Death of a parent

Old Jan 25th 2008, 11:00 am
  #1  
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Unhappy Death of a parent

Well, my hubby has had to go back to the UK as his dad has died and the funeral is next week on Tuesday, down in Cornwall. Hubby has a 3 month RRV as our visa has expired.
We have been here since 1st June 2007 and haven't managed to secure any jobs. Like people on some other threads, we keep thinking that Oz will "click" for us. We go from "it's such a lovely country etc" to "we miss home, family, friends, and even the damp, cold, gloomy weather". The thing that is getting me down is that I keep applying for jobs with no response whatsoever from agencies or companies. Seems like a never ending saga.
I just spoke to hubby and he said how wonderful it was to nip into Tesco's to get his shopping done. It's things like that too that I miss. I am a vegetarian and I find it extemely difficult to buy good food here, other than fruit and veg. I have to read the labels of all yoghurts, ice cream, cream and even baked products as the use of gelatine is very common. I am sorry to sound like I am nitpicking but it has got to that point now.
Hubby is still very undecided about moving back as we would have nowhere to live and there is really only so long that we can doss on people's floors! I go from wanting to move back today to "let's see what tomorrow brings". Meanwhile the money is running out rapidly. We have to pay our rent to the end of June here and if we decide to cut our losses, atleast we will have enough money to get ourselves back home and send our belongings back, which incidently have remained unopened as we are renting a fully furnished house. It's my brother's house and he is away in Canada for a year. We don't only have all his furniture but also all the books, etc. So there is no room for us to spread other than clothes and very few books that we need. Without jobs, we won't be in a postion to rent here when my brother gets back. Somewhere deep inside it breaks my heart to have to admit that it didn't work for us as it was my dream to come and live here but at the same time the familiarity of the UK is pulling, not to mention my elderly parents and hubby's kids.
Such a dilemma! What helps make a decision one way or the other, or is it going to be a knee-jerk reaction to the lack of funds that pushes us back home? I think I am split 70/30 to go back but hubby is abotu 50/50. (Sigh)
Thanks for reading.
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Old Jan 25th 2008, 11:55 am
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Sorry to hear about your father-in-law

If you go home are your chances of working better than they are here? If so, then go.

But that's just my opinion. Hope whatever you decide to do somthing works out for you
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Old Jan 25th 2008, 12:23 pm
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Default Re: Death of a parent

About 7-8 months after moving I was teetering on going back. The OH said no, we'll stay, get citizenship and then decide. Glad I listened, 14 years later still in Canada and very unlikely to (won't) go back.

Unfortunately nobody can make the decision for you. We scraped along a bit at first, it takes a while (long time) to get sorted and feel like a local. There is a familiarity/comfort of home that draws some and others less.

For us there was nothing wrong with Britain, we just fancied an adventure for a while. All countries have their problems, however the lifestyle in Canada suits us better, we are able to do a lot more things than we perhaps would have done in the UK. Maybe not because we could not do them, there is more of a try anything/take a chance attitude here that drives many people.

We have some friends who moved from Britain to NZ, three times, they are now settled in NZ. Others who moved to NZ from Canada, twice, and are back in Canada.

We found socializing with locals helped us ease in, fortunately we had jobs so that did help a lot. Money was less of an issue, but we were in survival mode.

Making a big decision is never easy, always second guessing ourselves. Another thing we felt was we wanted no regrets (well as few as possible) when we made our decision.

All the best whatever you decide.
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Old Jan 25th 2008, 2:08 pm
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by TraceyW
Sorry to hear about your father-in-law

If you go home are your chances of working better than they are here? If so, then go.

But that's just my opinion. Hope whatever you decide to do somthing works out for you
Thanks Tracey.
Chances of getting a job in the UK are better for us because we know how things work there. Here we hardly have any friends, we barely see the neighbours etc but in the UK we do have lots of friends and nearly all of our families. I guess if we are having a tough time in the UK we have the support systems to help us through but here we are all alone.
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Old Jan 25th 2008, 2:12 pm
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Default Re: Death of a parent

