What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
Sep 16th 2017 | 2:13 pm
#32
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 1,339
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
I wasn’t very good at this regulation business. My children came and went between their Mother’s house and mine at will, when they turned up unscheduled we’d go to the pub for dinner. They had phones, I paid the bills without looking. I recall once suggesting some sort of financial constraint and that it caused a teenaged daughter to tear up her platinum Amex and throw the pieces at me. “Nose, face†I thought. They all had rooms at my house and used them for several years. I didn`t look in them until they each moved away. They were clean enough then.
All of my children achieved what we, their parents, hoped of them; all finished high school without being pregnant. I then paid for their tuition, one degree each. It was money well spent because they liked education and bought themselves more degrees. They have each stepped way beyond me in terms of professional achievements. Arguably, one being a lifeguard managing an Olympic pool and one being a sailing instructor, two of them had surpassed my achievements while still in high school.
I don`t say that one should be a dissolute parent, that access to a house of booze and weed is essential to a child`s growth. What I do say is that, as a parent one should try to convey certain core values ``don`t go out without a condom``. ``don`t smoke anything that didn`t grow in the ground``, ``if you don`t physically do it with a penis you can do it too`` and that the rest doesn`t matter. In ten years, if your child is successful, you`ll be happy, if your child is not, you won`t and having saved $10 or his or her phone bill won`t matter either way.
All of my children achieved what we, their parents, hoped of them; all finished high school without being pregnant. I then paid for their tuition, one degree each. It was money well spent because they liked education and bought themselves more degrees. They have each stepped way beyond me in terms of professional achievements. Arguably, one being a lifeguard managing an Olympic pool and one being a sailing instructor, two of them had surpassed my achievements while still in high school.
I don`t say that one should be a dissolute parent, that access to a house of booze and weed is essential to a child`s growth. What I do say is that, as a parent one should try to convey certain core values ``don`t go out without a condom``. ``don`t smoke anything that didn`t grow in the ground``, ``if you don`t physically do it with a penis you can do it too`` and that the rest doesn`t matter. In ten years, if your child is successful, you`ll be happy, if your child is not, you won`t and having saved $10 or his or her phone bill won`t matter either way.
Sep 16th 2017 | 2:28 pm
#33
limey party pooper
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 10,000
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
They are both working and buy their fancier clothing etc so they do contribute. If they make a mess in their bedrooms just leave it after all does untidyness really matter? Don't clean up in there at all just leave it to them how they want their room.
I'm curious about whether or you are the only cleaner-upper in your household because if you are and your kids don't see that it's part of everyone's life then it won't register as something they should be doing.
I have a friend whose kid was a spoilt little madam as far as house stuff, never cleaned up, made meals etc. Her mum used to say that adult life was shitty enough and that there was plenty of time in the future for responsibility. That kid turned out just fine, happy, successful, caring.
Dont sweat the small stuff. Tidiness isn't a virtue. If they are causing you to spend money that you can't afford then explain and cut them off.
I'm curious about whether or you are the only cleaner-upper in your household because if you are and your kids don't see that it's part of everyone's life then it won't register as something they should be doing.
I have a friend whose kid was a spoilt little madam as far as house stuff, never cleaned up, made meals etc. Her mum used to say that adult life was shitty enough and that there was plenty of time in the future for responsibility. That kid turned out just fine, happy, successful, caring.
Dont sweat the small stuff. Tidiness isn't a virtue. If they are causing you to spend money that you can't afford then explain and cut them off.
Sep 16th 2017 | 3:34 pm
#34
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 3,876
From: BC, Canada
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
I'm long past this .................. but from the age of about 4 my daughter received a small amount as pocket money, was then expected to keep her room tidy and to help with things such as laying the table for dinner, taking dirty dishes into the kitchen, and such little things.
