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Husband & Second thoughts
My husband keeps having second thoughts about moving back. We agreed to give it a trail run for 3yrs so he can get citizenship. However with the new rules possibly going into effect next year he's not so sure now. He doesn't like the 5yr plan. We started looking into all the pros at living over from the benefits and Medical. His opinion is changing on that to, he says he wants to raise our son in country where the values are better. In the regard you don't get things handed to you. He says at least here in the US he'd have to work for things to get them. I'm sure he just doesn't want to move over there and these possible new immigration rules are just an excuse. The thing is I want to move back I do think we will have an easier life back in the UK. I worry so much about the medical side of things now that my son is here. I don't know what to do.
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by NatalieLucy
(Post 9505792)
My husband keeps having second thoughts about moving back. We agreed to give it a trail run for 3yrs so he can get citizenship. However with the new rules possibly going into effect next year he's not so sure now. He doesn't like the 5yr plan. We started looking into all the pros at living over from the benefits and Medical. His opinion is changing on that to, he says he wants to raise our son in country where the values are better. In the regard you don't get things handed to you. He says at least here in the US he'd have to work for things to get them. I'm sure he just doesn't want to move over there and these possible new immigration rules are just an excuse. The thing is I want to move back I do think we will have an easier life back in the UK. I worry so much about the medical side of things now that my son is here. I don't know what to do.
Your childrens values are what you teach them. If he wants to live in the worst part of town it's no different from here, Bloody awful. He's making a load of excuses and sounds like he's been reading the daily mail |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by NatalieLucy
(Post 9505792)
My husband keeps having second thoughts about moving back. We agreed to give it a trail run for 3yrs so he can get citizenship. However with the new rules possibly going into effect next year he's not so sure now. He doesn't like the 5yr plan. We started looking into all the pros at living over from the benefits and Medical. His opinion is changing on that to, he says he wants to raise our son in country where the values are better. In the regard you don't get things handed to you. He says at least here in the US he'd have to work for things to get them. I'm sure he just doesn't want to move over there and these possible new immigration rules are just an excuse. The thing is I want to move back I do think we will have an easier life back in the UK. I worry so much about the medical side of things now that my son is here. I don't know what to do.
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Giantaxe
(Post 9506188)
You do realize you're being played like a violin, right?
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Mummy in the foothills
(Post 9505947)
:confused: I'm sorry but he's talking a load of bull**** making judgment calls like that about another country (If he said that about UK). Values are not better in the US, they have given us Girls gone wild, Sixteen and pregnant, Jersey Shore. etc etc etc. He must be living in a bubble, My Dh was complaining today about the number of drug dealers (trying to flag him down to sell) and daytime hookers, when he went to the nearest city to go buy work tools and visit WalMart.
Your childrens values are what you teach them. If he wants to live in the worst part of town it's no different from here, Bloody awful. He's making a load of excuses and sounds like he's been reading the daily mail |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by NatalieLucy
(Post 9505792)
My husband keeps having second thoughts about moving back. We agreed to give it a trail run for 3yrs so he can get citizenship. However with the new rules possibly going into effect next year he's not so sure now. He doesn't like the 5yr plan. We started looking into all the pros at living over from the benefits and Medical. His opinion is changing on that to, he says he wants to raise our son in country where the values are better. In the regard you don't get things handed to you. He says at least here in the US he'd have to work for things to get them. I'm sure he just doesn't want to move over there and these possible new immigration rules are just an excuse. The thing is I want to move back I do think we will have an easier life back in the UK. I worry so much about the medical side of things now that my son is here. I don't know what to do.
Parents instill values not countries |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by NatalieLucy
(Post 9505792)
My husband keeps having second thoughts about moving back. We agreed to give it a trail run for 3yrs so he can get citizenship. However with the new rules possibly going into effect next year he's not so sure now. He doesn't like the 5yr plan. We started looking into all the pros at living over from the benefits and Medical. His opinion is changing on that to, he says he wants to raise our son in country where the values are better. In the regard you don't get things handed to you. He says at least here in the US he'd have to work for things to get them. I'm sure he just doesn't want to move over there and these possible new immigration rules are just an excuse. The thing is I want to move back I do think we will have an easier life back in the UK. I worry so much about the medical side of things now that my son is here. I don't know what to do.