We didn't find anything wrong with the UK but just needed to get out and find somewhere new to live, to get another experience etc. Here in Oz we don't find much wrong but without jobs, everything seems wrong. For us to get our citizenship, we'd have to be here for another 17 months or so and I can't honestly see me here beyond the next couple of months if a job doesn't come along.
I know that whatever decision we make, it will seem like the wrong one. What ifs and buts always keep the suspense going.
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Old Jan 25th 2008, 3:57 pm
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by rkh001
Well, my hubby has had to go back to the UK as his dad has died and the funeral is next week on Tuesday, down in Cornwall. Hubby has a 3 month RRV as our visa has expired.
We have been here since 1st June 2007 and haven't managed to secure any jobs. Like people on some other threads, we keep thinking that Oz will "click" for us. We go from "it's such a lovely country etc" to "we miss home, family, friends, and even the damp, cold, gloomy weather". The thing that is getting me down is that I keep applying for jobs with no response whatsoever from agencies or companies. Seems like a never ending saga.
I just spoke to hubby and he said how wonderful it was to nip into Tesco's to get his shopping done. It's things like that too that I miss. I am a vegetarian and I find it extemely difficult to buy good food here, other than fruit and veg. I have to read the labels of all yoghurts, ice cream, cream and even baked products as the use of gelatine is very common. I am sorry to sound like I am nitpicking but it has got to that point now.
Hubby is still very undecided about moving back as we would have nowhere to live and there is really only so long that we can doss on people's floors! I go from wanting to move back today to "let's see what tomorrow brings". Meanwhile the money is running out rapidly. We have to pay our rent to the end of June here and if we decide to cut our losses, atleast we will have enough money to get ourselves back home and send our belongings back, which incidently have remained unopened as we are renting a fully furnished house. It's my brother's house and he is away in Canada for a year. We don't only have all his furniture but also all the books, etc. So there is no room for us to spread other than clothes and very few books that we need. Without jobs, we won't be in a postion to rent here when my brother gets back. Somewhere deep inside it breaks my heart to have to admit that it didn't work for us as it was my dream to come and live here but at the same time the familiarity of the UK is pulling, not to mention my elderly parents and hubby's kids.
Such a dilemma! What helps make a decision one way or the other, or is it going to be a knee-jerk reaction to the lack of funds that pushes us back home? I think I am split 70/30 to go back but hubby is abotu 50/50. (Sigh)
Thanks for reading.
What do you both do for jobs.
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Old Jan 25th 2008, 4:43 pm
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by northernbird
What do you both do for jobs.
I was thinking that
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Old Jan 25th 2008, 4:45 pm
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Default Re: Death of a parent

I am a qualified psychotherapist with lots of experience but my day job in the UK was accounting - I am an AAT qualified. Can't get jobs in either field.
Hubby is an IT trainer and he had to do the Cert IV course but he also did the Fibre Cabling course to widen his chances of getting a job.
I think the problem is that we are both now over 50!!
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Old Jan 27th 2008, 8:30 am
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by rkh001
I am a qualified psychotherapist with lots of experience but my day job in the UK was accounting - I am an AAT qualified. Can't get jobs in either field.
Hubby is an IT trainer and he had to do the Cert IV course but he also did the Fibre Cabling course to widen his chances of getting a job.
I think the problem is that we are both now over 50!!
My OH is over 45 and an accountant as well......He joined a couple of recruitment agencies and got a job through them, although he did organise taking a course in taxation as employers here expect an Aussie taxation course as standard.....He also had to take a significant pay cut to get on the ladder!!
Have you tried approaching an agency to get some temping work????? This may be your best option.....it will get you some experience whilst you are not tied to staying with 1 employer, also many times if they like you (and you like them) they tend to offer perm jobs.
Good luck
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Old Jan 27th 2008, 8:49 am
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by rkh001
Well, my hubby has had to go back to the UK as his dad has died and the funeral is next week on Tuesday, down in Cornwall. Hubby has a 3 month RRV as our visa has expired.
We have been here since 1st June 2007 and haven't managed to secure any jobs. Like people on some other threads, we keep thinking that Oz will "click" for us. We go from "it's such a lovely country etc" to "we miss home, family, friends, and even the damp, cold, gloomy weather". The thing that is getting me down is that I keep applying for jobs with no response whatsoever from agencies or companies. Seems like a never ending saga.
I just spoke to hubby and he said how wonderful it was to nip into Tesco's to get his shopping done. It's things like that too that I miss. I am a vegetarian and I find it extemely difficult to buy good food here, other than fruit and veg. I have to read the labels of all yoghurts, ice cream, cream and even baked products as the use of gelatine is very common. I am sorry to sound like I am nitpicking but it has got to that point now.
Hubby is still very undecided about moving back as we would have nowhere to live and there is really only so long that we can doss on people's floors! I go from wanting to move back today to "let's see what tomorrow brings". Meanwhile the money is running out rapidly. We have to pay our rent to the end of June here and if we decide to cut our losses, atleast we will have enough money to get ourselves back home and send our belongings back, which incidently have remained unopened as we are renting a fully furnished house. It's my brother's house and he is away in Canada for a year. We don't only have all his furniture but also all the books, etc. So there is no room for us to spread other than clothes and very few books that we need. Without jobs, we won't be in a postion to rent here when my brother gets back. Somewhere deep inside it breaks my heart to have to admit that it didn't work for us as it was my dream to come and live here but at the same time the familiarity of the UK is pulling, not to mention my elderly parents and hubby's kids.
Such a dilemma! What helps make a decision one way or the other, or is it going to be a knee-jerk reaction to the lack of funds that pushes us back home? I think I am split 70/30 to go back but hubby is abotu 50/50. (Sigh)
Thanks for reading.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I was overseas when my dad, and then my grandmother, died suddenly.

