heartbroken
Nov 25th 2003, 8:04 pm
#46
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Re: heartbroken
Originally posted by Noorah101
Khadija....2 blank posts? LOL It did that to me one day, too! :-)
Khadija....2 blank posts? LOL It did that to me one day, too! :-)
What I started to say was I was going to reply to Leslie and agree I'm sometimes terrified about how Abdo will adjust to life here. While in many ways it's not so different than life there (get up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, be with family and go to sleep...repeat...), in many ways it's radically different - freer culture, new language, driving a car everywhere, below 0 temperatures...
My husband is giving EVERYTHING up to be with me. I find that daunting and incredibly loving all at the same time. He's giving up a huge and loving family, his home, his friends - everything - to live with me and help me care for my elderly mother (in our home)! He'll be completely and utterly dependent on me for everything once he's here - socially and economically - that's a lot for both of us to handle.
There was never any question of me moving to Egypt. I'm not fluent in Arabic and I support my elderly mother who needs good medical care. Abdo knew from the start he had to move here if this was to work. Someday we hope to live in Egypt but that's not in the immediate or even near-term future.
Luckily, we've had the opportunity for him to dip a toe in the water of western culture through the two business trips on which he's accompanied me. It wasn't all fun (most of it was but not all). There were times he felt utterly overwhelmed by the culture we take for granted. I didn't make it any easier by brushing off his fear with a quick smile and "oh you'll get it, don't worry" comment. Word to the wise, even if it's seems silly, take the time to talk everything out with your foreign spouse. Half of what occurred socially he didn't understand and the other half that he understood he didn't like! He didn't like it because he has nothing except his current culture through which he filters everything at the moment. Learning to anticipate how things might seem so you can prepare them may help. I know longer assume "he'll just get it".
Because our commitment to each other is strong, we have a deep believe in Allah and destiny - as well because we had an inkling our cultures were radically different, we've expected bumps in the road. Through these experiences we've learned to talk and talk and talk so as to not allow things to boil over. One can't make any assumptions in my opinion. Too dangerous.
I suspect the adjustment is even harder for those who assume because they share a language and many cultural traits that they're identical or at least the differences are so small as to be negotiable. So, the fact that the adjustment is difficult comes out of left field. At least in our case, we're trying to do everything to prepare ourselves for the differences but we can't think of everything. When we cross a bridge we have crossed before I hope and pray love will be enough to get through what ever lies ahead.
As for third vs. first world... you know what they say about assume...it makes an ass out of u and me! Having hoards of technology has its advantages but I'd trade that many times for those quiet evenings in Cairo when the lights go out and we're all sitting around laughing and being content just to be with those we love!
Patty Khadijah
Nov 25th 2003, 8:18 pm
#47
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Posts: 58,679
Re: heartbroken
Originally posted by Khadija
Ok, Ok... having one of those days...buried at work and calling my extended family to wish them a very Happy Eid!!
What I started to say was I was going to reply to Leslie and agree I'm sometimes terrified about how Abdo will adjust to life here. While in many ways it's not so different than life there (get up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, be with family and go to sleep...repeat...), in many ways it's radically different - freer culture, new language, driving a car everywhere, below 0 temperatures...
My husband is giving EVERYTHING up to be with me. I find that daunting and incredibly loving all at the same time. He's giving up a huge and loving family, his home, his friends - everything - to live with me and help me care for my elderly mother (in our home)! He'll be completely and utterly dependent on me for everything once he's here - socially and economically - that's a lot for both of us to handle.
There was never any question of me moving to Egypt. I'm not fluent in Arabic and I support my elderly mother who needs good medical care. Abdo knew from the start he had to move here if this was to work. Someday we hope to live in Egypt but that's not in the immediate or even near-term future.
Luckily, we've had the opportunity for him to dip a toe in the water of western culture through the two business trips on which he's accompanied me. It wasn't all fun (most of it was but not all). There were times he felt utterly overwhelmed by the culture we take for granted. I didn't make it any easier by brushing off his fear with a quick smile and "oh you'll get it, don't worry" comment. Word to the wise, even if it's seems silly, take the time to talk everything out with your foreign spouse. Half of what occurred socially he didn't understand and the other half that he understood he didn't like! He didn't like it because he has nothing except his current culture through which he filters everything at the moment. Learning to anticipate how things might seem so you can prepare them may help. I know longer assume "he'll just get it".
Because our commitment to each other is strong, we have a deep believe in Allah and destiny - as well because we had an inkling our cultures were radically different, we've expected bumps in the road. Through these experiences we've learned to talk and talk and talk so as to not allow things to boil over. One can't make any assumptions in my opinion. Too dangerous.
