Death of a parent

Old Jan 31st 2008, 4:47 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by Ruby Murray
Hi rkh001,
I totally sympathise with your situation - we've been going through the very same at the same time as yourself. My dear 83 yr old father-in-law's funeral was also held on Tuesday and we missed it by 3 days After receiving the phone call on the 15th and experiencing sheer "hell" with a passport situation, we were on the flight to Manchester on the 19th, booked for a week as we were made to believe that the funeral was going to be held on Thursday 24th. However, due to the sheer number of deaths in that region, it was not possible for the Thursday and only the 29th was available. We had spent $4,000 getting back to the UK and we still didn't get to attend my father in law's funeral. We've since come back to Canada and have just been so shattered with the news and our start to 2008, and now I think I've changed outlook for my future. I feel it's wrong that we should be living so far away from our family. My mother-in-law is also a very sick lady who is going downhill.....We think we'll get another phonecall to "come home" again. I know we only get one shot at life and we should make the most of it, and I always felt that our Canadian immigration experience was one to be proud of, but what's the point in having a lovely big house and nice truck but be lonely and thousands of miles away, missing out on precious days with our loved ones? I would like to go back to the UK, have a shot at setting up a decent home and start again, but my OH is not in any big hurry. He wants us to stick it out for as long as possible to make some equity on our house (we only bought it in September 07 and the housing market has dipped a bit), and I understand that that would be a sensible decision, but I think that by summer time, he won't feel like wanting to sell up and go back. I hate the winters here....I've been feeling down since October, but diagnosed as depressed early this month. At least I'm not alone on here....there are several of us wives in the same boat with hubbies/partners not wanting to return to the UK It makes for a very hard time to get through the day.
Ruby, sorry to hear you're feeling so low. It can't be easy living day to day and feeling like that.

I can empathise with you about being so far from friends and family. I unfortunately no longer have my parents, they both died pretty young but i'm really close to my sister and her family. On one hand that experience has made me a "life's too short" kinda person which is one of the reasons we came to Canada. The second reason we came is for a better life for our kids, which i do think they have here, schools, lifestyle etc. But then i think to myself, is it a better life if they are missing out on precious times with their family? because they're thousands of miles away. I go round in circles some days.
I think if i could go back for holidays as often as i would like to then i'd be ok but funds wont allow.

I think we'll stay in Canada long enough to get citizenship and then who knows? We can't see ourselves growing old here though.

BTW, you should feel proud of yourself for taking such a big leap and immigrating to Canada, you have been able to do something some people can only dream of.
Life's too short to have regrets. (where's the hug smilie?)


To the OP, I'm sorry to hear of your FIL and I hope you can find a resolution to your current situation. Whether you stay or go good luck in whatever you decide.

Last edited by joelsa; Jan 31st 2008 at 4:51 pm. Reason: to add
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Old Feb 1st 2008, 4:52 am
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by joelsa
Ruby, sorry to hear you're feeling so low. It can't be easy living day to day and feeling like that.

I can empathise with you about being so far from friends and family. I unfortunately no longer have my parents, they both died pretty young but i'm really close to my sister and her family. On one hand that experience has made me a "life's too short" kinda person which is one of the reasons we came to Canada. The second reason we came is for a better life for our kids, which i do think they have here, schools, lifestyle etc. But then i think to myself, is it a better life if they are missing out on precious times with their family? because they're thousands of miles away. I go round in circles some days.
I think if i could go back for holidays as often as i would like to then i'd be ok but funds wont allow.

I think we'll stay in Canada long enough to get citizenship and then who knows? We can't see ourselves growing old here though.

BTW, you should feel proud of yourself for taking such a big leap and immigrating to Canada, you have been able to do something some people can only dream of.
Life's too short to have regrets. (where's the hug smilie?)


To the OP, I'm sorry to hear of your FIL and I hope you can find a resolution to your current situation. Whether you stay or go good luck in whatever you decide.
Thanks for that joelsa....I do feel really proud as to what we've accomplished in the past 5 years with our immigration. And everyone back home are trying to keep us encouraged by hanging on here, telling us the usual..."oh you don't know how lucky you are" and "what do you want to go and give all that up for to come back to this dump"! It's easy for them to say that...they've only had the experience of life in the UK, but I've got to see what life is like in 2 countries now, and even though we do have a great life here in Alberta, I don't see how we can't make a good go of it and have a great life there in the UK. Family back home don't realise the loneliness that we feel...all we have is the four of us, and although it has brought us all so very close as a family unit, sometimes I get that suffocated feeling and long to pop round to my sister's or mum and dad's for a brew and chat and for my daughter to be with her cousin (both are the same age)!!

I am also really struggling this year with the winter weather....I never thought it possible when I first came here that SAD would be so popular, especially as the skies are mostly so sunny and clear...but it's the sheer cold and nerve-wrecking driving we have to endure for 5/6 months each year...I don't think I could keep on living here year after year. I've been on Anti-D's for 3 weeks now, hoping that they will start to "kick in" but I'm still waiting. Hubby does understand what I'm going through but he still insists we wait it out for another year or TWO to make money on the house.....I could've cried when he said that. In 2 years time our son will be almost 19 and he could well turn round and tell us that he doesn't want to return to the UK and that his life is here. If we went back this year, he would have no choice but to join us and right now, he is missing the UK too. I've got a tonne of stuff going on in my head at the moment and I can't seem to rationalise any of it....I'm sure once the meds start to work, I might be able to see clearer, but right now, I'm struggling.
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Old Feb 1st 2008, 6:30 am
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Just sent you a PM Ruby...........
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Old Feb 1st 2008, 7:22 am
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by dunroving
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I was overseas when my dad, and then my grandmother, died suddenly.

An event like that can really put you in a semi-stupor for a long time afterwards, so be careful of making big decisions during that period. (I'm sure you know all that, being a counsellor, but thought I'd mention it anyway. )

God luck over the next few weeks.
I agree with Dunroving. Don't rush into any major decisions right away, give it a bit more time. Very sad when a loved one passes away and you are so far away. I am in the US and my father passed away in August (Scotland), and I felt totally helpless to be so far away at that time.

I have decided that I don't want to be so far away anymore, so I am returning home. But, I am taking my time deciding whether it is this year or next, but in the meantime I am lining things up for the move (ducks in a row and all that.......). I wish you all the best in deciding, and that you come to a decision that you can all see working for you.
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Old Feb 1st 2008, 7:34 am
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by rkh001

Do you get the feeling that I am looking backwards to the UK? Yes, I am actually. I miss all my friends but I miss my parents a lot more. I feel I need to be near them and feel pretty ashamed that I came out all the way to Oz to make a better life for me (which, incidently, hasn't happened) without any consideration of how much it would hurt my dad to know that I am no longer at arm's length should he need me in an emergency. I feel pretty gutted.

Relationships create so many issues, some minor and some huge. Death of one parent leads to major concerns about the other elderly parents that are still alive. Do we please ourselves or others? Is it selfish to please ourselves? I certainly don't know the answers but it does make me question what my motivations were for coming so far away from all that I know and love.
Oh, I felt so sad reading this. It is definitely very hard to be away when you know that loved ones are missing you and woud love to have you near them.

Last edited by Marmalade; Feb 1st 2008 at 7:36 am.
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