient with me until I finally get there.
Apr 18th 2010, 1:18 pm
#25
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Location: Christchurch
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Re: families left behind
This thread made me cry!
Prof Princess you have managed to say what so many of us feel! I have been here in NZ for 12 years now (from UK) and not a day goes by when I don't think of my family and how nice it would be to just pop in for half an hour!
Piff Poff, your posting could have been written by me!
It is so hard leaving loved ones behind and sometimes we get so wrapped up in our lives we forget that they are struggling too, and like so many on here have said we keep a lot of our feelings inside as we don't want to upset/worry our families.
If I had to make the decision all over again I too would never have left the UK.
Prof Princess you have managed to say what so many of us feel! I have been here in NZ for 12 years now (from UK) and not a day goes by when I don't think of my family and how nice it would be to just pop in for half an hour!
Piff Poff, your posting could have been written by me!
It is so hard leaving loved ones behind and sometimes we get so wrapped up in our lives we forget that they are struggling too, and like so many on here have said we keep a lot of our feelings inside as we don't want to upset/worry our families.
If I had to make the decision all over again I too would never have left the UK.
Apr 18th 2010, 2:35 pm
#26
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Re: families left behind
What a heart wrenching thread.
Having experienced both sides of the fence so to speak (moved to Oz and moved back again) I understand the huge emotional issues involved. Our families supported us 100% in our adventure, even though we knew it was breaking their hearts. They never once asked us not to go.
Prof Princess is totally right about the torn in two scenario. Don't ever think your families who've left don't miss you, I'm positive they do. It's just that some people can handle those feelings better than others. I couldn't (I'm a wuss!) and we came back. I don't regret a minute of our adventure.
I wonder, if the people emigrating could actually feel the pain of the families left behind.....would they still go?
Having experienced both sides of the fence so to speak (moved to Oz and moved back again) I understand the huge emotional issues involved. Our families supported us 100% in our adventure, even though we knew it was breaking their hearts. They never once asked us not to go.
Prof Princess is totally right about the torn in two scenario. Don't ever think your families who've left don't miss you, I'm positive they do. It's just that some people can handle those feelings better than others. I couldn't (I'm a wuss!) and we came back. I don't regret a minute of our adventure.
I wonder, if the people emigrating could actually feel the pain of the families left behind.....would they still go?
Apr 18th 2010, 3:11 pm
#27
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 27
Re: families left behind
Or would people still emigrate if some could experience the "seeming to have it all on the surface and you should be greatful for what you have type of thing...and not being able to put a finger on why your life with all you have in your new country is missing something' and also the guilt you can feel when you should be greatful for what you have as some would give their "eye and teeth" for your lifestlye....all along I have said Aus has been good to us in many ways and has changed us for the better as we now fully appreciate what we class as the important things in our lives...not sure though if I knew what I do now I would do it all again.....just a hard lesson to learn at the moment..might change my mind in time though....the lovely thing is though seeing my OH and our sons looking so happy to finally be heading "home".....
We have nothing to go back for in terms of family but being away from our wonderful friends and village really is crippling- we want to scream! We are making new friends here but we are not living the dream that people we left behind seem to think but we have to keep our feelings in as we don't want to upset them and become even more upset. Giving up an going back so soon isn't an option as we came for the family and it would break their hearts for our kids to leave them and vice versa.....
Apr 19th 2010, 8:23 am
#28
slanderer of the innocent
Joined: Dec 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 6,695
Re: families left behind
I wish you all had dysfunctional families like mine. It would be so much easier.
I don't miss my parents at all. I'm very glad they're so far away, they can do far less damage that way and they don't really seem to care that I'm gone.
I wonder why people from close families emigrate, I really do. OH's parents did and he resented for years missing out on growing up with all his cousins, aunts and uncles. *Sigh*
Oh well, hugs all. You are all breaking my heart
I don't miss my parents at all. I'm very glad they're so far away, they can do far less damage that way and they don't really seem to care that I'm gone.
