families left behind
Mar 31st 2010, 9:06 am
#1
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2010
Location: scotland
Posts: 35
families left behind
I hope a few people will join this thread in support of one another whose children, brothers, sisters and other family members have emigrated. I know only too well how hurt we feel that they have left us and it's hard to cope at times.
It's pretty difficult to find support too from any magazines or on the web. Workmates and friends all say how easy it is nowadays to keep in touch and how many wonderful holidays we can all have, but they're not here, we can't hug them or kiss them, can we?
I also find it quite difficult to put on a brave face in public when they are mentioned and we say they are enjoying their new life while inside I am crying.
It is sad, I know, from both sides, as I'm sure the ones who have emigrated DO miss us, but I feel that the ones who are left miss them more.
I hope we can offer encouragement to one another.
It's pretty difficult to find support too from any magazines or on the web. Workmates and friends all say how easy it is nowadays to keep in touch and how many wonderful holidays we can all have, but they're not here, we can't hug them or kiss them, can we?
I also find it quite difficult to put on a brave face in public when they are mentioned and we say they are enjoying their new life while inside I am crying.
It is sad, I know, from both sides, as I'm sure the ones who have emigrated DO miss us, but I feel that the ones who are left miss them more.
I hope we can offer encouragement to one another.
Mar 31st 2010, 11:19 am
#2
SUPER MODERATOR
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 88,017
Re: families left behind
I hope a few people will join this thread in support of one another whose children, brothers, sisters and other family members have emigrated. I know only too well how hurt we feel that they have left us and it's hard to cope at times.
It's pretty difficult to find support too from any magazines or on the web. Workmates and friends all say how easy it is nowadays to keep in touch and how many wonderful holidays we can all have, but they're not here, we can't hug them or kiss them, can we?
I also find it quite difficult to put on a brave face in public when they are mentioned and we say they are enjoying their new life while inside I am crying.
It is sad, I know, from both sides, as I'm sure the ones who have emigrated DO miss us, but I feel that the ones who are left miss them more.
I hope we can offer encouragement to one another.
It's pretty difficult to find support too from any magazines or on the web. Workmates and friends all say how easy it is nowadays to keep in touch and how many wonderful holidays we can all have, but they're not here, we can't hug them or kiss them, can we?
I also find it quite difficult to put on a brave face in public when they are mentioned and we say they are enjoying their new life while inside I am crying.
It is sad, I know, from both sides, as I'm sure the ones who have emigrated DO miss us, but I feel that the ones who are left miss them more.
I hope we can offer encouragement to one another.
Mar 31st 2010, 11:46 am
#3
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: families left behind
I think you're probably right with the missing bit. Those that have moved away are so busy starting up their new lives and trying to settle in wherever they've moved to that they don't have the time to think as much as those left behind who have more time (generally speaking).
I'm sure there'll be stacks of people along to offer support, including those who have moved away and then back again because family and friends proved so much more important than their expat lifestyles.
I'm sure there'll be stacks of people along to offer support, including those who have moved away and then back again because family and friends proved so much more important than their expat lifestyles.
Mar 31st 2010, 1:12 pm
#4
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: families left behind
I hope a few people will join this thread in support of one another whose children, brothers, sisters and other family members have emigrated. I know only too well how hurt we feel that they have left us and it's hard to cope at times.
It's pretty difficult to find support too from any magazines or on the web. Workmates and friends all say how easy it is nowadays to keep in touch and how many wonderful holidays we can all have, but they're not here, we can't hug them or kiss them, can we?
I also find it quite difficult to put on a brave face in public when they are mentioned and we say they are enjoying their new life while inside I am crying.
It is sad, I know, from both sides, as I'm sure the ones who have emigrated DO miss us, but I feel that the ones who are left miss them more.
I hope we can offer encouragement to one another.
It's pretty difficult to find support too from any magazines or on the web. Workmates and friends all say how easy it is nowadays to keep in touch and how many wonderful holidays we can all have, but they're not here, we can't hug them or kiss them, can we?
I also find it quite difficult to put on a brave face in public when they are mentioned and we say they are enjoying their new life while inside I am crying.
It is sad, I know, from both sides, as I'm sure the ones who have emigrated DO miss us, but I feel that the ones who are left miss them more.
I hope we can offer encouragement to one another.
Speaking as someone who has left her Dad, brother, sisters, neices, nephews I can give you a small insight as to what it is like.
