How do you persuade........................?
 

How do you persuade parents to visit you ???

This is a huge dilemma for me and at the moment is making me extremely unhappy with my life and everything around me, making me lose sleep and have a total lack of concentration for most things.

A few oldies on here will remember that I had horrendous problems with my mom when we announced we were coming to live in Canada - to the point that we never spoke for over a month and only got back to "normal" in the last few weeks before i came for good. Over the past 8 months whilst I have been here we have slowly built up a better relationship and she is now quite used to the fact that we dont see each other every day.

Last weekend I decided to ask her when she was coming out for a visit because I fancied a nice chat and coffee - mainly to hear her slag my step dad off for doing something stupid (like it usually is :rofl:).

She has said that she doesnt know when she will be able to come and see us as she doesnt know how she will cope with having to leave us when she goes home to the UK and that it will break her heart and put her back to when we first came out here ie downright depressed and lonely.

Sat here typing this brings tears to my eyes as I just dont know how I can get her out here and wondered if anyone has another approach for me :confused:

All I want is to see my mom and stepdad :(

G
x

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Hi

I cant help with the mum thing as i know i will be in that situation hopefully soon :unsure:

My mum is the same, but her partner has advised that he wont come out when we move as the flight is too long :curse:
She would have to do the flight herself etc and then leave on her own, but i hope that she will make the effert.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
i hope you manage to change her mind on visiting at least she will be able to see how fantastic your new life is :thumbsup:

Gill
(see you in a few hours:wub:)

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Oh Gay, now your're making me cry :(

What a predicament - I feel like your Mum about my Mum coming at the end of June...I have been worried sick about what will happen when the day comes for her and my Dad and parents-in-laws to leave, I have cried about it and OH thinks I'm crazzzy. This expat life really is strange.

Could you get your kids to tell her how much they want her to visit - sometimes Grandparents do things a lot easier for the Grandkids.

Karma and ((((((hugs)))))))) sent for you my dear;)

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Oh Alvic

I'm Sorry :unsure::wub:

The Kids have asked her and she told them that she cannot afford it :( which is her way of not having to tell them the real reason.

At the mo this is consuming my energy but maybe it is something with it coming up to nearly 9 months and it being that "homesickness" thingy and people thinking of chucking it all in :confused:

Before you say dont jack it in - I have no intentions of doing that as I know that this is the best thing that we have ever done.

It is just I miss her sooooooooooooooo very very much

Thanks hun

Gaynor
x

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Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

For various reasons my Mum has never visited much, about 2 times in the last 15 years and that is with me living in the UK.

It's never bothered me that much....perhaps because it's never been something she has done. Her attitude is once I am 20 miles down the road, it may as well be the other side of the world.....

Perhaps your Mum is really scared of travelling? Could you fetch her? Or find her an escort? Or travel back with her to avoid her leaving you in Canada, as it were?

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Hi,

Have you thought about getting them to fly over for a while then when they go back you fly back with them for a visit, it could be a solution, you'd get to catch up here, visit friends etc if you fly back with them
If you cant fly back with them you could set a visiting date that way If you give them a definite we will fly out to you, its not a we will never see you again
Hopefully they'll see your new life and how happy you are, and make plans to come again.

Have you concidered that she may need reassurance, maybe she's a bit sad that your life continues with out her in it, she might not feel she has a place in it and a more direct approach of I wish grandma had seen this or mum I wish you could give me a hug when I feel down, like you did before, might just tell her you still need her...

Sometimes making the leap to do something is hard because we're so frightened...but when we do it its not so bad, and we look forward to doing it again.
I hope she comes to visit soon.

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

My mother in law said exactly the same thing.(after all the usual excuses). She was determined she was never going to see any of us again because it would break her heart all over again to say goodbye again. None of our suggestions worked, including getting cross with her.

To begin with I was angry, but hubby visited last year and I am going back this year, and I don't think we will ever change her mind, as she gets older every year (of course). We have just accepted it, even though my initial reaction was that she was just playing the martyr, giving us the guilt-trip etc. :(

It's not my mother of course, so I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but it's still upsetting.

My parents have struggled over once, and I woudn't expect that they will make it over again. They're all in their mid-80's now.

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

I want to give you a hug.

Bless you I am so sorry to hear of your situation and the damage it has caused your relationship. Not sure about your background story because I am only new here and you have been very kind to post a response to me on past topics I have made.

