The pain of parting
 

Hi All
I am new to posting on this forum. It is actually my daughter who is moving to Canada but she has found great help from you people on this site.
This must be the worst day of my life as she just left this morning and has left behind a lot of broken hearts, she was so well loved by all the family and is such a brilliant girl I honestly don't know what I will do without her. There were many tears shed and I'm sure they are far from dried up yet. I am her mother and it does almost feel like a death to me. Could someone please help me to get through this terrible time.

Re: The pain of parting
 

Hiya there
I understand how you feel and hopefully as time moves on it won't feel so bad. I've had the same situation but in reverse, I'm the one who left for Canada but my son decided to stay in the UK to join the British Army.Not an easy thing to deal with but I suppose we have to let go at some stage and let them spread their wings.At least keeping in touch is easy and there are visits to look forward to.
You'll feel a bit better in a while once you get used to it.
Cheer up.:)

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Try to think more positively about it all... you raised a daughter who feels confident enough to go grab life. :thumbup:

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Just think of all the fab holidays!

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Hi Katmandu and welcome.

We understand your pain! We have lived in Canada for 8 months now, and we use "Skype" to talk to my husband's parents every weekend - it is great to see them, and for them to see us and our girls on the webcam.

I say we talk to his parents. We talk to his dad really. His mum can't come on the webcam without getting upset and in tears, so then she can't talk. I truly empathise, but it does make by husband feel really bad, each time. She is fine if it's a chat by telephone because I think she just visualises us up the road at our old house. But as soon as she sees him on camera, in a 'strange' house, she wells up.

What to suggest? I don't know. Of course you will miss your daughter, terribly. But you can be proud of her too for having a go at such a big adventurous thing - and you helped her become that person, so you can be proud of yourself too :)

Are you 'technically' minded? You obviously have a computer and you found us lot OK (though whether that is a blessing is debatable! :p ). Do you have or use a webcam ? ("Skype" is a very popular system). If necessary, can someone else help you set up something like this? It's well worth it.

And finally, are you fit to travel? If so, get plotting :lol:
This is a great country with the most outstanding natural beauty anywhere in the world. You could not fail to have a lovely holiday here. Give your daughter 6 months to settle in and ask her what dates in the summer are suitable for your first visit!

Very best wishes :thumbup: and come back and chat with us all soon

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i am the youngest of 5 and dread that goodbye off my mum. As a daughter who is always there for her, we phone everyday, we see each other at least twice a week, i do worry about how she will take it. We talk about the move alot, how excited i am and the worries, and she takes it all in her stride, just the one time when she said "i dont think i will last long after your gone" :ohmy: really shook me, but as i explaided to her i want her to be proud of me and my family, she knows why we are going, for a better life for our kids, and want here to be happy. I carnt wait to show everything off to her when she comes over, also there are 4 others to take care of her including my lovely sister (in my photo) We have to live our own lifes and take some chances , :) so be happy, my mums getting internet put in next week, ive shown her how it all works she will get the hang of it!

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My heart goes out to you . When I left my Mum many years ago to come to Canada, I think my heart was iron-clad, so as to feel little pain and not to feel hers. But everyone said we'd be back in six months anyway. It was a long time later that I realised how my Mum felt that day, and my heart broke.

I spent years trying to make it up to her (she never complained), but one consolation was all the quality time we had together when we went for visits, and when she came here. I believe, in the end, we were closer and had a stronger bond than she had with my brother and sister, who live in the UK. We really had great times, and wonderful memories for me to look back on now that she is gone. My brother and sister don't have any of that, and are very surprised about so many things they didn't know about her. And yet we were so many miles apart. All in all, I think I saw more of her than they did.

So, start planning for those holidays. My Mum had never gone anywhere in her life but she came to Vancouver all on her own, several times. And she was terrified of flying. And start looking forward to your daughter's trips back to see you. You will have a wonderful time. She won't just be popping in for a few minutes here and there, and maybe resenting the time. She'll be really looking forward to seeing you, and you will have great times together.

Good luck, and let us know how things go.

