burton bunch

How do you persuade parents to visit you ???

This is a huge dilemma for me and at the moment is making me extremely unhappy with my life and everything around me, making me lose sleep and have a total lack of concentration for most things.

A few oldies on here will remember that I had horrendous problems with my mom when we announced we were coming to live in Canada - to the point that we never spoke for over a month and only got back to "normal" in the last few weeks before i came for good. Over the past 8 months whilst I have been here we have slowly built up a better relationship and she is now quite used to the fact that we dont see each other every day.

Last weekend I decided to ask her when she was coming out for a visit because I fancied a nice chat and coffee - mainly to hear her slag my step dad off for doing something stupid (like it usually is ).

She has said that she doesnt know when she will be able to come and see us as she doesnt know how she will cope with having to leave us when she goes home to the UK and that it will break her heart and put her back to when we first came out here ie downright depressed and lonely.

Sat here typing this brings tears to my eyes as I just dont know how I can get her out here and wondered if anyone has another approach for me

All I want is to see my mom and stepdad

G
x

moondevil

Hi

I cant help with the mum thing as i know i will be in that situation hopefully soon

My mum is the same, but her partner has advised that he wont come out when we move as the flight is too long :curse:
She would have to do the flight herself etc and then leave on her own, but i hope that she will make the effert.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
i hope you manage to change her mind on visiting at least she will be able to see how fantastic your new life is

Gill
(see you in a few hours)

AlvicBC

Oh Gay, now your're making me cry

What a predicament - I feel like your Mum about my Mum coming at the end of June...I have been worried sick about what will happen when the day comes for her and my Dad and parents-in-laws to leave, I have cried about it and OH thinks I'm crazzzy. This expat life really is strange.

Could you get your kids to tell her how much they want her to visit - sometimes Grandparents do things a lot easier for the Grandkids.

Karma and ((((((hugs)))))))) sent for you my dear

burton bunch

Oh Alvic

I'm Sorry

The Kids have asked her and she told them that she cannot afford it which is her way of not having to tell them the real reason.

At the mo this is consuming my energy but maybe it is something with it coming up to nearly 9 months and it being that "homesickness" thingy and people thinking of chucking it all in

Before you say dont jack it in - I have no intentions of doing that as I know that this is the best thing that we have ever done.

It is just I miss her sooooooooooooooo very very much

Thanks hun

Gaynor
x

purple80

Hi Gaynor,
I really feel for you....

I have had the same problem with my mum, she has not flown since a flight 35 years ago, .

I knew that this would be an issue and have placed a guilt trip on her, I basically told her that it would ruin my life if she died never seeing the new country I lived in.....

I arrive in Canada in August, she is coming in October for my 40th, I found it a very hard thing to say to her and it upset us both. But, what I said was true.

Can you tell her how important it is to you..... That you miss her, and want to see her, and that you want her to see your new life?? I know the problems you had before you left, but I would just keep going with the emotional bribery, get the kids to tell her what they have been doing and how it would be great if she could actually see it.

Virtual {{{{hugs}}}} and karma sent.....

Charlie

G586

For various reasons my Mum has never visited much, about 2 times in the last 15 years and that is with me living in the UK.

It's never bothered me that much....perhaps because it's never been something she has done. Her attitude is once I am 20 miles down the road, it may as well be the other side of the world.....

Perhaps your Mum is really scared of travelling? Could you fetch her? Or find her an escort? Or travel back with her to avoid her leaving you in Canada, as it were?

Littletashy

Hi,

Have you thought about getting them to fly over for a while then when they go back you fly back with them for a visit, it could be a solution, you'd get to catch up here, visit friends etc if you fly back with them
If you cant fly back with them you could set a visiting date that way If you give them a definite we will fly out to you, its not a we will never see you again
Hopefully they'll see your new life and how happy you are, and make plans to come again.

