scrubbedexpat091

Those with kids especially adult kids, do you have a favorite child?

I ask because my wife and her family create so much drama, and I don't even know if its normal behavior or not...

Wife feels left out of the family because she is treated like a 2nd class citizen, we believe its because she is bipolar, and thus has brought shame to the family.

Her mom is a compulsively lies to my wife, telling my wife what her mom thinks wife wants to hear to get a subject dropped.

Her brother is quite clearly considered above my wife. Her mom always is always telling my wife how hard her brother works, how much help her brother needs, and so on.

This same brother is married to a lawyer, and has bought 20 acres of ocean front land, and is building a house on it.

Brother makes no effort to visit or talk to the mom, he allows her to visit once or twice a year for a weekend.

Wife is expected to drop life to do anything mom needs, including dropping out of college 10 years ago when mom had a brain bleed and took months to recover from it.

Brother came to visit 1 time during that time.

Wife has always been concerned her brother takes advantage of her mom for his financial well being.

It came to wife's knowledge last week that in 2015, 2 months after our wedding, brother obtained ownership of the moms house.

Its unclear how, as her mom claims she did not sell it or give it to him, but this is likely a lie.

This explains how brother paid for wedding and bought the land and is building the house.


Normally I don't think parents have favorites, but really in this case I quite think her mom either does have a favorite or her brother is very good at convincing the mom to do things to his advantage.

Needless to say wife has been very upset since learning of this last week, and now with the constant lie from her mom and a new story everyday, wife is really feeling hurt and back stabbed.

House had a very small mortgage left on it, we think he paid the mortgage off, and then used the houses equity or collateral or something in order to get the funds to pay for the wedding, and buy the 20 acres and building the house on it.


I have to give props to my wife, she is a lot calmer about all this then I would be, but she is most certainly very hurt.


I am doing my best to just support my wife but other then listening, not sure what else I can do to help her feel better, I guess only time can heal this sort of thing? Or maybe this sort of thing can't be healed?

Shirtback

That all sounds very complicated. I'm sorry you have this adding to your existing stress .

To answer your opening question: no. I operate on a belief that each has different needs, each has different abilities, I love 'em all. I do *treat* them differently according to their needs & abilities.

Your wife's POV may be attributable to her illness. Ditto description of MIL's attitude.

May I say/suggest that you (&/or your wife) may not have all the details of whatever property transactions may or may not have occurred, and it's best to stay out of any speculation/guessing?

If you must get involved, It's quite easy to look up property transactions/ownership on the Internet.

scrubbedexpat091

I am trying my best to stay out of it. My wife is having trouble just dropping the topic though. Suppose I could see why as wife wants a house, and brother now has one, and all that, but I am doing my best to try and convince her to just try and forget about it all.

BEVS

TBH It sounds like normal family stuff to me. I could tell you some hair raising tales of my own family . Stuff that would really make your toes curl.

Best not to get embroiled in matters which you have no control over & where you cannot know what the assorted truths are. For each persons truth may differ from the next person according to their own PoV.

Yes. Your wife sounds hurt and upset. All you can do is to listen & comfort.

I decided long ago that my parents loved me , my sister and my brother equally but in very differing ways. I came to see we were treated as the individuals we are & that it did me no good at all to consider what my siblings did or did not do or have, nor my perception of how my parents treated them as opposed to me. I should concern myself only with me & doing right by my family and my own parents.

Best suggestion. Step right back and move away. Comfort wife and allow her to express herself. If wife is feeling hard done by , then she could try to express that to her own mother. If wife feels she is put upon by her own mother , then that answer is simple. She curtails her time. End of.

Do not get caught up in this for it will only bring a whole lot of angst down on all involved.

BristolUK

What others have said and try to be more positive about how you are going to do it properly for your own kids.

Both of my stepkids can annoy me equally.

Shirtback

Multiple pluses to what Bevs & Bristol said.

scrubbedexpat091

If we have kids it will only be 1 kid, so no need to spread the love....

I think my wife has a bit of jealousy as well which is compounding things. Her brother had his college paid for in full by the mom, where my wife had to take out loans to go, we have to rent, and he has 20 acres. She can be a bit jealous at times.

The mom and brother are very interesting people.

BEVS

I'm not sure why you are telling us this as this is your wife's personal business , not ours.

If it helps. My parents paid for my younger sister to go to college from school. They paid for my younger brother to have his first motorbike & car . Me? I was found a job in an office straight from school leaving age. No college for me even though I did have aspirations. My Mother found the work for me. I started in my school uniform & gave my parents my wages .

Really. It is no biggy. I'm a grown up now and have been for a long time. I've made my own way in my life . My siblings have done the same. If I had wanted answers to my parents decision making over the years, I would have asked them direct. The best thing I ever understood was that I am responsible for me. I make my life what it is . No-one else. The other great thing I learnt was how much I loved my parents & that they loved me. None of it had anything to do with material gains or loss.

Shirtback

My siblings & I received different amounts & types of financial (& other) support, at different times of our lives, from our parents.

Ditto my children sometimes.

Abilities, needs, circumstances, etc.

Jealousy, or sibling rivalry, is best addressed directly by your wife to her family members &/or a therapist.

dbd33

Do you have a favourite finger, a favourite leg, a favourite testicle?

Probably not, and so it goes with children.

Stinkypup

Left

BristolUK

The one that's like a kiwi fruit.

caretaker

Boy are you guys ever going to feel silly if you find he's building a place for you too and it's supposed to be a surprise! You have a good grip on it Jsmith, when she dwells on it maybe do something together, or work on planning a holiday to reinforce that you have your own lives.

moneypenny20

Some do some don't. My sister insists she was not as loved as me and my brother. From our point of view she was most definitely the favoured child. As for your wife's situation, in all honesty it's not your concern. Your wife is obviously but the situation is one that neither you nor she have any control over so you have to try (hard given the bi polar/health issues) and ignore it.

Families are shit, some are loving and caring to all members but most are shit to other family members because they know they can get away with it. Enjoy your family, that is you and your wife. Any behaviour outside your unit of two is irrelevant.

Oink

Unless there's substantial pecuniary gain who cares what your parents think of you or treat you. Being an adult is being an adult. Just tell them to be nice or naff off.