An event like that can really put you in a semi-stupor for a long time afterwards, so be careful of making big decisions during that period. (I'm sure you know all that, being a counsellor, but thought I'd mention it anyway. )

God luck over the next few weeks.
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Old Jan 27th 2008, 10:08 am
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by dunroving
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I was overseas when my dad, and then my grandmother, died suddenly.

An event like that can really put you in a semi-stupor for a long time afterwards, so be careful of making big decisions during that period. (I'm sure you know all that, being a counsellor, but thought I'd mention it anyway. )

God luck over the next few weeks.


Thanks Dunroving. I appreciate what you are saying. It is so difficult to make an objective decision but I do hope that in the end all will work out for the best. I just have to accept things for what they are right now.
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Old Jan 29th 2008, 4:04 am
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Default Re: Death of a parent

My best wishes to you and your family at this difficult time.

It's a difficult time and you don't want to rush into making a decision. I think that there are certain things that are life changing and they can cause your priorities to change. If they have and you are sure they have, then you should look into how to achieve those goals and meet your new priorities.

Just first take a deep breath, and then start.

Good luck and best wishes.
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Old Jan 29th 2008, 7:38 am
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by Dave_Was
My best wishes to you and your family at this difficult time.

It's a difficult time and you don't want to rush into making a decision. I think that there are certain things that are life changing and they can cause your priorities to change. If they have and you are sure they have, then you should look into how to achieve those goals and meet your new priorities.

Just first take a deep breath, and then start.

Good luck and best wishes.

Thank you.
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Old Jan 30th 2008, 2:10 pm
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Originally Posted by rkh001
Thank you.
Hi rkh001,
I totally sympathise with your situation - we've been going through the very same at the same time as yourself. My dear 83 yr old father-in-law's funeral was also held on Tuesday and we missed it by 3 days After receiving the phone call on the 15th and experiencing sheer "hell" with a passport situation, we were on the flight to Manchester on the 19th, booked for a week as we were made to believe that the funeral was going to be held on Thursday 24th. However, due to the sheer number of deaths in that region, it was not possible for the Thursday and only the 29th was available. We had spent $4,000 getting back to the UK and we still didn't get to attend my father in law's funeral. We've since come back to Canada and have just been so shattered with the news and our start to 2008, and now I think I've changed outlook for my future. I feel it's wrong that we should be living so far away from our family. My mother-in-law is also a very sick lady who is going downhill.....We think we'll get another phonecall to "come home" again. I know we only get one shot at life and we should make the most of it, and I always felt that our Canadian immigration experience was one to be proud of, but what's the point in having a lovely big house and nice truck but be lonely and thousands of miles away, missing out on precious days with our loved ones? I would like to go back to the UK, have a shot at setting up a decent home and start again, but my OH is not in any big hurry. He wants us to stick it out for as long as possible to make some equity on our house (we only bought it in September 07 and the housing market has dipped a bit), and I understand that that would be a sensible decision, but I think that by summer time, he won't feel like wanting to sell up and go back. I hate the winters here....I've been feeling down since October, but diagnosed as depressed early this month. At least I'm not alone on here....there are several of us wives in the same boat with hubbies/partners not wanting to return to the UK It makes for a very hard time to get through the day.
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Old Jan 30th 2008, 8:58 pm
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Default Re: Death of a parent

Hi Ruby

I am really sorry to hear that you did not make it on time. It is just so sad when you don't have the opportunity to 'wave' goodbye to your loved ones. That opportunity never ever arises again and it leaves a gap that fills with regret/pain/ guilt etc. I do hope that somehow you will come to terms with it.

I agree with you. It's times like these that put a lot of things into perspective. Nice country, nice weather, big house etc are all well and good but where do you go to find friends that you have a history with and family that all happen to live in the UK?

I came to the UK 25 years ago and I have got friends from that long ago, friends that I have 'grown up' with, friends that have shared their lives with me, friends who know everything there is to know about me! How can I have that amount of history with new friends here? How can they know who I am?

My mum suffers from dementia and although all these years she has been very angry and upset, she seems to have gone calmer and more peaceful (as my brother put it) but doesn't speak at all. I am wondering if she has given up on trying to fight the life in her and is she just preparing to die? And then there is my father who, at 80, takes the bus everyday and makes the journey to see mum. It is of little comfort to him that she is still alive, everyday he cries, everyday he gets very angry about her illness.

Do you get the feeling that I am looking backwards to the UK? Yes, I am actually. I miss all my friends but I miss my parents a lot more. I feel I need to be near them and feel pretty ashamed that I came out all the way to Oz to make a better life for me (which, incidently, hasn't happened) without any consideration of how much it would hurt my dad to know that I am no longer at arm's length should he need me in an emergency. I feel pretty gutted.

Relationships create so many issues, some minor and some huge. Death of one parent leads to major concerns about the other elderly parents that are still alive. Do we please ourselves or others? Is it selfish to please ourselves? I certainly don't know the answers but it does make me question what my motivations were for coming so far away from all that I know and love.
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