If she didn't keep her room tidy, and there were too many toys, books and clothes lying on the floor, either OH or myself would lose patience, go in there and scoop up everything lying around and put it away for a period of time. I think the longest period was about 3 months!
Grandparents used to send a cheque for Christmas, and I woudl take her shopping in the week between Christmas and New Year from the age of about 6, she would then choose what she wanted to buy with her mon Christmas money ....... she learnt to shop carefully.
We never took any money from her towards housekeeping or the running of the house, until she wanted a landline of her own, ostensibly to get internet on her computer ...... I got the landline installed in my name as an extra phone line, but then she had to pay her own phone bill every month.
As she grew older, she got part-time jobs ..... baby sitting, working Saturdays in shops, summer jobs, etc. As she earned more money, she took over more responsibility for buying her own clothes, entertainment, etc.
She lived at home during the 4 years of her Bachelor's degree, we gave her an allowance, paid her food bills, and she worked summer jobs ..... I preferred to have her study and do university things during term time.
She moved into university residence for the 2 years of her Master's degree, and funded that herself with scholarships, teaching assistantships, and summer grants. We paid for her books.
When it came to marrying, she paid approximately half the cost of the wedding.
She is following a similar plan with her son ................. he has received a small allowance for the last couple of years, and has to do simple jobs, such as helping to clear the table, keep his room tidy. He can earn a little bit more money by doing other simple jobs. If he wants a special toy, he has to save up for it.
If she didn't keep her room tidy, and there were too many toys, books and clothes lying on the floor, either OH or myself would lose patience, go in there and scoop up everything lying around and put it away for a period of time. I think the longest period was about 3 months!
Grandparents used to send a cheque for Christmas, and I woudl take her shopping in the week between Christmas and New Year from the age of about 6, she would then choose what she wanted to buy with her mon Christmas money ....... she learnt to shop carefully.
We never took any money from her towards housekeeping or the running of the house, until she wanted a landline of her own, ostensibly to get internet on her computer ...... I got the landline installed in my name as an extra phone line, but then she had to pay her own phone bill every month.
As she grew older, she got part-time jobs ..... baby sitting, working Saturdays in shops, summer jobs, etc. As she earned more money, she took over more responsibility for buying her own clothes, entertainment, etc.
She lived at home during the 4 years of her Bachelor's degree, we gave her an allowance, paid her food bills, and she worked summer jobs ..... I preferred to have her study and do university things during term time.
She moved into university residence for the 2 years of her Master's degree, and funded that herself with scholarships, teaching assistantships, and summer grants. We paid for her books.
When it came to marrying, she paid approximately half the cost of the wedding.
She is following a similar plan with her son ................. he has received a small allowance for the last couple of years, and has to do simple jobs, such as helping to clear the table, keep his room tidy. He can earn a little bit more money by doing other simple jobs. If he wants a special toy, he has to save up for it.
Sep 16th 2017 | 7:49 pm
#35
Realist
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 24,667
From: UK
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
Having said that, the kids can be trained and taught to tidy up after themselves, and some are better at learning it than others. We all have our own degrees of tidiness anyway. I think the point is that if a parent is super tidy and the kid is not, to give a bit of latitude instead of building resentment. At least that's how I do it.
Last edited by Shard; Sep 16th 2017 at 7:52 pm.
Sep 16th 2017 | 8:03 pm
#36
Realist
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 24,667
From: UK
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
I met a young lady last year who was seven years old. She has $4 million in her bank account and mother has 200 million and the grandfather has several billion.
In the house there are a number of servants however the young lady in question makes her bed, tidies her room, washes the kitchen floor at weekends and works week end in a local mom and pop diner. Her work ethic is taught, she enjoys working, sure its a hobby and she cannot fear loss of work, and she will in time im sure become hollywood royalty, but she has humility beyond The average and she has been taught to value money.