Re: The pain of parting
 

I have to thank you all for being so kind with such comforting words. Now I know why my daughter spent so much time communicating on BE!
All your replies have helped me so much. I know it is going to be difficult for a while but we are already planning to go and visit them in SK in the summer if all is well.
Big problem is that my husband was very ill about 14 months ago and has been left with a few health problems including impaired kidney function and it may be difficult getting health insurance, I would be most grateful if anyone has any knowledge in this area.
To let you know how I have progressed throughout the day since my beloved daughter and son-in-law have departed. I have been having intermittent periods of uncontrolable crying, in the a/noon discovered a text from my daughter, just as they set sail from Ireland, in which she said she hadn't stopped crying and wanted to come home so please spare a thought for her also as she was completely broken when leaving.
I have been kept busy throughout the day with my two wee grandchildren which has helped and my son-in-law's parents are coming to visit tonight. Also I have been consoling myself with the fact that we could be dealing with a death of serious illness which would be lots worse. It's just the pain of parting which is hurting so much and it is probably because my daughter and I are so close - one could not have asked for a better daughter in the world and I will most certainly miss seeing her nearly every day of the week. Off course as one of you said I should be proud that she is able to take this BIG step.
One of my biggest worries is how they will cope with the snow and cold in Saskatchewan, any comments on that will be welcome also.

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Hi Ann m
Thankyou for your kind words and advice.
My son-in-law set up a webcam for us last week but now the speakers wont work on our PC so will have to get that fixed asap. You say you have Skype - do you think it is better than communicating through MSM and webcam. I'm not very technically minded and these things confuse me lots.
Do you like living in Alberta - would you ever come back to the UK?

Re: The pain of parting
 

Hi Katmandu and welcome to BE. I dont have much to offer but I just want you to know that you sound like a terrific mother. It will get easier, just give yourself some time.

Also, I noticed that you wrote .. she WAS so well loved by the family.. she was and still IS loved by you and your family. Dont view this as a death but as a new beginning .

I hope you cheer up soon and I am glad to read that you kept yourself busy today.

Take care!

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Hi there Katmandu - sorry you're going through such sadness at the moment. Let the tears flow if you need to - you are going through a big change - so you are allowed to be sad. :(

When I miss people from home, I think about it in terms of how quickly can I get back if I need to. Flight booking aside ;) here in Alberta, I'm only 13 hours away from my mum in Portsmouth - thats just over half a day - that's all! It takes almost as long as that for her to drive up to visit my sister in Reading, visit for a few hours and then drive back because of all the traffic jams!

I know realistically air travel takes longer than the actual flight, but thinking of it in these terms is quite comforting I think... :D But, seriously, if you really need each other, you can be back in each other's arms in 24 hrs.

Also, using skype (I think better than Messenger) plus a camera is great too - makes you feel real close. Often the link is clearer this way than talking on a normal telephone line which quite often get lots of interference on a long-distance call (at least ours does!).

Don't worry about the cold either. The dry cold of the prairies is nothing like the wet and windy beach at Bognor or Worthing or Blackpool or Dublin.

Walking along those sometimes used to freeze my ears off - I've yet to feel that cold here. The snow is like powder and usually comes in managable amounts - not like in the East where it seems to be coming in mountains this year. As long as she dresses warmly - she'll be fine. :)

Take care of yourself - its great that you have your grandchildren to dote on - a tonic Im sure. :thumbsup:

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I understand your pain in parting; I only think the depth of it all sinks in when you actually wave goodbye.

We are terribly torn, we have been here five weeks, leaving just before Christmas. Hubbys has left his mum, who is on her own and his eldest son and I left my mum and my eldest son and a grand-daughter. Plus lots of other relatives with whom we were very close. We brought with us four children, two of which has left siblings to their other parent. We do feel like we have ripped our family apart.

We speak on the phone, skyp and msn daily, but it does feel like grieving.

So cry when you need to, dont bottle it up and look forward to seeing them and watch how separation can make people grow.

