LadyM

Hello All,
This is my first post here and I would need your help.
I married a USC in October 2007 but things have been going downhill from the very start and do not show any signs of getting better (never ending emotional abuse and bullying, unexpected fits of rage, he is treating me like a 5 year old and I have to walk on eggshells. I've been living in fear for more than 6 months now, not sleeping, crying and feeling totally lost and helpless...), sigh...
I am considering divorce but I do not know if it is wise to do it now as I received my conditional green card two weeks ago. Is separation a better option? How long do you think I should wait before filing for divorce?
Thank you in advance!
LadyM

Noorah101

Sorry to hear you're having problems. You are now a permanent resident, so the choice is yours whether to try a separation for a while or go right for divorce.

If you try a separation, don't forget you will still have to file a joint I-751 to remove the conditions during the 2 years minus 90 days window from the date you became a PR. There's no way of knowing what your relationship will be like with your husband at that time...maybe it would be better and he'll happily joint sign with you. Maybe it will be worse and you'll have to divorce and do an I-751 late.

If you divorce now (or whenever), you don't have to wait the whole 2 years until filing the I-751, you can file it as soon as the divorce is final. You will file the I-751 on your own with a waiver of joint filing requirements. You will have to prove your marriage was entered into in good faith.

Either way, you remain a PR until an immigration judge says you are not, if it should come to that.

Good luck in your decision,
Rene

fatbrit

If you're planning on staying, as soon as you've gathered evidence of a bona fide marriage and you have consulted both an immigration and a divorce lawyer.

ian-mstm

Is it wiser to wait until he beats you within an inch of your life? I can't fathom why you'd continue to stay in an abusive relationship just because you have an immigration issue.

That said, you have 4 things to do... in order: 1) today, gather up proof that you entered the marriage in good faith; 2) tomorrow, protect your financial interests; 3) the next day, move out of the house; and 4) the day after that, file for divorce! Once the divorce is final, you can file an I-751 to remove conditions on your own.

You *are* a US permanent resident... and only an immigration judge can change that now.

Ian

LadyM

Thank you so much Rene!
My main concern is will the USCIS think it is a fake marriage since we have only been married six months and would it reduce my chances of having a I-751 waiver approved after divorce?
Still, I really can't stay with him. He has financial problems too, he's wasting all his money on eBay every month and we are in the process of renting a new apartment together. I will never be able to pay the rent by myself as the cost of the rent is what I am making monthly...
Thank you!

Noorah101

That's why you have to gather a lot of evidence that the marriage was entered into in good faith, so USCIS will have a better chance of believing it was not for immigration purposes.

Still, you have to think of your life and safety first, immigration second. If USCIS doesn't believe you on paper, they will schedule an interview, where you can go in person and explain your circumstances. If they still don't believe you, they'll put you in removal procedings and you'll be able to explain yourself in front of an immigration judge. So you will have chances to explain your dilemma in the future. Still, worse comes to worse, you go back to your country...but safely and without the abuse.

Rene

ian-mstm

Why? What's the absolute worst that could possibly happen? You'd have to leave the US and return to your home country. Besides, USCIS might think they have the power to strip you of your PR status... but they don't - that's up to an IJ.


Possibly, but unlikely. The criteria is that you entered the marriage in good faith... nothing more.

Ian

Rete

Ditto to what Ian has said. I would interject, however, that since you only married 9 months ago and have only been a CPR for 2 weeks, that it would be in your best interest to document his emotional abuse. It can be in the form of someone else hearing a particular instance and writing it up with the date and time. Or recording it. It is legal in NY to record a conversation without the other person knowing it. This varies from state to state.

I mention this because you are still a newlywed, you said you have been emotionally abused for over 6 months, you have only been married for 9 months (October - June = 9 months. not 6), and did not speak out about this abuse until after you had gotten your residency.

Talk an attorney and have a professional tell you the best way to retain your residency and remove the conditions.

LadyM

Thank you Rete, Noorah, Ian and FatBrit.
I did speak out about this abuse about 3 months ago but I was told (by an immigration lawyer) to wait a few more months before filing for divorce because I was still waiting for AOS approval at the time.
I will see an immigration attorney and start gathering proof (I have photos, letters, emails plus lease with my name added to it. We do not have a joint bank account.
I kept a diary describing what was happening at home but I do not know if it can be considered as proof.
I took an appointment with an immigration lawyer, he could not see me before the 17th and in the meantime I will try not to move to that apartment with him if I can...
Thank you, I really appreciate your help!

ian-mstm

I suggest you report this attorney to your state bar association. Advising someone to remain in an abusive relationship borders on criminal action. And again, so what if your immigration status wasn't sorted out? What's the worst that could happen?


This is not directed at you personally, although I must say, your actions bring this to mind... but why is it that people are more concerned about their immigration status than their personal safety? Get out of the house and sort out your immigration issues afterwards.


Do, or do not. There is no trying!

Ian

LadyM

I am concerned about immigration issues because I have no place to go back to anymore, no job and no money to pay for another expensive international moving.
If I had married for immigrations issues I would have been more than happy to stay for 2 years or more with that person as a roomate or a friend, I would not have cared a single second!
Having left everything behind for one person and seeing the relationship deteriorate is painful.
Why stay here? Other than the financial issues I can't go back having lost everything and feeling sad and crushed and bitter. I have a job here and I could stay a little while until all the hurt is the past and I can go back with no feelings of failure and bitterness. That's all. And believe me staying here scares me because I have no friends and no support network here but I am not strong enough right now to go through another international moving, job searching, apartment searching, etc. I need to heal first.

Cherr1980

Good words Ian...ahh, my friend Yoda.