In the house there are a number of servants however the young lady in question makes her bed, tidies her room, washes the kitchen floor at weekends and works week end in a local mom and pop diner. Her work ethic is taught, she enjoys working, sure its a hobby and she cannot fear loss of work, and she will in time im sure become hollywood royalty, but she has humility beyond The average and she has been taught to value money.
Sep 16th 2017 | 10:40 pm
#37
Realist
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 24,667
From: UK
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
Last edited by Shard; Sep 16th 2017 at 10:43 pm.
Sep 16th 2017 | 11:50 pm
#38
I still dont believe it..
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,787
From: 12 degrees north
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
Of course you can. To the established rich, being able to manage - to husband money is very important. The pressures on them are different, but we have all seen celebrity implosions that show some of the issues. Sure, the absolute value of a dollarpound is different for them, but most of their kids are nice caring people, not the popular image of brats with designer fetishes, spending a fortune on junk/booze/drugs and headed to britney spearsdom.
I'll give you an example. A 19 year old loves their 25 year old cadillac that grandad gave them to learn with, its serviced by the cadillac dealer who every year tries to sell them a new exotic ££££ car, but they like their old one. Last year, they had the interior replaced and the engine stripped and rebuilt, it cost more than a new replacement, but they cherish their car and the money in absolute terms is not terribly relevant compared with the family planes for example.
Sep 17th 2017 | 12:55 am
#39
Realist
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 24,667
From: UK
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
Tell that to the sage of omaha...
Of course you can. To the established rich, being able to manage - to husband money is very important. The pressures on them are different, but we have all seen celebrity implosions that show some of the issues. Sure, the absolute value of a dollarpound is different for them, but most of their kids are nice caring people, not the popular image of brats with designer fetishes, spending a fortune on junk/booze/drugs and headed to britney spearsdom.
I'll give you an example. A 19 year old loves their 25 year old cadillac that grandad gave them to learn with, its serviced by the cadillac dealer who every year tries to sell them a new exotic ££££ car, but they like their old one. Last year, they had the interior replaced and the engine stripped and rebuilt, it cost more than a new replacement, but they cherish their car and the money in absolute terms is not terribly relevant compared with the family planes for example.
Of course you can. To the established rich, being able to manage - to husband money is very important. The pressures on them are different, but we have all seen celebrity implosions that show some of the issues. Sure, the absolute value of a dollarpound is different for them, but most of their kids are nice caring people, not the popular image of brats with designer fetishes, spending a fortune on junk/booze/drugs and headed to britney spearsdom.
I'll give you an example. A 19 year old loves their 25 year old cadillac that grandad gave them to learn with, its serviced by the cadillac dealer who every year tries to sell them a new exotic ££££ car, but they like their old one. Last year, they had the interior replaced and the engine stripped and rebuilt, it cost more than a new replacement, but they cherish their car and the money in absolute terms is not terribly relevant compared with the family planes for example.
Sep 17th 2017 | 1:29 am
#40
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,232
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
No, not really. We're the adults, it's our responsibilty to maintain the household. They'ed be times when you might do a project together, like put a shed up, install a new sail on a boat, go shopping with you to help choose weird Anuty Cheryl's wedding present but apart from stuff like washing off their wellies when they've come home from a music festival, cleaning their eclectic toothbrush or takin the dog out to do it's business while you're trying to wrestle a Thanksgiving turkey into the oven, then no.
Sep 17th 2017 | 1:34 am
#41
BE user by choice
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,854
From: A Briton, married to a Canadian, now in Fredericton.
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
Yes, this is a difficult one, and I too would like to be dbd33's sprog in a future life.
If you feel resentful towards your children then something is wrong. I have occasionally felt resentful towards both my son and husband, as they both seem to drop things exactly where they take them off, so I explode
for a short moment and then try calmly to explain why I'm not putting up with it, and it gets better...for a bit...