You see many of us that have emigrated are torn, we are torn between loving our new life and enjoying what we have done and missing our loved ones in the UK.
I wake up with a heavy heart most days realising that it is over 2 years since I last saw my Dad/family/friends.
I want to go back to visit but we cant afford it, even if we could I am too scared to leave my husband due to him being in a car crash last year - so even if you put the money on the table to get me a ticket, I couldnt leave him - I am not ready and he is not allowed to fly.
So in between enjoying my life in Perth, my Dad calls me every day except Saturdays, if he is late calling me I worry, if I am out - he worries and our phonecalls are repetitive yet essential to the sanity of both of us.
I last saw my Dad when I hugged him goodbye at the Underground, leaving in a drug induced calmness that the doctor had 'prescribed' as I wasnt sleeping. It haunts me that the last image of my Dad is the one of me hugging him and feeling exhausted, empty and numb. And then by the time the tears came, I was in my flat for the last night before I flew out so couldnt see him to do a proper goodbye - I sobbed for over 2 hours
.Each time we see our loved ones on facebook we get upset that there are new pictures detailing how our loved ones have changed - fatter/thinner/older - when did they change without me noticing?, new babies are born, we dont see them or hold them and gradually the new family photos do not contain us, we are not part of the album.
Good news is relished in - with everyone except us, as we are not there to relish in it. I wanted to so badly to hug my neice when she passed her driving test, I had been supporting her on facebook and facebook is how I found out due to the time difference.
We miss funerals because we cant get the funds or the time off work, we miss the parties and the gatherings, the banter and the hugs and the general family 'politics' and gossip that comes with being part of it.
Then when we finally do get a loved one to visit (wanted guest and not gatecrasher) - our heart pounds at the arrival doors at the airport, we get emotional when we see the sign 'landed' and then we cry when they come through.
The time spent with them is as though we have never been apart, we slot back in like a comfy shoe.
Then when we say goodbye and the last we see of them is the sliding doors closing as they disappear, we break our hearts like the day we left them in the UK.
We develop and acquire new things, achieve new stuff, get hurt, get sick and get better, start new jobs - just like we did in the UK, except we do it in a different country and you are not there to share in it just like we are not there to share in your news either.
So when you see/read/hear of your family enjoying their new lives, please please please do not think they dont love you, that they dont battle with the constant internal fight of knowing that they belong in their new country and cannot imagine living anywhere else, and realising just what they have given up in order to do it.
Perth is my home, my family are in England, I dont want to live in England - I like it here, I want it all and I cant have it and that is a pain you cannot do anything about nor take anything for.
Your family loves you, they moved to make a different/better life for themselves but distance does not dilute how much they love and miss you. They just cant tell you it constantly as it will upset both them and you.
So although it is hard for you, I can bet you a million dollars that it is equally hard for your family that have migrated - and never underestimate it.
Mar 31st 2010, 5:56 pm
#5
Scottish Canuck
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: Auld Scotia > Nova Scotia > Calgary
Posts: 3,703
Re: families left behind
Your post struck a chord with me it really did.
Speaking as someone who has left her Dad, brother, sisters, neices, nephews I can give you a small insight as to what it is like.
You see many of us that have emigrated are torn, we are torn between loving our new life and enjoying what we have done and missing our loved ones in the UK.
I wake up with a heavy heart most days realising that it is over 2 years since I last saw my Dad/family/friends.
I want to go back to visit but we cant afford it, even if we could I am too scared to leave my husband due to him being in a car crash last year - so even if you put the money on the table to get me a ticket, I couldnt leave him - I am not ready and he is not allowed to fly.
So in between enjoying my life in Perth, my Dad calls me every day except Saturdays, if he is late calling me I worry, if I am out - he worries and our phonecalls are repetitive yet essential to the sanity of both of us.
I last saw my Dad when I hugged him goodbye at the Underground, leaving in a drug induced calmness that the doctor had 'prescribed' as I wasnt sleeping. It haunts me that the last image of my Dad is the one of me hugging him and feeling exhausted, empty and numb. And then by the time the tears came, I was in my flat for the last night before I flew out so couldnt see him to do a proper goodbye - I sobbed for over 2 hours.
Each time we see our loved ones on facebook we get upset that there are new pictures detailing how our loved ones have changed - fatter/thinner/older - when did they change without me noticing?, new babies are born, we dont see them or hold them and gradually the new family photos do not contain us, we are not part of the album.