I suspect the adjustment is even harder for those who assume because they share a language and many cultural traits that they're identical or at least the differences are so small as to be negotiable. So, the fact that the adjustment is difficult comes out of left field. At least in our case, we're trying to do everything to prepare ourselves for the differences but we can't think of everything. When we cross a bridge we have crossed before I hope and pray love will be enough to get through what ever lies ahead.
As for third vs. first world... you know what they say about assume...it makes an ass out of u and me! Having hoards of technology has its advantages but I'd trade that many times for those quiet evenings in Cairo when the lights go out and we're all sitting around laughing and being content just to be with those we love!
Patty Khadijah
Ok, Ok... having one of those days...buried at work and calling my extended family to wish them a very Happy Eid!!
What I started to say was I was going to reply to Leslie and agree I'm sometimes terrified about how Abdo will adjust to life here. While in many ways it's not so different than life there (get up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, be with family and go to sleep...repeat...), in many ways it's radically different - freer culture, new language, driving a car everywhere, below 0 temperatures...
My husband is giving EVERYTHING up to be with me. I find that daunting and incredibly loving all at the same time. He's giving up a huge and loving family, his home, his friends - everything - to live with me and help me care for my elderly mother (in our home)! He'll be completely and utterly dependent on me for everything once he's here - socially and economically - that's a lot for both of us to handle.
There was never any question of me moving to Egypt. I'm not fluent in Arabic and I support my elderly mother who needs good medical care. Abdo knew from the start he had to move here if this was to work. Someday we hope to live in Egypt but that's not in the immediate or even near-term future.
Luckily, we've had the opportunity for him to dip a toe in the water of western culture through the two business trips on which he's accompanied me. It wasn't all fun (most of it was but not all). There were times he felt utterly overwhelmed by the culture we take for granted. I didn't make it any easier by brushing off his fear with a quick smile and "oh you'll get it, don't worry" comment. Word to the wise, even if it's seems silly, take the time to talk everything out with your foreign spouse. Half of what occurred socially he didn't understand and the other half that he understood he didn't like! He didn't like it because he has nothing except his current culture through which he filters everything at the moment. Learning to anticipate how things might seem so you can prepare them may help. I know longer assume "he'll just get it".
Because our commitment to each other is strong, we have a deep believe in Allah and destiny - as well because we had an inkling our cultures were radically different, we've expected bumps in the road. Through these experiences we've learned to talk and talk and talk so as to not allow things to boil over. One can't make any assumptions in my opinion. Too dangerous.
I suspect the adjustment is even harder for those who assume because they share a language and many cultural traits that they're identical or at least the differences are so small as to be negotiable. So, the fact that the adjustment is difficult comes out of left field. At least in our case, we're trying to do everything to prepare ourselves for the differences but we can't think of everything. When we cross a bridge we have crossed before I hope and pray love will be enough to get through what ever lies ahead.
As for third vs. first world... you know what they say about assume...it makes an ass out of u and me! Having hoards of technology has its advantages but I'd trade that many times for those quiet evenings in Cairo when the lights go out and we're all sitting around laughing and being content just to be with those we love!
Patty Khadijah
Nov 25th 2003, 8:19 pm
#48
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Re: heartbroken
[i...], My husband is giving EVERYTHING up to be with me. I find that daunting and incredibly loving all at the same time. He's giving up a huge and loving family, his home, his friends - everything - to live with me and help me care for my elderly mother (in our home)!
Patty Khadijah
Patty Khadijah
This reminded me of something a friend said to me once when I was fretting about making Khalid's transition easier. She said "Leslie go easy on yourself it's not your responsibility to make sure he's happy." I thought about that long and hard, because I don't go in for co-dependency in any way shape or form. However, to some extent, he is my responsibility, at least in the beginning. If I were to move to his country, I would expect and need him to look after me. I really believe that to love means caring as much or more for the other persons feelings and well being as you do for your own.
Leslie
Nov 25th 2003, 8:26 pm
#49
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Re: heartbroken
In a way, Leslie, your friend is right. It's not our job to make our spouses happy. It's our responsibility to be their soulmate, friend and "interpretor" so they can navigate our world and learn about all the wonderful things American has to offer so they can be happy of their own accord. When we're in Egypt (I do go there for visits and we have our own flat) he's my guide. As he teaches and I learn I find many, many ways to be happy in that life. It's all about sharing not only your heart but your mind as well.