Re: The pain of parting
 

Hi and welcome to BE so sorry you are so sad, i am sure your daughter is feeling the same, I will be leaving my mum this year they won't be able to visit and i know my dad won't be around too much longer, but he wants us to go for it, he is an amasing man, i know my mum will break her heart and i feel awful for doing this to her, we are taking our youngest son and leaving the older ones here although they may join us later and will be over for holidays so i will have it as a daughter and a mother,

If the pain becomes too much book a flight,having a time to look forward to will help also start stocking up on all the things she loves like real choc, marmite Oxo etc etc just guessing here, as Ladymoose said its not that far a day and your there. get talking on Skype we are setting it up for my mum and dad will probably talk more than now i expect,

have a good cry and feel proud of yourself for letting her go and try this adventure out, my mil is trying to stop us from going and that is very upsetting,

give yourself a big pat on the back it shows you are a caring mum she must be very proud of you both,:wub:

Re: The pain of parting
 

Thankyou again to one and all- you are so kind to take time to help me in this "grieving process". Every word has been an inspiration.
Spoke to my daughter on mobile tonight (they will not leave Manchester until Saturday morning) and it has helped me a little to hear her voice but she is very emotional and says would even come back home at this stage if it were possible, so am anxious for her that she will be ok. It's strange as she was so strong all through the immigration process and at times we thought she couldn't wait to get away.
They are taking their two wee dogs with them and she is anxious in case something happens to them. That would be terrible.
It was only last April that my daughter and hubby started to talk about going to Canada so it has all happened very quickly as hubby got a job in Regina which sped the process up a lot. So maybe you can understand why I am so emotional as I thought it would not come to pass for a couple of years or so.

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I don't suppose you would really find it any easier if it had taken longer .... but maybe you could have chosen not to look at it for a while. :unsure:

I know we broke my MIL's heart when we left. It's so hard for her, that I really try not to think about it, because we chose the future for our kids over her needs, I know we did.
She is elderly and alone now, but if we had waited "until she no longer needed us", it would have been too late for us to move, for sure. I am tearing up just thinking about it. Our two boys are doing wonderfully out here, and the whole family is close and strong in a way that didn't seem possible back in the UK. For them, and for us, it is the best thing we have ever done.

My own parents were also terribly sad to see us go, but at least they have eachother and my 3 brothers as well as us in the family. They are happy for us that we are making such a success of our new lives here and constantly tell us so. (They also can't wait until I can come back and visit!)
Poor old MIL decided that it was "goodbye for ever" when we left. She is often quite teary when hubby talks to her on the phone, and would not think of coming out to see us as "it would break her heart all over again when it came to say goodbye once more"

We haven't yet had the heart-break and worry of sickness or bereavement, but obviously that will come. It is something we do not think about, or we really would feel bad all the time!

A heartfelt plea: However you are feeling inside, from the selfish daughter's point of view, I'd ask you to stay outwardly positive for your own daughter; encourage her and praise her in her new venture, and try not to make her feel guilty for leaving you. This whole process is difficult enough without tugging on the heartstrings from home.

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Hi Katmandu

Thank you for posting these wonderful thoughts of your daughter - I now understand what my mom went through when I left for Alberta in August last year.

Things will get better for you over the next few weeks and whether you had a fab or bad relationship with your daughter (and I am not saying that you have a bad one :o) you will see how much your relationship blossoms and how much more quality conversations you will have with each other - instead of just phoning for a moan or talking drivel like me and my mom used to.

Keep ya pecker up as they say in Manchester and take it easy - you will be able to tell how your daughter is just by the sound of her voice when she calls you.

love to you

Gaynor
x

PS - Are you Alvic's mom ???

Re: The pain of parting
 

When I read the post I wondered the same, I'm sure she has worried about leaving you as much as you are worrying about her.

I'm not there yet, and we're doing kind of the opposite by leaving our kids here:eek:

When you get that first phone call, the tears will flow from both of you, as somebody said you should be proud of your achievement.
Your daughter is an independent, adventurous spirit, which you have created.

Take care:wub:

Rosie

Re: The pain of parting
 

Hi there, I can understand how you are feeling. My son ,daughter in law and my two grandchildren aged 3 and 5 are heading for Saskatoon end of February. I have spells already when I could just burst into tears god knows what I will be like when they go. However I try to keep up by thinking it wont be long until May when we are planning our first visit. We really want them to go as my son has a good job as a heavy plant mechanic and their lifestyle will be so much better than here. But like yourself just not seeing them every other day will be terrible. We have set up Skype so that will be one good thing.