Good news is relished in - with everyone except us, as we are not there to relish in it. I wanted to so badly to hug my neice when she passed her driving test, I had been supporting her on facebook and facebook is how I found out due to the time difference.
We miss funerals because we cant get the funds or the time off work, we miss the parties and the gatherings, the banter and the hugs and the general family 'politics' and gossip that comes with being part of it.
Then when we finally do get a loved one to visit (wanted guest and not gatecrasher) - our heart pounds at the arrival doors at the airport, we get emotional when we see the sign 'landed' and then we cry when they come through.
The time spent with them is as though we have never been apart, we slot back in like a comfy shoe.
Then when we say goodbye and the last we see of them is the sliding doors closing as they disappear, we break our hearts like the day we left them in the UK.
We develop and acquire new things, achieve new stuff, get hurt, get sick and get better, start new jobs - just like we did in the UK, except we do it in a different country and you are not there to share in it just like we are not there to share in your news either.
So when you see/read/hear of your family enjoying their new lives, please please please do not think they dont love you, that they dont battle with the constant internal fight of knowing that they belong in their new country and cannot imagine living anywhere else, and realising just what they have given up in order to do it.
Perth is my home, my family are in England, I dont want to live in England - I like it here, I want it all and I cant have it and that is a pain you cannot do anything about nor take anything for.
Your family loves you, they moved to make a different/better life for themselves but distance does not dilute how much they love and miss you. They just cant tell you it constantly as it will upset both them and you.
So although it is hard for you, I can bet you a million dollars that it is equally hard for your family that have migrated - and never underestimate it.
Speaking as someone who has left her Dad, brother, sisters, neices, nephews I can give you a small insight as to what it is like.
You see many of us that have emigrated are torn, we are torn between loving our new life and enjoying what we have done and missing our loved ones in the UK.
I wake up with a heavy heart most days realising that it is over 2 years since I last saw my Dad/family/friends.
I want to go back to visit but we cant afford it, even if we could I am too scared to leave my husband due to him being in a car crash last year - so even if you put the money on the table to get me a ticket, I couldnt leave him - I am not ready and he is not allowed to fly.
So in between enjoying my life in Perth, my Dad calls me every day except Saturdays, if he is late calling me I worry, if I am out - he worries and our phonecalls are repetitive yet essential to the sanity of both of us.
I last saw my Dad when I hugged him goodbye at the Underground, leaving in a drug induced calmness that the doctor had 'prescribed' as I wasnt sleeping. It haunts me that the last image of my Dad is the one of me hugging him and feeling exhausted, empty and numb. And then by the time the tears came, I was in my flat for the last night before I flew out so couldnt see him to do a proper goodbye - I sobbed for over 2 hours
.Each time we see our loved ones on facebook we get upset that there are new pictures detailing how our loved ones have changed - fatter/thinner/older - when did they change without me noticing?, new babies are born, we dont see them or hold them and gradually the new family photos do not contain us, we are not part of the album.
Good news is relished in - with everyone except us, as we are not there to relish in it. I wanted to so badly to hug my neice when she passed her driving test, I had been supporting her on facebook and facebook is how I found out due to the time difference.
We miss funerals because we cant get the funds or the time off work, we miss the parties and the gatherings, the banter and the hugs and the general family 'politics' and gossip that comes with being part of it.
Then when we finally do get a loved one to visit (wanted guest and not gatecrasher) - our heart pounds at the arrival doors at the airport, we get emotional when we see the sign 'landed' and then we cry when they come through.
The time spent with them is as though we have never been apart, we slot back in like a comfy shoe.
Then when we say goodbye and the last we see of them is the sliding doors closing as they disappear, we break our hearts like the day we left them in the UK.
We develop and acquire new things, achieve new stuff, get hurt, get sick and get better, start new jobs - just like we did in the UK, except we do it in a different country and you are not there to share in it just like we are not there to share in your news either.
So when you see/read/hear of your family enjoying their new lives, please please please do not think they dont love you, that they dont battle with the constant internal fight of knowing that they belong in their new country and cannot imagine living anywhere else, and realising just what they have given up in order to do it.
Perth is my home, my family are in England, I dont want to live in England - I like it here, I want it all and I cant have it and that is a pain you cannot do anything about nor take anything for.
Your family loves you, they moved to make a different/better life for themselves but distance does not dilute how much they love and miss you. They just cant tell you it constantly as it will upset both them and you.
