heartbroken
 

Just wanted to let you all know that before you have your fiance' or fiancee' move over here that they are absolutely sure that is where they want to be.

My fiance' arrived October 3, and we have gone through hell and high water trying to get his social security, with no luck. We weren't going to get married until December 27, but today, I am bringing him home. He does not want to be here in the states and is very homesick. There is nothing I can do and now I am totally heartbroken.

Sure, we talked about all this before he came over. It's been almost two years now. I did not want this to happen and had tried to make sure that he would not feel this way after the move, but, he is insisting that he go home.

He does want me to move back to England with him, but I did tell him a long time ago, I could not handle that move. I am close to my family and also have two children here who are very close with there dad. So, just a little advise, make sure they know what they are doing and if you have to paint the worse picture for them just to see if they indeed want to spend the rest of their life with you here in the USA, then do it.

Sincerely, Robin

Re: heartbroken
 

Robin

That is a very sad story and I am really sorry to hear of your situation.

I have to ask, why could his SS# not be obtained? Which visa did he enter the US on? Are you travelling back to England with him?

You have obviously both discussed this, no doubt to the point of exhaustion. Maybe some time apart could be a good thing... to give you both thinking time alone.

I sincerely hope that something can be worked out that is best for both of you, and wish you all the luck and happiness in the future.

Re: heartbroken
 

I am so sorry to hear this, Robin.

Homesick, that can be a very serious thing, with serious consequences (excuse spelling).
Can't he give it some more time, to adjust? Does he have a job? Does he have "things" to do?
I wish I knew a cure, really.......
If he really is going back, then will YOU give it a try there, in England? (it's really beautiful there).
As I said, I wish there was something that could be done.
I wish you and your husband all the luck and happiness in the world !!!!!

Re: heartbroken
 

Robin

Your story is a poignant one and one that has been experienced by many others over the years. I can only imagine how heartbroken you are and pray that your recovery is swift and complete.

It is so easy to be caught up in the headiness of love and adventure. And it is just as easy to discover that the change in lifestyle, culture and facing the innumerable delays caused by dealing with an immigration agency in the processing of making sweeping changes to its handling of procedures are issues that you cannot handle.

Thursday is Thanksgiving Day, Robin. I hope that when you sit around your table that you give thanks for the opportunity you have had to know the love of someone like your ex-fiancee and thankful that he knew and acted swiftly before marriage that he could not be happy living here. Since you has said that you know you could not live in the UK with him because of your children and your closeness to your family, you do understand his feelings first hand.

Regards,
Rete

Re: heartbroken
 

I'm so sorry you're going through that Lady Mc.

Moving away is difficult. I had problems adjusting to life in Spain and it took me a good year to settle down after moving here. Having been through two country moves I'd really advise people to give it a very minimum of a year.

Re: heartbroken
 

Thanks for your input, I have no regrets in meeting him at all and he has brought so much to my life. I am also glad that this has happened now instead of a year or two down the road. We are not married yet and he can get his job back in the UK. He wants to keep in touch but I am having a hard time with that right now because I do love him so very much and I know that our lives will just have to go on. Maybe all in time. All I know is that I'm really not looking forward too much to the holidays. Thanks god for my kids, they are my whole life.

Re: heartbroken
 

Robin,

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened and what you are going through. :( Getting used to a new culture/lifestyle is never a quick process, but I guess it is harder on some than on others. My thoughts go to you in getting through this. I truly wish you a quick mending of your broken heart so that you can move on...hang in there.

Juliet

Re: heartbroken
 

Hi Robin,
There is probably nothing that anyone can say that will make you feel any better right now but maybe just knowing that there are others out there thinking of you might bring a smile to your face and lift your heart a bit.

Mr. Pink and I have both been through so much in the last couple of years with divorces and loneliness and desperation--- and all I can offer to you right now is the sense of relief and awe I feel when I think of where we were two years ago and where we are now. He used to tell me all the time, "It *WILL* get better, love" and somehow I always did believe him and he was right. It takes time, it's all a process, and I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but I do wish you good luck and I know from personal experience that we all have reserves inside us that we never dreamed we had. It *WILL* get better.

