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Whats the right thing to do?

Whats the right thing to do?

Old Jun 18th 2012, 3:36 am
  #1  
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Default Whats the right thing to do?

Earlier this year my Mum fell out with my Grandad over money and hurtful things were said, so my Stepdad also fell out with him, it escalated to my sister and her family also falling out with him. Me? I'm Switzerland. My Mum has now passed away. My Stepdad has not told my Grandad or my Uncle although my other Uncle, who is also Switzerland does know, so I know my Grandad knows. I will be calling may Grandad this week to tell him my new address and phone number, we will obviously talk about my Mum. My sister has said my Grandad and uncle are not invited or welcome to the funeral. What do I do?
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 3:44 am
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

Bugger thats a toughy. I would tell them when and where funeral is and leave it to them to decide if they wish to attend.
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 6:09 am
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

Originally Posted by Piff Poff View Post
Earlier this year my Mum fell out with my Grandad over money and hurtful things were said, so my Stepdad also fell out with him, it escalated to my sister and her family also falling out with him. Me? I'm Switzerland. My Mum has now passed away. My Stepdad has not told my Grandad or my Uncle although my other Uncle, who is also Switzerland does know, so I know my Grandad knows. I will be calling may Grandad this week to tell him my new address and phone number, we will obviously talk about my Mum. My sister has said my Grandad and uncle are not invited or welcome to the funeral. What do I do?
Bugger being neutral, do what you think is the right thing to do, not what is the safest. I'd tell them to man up, not be so stupid and childish and deal with it.
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 6:25 am
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

A death in the family is a time for loved ones to draw together to support and comfort each other. If any of you have differences this when you should be putting them aside, not airing them. One of the best epitaphs I‘ve read is “Buy case of whisky and invite all enemys in.“ Tell your sister to grow up; your mom wouldn‘t want you to fight. Maybe tell Grandpa the same thing.
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 10:55 am
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

Funerals are a bit like weddings.

You feel you should invite everyone, and hope the joy, or sadness of the day unites everyone in the same feelings.

I have found this to be a mistake.

I have been to weddings where fights have broken out over past relationships and ruined the day.

At my Uncles funeral, one of the daughters boyfriend said "can't believe there's so many people here, I thought everyone hated him".... he got a kicking.... at a funeral.

This is a day for true respect, not for petty squabling. If you feel there's a chance of anything kicking off, I just wouldn't invite those people. They can pay their respects anytime in their own way, if they feel the need.

Just my thoughts.
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 1:01 pm
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

Originally Posted by Piff Poff View Post
Earlier this year my Mum fell out with my Grandad over money and hurtful things were said, so my Stepdad also fell out with him, it escalated to my sister and her family also falling out with him. Me? I'm Switzerland. My Mum has now passed away. My Stepdad has not told my Grandad or my Uncle although my other Uncle, who is also Switzerland does know, so I know my Grandad knows. I will be calling may Grandad this week to tell him my new address and phone number, we will obviously talk about my Mum. My sister has said my Grandad and uncle are not invited or welcome to the funeral. What do I do?
Hi Piff Poff, Im so very sorry for the loss of your Mum.

I come from a complicated family for the want of a better description but with deaths - specifically my Dad - everyone was told and a few 'people' turned up. I think I was the mediator that day and for a few days after the funeral, not a chosen role, however it was needed at times because there were so many emotions on display and peace reigned .

Its over a year ago now and we all really do laugh about certain things now - really belly laugh (thats just the way our family is though). The day of the funeral and just after, people discovered things they did not know and some people were more hurt than others however everyone had the choice to go or not, and to talk to others or not, and to be honest, no one can force anyone to think any differently than they do but they eventually appreciated being given the option.

It may be your family would be more upset in the future (or not) if they were not told and given the choice to do what they felt was best on the day.