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Look on the bright side you have now adopted all of us ;)

i don't mean that to be rude i know it will hurt and i will hurt when i say goodbye to my older children,my parents friends and family,
i mean when you are feeling low come on here and you will get lots of support :wub: and a big hug take care both of you

Re: The pain of parting
 

All you dear people have helped me enormously and yes my daughter is "Alvic", God bless her and Hubby, they are in an hotel in Manchester tonight with their two wee dogs and will fly off to Calgary tomorrow afternoon, the dogs will go into kennels for two nights and daughter and hubby stay overnight in Calgary and fly on to Regina on Sunday morning. Almost four days of travelling so spare a thought for them too.
I took her wee fleece which she had been wearing to bed last night and it was like a comforter.
Still have bouts of tears and sore throat from crying but as I have said you lot have given me great support- it's strange how you all seem to be friends to me after one day and to be honest I didn't think I would get this response at all. (In fact I didn't think anyone would reply) How wrong I was!! You are all so sympathetic and kind.
Was talking to my daughter a few minutes ago and she couldn't sing your praises high enough - said she could not have done it all without your support.
So again many thanks and hugs to you all and good night for now

Re: The pain of parting
 

Hi again,

Good to hear 'alvic' and her Other Half (OH) and dogs, are on their way and you've already spoken to her :thumbsup:

Now its time for you to start planning your visit, :sneaky: they can't get rid of you that easy :rofl:

Take care
Rosie

Re: The pain of parting
 

Thanks Rosie
They have finally arrived after a long four days. I have not spoken to them as they couldn't get through to my house phone and their cell phones won't work in SK! But my other daughter received a call to say they have been to their house and are off to buy some essentials...only have a bed in house so will be a bit empty for a while.
Yesterday was a bad day for me as it was the day they finally left the UK (left N.Ireland on Thursday) which made it really sink in that they are gone. I do feel better at times and then the tears come again ...guess it will be like this for a while.:(
As you say the next thing is to get a trip booked out there and that will be something to look forward to.
Feel sorry for my other daughter as she has two very young children and just bought a house which needs some work done to it, therefore thinks it will be a long time before she sees her sister again and is really very distressed about it, also hubby not taking it so good.....have to get the webcam up and running asap.:thumbup:

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Hi there, yes you sound heartbroken and it does take time to deal with things..My mother died a few weeks ago in the UK and i have been in Canada for the last 20 years, her biggest regret was that she never got around to visiting very often, so as soon as you can book your first trip out and visit with her, when I used to call home my mum couldnt relate to anything I was chatting about so we just resorted to small talk, take an interest in where your daughter lives and friends etc when you get there and beleive me you will have a solid base for many more years of togetherness....dont forget Webcams and Skype calls also help but nothing beats a good old fashioned letter in the mail...I used to tuck mine away and re read it when I was feeling blue...
my thoughts are with you
JS

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Its good to hear they arrived safe :thumbsup:
Are your hubby and daughter reading these posts ? It may help a little but the post from JSHalifax, IMO, is good advice, make sure you've got a webcam and skype!

Rosie

Re: The pain of parting
 

My mum wasn't too happy about me moving all the way to Canada, but she slowly got used to the idea through the processing time. (No work offer for me, so a good two years. :))

She came to visit for the first time last spring, after I had been here for 15 months, and when she left, she said it now was easier for her to understand why I love it here, as she had got to meet my friends here, see where and how I live, and experience a bit of life in Canada.

So my advice is, book a holiday to go see your daughter, and familiarise yourself with her life as it is now, and not how it used to be before she moved. (It'll also give you something to look forward to, and ease the pain a wee bit...)

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Hi Katmadu, I'm glad my adopted daughter and her husband arrived in one piece :rofl:. Once they've settled tell her I'll pop over. I sent her my phone numbers today but am not sure if they've got a computer system to set up. I'll pm you my numbers for you to let them know in case they need anything. It'll be nice to meet you soon, Al said you had already booked your seats :rofl:.

We have our first visits in July, Mal's sister and bil are coming over. We have left behind my mother who will be 80 in March, our daugher and two grandchilren and our son. I have some bad days but know that they will be coming over soon, we also use msn and skype to keep in touch. We have sasktel and the price of phone calls is not too bad so I ring on a proper phone weekly as my mother doesn't do techi stuff :eek::rofl: I've just bought her a computerised photo frame for her birthday and am busy filling it with photos, that'll throw her off she won't have a clue what to do with it :rofl:

Take care :thumbsup:

Lorna

Re: The pain of parting
 

My experiences are the same as the poster (I forget who) who said they came here many years ago.