*****SORRY FOR THE LONG POST*******
Lady M

For USCIS purposes you need to prepare yourself better why you want to stay here in the case that it comes e.g. interview while removing the conditions. Gather enough evidence of your life; you need to show that financially you were a couple meaning: joint accounts, bills, utilities, cars, tax returns, correspondence in names or each one, pictures, etc.

Anyway, I am telling you this from my own experience and read carefully. I am not trying to compare my own suffering with yours because we are different and are different stories...but just to let you know that you must be open to decide what to do if you are not able to stay. Your life is not about to stay in the US, your life right now is about be happy for YOU, away of a dangerous situation, not about be happy to stay in the US...those are TWO different things. But you are the one who must choose and be clear in what you want. We already told you that you can apply by yourself...but why put so much pressure on yourself for immigration purposes than for your own life! Regardless of your fears with USCIS if you can demonstrate or not, there are risk in life who are priceless! And you should be choosing wisely.

My husband and future to be ex, spend money like the plastic card is a never ending money pot, which he considers that the rest of the universe is responsible for every single thing that he in his childish mind and attitude hasn't been able to accomplish. He will NEVER understand that part of being an adult is that you and only you are the one to pin point at the time of a failure and you and only you must understand that sometimes in life we won't get what we want or what we consider what we deserve. Unfortunately life is not about if you are a good girl you will have a pinky pony.

Now, I could easily wait all these months that have been hell! (Believe me HELL is a short word for what actually I have been living) until I get my 10 year green card (I haven’t get it yet) or until mid next year and be able to file for my citizenship and be "happy" and "safe". Yes and what else? Broke, smiling and lying about something that I don't feel anymore and disgust me and most of all extremely unhappy. Be link to a person who 1. Capable to destroy my personal finances 2. I will continue my eternal duties of maid/his mother/slave of all his wishes to make him happy and stop thinking about my own happiness 3. continues listening to his verbal abuse of "you are crazy", "you are an irrational" , "people like you -referring where I come from- are always exaggerated", "your parents educated you and your siblings wrong", "you are an ignorant", and on and on...when I was asking that he needed to put money for our own family savings? And after ALL I did for him, he accused me at the end of cheating and that I marry him for a visa...like I was starving in my country.

Yes, you left everything from him...and lesson learned. When you move to another country...always leave something behind e.g. a savings account. But to leave everything for him was a mutual and consent decision, is hard... I heard you. But you will find new friends and people that will give a lot of courage and keep an open communication with your family.

Feeling crushed, sad and bitter is not about location is about you. You can feel sad, crushed and bitter in a cruise, in your house, at your job or at your home country. That is not an excuse that you give to USCIS. For that there is a help, you could see a counselor or a person who can guide you to find peace, it will take time, months. You are and will be angry, been there…still I am angry at him.

If somebody asks me why I want to stay here, I say, well, I will try. I have been living here three years of my adult life. The dream to come here was only to follow my husband, the man that I loved for many months and couple of years, but turned out to be a fake, a person that it was not the one who showed me that "we will do things together" and even I did my best to save our marriage he did nothing about it (marriage counseling, talk with his friends, talk with his chaplain, etc.)...I have new friends, I love my work, what I do and I am doing excellent. I made the type of living that I am having thanks and only to me and my hard efforts to survive, BUT, if things get ugly and for more that I try I can't, well...I already contact my family and explained to them that if I can't then I will stay with them for the first month until I get a job and yes start again...is that the way is going to be, then so be it.

I know is not the same for everybody...but I only can tell you that right now you should think in WHAT YOU WANT. And sometimes what you want and what make you happy does not go along with immigration issues and you must remember WHY you came here in the first place. Unfortunately the heavy part is in the immigrant many times...and we have to bear with it.

Good luck and I wish you find peace and happiness.

LadyM

Thank you very much for your message Cherr1980, it helped me a lot.
I recognised a lot of my whole story when I read your message.
I suggested marriage counselling too, only to be told that I was the one who needed a shrink...
I took a lot of time to think about what to do next and I decided that I needed to go back to Europe. There is no point staying here without him, I have no friends and I am far away from my family.
I very well know that my life is NOT about staying in the US (I only came here for him) but I have no place to stay in Europe until I find an apartment and a job...
I sent SOS emails to about everybody I know asking if they could let me stay at their place (paying rent) or if they knew somebody who needed a temporary roomate but I either got no replies or negative ones. Tough...
My parents would have me of course but they live in the South of France and there are no jobs in their small town.
I'm still trying and trying to find a solution to go back, until then I will have to stay here and still try to find a place to stay in Europe even if it takes a few months.
Thank you for sharing your experience and thank you for your support, you really helped me a lot!
I wish you all the best with your life, you deserve it!

Rete

LadyM you are feeding yourself a bunch of crap. None of the reasons cited above are reasons to stay in a relationship that is abusive. You need therapy. Please seek help asap.

ian-mstm

I hate to say this, but you are a victim of abuse and you are reacting like a victim... not as a rational, thinking person... but as a victim. This is not uncommon... most abuse victims think exactly like this. You will pass up obvious avenues of help because you are able to rationalize your way out of it. For example, why can't you live with your parents? Because there are no jobs. Well... so what? Like most abuse victims, you want some sort of control over your environment and having no jobs in your parents' town doesn't offer control. It does, however, offer you a way to dismiss that avenue of help.

Well... I'm here to tell you that there are *degrees* of control... and you have to start with "some" control before you can progress to "full" control. You want "immediacy" and "permanence"... but it simply isn't going to happen.


No... you have a solution. Go back! It'll be a lot easier to find a job when you are out of your current situation and home safe with your parents. At that point, you can go job hunting and move away from them when you find work.


Why? So you can continue to be abused? Why are you so willing to be a doormat for your husband?


So do you... but you have to *want* to make the effort.

Ian