Is it me or is it them?
Nov 5th 2022, 2:21 pm
#1
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Is it me or is it them?
Is it me or is it them that has a problem with me?
I like to think of myself as a generous guy who is open minded but lately been feeling like I'm a second class citizen amongst family and friends with a few exceptions.
Back in the UK I had alot of visitors from Hungary, both family and friends. I opened my own home (pre-marriage) and was generous to all visitors. I've been here just over two years. I'm still learning Hungarian, both spoken/written and sign language. When we have visitors here I seem to be relegated to the English partner of an Hungarian who can't speak or sign in Hungarian. That hurts because as I mentioned above I opened my UK home to Hungarians. I've been the primary funder for our new life here but get the feeling visitors, both deaf and not deaf, to our house are not interested in remembering this fact. My Hungarian wife has no income so you can guess how I feel when in our home I become like a non-entity.
I've told my Hungarian wife how I feel and she's been very upset every time these things happen.
Back to the question ..... is it me or is it them?
It's been a difficult decision of mine to post this but I need to gauge what others think before I take any drastic action!
I like to think of myself as a generous guy who is open minded but lately been feeling like I'm a second class citizen amongst family and friends with a few exceptions.
Back in the UK I had alot of visitors from Hungary, both family and friends. I opened my own home (pre-marriage) and was generous to all visitors. I've been here just over two years. I'm still learning Hungarian, both spoken/written and sign language. When we have visitors here I seem to be relegated to the English partner of an Hungarian who can't speak or sign in Hungarian. That hurts because as I mentioned above I opened my UK home to Hungarians. I've been the primary funder for our new life here but get the feeling visitors, both deaf and not deaf, to our house are not interested in remembering this fact. My Hungarian wife has no income so you can guess how I feel when in our home I become like a non-entity.
I've told my Hungarian wife how I feel and she's been very upset every time these things happen.
Back to the question ..... is it me or is it them?
It's been a difficult decision of mine to post this but I need to gauge what others think before I take any drastic action!
Last edited by FenTiger; Nov 5th 2022 at 2:30 pm.
Nov 5th 2022, 4:25 pm
#2
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Re: Is it me or is it them?
I have been a resident of Hungary 5 years now and it happens to me often that when I am with a group of people that I get pretty much ignored, However it does not bother me at all. I am much of an introvert with most people I just keep to myself. I was ignored by people back home. I really could care less. I do have a few Hungarian friends that are very social and outgoing with me so I am not always left to suffer in silence. Maybe you need to make a few more Hungarian friends.
Nov 5th 2022, 4:39 pm
#3
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Re: Is it me or is it them?
I have been a resident of Hungary 5 years now and it happens to me often that when I am with a group of people that I get pretty much ignored, However it does not bother me at all. I am much of an introvert with most people I just keep to myself. I was ignored by people back home. I really could care less. I do have a few Hungarian friends that are very social and outgoing with me so I am not always left to suffer in silence. Maybe you need to make a few more Hungarian friends.
My Hungarian wife feels under enormous pressure.
One of our deaf friends works for SINOSZ. It won't look good if I made it public what I'm experiencing.
I've had to block one Hungarian deaf friend because he in English had been "living vicariously " . I've been to his house ... bloody awful.
Nov 5th 2022, 7:10 pm
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Re: Is it me or is it them?
I've no plans to quit Hungary whatever comes out of this.
I might go ahead and purchase the summer/weekend house I mentioned earlier with strict stipulation no family or friends are welcome. Harsh but I have my own principles and standards. If they disagree .... tough ... end of.
It's my money and I'm not the free Bank of Hungary!
I might go ahead and purchase the summer/weekend house I mentioned earlier with strict stipulation no family or friends are welcome. Harsh but I have my own principles and standards. If they disagree .... tough ... end of.
It's my money and I'm not the free Bank of Hungary!
Last edited by FenTiger; Nov 5th 2022 at 7:12 pm.