We came here about 40 years ago. I think things were very different back then. I had moved out of home when I was about 18 and lived with friends. I moved to various places from Croydon to Richmond to Earl's Court. I did move back home for a while and then moved out again and then moved back again and I got married and lived near my parents, but I think I was very independent. My younger sister did the same thing and she moved to Vancouver a couple of years after we moved to Saskatchewan.

I got along very well with my parents. But they were also very independent. My Dad was a big wheel in the Lions Club and they travelled all over the world going to conventions.

When I said I was coming to Canada they bought me a sheepskin coat. We never shed a tear - we all regarded it as a big adventure. But then I think that was the kind of family we were.

Everyone is different.

So when I moved here, my Mom and Dad used to come over every year. After my Dad died more than 20 years ago, my Mom still visited. One year she came for six months and stayed 3 months with me and 3 months with my sister. She did all my ironing and cooking for me - it was like having a maid.

And this was in the days before computers and web cams and when long distance was too expensive, so we more or less stayed in touch by letters sent by snail mail.

She used to come over every year until she was about 84. Then health insurance was almost impossible to get and about that time she had a mild heart attack and was really not well enough to travel on her own. She is 92 now and still going reasonably strongly.

I have two sons. If one of them decided to move far away, I wouldn't be too happy about it. But, being the kind of family we are, I would not rant and cry and make them feel guilty about the decision they had made. I would encourage them and keep in touch by phone and computer and visits. I suppose people won't like what I have to say, but I will say it anyway. Making a fuss and telling them how they are ruining your life and making them feel guilty for doing what they feel is right - to me I think its really selfish. I would probably try to persuade them not to go, but once I saw they were committed I would be helpful and encouraging.

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Good morning one and all
Yes it is a great relief to know Ali and hubby have arrived safe and sound and today will complete their wee family when they get their wee dogs.
I dreamt last night that I was out shopping with her in SK for curtain fabric so was nice to hear her voice and see her even in my dreams. Also am looking forward to speaking to them on phone later today.
I have a pic of their new home on my pc background and it all seems so real now to know they are inside it. They got through immigration no bother which was also a great relief.
Their realtor, Virginia and hubby has been a real angel in getting everything ready for them and had their house nice and toastie warm. Don't think you would get and estate agent back here who would do such a thing. They will need to get out now and buy some basics for the house (and some more warm clothing!), which will keep them occupied.
I can't wait till they get a computer not only so as we can communicate via webcam but also so that Ali can get back to communicating with all you wonderful people. I will repeat again how much you have helped in understanding how I felt in parting with my beloved daughter.
Lorna D I have PM'd you.

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What a lovely thread, BE really works sometimes. I'll try to get karma all round.:thumbup:

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You didn't tell us we had a sister :rofl: lovely post your such a sweetie :wub:

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Aww you're such a sweet child, :wub: I did a good job bringing you up didn't I :rofl:

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How are you today, Katmandu? I've thought of you often since I read your first post. I was going to write you last night, but couldn't see the keyboard for tears....we (OH) left our lovely daughter and my family behind when we returned to Canada a few years ago, and yes, it is like a bereavement. Sometimes it is almost a real physical pain. You will have good days and bad days; you may even have a run of good ones, then out of the blue the fact of being so far apart will hit you like a cold slap. It is hard to deal with at times, so take each day at a time, plan that trip to see them.
My parents are in their later 80's and too frail to make the trip, but they are both on the internet (!!!) and we communicate most days, which does help.
Let's hope Ali & hubby get their computer soon.
All the best to you :) Karma sent for being so brave

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Thankyou for being so kind and understanding of my feelings which are just as you described.
I have just spoken to Ali a few minutes ago and feel lots better now after hearing her voice. I know it will just be as you said - good days and bad days and even though the heart feels like it has suffered a bereavement, just talking on the phone there now makes me realise it is not and as someone else already posted "taking one day at a time "I think is VERY good advice.
Your parents must be wonderful people to be on the internet at their age. Also being able to communicate so easily when they get their phone connected and also get their pc will be a great help.
I must say I am looking forward to pics of inside their new home and hearing about all the wee bits and pieces they will be buying for it.
Thanks again oldbag (sounds like a bad name to call you but then I don't know how on earth I picked "Katmandu"!!)