Sending positive thoughts your way, (and a hug, too!)
~SecretGarden
~and Mr. Pink (Day 179, NSC)
5/29/03 1st NOA, 129f for K1

Re: heartbroken
 

Robin, I'm really sorry to hear that things have not worked out as you hoped.

Moving to a new country is not easy. Adjusting from a long distance relationship to a live in one (followed by marriage) is not easy. Put the two things together and you know there's a difficult time ahead. I think that's why if you have any doubts about any part of it, they should be voiced beforehand but also, I agree with Sibsie - it certainly does take time to adjust.

Most of us learn patience through the k1/k3 process and we need to apply that kind of patience for when we are together with our partners in the whole adjustment process.

In some ways, I think it can be more difficult because we expect it all to be smooth and easy once we get there - and the shock of finding out that it's not, is hard to handle. However, the best thing is that no matter how hard things get, we have the support of our fiances/spouses. I've had the experience of moving country on my own - and starting out in a place where I knew hardly anyone. I think my move to the US to be with my fiance will be better to cope with because I know we'll be able to support each other in the adjustments we both will need to make.

Clare

Re: heartbroken
 

I totally agree with Clare. I've found that it really does take time to settle down. Add into the mix that I didn't speak the language when I got here and didn't know a soul and it was tough going.

Having been through it before I think I know the pitfalls of moving and understand the highs and lows that you go through before you settle into some sort of routine.

Is there no way Lady Mc if the relationship itself is strong that maybe you can get him to tough it out for a little while.

Another thing I found helpful was to stop calling the UK "home".

Re: heartbroken
 

Robin,

*hugs* I wish you the best in this time of trouble.

My husband came from the UK too and had it really rough for months after arriving. He also desperatly wanted to return home and I looked into moving to Ireland. Then I found some websites on culture shock and we had long conversations about how it was a normal feeling and would pass. Sometimes culture shock can last for years. My husbands been here eight months. He no longer wants to return to the UK, but he still feels lost here.

I find it very sad that after such a long process that he wouldnt stick it out no matter what happened. But things have a way of working out for the best, even if it seems like the worse thing in the world at the time.

*hugs*

Lisa

Re: heartbroken
 

I am sorry to hear about your news. I so agree with what people have already written here. When you go to live abroad, it does take a longer time than anticipated to adjust to the new life. There'll be good and bad things you never experience when you're on home ground.

This situation could be a blessing in disguise, it could lead you both in a different direction/a better situation.

I'm trying to remember that saying which goes something like: "Let the butterfly go and it will come back to you".

I wish you all the best and happiness.
sparkler.

Re: heartbroken
 

Hi Robin,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. What was it that your fiance missed so badly? Or did he just hate everything about the states? I've tried to prepare my husband for everything, but I won't be seeing through his eyes, so I don't know how things will effect him.

Leslie

Re: heartbroken
 

Robin:

I also am sad to hear what happened to you. It is terrible to have to face such devestation especially when you have put your heart, soul and being in to a relationship with one person. I also understand your trepidation in "remaing friends" after he returns home.

Have you thought about NOT making the trip back with him? Perhaps it might be easier if you do fly overseas knowing you will be going your separate ways at the end of the trip and thereafter facing the long trip back alone.....I can understand how now it feels better to accompany him home, but perhaps in long run it will be easier on you to say your good byes at the airport and return to your loving family who can offer their support to you immediately.

The loss you are experiencing is very much akin to the death of a loved one----as you are experiencing the death of a very special and important relationship in your life. I hope you take the time to take care of yourself now, give yourself time to grieve the loss of this relationship and move forward as it is best for you (not as others suggest you should do).

I hope you are able to find suppoprt and warmth from your family and children during the upcoming holiday season. While it does not undo the pain you feel so deep in your heart, it always is gratifying to know that others value you and you are important in their lives.

Re: heartbroken
 

I'm sorry that you had a bad experience. But let me tell you, nobody can ever be a 100% sure of that everything will work out. There is no such assurance in life. It is impossible to predict the future and most of us did not know exactly what we were getting ourselves into, until it actually happened.

Determination is one of the main things that will help you go through the many stages of your life change. If a person cannot accept this life however, I wouldn't look at it as a complete failure. If you really love somebody there are always more than just one choice, and maybe that just wasn't the right one.

Even though they say love can make everything alright, life is much more complicated than people realize sometimes.