Nov 6th 2022, 7:52 am
#5
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Location: Costa Valencia
Posts: 14,800
Re: Is it me or is it them?
Is it me or is it them? This question gets asked in many ways by all sorts of people in different circumstances. The answer is always that it is a bit of both.
They treat you in this way because it is the easy option, communication is a little difficult due to the good old language barrier. You are pushed into the company of the other Brit as that is what happens everywhere, there is always the assumption that if someone is of the same nationality that they will enjoy each others company regardless of their interests and abilities. So in their own way they may think that they are being kind and thoughtful towards you. You welcome them all into your home, you seem to expect them to value that more than they appear to. The very fact that they return shows that they appreciate your kind spirit so although their action it is not necessarily an act of disrespect from them that is the way that you are taking it. You feel slighted, ignored and disrespected in your own home which is not a nice feeling at all but understandable in the circumstances. Good intentions are often misread, misunderstandings occur in all groups of people, Allowing things to fester in your head is not healthy and will only cause you to stop being the open, friendly and generous person that you are which will make you feel more disgruntled and may make you such a miserable person to be with that they will stop visiting or you may stop them from visiting. That does not sound like the sort of life that you would want.
If you buy the other place and bar family and friends it will isolate you from the people that you mix with which could end up causing greater difficulties.
There are no easy answers to the problem of communicating, obviously the more that you can sign with them all the better if will become but that is in the future. If they are talking in small groups go and join them even if you do not understand all that is being signed you will be able to understand some of it and it may aid your learning. By joining in with them they will realise that you really are interested in them as Hungarians and not a Brit who only wants to be with other Brits so should include you more in their conversations. Be more active in what is happening in your home, providing the venue is great but do not then sit back and expect them to include you because they will not unless you gently push them into including you.
In a nut shell, they are taking the easy option of pushing you towards a fellow Brit which they see as sensible and helpful whilst you are taking it as a slight and being disrespectful of your hospitality therefore getting under your skin and making you feel bad. Two possible versions of one scenario but there could be other explanations too.
Rosemary
They treat you in this way because it is the easy option, communication is a little difficult due to the good old language barrier. You are pushed into the company of the other Brit as that is what happens everywhere, there is always the assumption that if someone is of the same nationality that they will enjoy each others company regardless of their interests and abilities. So in their own way they may think that they are being kind and thoughtful towards you. You welcome them all into your home, you seem to expect them to value that more than they appear to. The very fact that they return shows that they appreciate your kind spirit so although their action it is not necessarily an act of disrespect from them that is the way that you are taking it. You feel slighted, ignored and disrespected in your own home which is not a nice feeling at all but understandable in the circumstances. Good intentions are often misread, misunderstandings occur in all groups of people, Allowing things to fester in your head is not healthy and will only cause you to stop being the open, friendly and generous person that you are which will make you feel more disgruntled and may make you such a miserable person to be with that they will stop visiting or you may stop them from visiting. That does not sound like the sort of life that you would want.
If you buy the other place and bar family and friends it will isolate you from the people that you mix with which could end up causing greater difficulties.
There are no easy answers to the problem of communicating, obviously the more that you can sign with them all the better if will become but that is in the future. If they are talking in small groups go and join them even if you do not understand all that is being signed you will be able to understand some of it and it may aid your learning. By joining in with them they will realise that you really are interested in them as Hungarians and not a Brit who only wants to be with other Brits so should include you more in their conversations. Be more active in what is happening in your home, providing the venue is great but do not then sit back and expect them to include you because they will not unless you gently push them into including you.
In a nut shell, they are taking the easy option of pushing you towards a fellow Brit which they see as sensible and helpful whilst you are taking it as a slight and being disrespectful of your hospitality therefore getting under your skin and making you feel bad. Two possible versions of one scenario but there could be other explanations too.
Rosemary
Nov 6th 2022, 8:07 am
#6
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,774
Re: Is it me or is it them?
Is it me or is it them? This question gets asked in many ways by all sorts of people in different circumstances. The answer is always that it is a bit of both.