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You sound more cheerful tonight Katmandu...keep smiling!

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Hi Katmandu!
I'll bet you feel better now you've spoken to your daughter; you do sound more cheerful.
Yes, my parents are great. My mum (87 this Saturday!) fought against going "online" for the longest time, but when I was over visiting last year I persuaded her to try it.......now she's hooked, so instead of posting a long typewritten letter every few weeks, she e-mails me a couple of times a week; I'm so proud of her as she's just not technically minded at all. I think you'll find a huge difference once your daughter is online again.......it's so immediate you often don't feel that far away. It's the time difference that often gets to me.............having to remember those five hours when you want to make a call.
I also have a photo of my daughter on my desktop.....and say Goodnight when I shut my laptop down! I'll let you in on a secret...... I can't delete any of the e-mails my daughter sends me! How sad is that!

"Oldbag" comes from my old work friends in England who used to refer to me as the "oldbag sitting in the corner".... strangely enough it was meant as a term of endearment....or so they said ;)

Keep safe, keep smiling :)

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I was told today about Alvic's mom and I have to say.I have never shed so many tears as I have reading the posts on here,you know GAY and so many others were right.on here you have a family you can moan and grumble but everyone is here for you and reading this post has just proven that.so many of us have yet to go leaving family behind and my worse is leaving my mom.I wish Katmandu and Alvic all the best in the world and anyone else out there who is leaving family behind.

kate

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Hi to all my new friends - you are probably wondering where I've disappeared to but I came down with the flu and then put my back out so have not been in good shape for a few days.
I have to tell you all that we have just booked to go to Canada in June, that is my daughters mil and fil , hubby and myself! Needless to say we are all so excited and just hope the two men's health keeps up.
Alvic and hubby have bought a computer and hope to get their phone line, broadband etc sorted by next week so that will make a HUGE difference:thumbsup:, as we can only communicate when they can find a phone indoors somewhere at present and as someone said the time difference will take a bit of getting used to. I will have to refrain from ringing first thing in the morning:eek:
I am feeling lots better now and not crying as much...although sometimes I would just love to see their faces and no doubt when we get the webcam going this should help as long as I am not like whoever it was that said their mil went to pieces when on the webcam! Will have to wait to see what the reaction is on both sides of the pond!
I have some pics of their house (covered in snow) displayed in our kitchen and when we are sitting at the table I just look at them and imagine them inside or the wee dogs running around outside in the snow.
Again I would like to tell you all what a great bunch of people you are - words cannot express my appreciation of all the lovely words you have spoken to me - I am so glad I joined the expat forum as I don't know how I would have gotten through those first terrible sad days when I felt the soul being torn from me. Thank you all so much for taking the time and I will keep in touch.:thumbsup:

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HI KATMANDU ive just read your posts and it really made me fill up we too are heading from northern ireland to Calgary hope fully March and yes im really lookin forward to it ,but iwill be leaving my Mum behind and it is breaking my heart .I also have sisters who will both be here for my Mum and i do know she will be okay but ive just read all your posts and i just thought she will be feelin like you i just wish my goodbyes were over cos im really dreading them

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Hi Katmandu, Did wonder how you were doing, sorry you haven't been well, stress and upset does that to people, Great news about your trip in June, the time will pass very quickly, you will need an extra case for all the choc and goodies to take, Pleased you can look at the photos and imagine them there in the snow, and not bursting into tears every time, thats a posative step for you, once you have been for your holiday you will understand more about where and how they live so will hopefully feel closer again, hope everyones health stays good :D

My mum phoned last night and told me she is having nightmares about us going, i am sure it is going to get tough for us all and sometimes i feel really guilty for leaving them, Dad says to go for it bless him, I am so pleased you have found some comfort in this forum with all your new friends and because of the time difference ( morning calls haha ) you will always find a shoulder and quite often a laugh on here, God bless, look after yourself and have a little smile when you look at the photos, you will soon be there :wub:

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Thanks for posting you thougts and feelings about your daughter, I am one of the selfish ones that is leaving soon and you have helped me to understand what my nearest and dearest will be feeling.

I'll miss all my family and friends but we need to do this, we do worry that something will happen but we think at least we are only a flight away. Hopefully our family will visit as soon as you do, my FIL has said he won't come:eek:.

Sharon