So although it is hard for you, I can bet you a million dollars that it is equally hard for your family that have migrated - and never underestimate it.
Mar 31st 2010, 6:02 pm
#6
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2010
Location: scotland
Posts: 35
Re: families left behind
yes I must agree, a really good and informative answer. Makes one realise how it must feel from the other side of the coin.
thanks for replying
thanks for replying
Mar 31st 2010, 6:37 pm
#7
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Tyldesley Manchester UK
Posts: 1,095
Re: families left behind
I know exactly how you feel. Nearly 4 years ago we went on holiday and on our return my daughter and husband announced that they were thinking of emigrating to New Zealand. This was in January 2006, my son in law did a reccie in March got a job and left in June my daughter & only grandson went in August after my grandson who was 14 at the time had finished school for the summer holidays. We have only got 1 grandchild and had always been very close to him having him sleep over etc so it was a big wrench when they had all gone. I do have a son as well but he is not married.
When they first went they were on the webcam most days obviously feeling very homesick at the time. Then time went on and they don't come on quite as often as they used to. Even if they had not gone my grandson would have grown away from us because he is now 18 and would not have wanted to go out with the "old people" would he.
I am on Talktalk International and can ring New Zealand for free so if I feel the need I give them a ring. My daughter tells me she loves us every time we speak to her which she never did when she lived 10 minutes away.
I feel very proud of them, they have opened an English butchers shop from scratch and its doing very well. This is something they would not have been able to do in the UK because it would have cost far too much.
You say your husband has an heart condition so has mine. He had an heart attack in 1998 and also has Angina. We checked with the doctor and he can travel the distance so we have been every year since they went which is 4 times. We are spending their inheritance on the flights which is their fault if they choose to go so far away lol. We go for 6 weeks and at the back of my mind there is always the fact that this could be the last time so we try to make the most of it because one day it will be.
As much as I miss them I would not want them to return because if they did it would mean everything had gone wrong and I wold not want that to happen.
Please try to think of all the good things that they are doing with their lives and what a good job you did with their upbringing.
June
When they first went they were on the webcam most days obviously feeling very homesick at the time. Then time went on and they don't come on quite as often as they used to. Even if they had not gone my grandson would have grown away from us because he is now 18 and would not have wanted to go out with the "old people" would he.
I am on Talktalk International and can ring New Zealand for free so if I feel the need I give them a ring. My daughter tells me she loves us every time we speak to her which she never did when she lived 10 minutes away.
I feel very proud of them, they have opened an English butchers shop from scratch and its doing very well. This is something they would not have been able to do in the UK because it would have cost far too much.
You say your husband has an heart condition so has mine. He had an heart attack in 1998 and also has Angina. We checked with the doctor and he can travel the distance so we have been every year since they went which is 4 times. We are spending their inheritance on the flights which is their fault if they choose to go so far away lol. We go for 6 weeks and at the back of my mind there is always the fact that this could be the last time so we try to make the most of it because one day it will be.
As much as I miss them I would not want them to return because if they did it would mean everything had gone wrong and I wold not want that to happen.
Please try to think of all the good things that they are doing with their lives and what a good job you did with their upbringing.
June
Apr 1st 2010, 1:57 pm
#8
Joined: Feb 2006
Location: Red Deer, Alberta
Posts: 10,612
Re: families left behind
I agree with PP's post - it made me cry, all those feelings I keep buried so I can cope with day to day life just bubbled up and over when I was reading her post.
Just remember those of us that have left you behind miss you all like crazy, a phone call isn't the same, I can't figure out how to make skype work and we're not always as happy as we sound on the phone. When everything is crap in our new worlds we quite often hide it when on the phone so our loved ones don't worry about us. I personally wish we had never moved but do love our lives where we are, we are at a point where we can't move for upsetting the kids schooling and are not sure if we would actually fit back into the UK, we didn't hate it there and we don't hate it here but we (I) wished we had stayed UK side of the world!!!
Just remember those of us that have left you behind miss you all like crazy, a phone call isn't the same, I can't figure out how to make skype work and we're not always as happy as we sound on the phone. When everything is crap in our new worlds we quite often hide it when on the phone so our loved ones don't worry about us. I personally wish we had never moved but do love our lives where we are, we are at a point where we can't move for upsetting the kids schooling and are not sure if we would actually fit back into the UK, we didn't hate it there and we don't hate it here but we (I) wished we had stayed UK side of the world!!!