I wonder why people from close families emigrate, I really do. OH's parents did and he resented for years missing out on growing up with all his cousins, aunts and uncles. *Sigh*
Oh well, hugs all. You are all breaking my heart
Apr 20th 2010, 1:50 pm
#29
Home Sweet Home
Joined: Jan 2010
Location: Surrey, England
Posts: 5,128
Re: families left behind
Your post struck a chord with me it really did.
Speaking as someone who has left her Dad, brother, sisters, neices, nephews I can give you a small insight as to what it is like.
You see many of us that have emigrated are torn, we are torn between loving our new life and enjoying what we have done and missing our loved ones in the UK.
I wake up with a heavy heart most days realising that it is over 2 years since I last saw my Dad/family/friends.
I want to go back to visit but we cant afford it, even if we could I am too scared to leave my husband due to him being in a car crash last year - so even if you put the money on the table to get me a ticket, I couldnt leave him - I am not ready and he is not allowed to fly.
So in between enjoying my life in Perth, my Dad calls me every day except Saturdays, if he is late calling me I worry, if I am out - he worries and our phonecalls are repetitive yet essential to the sanity of both of us.
I last saw my Dad when I hugged him goodbye at the Underground, leaving in a drug induced calmness that the doctor had 'prescribed' as I wasnt sleeping. It haunts me that the last image of my Dad is the one of me hugging him and feeling exhausted, empty and numb. And then by the time the tears came, I was in my flat for the last night before I flew out so couldnt see him to do a proper goodbye - I sobbed for over 2 hours.
Each time we see our loved ones on facebook we get upset that there are new pictures detailing how our loved ones have changed - fatter/thinner/older - when did they change without me noticing?, new babies are born, we dont see them or hold them and gradually the new family photos do not contain us, we are not part of the album.
Good news is relished in - with everyone except us, as we are not there to relish in it. I wanted to so badly to hug my neice when she passed her driving test, I had been supporting her on facebook and facebook is how I found out due to the time difference.
We miss funerals because we cant get the funds or the time off work, we miss the parties and the gatherings, the banter and the hugs and the general family 'politics' and gossip that comes with being part of it.
Then when we finally do get a loved one to visit (wanted guest and not gatecrasher) - our heart pounds at the arrival doors at the airport, we get emotional when we see the sign 'landed' and then we cry when they come through.
The time spent with them is as though we have never been apart, we slot back in like a comfy shoe.
Then when we say goodbye and the last we see of them is the sliding doors closing as they disappear, we break our hearts like the day we left them in the UK.
We develop and acquire new things, achieve new stuff, get hurt, get sick and get better, start new jobs - just like we did in the UK, except we do it in a different country and you are not there to share in it just like we are not there to share in your news either.
So when you see/read/hear of your family enjoying their new lives, please please please do not think they dont love you, that they dont battle with the constant internal fight of knowing that they belong in their new country and cannot imagine living anywhere else, and realising just what they have given up in order to do it.
Perth is my home, my family are in England, I dont want to live in England - I like it here, I want it all and I cant have it and that is a pain you cannot do anything about nor take anything for.
Your family loves you, they moved to make a different/better life for themselves but distance does not dilute how much they love and miss you. They just cant tell you it constantly as it will upset both them and you.
So although it is hard for you, I can bet you a million dollars that it is equally hard for your family that have migrated - and never underestimate it.
Speaking as someone who has left her Dad, brother, sisters, neices, nephews I can give you a small insight as to what it is like.
You see many of us that have emigrated are torn, we are torn between loving our new life and enjoying what we have done and missing our loved ones in the UK.
I wake up with a heavy heart most days realising that it is over 2 years since I last saw my Dad/family/friends.
I want to go back to visit but we cant afford it, even if we could I am too scared to leave my husband due to him being in a car crash last year - so even if you put the money on the table to get me a ticket, I couldnt leave him - I am not ready and he is not allowed to fly.
