I can use some of your support right now
 

I haven't been on here for a while, and the reason is because I have been going through a separation

I told my soon to be ex last July that it seems we are not working towards a common goal, and that am not happy. I suggested and initiated mediation in order to make the whole process less stressful. She agreed to mediation and we had a few sessions discussing the sale of the house, division of household items etc

I disclosed all my financials, but she was holding back and even cashed out some of her pension in the middle of mediation (hoping I won't find out). I made it clear from the start and we both agreed that since we have both been involved parents (both have full-time jobs), we will do a 50-50 shared custody of our now 5yr old son.

All of a sudden after she started talking to friends and one in particular whose husband left her and 3 kids, my wife decided she doesn't want to do 50-50 with me anymore (she wasn't willing to alternate the child tax benefit), and she flat out told me that is the reason why, and that I'll have to pay less child support.....so she is motivated by money and putting that before child's best interest

I moved out of the master bedroom since last Aug, sleeping in the smallest bedroom in the house (the office) on the floor, to alleviate any tension. So we are still in the same house separated, but I won't move out because that is what she is hoping, in order to build a status quo that will allow her to get sole custody (judges don't like disrupting a stable situation).

I give him a bath/shower every morning, feed him and drop him off at school (2 days a week) and daycare because the wife works early.

Anyway....I have presented a fair parenting plan that accommodates both parents, and will make the schedule run a lot smoother (all exchanges happen at school / daycare) i.e I don't get to run into her as I pick up our son, and I get to talk to the school and his friends vice versa.

Anyway....keeping my head up and enjoying the time with my son.

cheers

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

just wanted to say hope all goes well for you.
Itsounds like a crappy situation that wont be sorted over night. I hope you manage to achieve an outcome that works for everyone :fingerscrossed:

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Well that sounds an awful and stressful situation. It'll work itself out eventually so try and keep your chin up. And like any negotiation, the party with the best representation and the best paperwork usually wins out in the end.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Hope it works out for you,keep in touch.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Dude. Been there, although slightly different, and done it. You always appeared to me like a person of strong character. Stay strong and believe in yourself. You're going at it like any Dad would and rightly so. Document everything and stay on top of your emotions(more specifically hatred). You'll get there.

Positive respect and thoughts from Chez Bean :thumbup:

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Chin up, easy to say but it does get better, I separated in Canada (English OH) and I ended up coming back to the UK. If you can remain friends it would be so much better for all involved, not the easiest though. I failed on that one :blink:

Virtual support at you :)

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Separation is hard enough without friends stirring things up and I do feel for you, I hope things get easier. Have you got a separation agreement drawn up and signed so that you are no longer responsible for any debts she incurs? I would advise you do, if possible.

I totally agree that you should be documenting everything, times that you are taking care of your son, money spent on him or the house or whatever.

I hope that the two of you can come to an amicable arrangement, for your sons sake too.

All you can do is play fair without being taken for a ride... and what ever you do, don't show anger as it could be used against you.

Keep strong.

x

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

You've got some good advice there. Seperating is painful for all involved, stay strong and calm and jyst carry on being fantastic for your son. Best wishes:fingerscrossed:

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Yes, we as a family have regretably sufferered similar situations. The only word I can think of is 'Patience'. Just try to wait it out a while - which will seem interminable- it will sort itself out, and you and your child will not cease to love one another one little bit less. The love of a child for a parent continues, it survives the strongest of emotional blasts...love is slow, long and enduring. You won't falter and neither will your kid. You just need to wait out the storm.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Thank you all for the responses thus far.....

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Crikey, UR, sorry to hear that news. Nothing to add as some good advice has been dished out already. I am surprised the mediator is discussing division of property etc. so early... I thought they were there to help patch things up?? Let's face it, at one time you both loved each other... and you're still the same people.
I'm heartened to see that you're making all your moves with the child's interests at the fore. Well done, chin up, it'll all come out in the wash, eventually.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

I was wondering where you had disappeared to, was hoping for a happier reason. So sorry to hear about what you are going through, I have a client in the same situation and he has basically lived in a war zone for three years. I have met both of them and they are both good people, but a combination of hurt, resentment and 'advice' has led them to the mess they are in now. Sometimes its cheaper to walk away from the material stuff than to pay lawyers to fight over it, this absolutely does not apply to your son. I hope you can reach an amicable arrangement that allows you both to be parents. I wish you good luck.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Being with your kid, when you can be, and raising him, in the best way you can, is all that counts.

Try to accept that your son is not a pawn in a game controlled by overly-possessive parents trying to outdo each other. Try to accept that your ex is entitled to half of everything that you both have, plus child support and probably spousal.

If you can then allow yourself to understand that everything your ex says and does is both right, important and great, then things will begin to slowly and positively improve. However, just understand that, through your son, you and your ex will never be truly "separated" and all that courts and judges will do is enforce decisions when you and your ex can't agree.

Act now in a way that you would like to see your son act when he, himself, is a man who is going through a similar relationship breakdown: with maturity, integrity and calm and a heart of gold :thumbup:

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

So sorry to hear your news. Hope all works out for you. In the end, things will improve...just hang in there and believe in better times ahead. Good luck to you....

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

As everyone else has said, hoping for an amicable resolution and the best result for your son.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

I wondered where you had gone - sorry to hear the crappy news :(

Woman can be cruel and heartless - I split with my OH for a few years and he was and is a fantastic father to our kids - BUT I was a complete cow, in order to try to manipulate everything to my way ..

When I look back on it now I shudder and hate what I was then :(

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. Be respectable at all times, don't react to anything she says or does,your son is the most important person in all this business. Also, take care of yourself, make sure you eat properly and get plenty of exercise and rest. You need to have your wits about you.