Apr 1st 2010, 7:15 pm
#9
Just Joined
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 11
Re: families left behind
What a lovely thread!!!!
One of my sons left for Australia 2 years ago today. I miss him so much at times it hurts but I was told once the greatest gift you can give your children is Independance.
I would not like him living on my doorstep but I just want to be able to give him an occasional hug. The time difference hurts as well, every phone call is planned when something exciting happens or family news it has to wait until the weekend, because I work.
I think we are both "brave" when we speak I never admit how much I miss him and I am sure there are times when he does feel a bit homesick (ie big football events when he knows where all his friends are without him) but he wouldn't want me to be aware of that.
As always it was lovely to read PP's insightful reply.
One of my sons left for Australia 2 years ago today. I miss him so much at times it hurts but I was told once the greatest gift you can give your children is Independance.
I would not like him living on my doorstep but I just want to be able to give him an occasional hug. The time difference hurts as well, every phone call is planned when something exciting happens or family news it has to wait until the weekend, because I work.
I think we are both "brave" when we speak I never admit how much I miss him and I am sure there are times when he does feel a bit homesick (ie big football events when he knows where all his friends are without him) but he wouldn't want me to be aware of that.
As always it was lovely to read PP's insightful reply.
Apr 2nd 2010, 3:21 am
#10
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 11,272
Re: families left behind
Your post struck a chord with me it really did.
Speaking as someone who has left her Dad, brother, sisters, neices, nephews I can give you a small insight as to what it is like.
You see many of us that have emigrated are torn, we are torn between loving our new life and enjoying what we have done and missing our loved ones in the UK.
I wake up with a heavy heart most days realising that it is over 2 years since I last saw my Dad/family/friends.
I want to go back to visit but we cant afford it, even if we could I am too scared to leave my husband due to him being in a car crash last year - so even if you put the money on the table to get me a ticket, I couldnt leave him - I am not ready and he is not allowed to fly.
So in between enjoying my life in Perth, my Dad calls me every day except Saturdays, if he is late calling me I worry, if I am out - he worries and our phonecalls are repetitive yet essential to the sanity of both of us.
I last saw my Dad when I hugged him goodbye at the Underground, leaving in a drug induced calmness that the doctor had 'prescribed' as I wasnt sleeping. It haunts me that the last image of my Dad is the one of me hugging him and feeling exhausted, empty and numb. And then by the time the tears came, I was in my flat for the last night before I flew out so couldnt see him to do a proper goodbye - I sobbed for over 2 hours.
Each time we see our loved ones on facebook we get upset that there are new pictures detailing how our loved ones have changed - fatter/thinner/older - when did they change without me noticing?, new babies are born, we dont see them or hold them and gradually the new family photos do not contain us, we are not part of the album.
Good news is relished in - with everyone except us, as we are not there to relish in it. I wanted to so badly to hug my neice when she passed her driving test, I had been supporting her on facebook and facebook is how I found out due to the time difference.
We miss funerals because we cant get the funds or the time off work, we miss the parties and the gatherings, the banter and the hugs and the general family 'politics' and gossip that comes with being part of it.
Then when we finally do get a loved one to visit (wanted guest and not gatecrasher) - our heart pounds at the arrival doors at the airport, we get emotional when we see the sign 'landed' and then we cry when they come through.
The time spent with them is as though we have never been apart, we slot back in like a comfy shoe.
Then when we say goodbye and the last we see of them is the sliding doors closing as they disappear, we break our hearts like the day we left them in the UK.
We develop and acquire new things, achieve new stuff, get hurt, get sick and get better, start new jobs - just like we did in the UK, except we do it in a different country and you are not there to share in it just like we are not there to share in your news either.
So when you see/read/hear of your family enjoying their new lives, please please please do not think they dont love you, that they dont battle with the constant internal fight of knowing that they belong in their new country and cannot imagine living anywhere else, and realising just what they have given up in order to do it.
Perth is my home, my family are in England, I dont want to live in England - I like it here, I want it all and I cant have it and that is a pain you cannot do anything about nor take anything for.
Your family loves you, they moved to make a different/better life for themselves but distance does not dilute how much they love and miss you. They just cant tell you it constantly as it will upset both them and you.
So although it is hard for you, I can bet you a million dollars that it is equally hard for your family that have migrated - and never underestimate it.
