I think I'm done dadding but, if you come back as some kind of Lolita, we might be able to negotiate.

Relatedly, next week I shall attend the wedding of the eldest. She's getting married in Italy but lives in Africa where she works for an Italian NGO. She's previously worked in Iraq and has a deal to go to Afghanistan when the current African contract ends. I haven't met anyone else with such balls and am somewhat in awe.

Pretty much the same. They pay for their own vehicles, running costs, clothes and personal items. Sometimes we help out for a loan, usually I forget more often than they do. The transition from a child to an adult is not an easy one. Eventually most figure it out.

We hope that one day they may be the ones looking after us!

We all go out together, we ride together, we enjoy each other company, we have a laugh. Things change too quickly.

Also relevantly, dbd is not actually my name (really!). It originates from the dawn of talkboards when the Guardian one was the only one (two other posters here, to my knowledge, were members there too). I saw the talkboard, joined with my real name and, three posts in, realised that, if I posted my true opinions, I’d lose my job. Liberal opinions in Canada are fine to hold if you’re called Trudeau but I am not.

I needed a pseudonym. At that moment one of my children was laying on the floor and I was talking on the phone to the mother of all these various offspring. “The aromatherapist has not been able to cure the autism” (of the third daughter) “I need $n for the opinion of a second aromatherapist” came the, generally audible, voice.

“No” I said, “just no” and the daughter on the floor looked up and said “you’re such a deadbeat dad”. Dbd1-32 at hotmail were taken and so here we are.

I think it gets a little easier and relaxed for every generation, to some extent, that said in someways its harder for kids (trying to obtain an acceptable level of education), but I still think there should be house rules (i used to hate that term when I lived at home) but can see the reason and sense behind it now.

My sister and I were given "pocket money" when we were at school and before we started earning our own money, which wasn't much and we were expected to do a handful of chores to earn this pocket money (we used to do it begrudgingly as kids do) lol, and to be fair there wern't many chores, I think our parents just wanted to see us muck in so to speak as we lived under the same roof.

When we both start earning money we were expected to pay rent, my first job after leaving school was a trainee job where I got a measly 27.50 (pounds) per week, (back in 1987) I was asked to give 10pounds of that to my mom and dad for rent. Out of what was left I saved to buy my first car and insure it and maintain it, so I rarely got handouts, the only exception being MOT time....and I couldn't afford to get repairs done, my parents offered to help (but only after my car had been off the road for a couple of weeks and I had gone back to using my bike!) but i did get the "you dont know you are born these days" from my parents who used to remind me they had it a lot worse off than what I did.

To summarise I think if kids are living at home, and dont financially contribute to the house and the parents pay for some of their kids bills, then I think the kids should be expected to do a handful of house chores in return, just to be reminded that nothing should be taken for granted.....I was always reminded of that. As my parents used to say if you dont like it, then you can always go and get your own place, and followed it up with, my house my rules! I realise things have changed a little now though for the next generation... but I although I didnt like my parents rules at the time, I understand them now, and there was some validity to them even in this day and age.

It's funny how things have turned around. My parents were able to retire on a pension at age 60/65, I will be 68 if I am lucky. They had access to final salary pension schemes, I do not. They had access to reasonably priced housing and education, kids today do not.

One is likely to be the cause of the other.

We have never paid our kids an allowance. They are clothed and fed and we pay for their activities.

They have had horses and the like and, as anyone knows that has them, the work involved in doing so (which they did) negated any need for them to do other chores.

They have all be encouraged to obtain teenage type jobs and what they do with their money is up to them.

We have attempted to ensure that they are as financially aware as possible. If they want fancy stuff that costs more than we are willing to pay for: they pay the difference. If we buy something for them and it breaks: they pay for it to be repaired or they go without.

We have always told them that, if they didn't go to university or college after they had finished grade 12, they would have to get a job and contribute towards their living expenses. I have no intention of becoming a parent that allows their 30 year old child to live with them rent free. If they wished to escape a shitty relationship, we would assist them.

We put a fair amount of money into a family RESP (enough to pay tuition, books and living expenses for a first degree) and we told them that that was all we would contribute towards their education. If they decide to spend it all on alcohol and new vehicles: that is an issue for them but we will not contribute anything further to their education.

My oldest daughter has just started Uni, so we will see how that progresses. My son dropped out of his chef's course soon after it started, but he is actually working as a chef (a cook I guess) as I type this and lives with a number of his friends.

Interesting thread. Who'dve guessed that the most insightful contribution would come from dbd33!

Our kids are 5 & 8 so we are some ways off these concerns as yet. I'm a strong believer in everyone contributing in the family in terms of domestic chores etc and we're instilling that into them - despite the "I didn't make that mess" rows. We've not yet started giving them allowances but I don't think that day is far off for the eldest at least. From an early age we've tried to ensure they know that things cost money.

We'll fund their education through an RESP & I'm pretty much with AC as far as that is concerned. It's already a decent amount and should leave them well positioned once needed. From there, I think if they are working then paying their own way for stuff is important. Will we provide them rent free accomodation ad infinitum? No I don't think so but ask me again in 16 years time.

Of course it's not only bank of mum and dad, sometimes it's Sibling Financial.
An elder brother used to blow his wages on a Friday and Saturday night and borrow from me until next payday.

Years later younger brother was doing something similar but more complicated and frequently "unable to pay me back" yet, even though he kept going away for weekends or weeks.
Little has changed with him and I'm just finding out from both older brothers he may have a problem.

They are telling me he may be seeking another bail out from bank of mum/equity release and he's worked his way through a lot of cash.

So whatever you do as a parent, what works with one may not work for another of your own let alone someone else's

I have learnt my lesson about lending money to siblings. Never again. Unfortunately they will probably be in need of money when their interest only mortgage comes to an end in 10 years time.

My wage today is what my dad made in 1990 which is crazy considering how much housing is these days not to mention the cost of food and everything else.

My dad has a pension and retired at 58.

I'll never have a pension and certainly won't retire at 58 maybe 78 if I live that long.

Housing is to a point being homeless due to simply not being able to afford it is a strong possibility at this point and I work nearly full time some weeks more then.

Many times I wish I was born in my parents generation who certainly from my perspective had it much easier.

when i got my first job after leaving school i used to get paid 50GBP/Week of which i gave my mum 35 for keep money..mum made my tea washed my clothes and cleaned my room..my son who is 20 earns $3k a month gives me nothing not one cent..my daughter who lives with her mum and is 18 works full time also and pays her nothing either..both think its more important going out and spending money on clothes, phones and video games than contributing anything to mum & dad....

I take it you are OK with your son living with you and not giving anything to you?

Of course not..its the fact he has offered to pay esp before he started working..then never followed through

Time to put your foot down perhaps?

Try explaining - in writing - how much it would cost him to live in a rented apartment - rent, insurance, utilities, food - plus travelling and entertainment... or detail the running costs of the home you both live in - then ask him if he thinks it's reasonable or fair to expect you to be paying for everything and him nothing.

Sometimes kids just don't engage their brain, but when it's put down in black and white they realise they are being unfair and taking advantage... and cough up!

If that doesn't work, tell him you expect him to pay x amount a month, by direct transfer on a specific date.

My (adult) son can be a little tardy in paying his share of the mortgage and bills from time to time (we own a house jointly but he is living in it at the moment); when I tell him I can't afford to pay his part and that's it's unreasonable of him to expect me to, money magically appears in the account.. with a text apologising.