My parents said they have accepted that we want to move to Canada. But when we talk about it, it's pretty obvious that they haven't.

My dad is 65 and my mum is 60. My dad lost his younger brother this year and has got a bit morbid.

So every time we mention Canada - he says that he will probably be dead before he gets the chance to come out and visit us. Now he is not hard up - so it's not like he won't be able to afford to come and visit. But he doesn't like long haul flights. We were initially going to move to Toronto - but we're leaning towards Calgary and that hasn't gone down too well. But we can't chose where to live, just to suit his flight preferences.

I'm feeling like all this mention of death is just to make me feel guilty and I do, a little bit. He said it again last night. So I said that we might come home for our first Christmas, if we move to Canada next summer; if they would stay at home instead of going off to Spain or somewhere. And they refused flat out - they like being away at Christmas.

Funny thing is, their yearly absence at Christmas has been another thing that has pushed us towards wanting to emigrating even more. My kids feel like Christmas should be a family thing - and each year they've asked them if they will stay at home but they refuse. The kids feel a bit lonely at Christmas as my ex and his family never bother to invite them over during the holiday period either.

Anyway - sorry if I'm going on a bit. But I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty for taking my teenage kids away from my parents when they can't even be bothered to spend at least one Christmas with them. But when my dad keeps pulling the death card - I do feel guilty. How would you deal with it? Thanks.

Nothing to do with emigration, but at the hospital where I work I'm responsible for booking our department Christmas party. Every year for the past 10 years or so they have gone to the same boring restaurant and had the same boring menu. Since I've just started in this job (secretary for the head of the department) I've been given the task of shaking things up a little bit. So, this year I've booked a lovely restaurant about 10 minutes from our hospital right on the beach. We can actually bring our bathers and go for a swim after lunch if we like! Now how great is that, eh?

Anyway, one of the consultants had herself a little hissy fit going on about how it's too far, who's going to provide transport, what about those on call and how she wasn't going to go unless I changed the venue back to Fraser's. My very casual reply to her was "I'm very sorry you won't be joining us this time. We'll miss you."

It shut her up and let her know that it was a decision based on what the majority of people wanted and her guilt trips were not going to make me change my mind.

You might want to try the same with your dad. Next time he starts with the "I'll be dead" thing just tell him that it's a shame he won't come visit and you will miss him but the decision is made. No need to be nasty or hurtful about it, but be firm and matter of fact. No discussion, just what it is.

Make the decision to live your life for you and your family.

But do consider if you want, or are able to be there for them when times are tough, a few years down the line.

...Well, as you say, they're cracking on a bit and they're worth a few bob - I'd hang on a couple of years, and then, when you do come out you can buy a really nice big house.

Hi Dorothy - That sounds like a good way to respond - thanks. And it sounds like you have an awesome Christmas dinner planned.

Hi Smelly - that's a good point. When my dad was being a PITA a while ago, I told him I was going to put him in a nursing home if he outlived my mum. So maybe if I tell them that I do actually intend to look after them, if possible - he might feel better about it.

Hi bsmith - LMAO - I think I will say that to my dad for a laugh next time he starts banging on about dying.

We're going through the same sort of thing with my husbands parents at the moment! They are doing everything to make us feel guilty so we don't go. They keep saying they'll probably never see us again even though they go to Cuba and Mexico several times a year so they're used to travelling long haul lol!

According to my MIL I'm satan personified and I'm dragging off her precious son completely against his will - she's an absolute nightmare. She doesn't seem to realise that he can't wait to get away from her

Don't worry and just think about what is best for you and your family - after all they do what they want don't they!!!

There are other posts on here about the same sort of thing, so it seems it's a common reaction from some of our families

Good luck with everything x

Guilt trips are terrible. For the most past my parents, especially my dad, have been very supportive of my plans and they think what I am doing is the right thing. However, a couple of weeks ago my dad made a comment that made me feel guilty and selfish. My parents usually come over to my place every monday evening for dinner and my dad made the comment "what are we going to do on a Monday when you move to Canada", which obviously made me feel bad.

