sas-lou

Everything has gone to crap so i'm looking at options available to me now.

I have just been to the DEFRA website, to see how i return my cat to the UK with us (if we take that option) and unfortunately because she isn't on a pet passport, she would have to go into quarantine for 6 months .. ouch .. Hubby doesn't want her as apparantly she is my cat now .. Nice ..

I basically have 2 options available now ..

STAY IN CANADA ..

I have no job yet, nowhere to live as i wouldn't be able to afford this place i'm in at the moment, but my kids are so happy here and i do have about $13K savings (hubby transferred a little money into my account last night) and keep my cat with me. The bus strike vote yesterday was not good news so i also don't have means to travel far ..

GO BACK TO THE UK ..

I have no job, nowhere to live (although i could stay with my mum for a few days but her house is so small), i wont have my cat, my kids will have to go back to a Leicester school, so my eldest's confidence can go back down the toilet .. but i will have support ..

Hubby is moving out tonight for a week so i can try and get things sorted. i am so low that i'm starting to have silly thoughts (you get the idea, wont say it as i don't want to get upset again) .. i have been in tears all morning although hid it very well from the children.
Hubby doesn't want me now and i feel so ashamed as i physically went for him last night .. he knows how low i feel and i am trying everything in my power to make our marriage work but he is just rubbing salt in the wound. Im crying out to feel loved but get no affection in return other than a kiss on the forehead or a kiss on the lips whilst he is looking away, maybe that makes him feel better, knowing i ended it so he can feel less guilt .. I want him to feel guilt .. I came here for something better, now i'm told i emotionally blackmailed him, bull, he could of told me it was over whilst i was in the UK ..

Anyway .. i don't have a clue what to do .. other than cry some more and smoke .. lol ..

I have been talking back and forth with some people on this site about my marriage problems .. and had some very good advice given .. Some days i am strong and i say "yes i can make this work in Canada alone" other days i am so confused .. I can accept my marriage is over (i deserve better anyway and i will divorce him on the grounds of adultry) .. Its the "What should i do next" that scares the hell out of me ..

Any advice?????? Does anyone have a crystal ball???

albertabound

So sorry for your situation Sas Lou.
Cannot offer you advice (except get shut of bad rubbish) but wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you.
I have posted a thread earlier feeling sorry for myself but your horrendous situation has put things into perspective.
The best of luck in whatever you decide to do
Tina

AmyDavid

You poor thing. Your OH sounds lovely...NOT. Only you can make the choice whether to stay or go and in your heart of hearts you know you will make the right choice.

If you do go back - your cat can spend the 6 months pretending it is on holiday! At least you know in 6 months time you can go collect it and bring it home.

Big hugs and chin up girl. Are there any BE'ers near you that you can meet up for a cry/scream/double gin?

FlirtyKnickers

Hugs sent Sas-Lou....you deserve better than this, good luck with whatever you decide to do

Souvenir

Bloody hell! What a nightmare.

I can't really offer much advice other than to make damn sure you have all the documentary proof of property, investments, savings, pensions etc in your possession when you officially separate.

gibsonslanding

hey.....soz to hear this hunny BUT you know that you tried and i'm VERY proud of you.....you should at least pat yourself on the back for trying, right? now you have to be strong again; you were before and you can again......reading between the lines (and knowing how it was/is) sounds like your kids are settled.....that's a great thing and a real achievement.....do you think you could settle there? if yes, then try.........what's to lose? i'm quessing that you feel that you've lost everything anyways, right? so there's nothing more to lose.....only up-wards and forwards.....not easy and a very rocky road ahead.....you know where i am if you wanna chat..........cyber hugs and cuddles hunny.....x

my mate in aus, just sent me this......sending it to you.....'They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them'.

christmasoompa

No wise words from me I'm afraid but just wanted to say how sorry I am that things haven't worked out and sending cyber hugs your way. ((()))

Twink001

Hi Sas Lou

Sorry to hear of your situation.

I have a friend who moved to OZ, with hubby and kids only to find he was cheating yet again! However, she got rid, rented her own home with all the kids, got herself a part time job and never looked back. She is extremely happy in OZ and so are her children. The Ex is living round the corner and visits the kids when she`s not at home by arrangement I might add,she says the only thing she can thank him for is taking her and kids out to OZ to live.

If thats anything to go by, you hang on in there my girl, it will get better over time. Right about now everything must feel very raw, but from what I can see he is the one who should feel guilty -NOT YOU!

You are not alone as the Jacko song says, keep posting on BE and let those feelings out - don`t bottle them up, this will make you ill - trust me I know!

You have the courage to do it alone, I bet you, your kids will be the ones who help you through this difficult time - they have a way of doing that.

Good Luck, please pm if want a rant at any time?