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Montfan72
(Post 9506757)
Ugh, that is my worst nightmare, I feel for you. My deal with my husband has always been after 25 years here we go back to the England. Well we're at the 20 year mark and I talk about it every day as if it's a given, sad I know but I'm terrified he'll back out!
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Margaret3
(Post 9506591)
Parents instill values not countries
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by NatalieLucy
(Post 9507411)
I just think it's funny how he's making a big deal of 5yrs when I've been in the US for 7yrs. I married him not the country!
No disrespect NatalieLucy, but you should have thought about the ramifications of marrying someone from another country before you married him, but I certainly hope that you don't base your ultimate decision on the things that people in this forum are telling you. This is a very private decision between you and your husband. The last thing you need is someone who doesn't even know you telling you that you're being played like a violin. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by DDL
(Post 9507475)
No disrespect NatalieLucy, but you should have thought about the ramifications of marrying someone from another country before you married him, but I certainly hope that you don't base your ultimate decision on the things that people in this forum are telling you. This is a very private decision between you and your husband. The last thing you need is someone who doesn't even know you telling you that you're being played like a violin.
This is something that me and my husband need to talk about in depth. Do I think I'm being played no, I think my husband is scared and is very comfortable here. I just don't know how to approach him anymore on the subject. I'm scared that I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I love my husband very much but it makes me sad that I'm apart from my family and country. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by NatalieLucy
(Post 9507574)
Well I wish I had thought about it but love makes you do crazy things. When I moved over here I was young and head over heals. I didn't care about these issues then. Now I've grown up lived life out here and I'm a new Mother. These things make you see the light so to speak.
I was on my own in Italy for 7 years before I even met my OH. Now we have two kids but I didn't know then that if I ever got sick of living here I couldn't just go back 'home' with them. I had no idea when pregnant that Italian kids of Italian fathers are highly protected from "escaping" foreign mothers and that the mother can get done for kidnapping. I'm not unhappy here and I'm not planning a kidnapping - but it is fair to say that when in love, you don't automatically think about what you might have to do if it doesn't work out... or which laws you might get caught up in. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Montfan72
(Post 9506757)
Ugh, that is my worst nightmare, I feel for you. My deal with my husband has always been after 25 years here we go back to the England. Well we're at the 20 year mark and I talk about it every day as if it's a given, sad I know but I'm terrified he'll back out!
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
It's so true, love is blind especially when you are young and adventurous...you just don't think about the far reaching future.
I do thing a woman can possibly put themselves in an extremely vulnerable position by marrying overseas. There can be a imbalance of power between the two spouses with the spouse on home turf having the upper hand. It doesn't help not having your own family around to keep an eye out and help you out when needed. It can be very lonely and you can't just go home as yes its typically illegal to take the children out of the country. I know my husband would never let me do that. When things go wrong there are just not many options... Have you tried subtle brainwashing and compare and contrasting conversations. I google the heck out lots of scenic photos of the U.K and ask hubby to just imagine spending the day there. They do say men are visual creatures ;) |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by cheeky_monkey
(Post 9507620)
25 yrs:rofl:thats telling him:thumbup:
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by NatalieLucy
(Post 9505792)
His opinion is changing on that to, he says he wants to raise our son in country where the values are better.
Not having a go at you NatalieLucy but FFS is he serious ??? If he is I'd go back to England and leave his ass behind - I'm only partially joking. I never had kids here for that EXACT reason I would never bring a kid up in the US. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by DDL
(Post 9507475)
No disrespect NatalieLucy, but you should have thought about the ramifications of marrying someone from another country before you married him, but I certainly hope that you don't base your ultimate decision on the things that people in this forum are telling you. This is a very private decision between you and your husband. The last thing you need is someone who doesn't even know you telling you that you're being played like a violin.