If you give people the option, I would also (for me) structure their expectations that the day/time is about celebrating your Mum, her life and memories.
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 1:23 pm
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

Originally Posted by Piff Poff View Post
Earlier this year my Mum fell out with my Grandad over money and hurtful things were said, so my Stepdad also fell out with him, it escalated to my sister and her family also falling out with him. Me? I'm Switzerland. My Mum has now passed away. My Stepdad has not told my Grandad or my Uncle although my other Uncle, who is also Switzerland does know, so I know my Grandad knows. I will be calling may Grandad this week to tell him my new address and phone number, we will obviously talk about my Mum. My sister has said my Grandad and uncle are not invited or welcome to the funeral. What do I do?
What would your Mum have wanted? did she indicate at all? if she did, go with her wishes, no matter who it offends/hurts. Although, if the disagreement only occured earlier this year, was there 60 good years before that? if so, perhaps it's time to move on and bury your Mum in peace.

Last edited by dollface; Jun 18th 2012 at 2:00 pm.
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 1:30 pm
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

So sorry to hear about your Mum.

I would tell your Grandad where the funeral is and let him decide. If it's in a church, they are public places - nobody can stop any member of the random public attending a wedding / funeral.

Hope it works out ok.
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 1:51 pm
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

Sorry to read about your mum passing Piff.

Blood is thicker than water, if they want to pay their respects at her funeral, then they should be able to.

Without talking to each other then there wont be any healing, and whats said and done is water under the bridge now, its time for you all to move on.
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 2:04 pm
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

Totally agree with the others, when you speak to your grandad absolutely tell him where it is - HOWEVER - if he asks your opinion on family matters / squabbles / feuds etc - do make it perfectly clear that you are not in an emotional state to make decisions for other people based on recent events.

Tell him that it is for him and him alone to decide what the best course of action should be, although that being said if he does decide not to turn up then you should also respect that. He will be stuck in between wanting to pay respects and feeling that if he turns up then the whole family will start having a go.

Best wishes from me and Darcy xxxx
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 3:27 pm
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

Well, thank you everyone who has come up with suggestions and thanks for the sympathies too.

I have no idea what my Mums wishes were regards to my Grandad, apart from the fact that he hurt her when she was vulnerable and she didn't want to talk to him again. I just feel that at a funeral people who wish to attend should be able to attend to pay their respects. All this angst is over 6k gbp I hate when money destroys relationships, especially piddly amounts like that.

I think I shall just let the other neutral person deal with it as it's Grandads son, yes I'm chickening out but I'm too far away and too emotional to deal with all that really. Due to the Olympic flame travelling through Mums home town next week, it has disrupted the Crem' so there is a backlog and delay for funerals. My Mum hated sports and now it's got int he way of her send off
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 4:55 pm
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

I have to admit that when i read your original post I thought it said "Me? I'm in Switzerland." And I thought "what the hell's she doing there"
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 5:53 pm
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

Originally Posted by Piff Poff View Post
Well, thank you everyone who has come up with suggestions and thanks for the sympathies too.

I have no idea what my Mums wishes were regards to my Grandad, apart from the fact that he hurt her when she was vulnerable and she didn't want to talk to him again. I just feel that at a funeral people who wish to attend should be able to attend to pay their respects. All this angst is over 6k gbp I hate when money destroys relationships, especially piddly amounts like that.

I think I shall just let the other neutral person deal with it as it's Grandads son, yes I'm chickening out but I'm too far away and too emotional to deal with all that really. Due to the Olympic flame travelling through Mums home town next week, it has disrupted the Crem' so there is a backlog and delay for funerals. My Mum hated sports and now it's got int he way of her send off
Sounds like a good plan - let someone else deal with the hassle, you have enough on your plate, as you say it's a shame when money gets in the way, happens within tons of families.
Taker care of yourself
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Old Jun 18th 2012, 6:49 pm
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Default Re: Whats the right thing to do?

Very sorry to hear about your mum. Its never the right time.

The only advice I can give is to remember that people's emotions are very raw at these times and as such that they may do and say things that they ordinarily wouldn't. Its helped me to remember this at stressful events and thus put comments and actions into some sort of perspective. Good luck.
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