Sue x

Wearsider

I know from reading your earlier posts that life is a bitch at the moment, but please don't make any decisions about you and your children's future based on what will happen to your cat. You will always be able to find a good, loving home for your cat in Canada, you have enough to worry about at the moment.

I have a dog, and have had dogs all of my life, I love it to bits and she is part of the family, but at the end of the day it is a pet, and not family.

I think you could do with some legal advice to see what you are and aren't entitled to, either from your tw*t of a Husband (maintenance etc.) or from the State.

Auld Yin

Without knowing anything about your joint financial situation it"s difficult to offer any advice, but from what you said it seems to me that it's essential you see a lawyer with expertise in family law. Your husband will be required, by law, to provide you with alimony and child support and you should move quickly to enable this process.
I understand and realize that your world has just fallen apart, you are in a foreign land far away from family and emotionally you are devastated. Take some very deep breaths and make strong attempts to see that lawyer. Perhaps friends in Ottawa can point you in the direction of a good one but, if not, get to the Yellow Pages and find one. Please try and see the lawyer today so you know your full rights in this messy situation. After all he wants you to get it sorted out. What the hell is he doing about it?
You must move quickly to protect the interests of yourself and your kids.
YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS.

sas-lou

Ahhhh, thank you.


Well i have just been on the phone to DEFRA to see if there is any other way around this .. NO .. i wont be able to see my beautiful cat for 6 months .. or i get the blood tests done here and return to England in 6 months ..

Why can somethings never be simple .. someone is playing a cruel joke here .. just to get to Canada and jumping through so many hoops and now this ..

P.S what property, investments, pension .. lol

Well that's the first time i have laughed today ..

On and up i suppose.

val50

Is there any way your mom could come stay with you for a while, give you a bit of support whilst you sort things out?
At least you know what is happening now so you can move forward.
You and the kids will get through this, as hard as it seems at the moment. Keep on BE, you know there are lots of people here who care about you and will help all they can.
Personally I think the leg of lamb solution is too good for your OH - but you might find this helps

http://www.classicshorts.com/stories/lamb.html

Elaine B.

I'll keep this short and I'll probably get grief for this but I would go home and get the support and comfort you need. I hope things work out no matter what you decide. I can't see how your kids can be truly happy in Canada if you are miserable.

Paul Wildy

I really feel for you and I wish I could help more than by just providing the feable little bit of advice I am about to offer...

If you dont already have one I would say you need a lawyer. It sounds like you have really been left in the lurch and you really need to know what you ought to be entitled to in terms of financial support etc from your husband.

I would definitely advocate not returning to the UK if you can possibly help it. Apart from having family support closer by I'm not sure it would fix much else. I presume part of the reason you moved here is for your kids and if you can make it work so you can stay and have them grow up here instead of Leicester I'm sure you will look back on that decision and know you made the right choice. Plus the economy in the UK is completely in the dumps and I certainly wouldnt want to be looking for a job there right now. Plus you'll end up spending a load of money moving back which will leave less to get your life sorted out instead.

I cant remember all your circumstances - do you have PR? Assume you are entitled to work but just need the job? Do you have a house in the UK?

Are you able to get yourself a cheap car so that you dont feel so trapped? Also, if you are struggling to find a job in Ottawa, is moving to a different part of Canada an option? Do you have any specific ties to Ottawa? I know this is more upheaval but much cheaper than going back to the UK and still avoids having to put kid back in British schools.

I know this is going to sound dumb but the old advice about looking forward not backwards really does apply here. To put it simply you really do have your whole life ahead of you. Okay so there is a lot of emotional baggage and upset and sour memories but those things are in the past not the future. You have $13k in savings - not much but its more than you started out with and you can live wherever you want and, with the right plan, be whatever you want to be. Once you put the past behind you then you will see that you are free and have everything going for you.

One of the troubles with life is that as you get older you tend to get less optimistic. Its easy to look at your current circumstances and feel negative about them because at some point during your life you may have had more or felt things were better. Whereas when you're young the current situation is usually better than is has been and you are much more inclined to be looking forward, generally not even thinking about the past. Looking back is a bit of a curse in a way. If you were 20 again and someone deposited you in Canada with $13k savings how would you feel? You definitely wouldnt feel it was a disaster. You would probably be extremely excitied about the future. I'm not forgetting you have kids but thats okay, they are part of your support network too. So my advice is really this: just try pretending you are 20 again!

Souvenir

Glad I made you laugh. Really, though, you want to have detailed proof of everything that counts as "family worth" at the time of separation, such as pension funds in the UK. You certainly want to make sure hubby doesn't bugger off with it all.

On the bright side, it's a nice day today.

I'd offer to come down and buy you a beer but I don'r drive either