Have you concidered that she may need reassurance, maybe she's a bit sad that your life continues with out her in it, she might not feel she has a place in it and a more direct approach of I wish grandma had seen this or mum I wish you could give me a hug when I feel down, like you did before, might just tell her you still need her...

Sometimes making the leap to do something is hard because we're so frightened...but when we do it its not so bad, and we look forward to doing it again.
I hope she comes to visit soon.

Alberta_Rose

My mother in law said exactly the same thing.(after all the usual excuses). She was determined she was never going to see any of us again because it would break her heart all over again to say goodbye again. None of our suggestions worked, including getting cross with her.

To begin with I was angry, but hubby visited last year and I am going back this year, and I don't think we will ever change her mind, as she gets older every year (of course). We have just accepted it, even though my initial reaction was that she was just playing the martyr, giving us the guilt-trip etc.

It's not my mother of course, so I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but it's still upsetting.

My parents have struggled over once, and I woudn't expect that they will make it over again. They're all in their mid-80's now.

Cassie 10000

I want to give you a hug.

Bless you I am so sorry to hear of your situation and the damage it has caused your relationship. Not sure about your background story because I am only new here and you have been very kind to post a response to me on past topics I have made.

Can't you say that if she comes over she would see for her self why you made the decision to leave in the first place. Its so hard to give you advice on this topic and I hope you find the answer you are looking for.

Another big cyber hug and all the best from me.

Piff Poff

Oh Gaynor that's a toughy. My FIL won't come out and has always refused even when MIL came out before she passed on, he has the money and the time and now he knows that life can just end in a moment he still won't come. He also has Prostate cancer and due to his age they are not doing anything with it.

My Mum has been dreadfully ill and we saw her briefly during our trip back and she has aged so much, she's only 57 but looks so much older and now needs another op (hernia) but she doesn't do well on the table, the only reason she is having the op is because she's afraid she might burst when she flies over So at least I know she wants to come now - it's taken 3 years of poor health and not being able to travel. She now cries 9/10 times when we speak on the phone as she misses us so much, it's heartbreaking to hear your Mum cry.

I have no advice for you but I hope she comes round to the idea - what would she do if you sent tickets to her?

MrsLauder99

This is awful and I know its going to be hard on us when we go as my mum will be very emotional and can't see the woods for the trees (ie she doesn't see or understand our reasons for us moving or what the benefits are).

It's a pity you couldn't convince your mum that surely it be better to come over and see you all even with a sad parting at the end, but at least it could only be a parting for a little while - could you not get your Mum and S.Dad to set goals about coming over twice a year and then they'd always have a time to look forward to seeing you all again when they were leaving.

I know it's hard and it all depends on the olds giving a bit and making the best they can of a situation.

Easier said than done though.

Good luck and I hope you can convince her that it'd be better to visit than never to see you again.

karma to you.

mandymoochops

I don't know what to say to make it all better Gaynor - how about suggesting that she brings a friend! So she can see it as a girlie holiday

Hobbess

Don't think this is the reply you want, but my Better Halfs parents are visiting in a months time. How did we get them to come over, well, we got pregnant and are expecting in just under a month! I know it may sound extreme but it's so far met with 100% success rate.

My parents have always been a bit better at travelling, what with one sister in Chile and the other in France, they've gotten themselves around. The wife's have needed a little more persuasion though, but we are now looking forward to their imminent arrival.

ann m

Gaynor? Gaynor Luv? Pick yourself up off the floor - it was only a suggestion

mkmurrays

Hi Gay

Sorry you're so low.
I know how you feel. My parents aren't coming over, but due to my dad's health, and I really miss them. They were due to be coming this month, but dad's not fit to fly.
I don't know how you persuade your mum to come, all sorts of things come to mind, but I think it strays into emotional blackmail? Kids really miss her? Why not come now while she's fit enough to fly? (Give her my parents as an example - grab the chance while you can?) Be completely honest and say how much you miss her and it's gutting not being able to show her your new home?

Good luck and fingers crossed.

Sharon