Can't you say that if she comes over she would see for her self why you made the decision to leave in the first place. Its so hard to give you advice on this topic and I hope you find the answer you are looking for.

Another big cyber hug and all the best from me. :wub:

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Oh Gaynor that's a toughy. My FIL won't come out and has always refused even when MIL came out before she passed on, he has the money and the time and now he knows that life can just end in a moment he still won't come. He also has Prostate cancer and due to his age they are not doing anything with it.

My Mum has been dreadfully ill and we saw her briefly during our trip back and she has aged so much, she's only 57 but looks so much older and now needs another op (hernia) but she doesn't do well on the table, the only reason she is having the op is because she's afraid she might burst when she flies over:eek: So at least I know she wants to come now - it's taken 3 years of poor health and not being able to travel. She now cries 9/10 times when we speak on the phone as she misses us so much, it's heartbreaking to hear your Mum cry.

I have no advice for you but I hope she comes round to the idea - what would she do if you sent tickets to her?

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

This is awful and I know its going to be hard on us when we go as my mum will be very emotional and can't see the woods for the trees (ie she doesn't see or understand our reasons for us moving or what the benefits are).

It's a pity you couldn't convince your mum that surely it be better to come over and see you all even with a sad parting at the end, but at least it could only be a parting for a little while - could you not get your Mum and S.Dad to set goals about coming over twice a year and then they'd always have a time to look forward to seeing you all again when they were leaving.

I know it's hard and it all depends on the olds giving a bit and making the best they can of a situation.

Easier said than done though.

Good luck and I hope you can convince her that it'd be better to visit than never to see you again.

karma to you.

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

I don't know what to say to make it all better Gaynor - how about suggesting that she brings a friend! So she can see it as a girlie holiday :thumbup:

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Don't think this is the reply you want, but my Better Halfs parents are visiting in a months time. How did we get them to come over, well, we got pregnant and are expecting in just under a month! I know it may sound extreme but it's so far met with 100% success rate.

My parents have always been a bit better at travelling, what with one sister in Chile and the other in France, they've gotten themselves around. The wife's have needed a little more persuasion though, but we are now looking forward to their imminent arrival.

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:rofl::thumbup:

Gaynor? Gaynor Luv? Pick yourself up off the floor - it was only a suggestion :p

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Hi Gay

Sorry you're so low.
I know how you feel. My parents aren't coming over, but due to my dad's health, and I really miss them. They were due to be coming this month, but dad's not fit to fly.
I don't know how you persuade your mum to come, all sorts of things come to mind, but I think it strays into emotional blackmail? Kids really miss her? Why not come now while she's fit enough to fly? (Give her my parents as an example - grab the chance while you can?) Be completely honest and say how much you miss her and it's gutting not being able to show her your new home?

Good luck and fingers crossed.

Sharon

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MIL is still refusing to visit after 6 years:thumbsup:

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Hi Gaynor,

Sorry to hear you're feeling gutted.

I recommend you go to this website, scroll down a bit, and watch the 15-Minute Miracle video by Joe Vitale. (You can find it on a variety of websites if you do a Google search for 15 MINUTE MIRACLE + JOE VITALE.)

I'm willing to bet that, if you make the 4 statements several times a day, every day, the situation will resolve itself in time. Your mother will agree to come for a visit, she won't agree but you'll stop worrying about it, or some other solution will emerge. I truly believe that.
x

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Oh Gaynor,

I'm sorry to hear how your feeling & why :(

I can't offer any ideas to you but i'm thinking of you & hope your Mum soon sees the light & comes over to see you all :wub:

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Give me a ring when you are settled x

Hiya Charlie - have done the above - her response is she isnt ready even tho I broke my heart with her :(

My mom has been numerous times to the town where I live and my step dad would travel with her

Believe it I tried all of the above on Sunday whilst crying and sobbing :(

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Hey Ann

Would be swinging from a church spire if that one was the case :eek:

Hi Judy

Thanks for that one hun - will check it out later at home :thumbsup:

Thanks to everyone but I seem to be flogging a dead horse as we say in UK.

As an update it was her birthday yesterday so my aunt here in town rang and had the same discussion with her and laid it on the line "Your daughter and grandbabies NEED to see you" - so we will see how that works for her.