They treat you in this way because it is the easy option, communication is a little difficult due to the good old language barrier. You are pushed into the company of the other Brit as that is what happens everywhere, there is always the assumption that if someone is of the same nationality that they will enjoy each others company regardless of their interests and abilities. So in their own way they may think that they are being kind and thoughtful towards you. You welcome them all into your home, you seem to expect them to value that more than they appear to. The very fact that they return shows that they appreciate your kind spirit so although their action it is not necessarily an act of disrespect from them that is the way that you are taking it. You feel slighted, ignored and disrespected in your own home which is not a nice feeling at all but understandable in the circumstances. Good intentions are often misread, misunderstandings occur in all groups of people, Allowing things to fester in your head is not healthy and will only cause you to stop being the open, friendly and generous person that you are which will make you feel more disgruntled and may make you such a miserable person to be with that they will stop visiting or you may stop them from visiting. That does not sound like the sort of life that you would want.
If you buy the other place and bar family and friends it will isolate you from the people that you mix with which could end up causing greater difficulties.
There are no easy answers to the problem of communicating, obviously the more that you can sign with them all the better if will become but that is in the future. If they are talking in small groups go and join them even if you do not understand all that is being signed you will be able to understand some of it and it may aid your learning. By joining in with them they will realise that you really are interested in them as Hungarians and not a Brit who only wants to be with other Brits so should include you more in their conversations. Be more active in what is happening in your home, providing the venue is great but do not then sit back and expect them to include you because they will not unless you gently push them into including you.
In a nut shell, they are taking the easy option of pushing you towards a fellow Brit which they see as sensible and helpful whilst you are taking it as a slight and being disrespectful of your hospitality therefore getting under your skin and making you feel bad. Two possible versions of one scenario but there could be other explanations too.
Rosemary
They treat you in this way because it is the easy option, communication is a little difficult due to the good old language barrier. You are pushed into the company of the other Brit as that is what happens everywhere, there is always the assumption that if someone is of the same nationality that they will enjoy each others company regardless of their interests and abilities. So in their own way they may think that they are being kind and thoughtful towards you. You welcome them all into your home, you seem to expect them to value that more than they appear to. The very fact that they return shows that they appreciate your kind spirit so although their action it is not necessarily an act of disrespect from them that is the way that you are taking it. You feel slighted, ignored and disrespected in your own home which is not a nice feeling at all but understandable in the circumstances. Good intentions are often misread, misunderstandings occur in all groups of people, Allowing things to fester in your head is not healthy and will only cause you to stop being the open, friendly and generous person that you are which will make you feel more disgruntled and may make you such a miserable person to be with that they will stop visiting or you may stop them from visiting. That does not sound like the sort of life that you would want.
If you buy the other place and bar family and friends it will isolate you from the people that you mix with which could end up causing greater difficulties.
There are no easy answers to the problem of communicating, obviously the more that you can sign with them all the better if will become but that is in the future. If they are talking in small groups go and join them even if you do not understand all that is being signed you will be able to understand some of it and it may aid your learning. By joining in with them they will realise that you really are interested in them as Hungarians and not a Brit who only wants to be with other Brits so should include you more in their conversations. Be more active in what is happening in your home, providing the venue is great but do not then sit back and expect them to include you because they will not unless you gently push them into including you.
In a nut shell, they are taking the easy option of pushing you towards a fellow Brit which they see as sensible and helpful whilst you are taking it as a slight and being disrespectful of your hospitality therefore getting under your skin and making you feel bad. Two possible versions of one scenario but there could be other explanations too.
Rosemary
Nov 6th 2022, 1:19 pm
#7
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Re: Is it me or is it them?
Our plumber mentioned above is Hungarian and he and his family are all very good. I feel respected by them and find them to be very nice people. With other visitors it seems sometimes I'm invisible. With our Hungarian deaf friends I use international sign language when I don't know the Hungarian Sign. They don't mind but sometimes I can't get a word in!