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Giantaxe
(Post 9507825)
It may be a private decision, but by posting multiple threads on this in a public forum the OP is clearly looking for public input. And seeing what she has said about her husband's behaviour in regards to moving back to the UK in these threads, "played like a violin" seems like a pretty accurate characterization imo.
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Englishman43
(Post 9507695)
What a load of f**ing b*ll*cks.
Not having a go at you NatalieLucy but FFS is he serious ??? If he is I'd go back to England and leave his ass behind - I'm only partially joking. I never had kids here for that EXACT reason I would never bring a kid up in the US. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by cheeky_monkey
(Post 9507620)
25 yrs:rofl:thats telling him:thumbup:
Originally Posted by Montfan72
(Post 9507634)
That's quite long enough don't you think? My turn!!
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Englishman43
(Post 9507695)
I never had kids here for that EXACT reason I would never bring a kid up in the US.
That's very funny, especially in light of the crude, uncultured youth (of all ages) I see over here. What a bunch of losers. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by DDL
(Post 9507962)
That's very funny, especially in light of the crude, uncultured youth (of all ages) I see over here. What a bunch of losers.
Wasn't meaning to be funny just my feelings based on my observations while living in the US. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Englishman43
(Post 9507695)
What a load of f**ing b*ll*cks.
I never had kids here for that EXACT reason I would never bring a kid up in the US. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Mallory
(Post 9508133)
It's a good thing you don't have kids with that potty mouth. You are on a thread where a young wife/mother is asking for advice. Your values aren't very high yourself. :thumbdown:
I try my hardest not to have a "potty mouth" (terrible expression) in front of my kids but when I cracked my head open and sliced my hand and dropped a cast iron pan on my foot it was very hard not to scream out "shit shit shit - my bloody foot" It was involuntary. When my kids asked me what that word meant I told them it was a bad English swearing word that mummy used in pain and panic and didn't want them to use it.... and they haven't so far. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Mallory
(Post 9508133)
It's a good thing you don't have kids with that potty mouth. You are on a thread where a young wife/mother is asking for advice. Your values aren't very high yourself. :thumbdown:
Oh God not you again. Help the OP or go away - I did and she was rather happy with my thoughts. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Montfan72
(Post 9507630)
It's so true, love is blind especially when you are young and adventurous...you just don't think about the far reaching future.
I do thing a woman can possibly put themselves in an extremely vulnerable position by marrying overseas. There can be a imbalance of power between the two spouses with the spouse on home turf having the upper hand. It doesn't help not having your own family around to keep an eye out and help you out when needed. It can be very lonely and you can't just go home as yes its typically illegal to take the children out of the country. I know my husband would never let me do that. When things go wrong there are just not many options... Have you tried subtle brainwashing and compare and contrasting conversations. I google the heck out lots of scenic photos of the U.K and ask hubby to just imagine spending the day there. They do say men are visual creatures ;) |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
I'm not sure I have any useful input but I'm in a very similar situation to you (have been wanting to go home for ages, new mother etc). As a total aside, one of the main reasons I'm leaving is so I can raise my son in the UK and get him a decent education in a school that does not have a metal detector to search for guns at the entrance, but I digress...
Can you bargain with him? I think I remember you said you were going to get your citizenship first, so once that's sorted can you do a trial period of 1 or 2 years? |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Montfan72
(Post 9507630)
I do thing a woman can possibly put themselves in an extremely vulnerable position by marrying overseas.
NatalieLucy - get your citizenship and see if you can get your husband to agree to move to the UK for even a year. If you divorce here, you may have to fight to move your child back to the UK if that's your wish. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by just_jenn
(Post 9508446)
I'm not sure I have any useful input but I'm in a very similar situation to you (have been wanting to go home for ages, new mother etc). As a total aside, one of the main reasons I'm leaving is so I can raise my son in the UK and get him a decent education in a school that does not have a metal detector to search for guns at the entrance, but I digress...
Can you bargain with him? I think I remember you said you were going to get your citizenship first, so once that's sorted can you do a trial period of 1 or 2 years? |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by snowbunny
(Post 9508574)
Especially when the children are born overseas.