So in between enjoying my life in Perth, my Dad calls me every day except Saturdays, if he is late calling me I worry, if I am out - he worries and our phonecalls are repetitive yet essential to the sanity of both of us.
I last saw my Dad when I hugged him goodbye at the Underground, leaving in a drug induced calmness that the doctor had 'prescribed' as I wasnt sleeping. It haunts me that the last image of my Dad is the one of me hugging him and feeling exhausted, empty and numb. And then by the time the tears came, I was in my flat for the last night before I flew out so couldnt see him to do a proper goodbye - I sobbed for over 2 hours
.Each time we see our loved ones on facebook we get upset that there are new pictures detailing how our loved ones have changed - fatter/thinner/older - when did they change without me noticing?, new babies are born, we dont see them or hold them and gradually the new family photos do not contain us, we are not part of the album.
Good news is relished in - with everyone except us, as we are not there to relish in it. I wanted to so badly to hug my neice when she passed her driving test, I had been supporting her on facebook and facebook is how I found out due to the time difference.
We miss funerals because we cant get the funds or the time off work, we miss the parties and the gatherings, the banter and the hugs and the general family 'politics' and gossip that comes with being part of it.
Then when we finally do get a loved one to visit (wanted guest and not gatecrasher) - our heart pounds at the arrival doors at the airport, we get emotional when we see the sign 'landed' and then we cry when they come through.
The time spent with them is as though we have never been apart, we slot back in like a comfy shoe.
Then when we say goodbye and the last we see of them is the sliding doors closing as they disappear, we break our hearts like the day we left them in the UK.
We develop and acquire new things, achieve new stuff, get hurt, get sick and get better, start new jobs - just like we did in the UK, except we do it in a different country and you are not there to share in it just like we are not there to share in your news either.
So when you see/read/hear of your family enjoying their new lives, please please please do not think they dont love you, that they dont battle with the constant internal fight of knowing that they belong in their new country and cannot imagine living anywhere else, and realising just what they have given up in order to do it.
Perth is my home, my family are in England, I dont want to live in England - I like it here, I want it all and I cant have it and that is a pain you cannot do anything about nor take anything for.
Your family loves you, they moved to make a different/better life for themselves but distance does not dilute how much they love and miss you. They just cant tell you it constantly as it will upset both them and you.
So although it is hard for you, I can bet you a million dollars that it is equally hard for your family that have migrated - and never underestimate it.
Last edited by Beedubya; Apr 20th 2010 at 1:53 pm.
Apr 20th 2010, 2:05 pm
#30
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Joined: May 2007
Location: England
Posts: 4,234
Re: families left behind
We have been in Qld for 3 months and we are really struggling with homesickness- the difference for us is that all the family are here in Qld. My husband is originally from here and because we have no family in the UK (or none that have ever really bothered anyway) we thought that our 3 young kids would really benefit from having family around them and they are. The problem is we are missing our friends and the uk so much it hurts like hell and the kids are missing their friends too. My husband who has lived in the uk for over 20 years feels really homesick for England too and although really enjoys being near his family-feels really miserable. Everyone thinks e should be glad to be 'home' but his home is the UK.
We have nothing to go back for in terms of family but being away from our wonderful friends and village really is crippling- we want to scream! We are making new friends here but we are not living the dream that people we left behind seem to think but we have to keep our feelings in as we don't want to upset them and become even more upset. Giving up an going back so soon isn't an option as we came for the family and it would break their hearts for our kids to leave them and vice versa.....
We have nothing to go back for in terms of family but being away from our wonderful friends and village really is crippling- we want to scream! We are making new friends here but we are not living the dream that people we left behind seem to think but we have to keep our feelings in as we don't want to upset them and become even more upset. Giving up an going back so soon isn't an option as we came for the family and it would break their hearts for our kids to leave them and vice versa.....