He has also said a couple of times, how much he is going to miss me and how he does not want me to go, but then he follows this up with "but this is just me being selfish", which again does not help.

I have told him outright to stop the guilt trip, as I have made up my mind and all he is doing is making me feel bad for wanting this. But it still makes me feel guilty and like I am being selfish and letting everyone down.

I guess this is just as hard for them, as much as it is for you, me or any of us doing this, but you cannot live your life for your family no matter how much you love them. My dad told me that. He said that they are not going to be around forever (Dad 62 and Mum 60) so to do what I need to do for me not them, which does help and is him trying to be supportive.

IMHO, If your parents are not prepared to compromise on their Spanish holiday at Christmas then why should you compromise on a better quality of life for you and your family. They sound like they are quite able to travel so they can always visit you and you can get SKYPE and a webcam to talk and see them regularly. Nobody ever said this was easy, but you have to follow your own heart and do what you feel is best. Hang on in there.

Big hugs

Emmjay

I think there are a few key notes on these issues:

1, People at the parental age of the many currently in the immigration process will probably be of the generation where they lived in a close proximity to where they grew up, and travel was mainly in-country and later on generally short haul. So for many (my mum included) a long haul destination would feel like another planet.

2, Change affects people in different ways. Some ride the wave with ease, others swim against the tide, yet others sink. Don't forget that to change a life forever in the way of moving to another country may be more difficult for some.

3, Think how you (the immigrants to be) would feel if the kids you've taken to Canada for a better life tell you in years to come that they're moving to Europe and taking your grandchildren. The funny thing is, no matter how you think you'll react, you'll not know until it actually happens.

I hope all the negative experiences turn to positive ones over time.

[QUOTE=sparkling_gal;8072327]My parents said they have accepted that we want to move to Canada. But when we talk about it, it's pretty obvious that they haven't.

Hey there!

Hang in there...we had exactly the same thing with one set of parents. They were the first to come out after only 10 months of us being here.....they missed the kids.

They spent 2 weeks here and absolutely fell in love with the place. My father in law was the worst one of the two and openly kept asking why we were moving away....when he calls me now he tells me, every time, how much he wishes he was here and how much he loved it. He has also told everyone else that he now knows why we moved and it was a great decision for the kids too. He's told my parents to get out here as soon as possible and that if he didn't have other grand children in the UK - he'd move here too!

I was shocked....but im glad he's got it....he has photos in his vans cab to show people when they ask how we are! Makes me chuckle but im glad that stress is gone!

They'll come around...I had the "but what if something happens you won't be just around the corner you know" and I had to promise we'd be on the next flight out if something did! Very morbid but I guess a question that needed answering.

Take care
Nats

Oh my

Speaking as someone who is only 7 years younger than your mum (yes work that out Butch ) I would be horrified if I thought I would only be around for a few more years ... we only emigrated three years ago and I've got a lot to do yet

Speaking as someone who is nearer your parents age that your age may I offer a little advice? It may be that your parents are finding it hard to express how they feel. For instance your Dad may actually be scared of dying and is using your leaving as an excuse to talk about it ... next time he says something morbid then come back with a positive ... e.g. well let's make an appointment to see your GP and get you an MOT so that you can stop worrying and start planning your trip to see us.

Another for instance (in EmmaJay's case) - "what are we going to do on Monday night" translates to "We are really going to miss seeing you guys on Monday night - we really enjoy our time with you then" - a comeback might be - well let's set up Mondays as our time to chat on Skype or we'll send you an email on that day with some pictures taken at the weekend or .......

This is slightly backwards for me as it was us who left but .... when I left England I also left my son who was 31 at the time - it was very hard and I found it difficult to express how I felt about it. Being younger and growing up in - oh I don't know - let's say "different times" he is more open about his feelings and so he often started conversations that I maybe wouldn't have done. I remember one occasion when he said "I'll miss you Mum but you mustn't worry about leaving me - you have brought me up to be independent and given me great advice on how to deal with things, I'll be fine. You have to go and enjoy your life now".... It opened the door to talk about all sorts of things - practical and emotional - and when we left we knew that we could leave him without any worries .... Miss him loads but we talk a lot on Skype and I know he is happy and settled, which speaking as a parent is a HUGE thing.