Hugs
Ruby

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Thank you everyone for the words of support and encouragement.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Shitty situation all round mate ! - hope you get it worked out

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

You got some great advice from others on here. Remain dignified, record everything and maintain a wonderful relationship with your son. In the end, that's what he will remember and make him the man he will become. Good luck!

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

So sorry to hear of your predicament. Keep your chin up, easier said than done I know.

Sending all positive vibes to you and your boy X

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Thank you everyone.....it's one of those things that you thought will never happen to you, but here I am and God knows I gave the marriage my all, and hoped that it will work.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Just keep in mind that, insofar as your son is concerned, the Court really doesn't care what you want, or what your wife wants, and will make a decision based upon what is in your son's best interests.

If a form of shared parenting is appropriate, that is what the Court will Order. Child support will follow the Court's decision on parenting.

You should be taking the advice of your lawyer.

I wish you all the best

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Sorry for your troubles. Sounds like you are doing the right thing by your son, thats to be commended.

Good luck.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

<Part of this has been deleted to remove references to the OP's previous post>

See what you could afford to offer in return that she agrees to your idea of child sharing and custody. I know it sounds awful and like paying for your son but everything that could settle this quickly and with as little stress for the kid as possible is good in the end.

I come from a family where the parents fought a lot etc. and although they did their best to keep it away from us kids we did know and notice and it does harm the kids.

Be there for your son and never forget it's not his fault, he loves mummy and daddy and although for you his mum is a bitch for him she's the best mummy in the world and it should stay that way.

Good luck mate!

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

In my experience, when a party is acting unreasonably, an Application to the Court and the Judge explaining to them that their conduct is unreasonable, usually does the trick. Clearly, some litigants do not care what the Court says and will continue to act unreasonably but most don't. Particularly if the Court indicates its displeasure by Ordering costs to be paid by that party.

Unrepresented litigants frequently have no idea what the Court is likely to Order, particularly if they are taking advice from friends. Is there any reason why you are not being advised to make an Application for an Interim Parenting and Child Support Order (I appreciate that this is likely to require one of you to leave the matrimonial home)? That would likely solve most of your initial concerns.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

All of which is the Court will not be able to review as it will be priviliged

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

I have a date for the mandatory information program in a couple of weeks, followed by a first court date (admin stuff) couple of weeks after. After that A case conference can then be booked, which can be followed by bringing motions.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Would the judge expect/demand the order to have a non-removal clause or is this up to the lawyers to negotiate?

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

wow shitty situation and really sorry to hear of your troubles. I agree with Greenhill. Leave the situation with dignity - it's not about "winners and losers" because ultimately you've all lost right now anyway.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Just a word of warning. If you feel the need to relive some stress by visiting a rub and tug, pay in cash.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

+1, stay strong x

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Putting offers made by one party to another in relation to issues upon which you are asking the Court to make a decision is not permitted (for obvious reasons). Such items can only be referred to once the Court has made a decision when the issue of costs falls to be determined.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

It depends upon the Judge and the lawyers. If one party changes residence, this be a "material change in circumstances" that would permit the Court to vary a previous Order. Sometimes, a material change arises simply because one party moves 15 kms away from their previous residence if, for example, the parties have shared parenting and such a move would mean that one party is no longer able to get a child to and from school during their parenting time (this would be the case in Calgary).

In theory, neither party would be able to travel with the child without the other's written consent as the border guards are generally very hot on such things. This being the case, a non removal is not always Ordered.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

It sounds a horrendous situation. You were on these boards regularly when I joined and I had also wondered to where you had disappeared. You seem to be handling the legal side well and as others have said, know that you will get through it in the end.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Bloody hell, UR, you don't do things by halves, do you! Not having been anywhere near a situation like this personally, I don't have any advice to offer (it seems you have lots already, most of it surprisingly consistent and helpful for a BE thread...) but you have my sympathy for a completely shitty nightmare and my best wishes that you can resolve it with the minimum of additional heartache and disruption for your son. Good luck.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Hmm im not sure the red flags are there for anyone, you cant tell whats going to be around the corner for anyone. as human being's nothings a given.

i havent been through the same myself but have plenty of experience of friend's who have and as a children's social worker ive seen many family's go through the same thing.

it sounds like you're doing fab. just keep the kids as your main focus regardless of what your ex attempts to do. its easy to get dragged into that circus and before you know it it becomes tit for tat and the kids needs are lost in the battle that has started between you and your ex.

right now you arent going to manage friendship as youre too busy trying to be one parent families to the kids. but hopefully once things settle the friendship will return. its a long road and itll probably be full of times where you really want/need to let off steam. as long as the you do this is a safe environment ie no impact on the kids you'll be fine im sure. keep going as you are :)

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

I see, thanks for that.

The reason I raised this point was for awareness for the OP: if a non-removal clause is added to an order, it will basically be worded something like "Neither parent can travel with the child outside of Ontario without written permission from the other parent". With the order being an order, not an agreement, that means it's a criminal offence to take the child outside of the area specified.

Point being, if you have a clause like this added, it means you need permission from the ex if you want to take your son to visit family in England. Which is fine, of course, if she's willing to give you permission.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

Feel your pain. I've been there, done that and have the empty bank account to prove it. Read this whole thread and was going to start chirping in with what to do but it's best if you just vent and we listen. AC is right, get a good lawyer.

Just keep telling yourself "it's only money" and stay to the high road, your kids will respect and thank you in the end - at least mine did.

Re: I can use some of your support right now
 

The red text is what is usually added. Essentially, the Order needs to be drafted so that further trips to Court can be avoided. If it simply states without written permission, there is little incentive for the other party to co-operate. Judges hate parties using children as pawns and, normally, will come down very heavily on a party attempting to do so.