Cheers,
Patty Khadijah
Cheers,
Patty Khadijah
Originally posted by Leslie66
Yeah!! Patty,
This reminded me of something a friend said to me once when I was fretting about making Khalid's transition easier. She said "Leslie go easy on yourself it's not your responsibility to make sure he's happy." I thought about that long and hard, because I don't go in for co-dependency in any way shape or form. However, to some extent, he is my responsibility, at least in the beginning. If I were to move to his country, I would expect and need him to look after me. I really believe that to love means caring as much or more for the other persons feelings and well being as you do for your own.
Leslie
Yeah!! Patty,
This reminded me of something a friend said to me once when I was fretting about making Khalid's transition easier. She said "Leslie go easy on yourself it's not your responsibility to make sure he's happy." I thought about that long and hard, because I don't go in for co-dependency in any way shape or form. However, to some extent, he is my responsibility, at least in the beginning. If I were to move to his country, I would expect and need him to look after me. I really believe that to love means caring as much or more for the other persons feelings and well being as you do for your own.
Leslie
Nov 25th 2003, 8:28 pm
#50
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 90
Re: heartbroken
Hi,
Would like to offer my perspective - I'm the foreign fiance contemplating moving to the US permanently. Most days its not even a concern because I love him so much that I feel like I would do pretty much anything to be with him...
Then there is days like today when I start thinking whats its going to be really like....
Here in NZ I'm a practising solicitor & barrister (attorney for you guys!) with a well paying job, great friends & my family is anazing. Moving up there means I might not be able to work for awhile let alone in the profession that I spent 7 years training for, knowing no-one, and not even being able to drive anywhere if I just needed a break....
Yep, its an extremely frightening prospect and I do have major concerns so I can understand what Robin's fiance's position....
Krissy
Would like to offer my perspective - I'm the foreign fiance contemplating moving to the US permanently. Most days its not even a concern because I love him so much that I feel like I would do pretty much anything to be with him...
Then there is days like today when I start thinking whats its going to be really like....
Here in NZ I'm a practising solicitor & barrister (attorney for you guys!) with a well paying job, great friends & my family is anazing. Moving up there means I might not be able to work for awhile let alone in the profession that I spent 7 years training for, knowing no-one, and not even being able to drive anywhere if I just needed a break....
Yep, its an extremely frightening prospect and I do have major concerns so I can understand what Robin's fiance's position....
Krissy
Nov 25th 2003, 8:29 pm
#51
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Re: heartbroken
Originally posted by Leslie66
Yeah!! Patty,
This reminded me of something a friend said to me once when I was fretting about making Khalid's transition easier. She said "Leslie go easy on yourself it's not your responsibility to make sure he's happy." I thought about that long and hard, because I don't go in for co-dependency in any way shape or form. However, to some extent, he is my responsibility, at least in the beginning. If I were to move to his country, I would expect and need him to look after me. I really believe that to love means caring as much or more for the other persons feelings and well being as you do for your own.
Leslie
Yeah!! Patty,
This reminded me of something a friend said to me once when I was fretting about making Khalid's transition easier. She said "Leslie go easy on yourself it's not your responsibility to make sure he's happy." I thought about that long and hard, because I don't go in for co-dependency in any way shape or form. However, to some extent, he is my responsibility, at least in the beginning. If I were to move to his country, I would expect and need him to look after me. I really believe that to love means caring as much or more for the other persons feelings and well being as you do for your own.
Leslie
Nov 25th 2003, 8:31 pm
#52
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Re: heartbroken
Originally posted by krissyv
Yep, its an extremely frightening prospect and I do have major concerns so I can understand what Robin's fiance's position....
Krissy
Yep, its an extremely frightening prospect and I do have major concerns so I can understand what Robin's fiance's position....
Krissy
Leslie
Nov 25th 2003, 8:31 pm
#53
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Re: heartbroken
Originally posted by Noorah101
My definition of Love boils down to one simple statement: Love is when you want the other person's happiness more than your own. And that can apply to spouses, family, friends...anyone you truly love.
My definition of Love boils down to one simple statement: Love is when you want the other person's happiness more than your own. And that can apply to spouses, family, friends...anyone you truly love.
I couldn't agree more, Noorah101 !!!
Nov 25th 2003, 8:43 pm
#54
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Re: heartbroken
Originally posted by Leslie66
Yeah!! Patty,
This reminded me of something a friend said to me once when I was fretting about making Khalid's transition easier. She said "Leslie go easy on yourself it's not your responsibility to make sure he's happy." I thought about that long and hard, because I don't go in for co-dependency in any way shape or form. However, to some extent, he is my responsibility, at least in the beginning. If I were to move to his country, I would expect and need him to look after me. I really believe that to love means caring as much or more for the other persons feelings and well being as you do for your own.