Don't forget they may also be worried sick that you are going through such a huge move without them (think about how hard it is for parents to say goodbye to their five year old at the school door .... or go out for their first solo bike ride?)

On another note - age - my MIL has been an inspiration. Until we moved to Canada she hadn't set foot outside the UK. We took her on a trip to Canada before we moved so that she knew where we would be living and, more importantly, how airlines worked so that she would be confident when she came out to see us. She enjoyed the flight ... a couple of Baileys helped her enjoy it a little more although found it quite tiring. We spent three weeks touring around, looking at houses, going for job interviews and she was with us every step of the way. She loved it ... oh and at that time she was 86. She has just gone back after a two week visit and her last words to me were "See you next year!" .... She'll be 90 next year!!!

Hope that helps a little .... don't be too hard on your parents ... they love you really - it's just sometimes they can't say it

J

I think that your Dad has had a bit of a realisation of his own mortality recently if he's lost a younger brother. There comes a time (according to my mum - who's nearly 70) when close friends (and family) start to die and it shakes you up a bit, and makes you think about the possibility that you may be next. This is probably what your Dad is going through right now, and it'll probably pass over the next few months.

The positive things for you are that your parents are obviously travellers, and like to get away from it all now and again, as well as not being so clingy with you and your family that they absolutely have to spend every Christmas with you etc etc....both of these things make me think that eventually they'll probably be fine with your emigration.

I also think there's something to be said for getting all these negative feelings out before the event. So many of us on here have the same issues with our families not wanting us to leave, and making us feel as low as can be about moving abroad and leaving them behind. By the same token, lots of families then come around to the idea and things work out fine, even if it takes a few years!
Personally, our families seemed totally fine with our emigration plans and were very encouraging and happy for us to go. Now, a year down the line, my 'very supportive at the time' mum is now crying weekly on Skype saying she wishes we were back there and she misses us dreadfully!
I'm sure had she been totally honest with us before we went, she would have time to work it through and would find it easier now.... I know my mum isn't well at the moment and hasn't been for some time....nothing life threatening but a long term niggling problem that is getting her down. It makes me feel crappy at times, but I think long term she'll be okay. She's a traveller and is always going on holiday to exotic places, but is saying that seeing us only once a year isn't enough and how she can't afford to come more often (oh really? but she's just booked 2 holidays to Europe for next Spring....go figure)

Chin up...I'm sure all will be well. Families eh?

Hi
I have read a lot of posts about parents etc not being to happy about their kids moving to Canada, how bloomin selfish these people are, how bloomin horrible for them to give you a guilt trip! Really gets me this sort of attitude. Me personally I would tell your dad . . . . well lets say I have a few choice words for him. I would not care about this silly selfish attitude and just blatantly point out that it would be his loss not yours, just simply give him your number and tell him that there is a bed available should he want to visit! I have had this for years with my wifes mother and father, we moved around a bit and lived in some far away places, the father in law once made a comment about us not visiting I simply pointed out the my house was the same distance as his house! We visited once sometimes twice a year, he has never been to our house in 18 years! Now he only mentions it when Iam not around!

This is very good advice.

Logic does seem to dictate that, if they'd been better parents who helped you become emotionally and psychologically content and guided you into such a successful and satisfying career, with deep roots in the community that you'd never consider emigrating to another country, its their fault.

Its going to be a tough call to leave the parents. In 1996 me & now ex-hubby moved to Canada - 6 months later my MIL dropped dead in U.K. She was the youngest of both our parents - completely unexpected. Destroyed us - now divorced & that what it stems from.

Just be warned - it can & does happen. You need to be prepared for the worst as well as the good times.

Anyway, if I was you I would do a recce/holiday to Canada (prior to moving over) AND take the parents with you. Time it if you can to good weather, plan the trip. You may be lucky & find parents want to move over after you. Good luck