I have never paid my 16 yo to help in the house, we are a family. He shovels snow, with us, and cuts the lawn and strims on his own. He fills and empties the dishwasher, does the cat litter and walks the dog, yes, I do have to 'remind' him. He doesn't get an allowance but if he's going out with friends I will give him $20. We buy everything he needs or asks for and the requests haven't been unreasonable.
He is an Air Cadet, is in the drill and Bi-Athon teams with them and in track and field and cross country at school, so he doesn't have a job, as he doesn't have a lot of spare time and I don't want him to have one. His academic marks are very important and while they remain good I won't moan, when they slip I will. He isn't very economically savvy, but I think that will come in time, he is, for all his macho moves, just a 16 yo kid.
Do I wish he did more...you betcha
, but he is pleasant and funny and kind, and sometimes moody and sulky...like every teenager and we muddle along nicely and respect and support each other and I'll settle for that.
If you feel resentful towards your children then something is wrong. I have occasionally felt resentful towards both my son and husband, as they both seem to drop things exactly where they take them off, so I explode
for a short moment and then try calmly to explain why I'm not putting up with it, and it gets better...for a bit...I have never paid my 16 yo to help in the house, we are a family. He shovels snow, with us, and cuts the lawn and strims on his own. He fills and empties the dishwasher, does the cat litter and walks the dog, yes, I do have to 'remind' him. He doesn't get an allowance but if he's going out with friends I will give him $20. We buy everything he needs or asks for and the requests haven't been unreasonable.
He is an Air Cadet, is in the drill and Bi-Athon teams with them and in track and field and cross country at school, so he doesn't have a job, as he doesn't have a lot of spare time and I don't want him to have one. His academic marks are very important and while they remain good I won't moan, when they slip I will. He isn't very economically savvy, but I think that will come in time, he is, for all his macho moves, just a 16 yo kid.
Do I wish he did more...you betcha
, but he is pleasant and funny and kind, and sometimes moody and sulky...like every teenager and we muddle along nicely and respect and support each other and I'll settle for that.
Sep 17th 2017 | 2:57 am
#42
Thread Starter
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,282
From: British Columbia
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
I think we are generally way too generous with our (older) kids . I don't necessarily mean financially: I mean in what we expect them to manage. Their brains may not be fully formed till they're 25 but ... If they can manage to look wonderful and immaculate before going out with their friends (as mine can) then they can work out how to tidy their rooms.
Shard I liked the Reddit pic!
Shard I liked the Reddit pic!
Sep 17th 2017 | 4:21 am
#43
Tea Drinker
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 5,387
From: Kamloops, BC
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
Because their brains are not fully formed yet. Not till 25, according to recent research. So being tidy is simply not relevant to a child in the way it is to an adult. That's the reason!
Having said that, the kids can be trained and taught to tidy up after themselves, and some are better at learning it than others. We all have our own degrees of tidiness anyway. I think the point is that if a parent is super tidy and the kid is not, to give a bit of latitude instead of building resentment. At least that's how I do it.
Having said that, the kids can be trained and taught to tidy up after themselves, and some are better at learning it than others. We all have our own degrees of tidiness anyway. I think the point is that if a parent is super tidy and the kid is not, to give a bit of latitude instead of building resentment. At least that's how I do it.
Sep 17th 2017 | 4:24 am
#44
.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 20,188
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
Sep 17th 2017 | 4:30 am
#45
Born again atheist
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 30,259
From: Europe (to be specified).
Re: What do you expect your "Children" to do/pay for?
No, not really. We're the adults, it's our responsibilty to maintain the household. They'ed be times when you might do a project together, like put a shed up, install a new sail on a boat, go shopping with you to help choose weird Anuty Cheryl's wedding present but apart from stuff like washing off their wellies when they've come home from a music festival, cleaning their eclectic toothbrush or takin the dog out to do it's business while you're trying to wrestle a Thanksgiving turkey into the oven, then no.
However on the general thread issue, it helps to realise that kids these days don't start to grow up until they hit 30 (and only then if you're lucky).