Speaking as someone who has left her Dad, brother, sisters, neices, nephews I can give you a small insight as to what it is like.
You see many of us that have emigrated are torn, we are torn between loving our new life and enjoying what we have done and missing our loved ones in the UK.
I wake up with a heavy heart most days realising that it is over 2 years since I last saw my Dad/family/friends.
I want to go back to visit but we cant afford it, even if we could I am too scared to leave my husband due to him being in a car crash last year - so even if you put the money on the table to get me a ticket, I couldnt leave him - I am not ready and he is not allowed to fly.
So in between enjoying my life in Perth, my Dad calls me every day except Saturdays, if he is late calling me I worry, if I am out - he worries and our phonecalls are repetitive yet essential to the sanity of both of us.
I last saw my Dad when I hugged him goodbye at the Underground, leaving in a drug induced calmness that the doctor had 'prescribed' as I wasnt sleeping. It haunts me that the last image of my Dad is the one of me hugging him and feeling exhausted, empty and numb. And then by the time the tears came, I was in my flat for the last night before I flew out so couldnt see him to do a proper goodbye - I sobbed for over 2 hours
.Each time we see our loved ones on facebook we get upset that there are new pictures detailing how our loved ones have changed - fatter/thinner/older - when did they change without me noticing?, new babies are born, we dont see them or hold them and gradually the new family photos do not contain us, we are not part of the album.
Good news is relished in - with everyone except us, as we are not there to relish in it. I wanted to so badly to hug my neice when she passed her driving test, I had been supporting her on facebook and facebook is how I found out due to the time difference.
We miss funerals because we cant get the funds or the time off work, we miss the parties and the gatherings, the banter and the hugs and the general family 'politics' and gossip that comes with being part of it.
Then when we finally do get a loved one to visit (wanted guest and not gatecrasher) - our heart pounds at the arrival doors at the airport, we get emotional when we see the sign 'landed' and then we cry when they come through.
The time spent with them is as though we have never been apart, we slot back in like a comfy shoe.
Then when we say goodbye and the last we see of them is the sliding doors closing as they disappear, we break our hearts like the day we left them in the UK.
We develop and acquire new things, achieve new stuff, get hurt, get sick and get better, start new jobs - just like we did in the UK, except we do it in a different country and you are not there to share in it just like we are not there to share in your news either.
So when you see/read/hear of your family enjoying their new lives, please please please do not think they dont love you, that they dont battle with the constant internal fight of knowing that they belong in their new country and cannot imagine living anywhere else, and realising just what they have given up in order to do it.
Perth is my home, my family are in England, I dont want to live in England - I like it here, I want it all and I cant have it and that is a pain you cannot do anything about nor take anything for.
Your family loves you, they moved to make a different/better life for themselves but distance does not dilute how much they love and miss you. They just cant tell you it constantly as it will upset both them and you.
So although it is hard for you, I can bet you a million dollars that it is equally hard for your family that have migrated - and never underestimate it.
Apr 2nd 2010, 6:30 am
#11
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Canberra
Posts: 8,378
Re: families left behind
Yup, totally agree, it isnt easy. I took my parents only child and grandchildren away from them - but, kudos to them, they looked on the bright side and spent the first 15 years of their retirement having half a year here and half a year there. Not everyone can do that and now I have one son who has emigrated back to UK so I make the most of my annual trips home to keep in touch with him and I fully expect him and his fiance to begin their family in UK and probably stay there. Skype just doesnt do it for me although my parents are enjoying the occasional chat with their 2 year old great granddaughter who lives here. Cant get a hug on skype though!
Apr 2nd 2010, 12:38 pm
#12
Just Joined
Joined: Mar 2010
Location: North West UK but dreaming of Ontario!
Posts: 26
Re: families left behind
This is a very interesting thread. We are in the early stages of applying for PR in Canada (we sent the forms off and received them back in order to fill in more details of my husbands work experience!) Anyway, we haven't yet told my parents or the in-laws. I would be really interested to know how you all (as people on the 'other' side of this) feel about it. Should we be upfront about it now? We were initially going to wait until the 120 day email came through and then tell people that we were going but having read this thread I am now unsure. We were going to wait until we had definite (as far as that goes anyway!) news but would having more time to digest the news make it easier? I know that my parents are going to be devastated as their only grandchildren are our two girls with little hope of my sister having any.
And any advice on how to break the news gently would be much appreciated.