Gaynor
xxc

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Well thats just rubbish, maybe instead of tears try very hard to keep it together and tell her only the good bits even if you exagerate them, if she thinks your sad, she might be expecting it not to last and then go home, but if you tell her how happy you are all the time even if its not quite true, she might think shes missing out?

I am very sad for you, and really hope you can find a resolution soon.

Take care and try to stay positive:wub:

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

How about acknowledging to your mum the feelings of sadness you both
will feel when it is time to say goodbye .However, gently reinforce
that it is the present moment which is precious and you would like
to see her and your step dad again.
Hope things will work out for you Gaynor.
Yoong

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Hi Gaynor

I haven't any brilliant suggestions BUT I think your aunt's phone call might do the trick;)

Keeping my finger crossed for you.

Jo

xx

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Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Hi Gaynor

Just seen this thread. Sorry your mum is still saying she won't come out. I would only echo what others have said - get her to book to come out and then maybe you book to go back there at some point afterwards (which is what we have done - my parents are coming over here in the summer and we have booked to go back for Christmas). Or get her to book her next trip as soon as she gets back. Then it will give her something to look forward to when she leaves.

I hope it does resolve itself for all your sakes.

I can't believe it is now nine months since we got on that plane at Manchester!!!!! :) It has gone quick - and I have survived the winter!!! :thumbup:

Lisa x

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Hiya BB

We never expected either set of parents to come and visit. My mum and dad haven't flown for over 40 years (and I think they are secretly scared of flying), so we forced the issue by blowing all our Air Canada Aeroplan points that we have saved up over the last seven years on two business class tickets for them to come out for the Stampede in July! They are actually quite looking forward to it now as when we see them on the webcam, my mum is showing me pictures of places she wants to visit in the touirst leaflets!

So that's one set of parents to tick off. The others (Jim's) may not be so easy. His Dad refuses point blank and uses every excuse not to come over and his mum won't come on her own. They are retired and don't do much but somehow are always 'too busy' to come over!

We are now putting all our spending on our Aeroplan credit card to see if we can do the same for Jim's parents.....

(we'll see)

Hope you find a solution soon!

All the best
Flossie

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Charlie you can always PM me for sure - someone elses woes certainly take my mind off things


I know doesnt seem possible Lisa

Gaynor

x

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Dear Gaynor - maybe you will never change her mind. Maybe the only solution will be for you guys to go visit her when you have the chance and finances allow.

I read your pre-move saga so it's hard not to sound a bit judgemental about your mother but all the evidence so far is that she doesn't put you, your feelings, or her grandchildren above her own needs - and so it seems unlikely your tears will move her.

If you can't change her mind, the only thing you can change is the way you react to the situation. Positive thinking (as Judy recommends) or even just 'psyching' yourself not to mind so much so that you can devise Plan B. Good luck.

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

UPDATE :::


Well the auntie phone call to tell mom that she had to come really worked.

She flies in Jun 29th for 4 weeks - 10 weeks and 5 days and counting :thumbsup:


Gaynor

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

That is fantastic news, congratulations:thumbsup:

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Hey that is fanastic news gaynor :thumbsup:

Hey who said it wouldnt snow last night :confused:

Gill

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Great news! So pleased for you.

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Hi Gaynor

What fantastic news:thumbsup: Your aunt's call certainly did the trick:cool:

I bet you have a big smile on your face now:thumbsup:

Jo

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Hi Gaynor

Glad to hear the phone call from your Auntie did the trick and that your Mum has decided to come out for a visit.

Lynne

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Excellent news, Gaynor! :D

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

Great news :thumbup: am going to try the Auntie thing with my mother who also refuses to come over, she has Rhuematoid Arthritus so has difficulty walking but I keep telling her that's no excuse - get a wheelchair I said :lol:

Re: How do you persuade........................?
 

great news - I missed the earlier part of this thread and was about to throw my $0.02 into the hat when I saw your post saying your aunt's phone call worked! Roll on end of June

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That is fantastic news, you must be so happy!

I hope she enjoys her time here and books up again as soon as she gets home :thumbsup:

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Woo hoo! I'm so happy to hear that, Gaynor. :thumbsup:
x

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Gaynor - that's lovely to hear.

Now - you do know you are not allowed to come back on here before, during or after her visit to complain about your guests !! ;) You do understand that having your mum in your house for a whole month is supposed to be wonderful, annoying, lovely and frustrating - all at the same time :lol:

Have fun - and I hope she really likes it ....