Leslie
Yeah!! Patty,
This reminded me of something a friend said to me once when I was fretting about making Khalid's transition easier. She said "Leslie go easy on yourself it's not your responsibility to make sure he's happy." I thought about that long and hard, because I don't go in for co-dependency in any way shape or form. However, to some extent, he is my responsibility, at least in the beginning. If I were to move to his country, I would expect and need him to look after me. I really believe that to love means caring as much or more for the other persons feelings and well being as you do for your own.
Leslie
One big relief has been the non-profit that does his ESOL teaching. Not only do they have instructional material that is specific to speakers of another language, but it also takes me out of the teacher role for a while. It can create a real weird dynamic if the majority of your interaction is instructive. I am really grateful for anyone who stepped in to help with anything, especially driving instruction, because I got to be just a wife for a little more time.
Do you what he probably has the most trouble with? (Besides climate.) The way children behave here. Sometimes, I have to agree.
Nov 25th 2003, 8:45 pm
#55
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Re: heartbroken
Originally posted by Noorah101
My definition of Love boils down to one simple statement: Love is when you want the other person's happiness more than your own. And that can apply to spouses, family, friends...anyone you truly love.
My definition of Love boils down to one simple statement: Love is when you want the other person's happiness more than your own. And that can apply to spouses, family, friends...anyone you truly love.
Ditto!!
Nov 25th 2003, 8:47 pm
#56
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Re: heartbroken
Originally posted by Pallyn Do you what he probably has the most trouble with? (Besides climate.) The way children behave here.
LOL!!! Me too.
Nov 25th 2003, 8:59 pm
#57
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Re: heartbroken
Well, I am really feeling down now. I dropped him off at the bus tourminal this morning to catch his flight from Boston tonight. I have everything I can do not to call the airport and beg him not to go. I do love him so very much but I too believe that if you love someone, you should let them go. I do want him in my life as he has been there so much for me these past two years here alone raising my children. So, we probably will just see eachother as we have been for now.
I just wanted to let you all know that I cannot take my children out of the country even for a visit because now you need the other parant's permission to do so and that will never happen for me. My youngest just turned 5.
Thank you all for your comments, all that is, except one person and they know who they are.
Sincerely,
Robin
I just wanted to let you all know that I cannot take my children out of the country even for a visit because now you need the other parant's permission to do so and that will never happen for me. My youngest just turned 5.
Thank you all for your comments, all that is, except one person and they know who they are.
Sincerely,
Robin
Nov 25th 2003, 9:08 pm
#58
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Re: heartbroken
My heart really goes out to you Robin. I am so sorry.
Leslie
Leslie
Originally posted by ladymcbride
Well, I am really feeling down now. I dropped him off at the bus tourminal this morning to catch his flight from Boston tonight. I have everything I can do not to call the airport and beg him not to go. I do love him so very much but I too believe that if you love someone, you should let them go. I do want him in my life as he has been there so much for me these past two years here alone raising my children. So, we probably will just see eachother as we have been for now.
I just wanted to let you all know that I cannot take my children out of the country even for a visit because now you need the other parant's permission to do so and that will never happen for me. My youngest just turned 5.
Thank you all for your comments, all that is, except one person and they know who they are.
Sincerely,
Robin
Well, I am really feeling down now. I dropped him off at the bus tourminal this morning to catch his flight from Boston tonight. I have everything I can do not to call the airport and beg him not to go. I do love him so very much but I too believe that if you love someone, you should let them go. I do want him in my life as he has been there so much for me these past two years here alone raising my children. So, we probably will just see eachother as we have been for now.
I just wanted to let you all know that I cannot take my children out of the country even for a visit because now you need the other parant's permission to do so and that will never happen for me. My youngest just turned 5.
Thank you all for your comments, all that is, except one person and they know who they are.
Sincerely,
Robin
Nov 25th 2003, 9:13 pm
#59
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Re: heartbroken
Originally posted by Leslie66
My heart really goes out to you Robin. I am so sorry.
Leslie
My heart really goes out to you Robin. I am so sorry.
Leslie
Jeezz.... I also wish I knew what to say now. This is terrible.
Best wishes from me and my other half. !!!!
Nov 25th 2003, 9:18 pm
#60
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Re: heartbroken
{{{Big hugs}}} Robin... I am so sorry. 
Elaine
Elaine