NatalieLucy - get your citizenship and see if you can get your husband to agree to move to the UK for even a year. If you divorce here, you may have to fight to move your child back to the UK if that's your wish. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Mummy in the foothills
(Post 9507947)
:lol: Thats what I told Dh, we've been married 25 years, he has picked the country for that time, now it's my turn. In 25 more he can pick. But we'll probably be too senile to know where we are.
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Montfan72
(Post 9509118)
That's so true, I have two school aged kids in a 'good' school system. I'm afraid I haven't been too impressed. The oldest is 12 and seems to have really poor spelling and grammar compared to what I had achieved at that age. The math seems stronger here but writing skills are not focused on as much.
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Mummy in the foothills
(Post 9510494)
True, we are in a wonderful school district, no metal detectors of Police needed, but with all the cuts it's getting bad, lack of teachers and massive increase in the number of students per class. Maths skills are taught so well, he's miles ahead of where I was in high school. Dd however I think will not get such a good education here, I already practically home school her after hours, and she's well ahead in reading and such. But if we didn't do that I don't think she'd get much help in school (she goes to 1st grade this year)
I do find too that the kids seems way younger than back home...I struggle with that. Sometimes I love that they are more naive and focused on activities rather than hanging out with their friends. But then again I see plenty of older teens who seem a little too unwordly for their age if you know what I mean. Anyway I'm rambling so I'll stop now lol! |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
I'm in the inner city here and the schools are *terrible*, hence my original metal detectors comment. Even a lot of the private schools are nothing much to write home about.
That aside though, there are 3 teachers in my husband's American family in affluent areas of NJ and some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths makes me shudder. Typical sample from Sunday gathering from 30-something Sister-in-law with an MA in Education who is currently teaching High School English: "We just watched a movie the last day of the semester. We watched National Treasure--you know, the one where they look for the historical attractions." She meant artifacts, of course. One of the others once asked me how far behind England was in time zones... I'm not going off on an "Americans are so stupid" rant because I know plenty of very smart individuals. I think Montfan hit the nail on the head. Much of the education over here seems a little unworldly. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by just_jenn
(Post 9510682)
I'm in the inner city here and the schools are *terrible*, hence my original metal detectors comment. Even a lot of the private schools are nothing much to write home about.
That aside though, there are 3 teachers in my husband's American family in affluent areas of NJ and some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths makes me shudder. Typical sample from Sunday gathering from 30-something Sister-in-law with an MA in Education who is currently teaching High School English: "We just watched a movie the last day of the semester. We watched National Treasure--you know, the one where they look for the historical attractions." She meant artifacts, of course. One of the others once asked me how far behind England was in time zones... I'm not going off on an "Americans are so stupid" rant because I know plenty of very smart individuals. I think Montfan hit the nail on the head. Much of the education over here seems a little unworldly. I can only say... the day my child told me that they say the Pledge of Allegiance every single day...starting in Kindergarten!! Wow...I was a trifle unnerved by that. I'm a Montessori Preschool teacher and we pledge allegiance to the world...like once a year lol! |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by Montfan72
(Post 9509118)
That's so true, I have two school aged kids in a 'good' school system. I'm afraid I haven't been too impressed. The oldest is 12 and seems to have really poor spelling and grammar compared to what I had achieved at that age. The math seems stronger here but writing skills are not focused on as much.
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by cheeky_monkey
(Post 9510713)
Math???..you fell down with the whole spelling arguement there:thumbup:
I love spell check, but it has made me a really lazy speller. |
Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Interesting to hear from people about the schools in the US. This is another thing that my husband says is better out here than in the UK... the education. I have no idea where he is getting this information from. The schools where we live don't have the metal detectors which I'm thankful for. I have no idea how good they are though.
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by cheeky_monkey
(Post 9510713)
Math???..you fell down with the whole spelling arguement there:thumbup:
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Re: Husband & Second thoughts
Originally Posted by NatalieLucy
(Post 9510799)
Interesting to hear from people about the schools in the US. This is another thing that my husband says is better out here than in the UK... the education. I have no idea where he is getting this information from.
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