And any advice on how to break the news gently would be much appreciated.
Apr 2nd 2010, 6:06 pm
#13
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,533
Re: families left behind
What a heart wrenching thread.
Having experienced both sides of the fence so to speak (moved to Oz and moved back again) I understand the huge emotional issues involved. Our families supported us 100% in our adventure, even though we knew it was breaking their hearts. They never once asked us not to go.
Prof Princess is totally right about the torn in two scenario. Don't ever think your families who've left don't miss you, I'm positive they do. It's just that some people can handle those feelings better than others. I couldn't (I'm a wuss!) and we came back. I don't regret a minute of our adventure.
I wonder, if the people emigrating could actually feel the pain of the families left behind.....would they still go?
Having experienced both sides of the fence so to speak (moved to Oz and moved back again) I understand the huge emotional issues involved. Our families supported us 100% in our adventure, even though we knew it was breaking their hearts. They never once asked us not to go.
Prof Princess is totally right about the torn in two scenario. Don't ever think your families who've left don't miss you, I'm positive they do. It's just that some people can handle those feelings better than others. I couldn't (I'm a wuss!) and we came back. I don't regret a minute of our adventure.
I wonder, if the people emigrating could actually feel the pain of the families left behind.....would they still go?
Apr 2nd 2010, 6:56 pm
#14
Forum Regular
Joined: Dec 2008
Location: US
Posts: 151
Re: families left behind
Your post struck a chord with me it really did.
Speaking as someone who has left her Dad, brother, sisters, neices, nephews I can give you a small insight as to what it is like.
You see many of us that have emigrated are torn, we are torn between loving our new life and enjoying what we have done and missing our loved ones in the UK.
I wake up with a heavy heart most days realising that it is over 2 years since I last saw my Dad/family/friends.
I want to go back to visit but we cant afford it, even if we could I am too scared to leave my husband due to him being in a car crash last year - so even if you put the money on the table to get me a ticket, I couldnt leave him - I am not ready and he is not allowed to fly.
So in between enjoying my life in Perth, my Dad calls me every day except Saturdays, if he is late calling me I worry, if I am out - he worries and our phonecalls are repetitive yet essential to the sanity of both of us.
I last saw my Dad when I hugged him goodbye at the Underground, leaving in a drug induced calmness that the doctor had 'prescribed' as I wasnt sleeping. It haunts me that the last image of my Dad is the one of me hugging him and feeling exhausted, empty and numb. And then by the time the tears came, I was in my flat for the last night before I flew out so couldnt see him to do a proper goodbye - I sobbed for over 2 hours.
Each time we see our loved ones on facebook we get upset that there are new pictures detailing how our loved ones have changed - fatter/thinner/older - when did they change without me noticing?, new babies are born, we dont see them or hold them and gradually the new family photos do not contain us, we are not part of the album.
Good news is relished in - with everyone except us, as we are not there to relish in it. I wanted to so badly to hug my neice when she passed her driving test, I had been supporting her on facebook and facebook is how I found out due to the time difference.
We miss funerals because we cant get the funds or the time off work, we miss the parties and the gatherings, the banter and the hugs and the general family 'politics' and gossip that comes with being part of it.
Then when we finally do get a loved one to visit (wanted guest and not gatecrasher) - our heart pounds at the arrival doors at the airport, we get emotional when we see the sign 'landed' and then we cry when they come through.
The time spent with them is as though we have never been apart, we slot back in like a comfy shoe.
Then when we say goodbye and the last we see of them is the sliding doors closing as they disappear, we break our hearts like the day we left them in the UK.
We develop and acquire new things, achieve new stuff, get hurt, get sick and get better, start new jobs - just like we did in the UK, except we do it in a different country and you are not there to share in it just like we are not there to share in your news either.
So when you see/read/hear of your family enjoying their new lives, please please please do not think they dont love you, that they dont battle with the constant internal fight of knowing that they belong in their new country and cannot imagine living anywhere else, and realising just what they have given up in order to do it.
Perth is my home, my family are in England, I dont want to live in England - I like it here, I want it all and I cant have it and that is a pain you cannot do anything about nor take anything for.
Your family loves you, they moved to make a different/better life for themselves but distance does not dilute how much they love and miss you. They just cant tell you it constantly as it will upset both them and you.
So although it is hard for you, I can bet you a million dollars that it is equally hard for your family that have migrated - and never underestimate it.
Speaking as someone who has left her Dad, brother, sisters, neices, nephews I can give you a small insight as to what it is like.
You see many of us that have emigrated are torn, we are torn between loving our new life and enjoying what we have done and missing our loved ones in the UK.
I wake up with a heavy heart most days realising that it is over 2 years since I last saw my Dad/family/friends.
I want to go back to visit but we cant afford it, even if we could I am too scared to leave my husband due to him being in a car crash last year - so even if you put the money on the table to get me a ticket, I couldnt leave him - I am not ready and he is not allowed to fly.
So in between enjoying my life in Perth, my Dad calls me every day except Saturdays, if he is late calling me I worry, if I am out - he worries and our phonecalls are repetitive yet essential to the sanity of both of us.
I last saw my Dad when I hugged him goodbye at the Underground, leaving in a drug induced calmness that the doctor had 'prescribed' as I wasnt sleeping. It haunts me that the last image of my Dad is the one of me hugging him and feeling exhausted, empty and numb. And then by the time the tears came, I was in my flat for the last night before I flew out so couldnt see him to do a proper goodbye - I sobbed for over 2 hours
.Each time we see our loved ones on facebook we get upset that there are new pictures detailing how our loved ones have changed - fatter/thinner/older - when did they change without me noticing?, new babies are born, we dont see them or hold them and gradually the new family photos do not contain us, we are not part of the album.
Good news is relished in - with everyone except us, as we are not there to relish in it. I wanted to so badly to hug my neice when she passed her driving test, I had been supporting her on facebook and facebook is how I found out due to the time difference.
We miss funerals because we cant get the funds or the time off work, we miss the parties and the gatherings, the banter and the hugs and the general family 'politics' and gossip that comes with being part of it.
Then when we finally do get a loved one to visit (wanted guest and not gatecrasher) - our heart pounds at the arrival doors at the airport, we get emotional when we see the sign 'landed' and then we cry when they come through.
The time spent with them is as though we have never been apart, we slot back in like a comfy shoe.
Then when we say goodbye and the last we see of them is the sliding doors closing as they disappear, we break our hearts like the day we left them in the UK.
We develop and acquire new things, achieve new stuff, get hurt, get sick and get better, start new jobs - just like we did in the UK, except we do it in a different country and you are not there to share in it just like we are not there to share in your news either.
So when you see/read/hear of your family enjoying their new lives, please please please do not think they dont love you, that they dont battle with the constant internal fight of knowing that they belong in their new country and cannot imagine living anywhere else, and realising just what they have given up in order to do it.
Perth is my home, my family are in England, I dont want to live in England - I like it here, I want it all and I cant have it and that is a pain you cannot do anything about nor take anything for.
Your family loves you, they moved to make a different/better life for themselves but distance does not dilute how much they love and miss you. They just cant tell you it constantly as it will upset both them and you.
So although it is hard for you, I can bet you a million dollars that it is equally hard for your family that have migrated - and never underestimate it.
Apr 3rd 2010, 7:58 pm
#15
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2010
Location: scotland
Posts: 35
Re: families left behind
This is a very interesting thread. We are in the early stages of applying for PR in Canada (we sent the forms off and received them back in order to fill in more details of my husbands work experience!) Anyway, we haven't yet told my parents or the in-laws. I would be really interested to know how you all (as people on the 'other' side of this) feel about it. Should we be upfront about it now? We were initially going to wait until the 120 day email came through and then tell people that we were going but having read this thread I am now unsure. We were going to wait until we had definite (as far as that goes anyway!) news but would having more time to digest the news make it easier? I know that my parents are going to be devastated as their only grandchildren are our two girls with little hope of my sister having any.
And any advice on how to break the news gently would be much appreciated.
And any advice on how to break the news gently would be much appreciated.
In one way, it took me the 2years to consider them going tempered with the hope they wouldn't. Needless to say, the night they told us I went out in the car to the nearest Asda car park and broke my heart! The day they left, they still had not sold their house and when the shipping company came to take all the boxes away, was like a death in the family. My 14 year old grandaughter who still lives here sobbed and sobbed - I felt so helpless.
So, you will need to weigh the situation up and consider the pros and cons of whether to let your family know early on. Maybe if you left it till much later, it could be a bigger shock to them. I fyou told them sooner, it may give them a chance to get used to the idea.
Just my opinion - others will maybe offer some more help
all the best