A test to far
 

This whole immigration process has been somewhat testing.
The plan was to be in Ottawa by August.
So hubby left in May to get ready for our arrival.
I sent off passport off today and was even debating of i should book flight tickets over the next few days.
SHOCK HORROR.
Talking to hubby tonight and he tells me that he doesnt think our marriage is strong enough to survive. He feels honored to let me and the kids come to Canada as he seduced me with the idea 6 years ago.
I very calmly told him to make sure he knows what is saying and if this is really what he wants then i wont bother booking very expensive plane tickets.
I cant cry as the children are around.
He is my best friend and although our marriage wasnt perfect i was happy, obviously that wasnt enough.
I have told him to call me in a few days to confirm his feelings.
Oh my god .. the icing on the cake.
The kids suitcases are ready, they have told their friends, everyone as work got excited for me today and what do i tell my family.
shit

Re: A test to far
 

Massive giant hugs being sent to you. xxx

Re: A test to far
 

I'm so sorry to hear that. :( I really do hope that when he phones he'll have thought about things and realised that he does want to stay married to you.

Perhaps he's just let the stress of everything get on top of him. Have you not seen him since May? That would put stress on even the happiest of relationships I would think.

I hope you can both work it out, sending cyber hugs to you.

Re: A test to far
 

First off, I'm so sorry. What a shock for you. Secondly, you've been apart since May which is a long time. I think you should go over and try to have another go at it - your husband has distanced himself from you and your children and I think you need to get yourselves under his nose again so that he can see what he will be missing if you do split up. Also, don't let him take the easy option of a long-distance divorce where you have to deal with all of the fallout and he just gets the sanitised end-of-the-phone version. Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best of luck and I'm sure lots of people will be on giving you much better advice than mine.

Re: A test to far
 

Wow.

Just looking at some of your other thread starters. You're not getting things easy are you.:(

Maybe he's feeling insecure through you being apart, especially with what happened previously with the Russian ex.

Thoughts with you.

Re: A test to far
 

{{{{{{{GREAT BIG CYBER HUG, SAS-LOU}}}}}}}
x

Re: A test to far
 

Talking to hubby tonight and he tells me that he doesnt think our marriage is strong enough to survive. He feels honored to let me and the kids come to

Sas-Lou - thats sucks! Sorry. He has been "doing as he pleases" since May and therefore has had no-one to think of or stop him (not that we intentionally do it but when married you have to think of more than yourself on a daily/hourly basis).

I think (my opinion is worthless but I had to reply) what is not right is that he has waited until you have got to near the end of the process to tell you this bombshell that he will honour his "come on out" but does'nt think your relationship will survive. I just don't get it? Im sure as a Woman your first thought is the same as mine!!!

I agree with some of the other posts - you need to all go - the children need to see their father for first off - but at least you can have a heart to heart when they have gone to bed. Perhaps then face to face he may just realise that he misses you completely and was being a silly sod - I do hope so.

Hugs to you - don't not go - spend the money - give your marriage that, if you return then your husband can be the one to explain to you all why!

I may sound a horrible moo but - as someone else said - its all too easy you not going out.

N

Re: A test to far
 

So sorry, can't offer any advice but thinking of you and hope you can work something out.x

Re: A test to far
 

Thank you, he has offered to send me some money back as all of our savings are in Canada now, but i dont care about the money.
I want my husband .. i hope you right .. i hope he is just being silly and not thinking straight. I thought distance made the heart grow stronger. Im going to kill him .. well not really, just a punch in the arm, not that im a violent person or anything.

Aint i had to deal with enough drama to last a lifetime.

Re: A test to far
 

IME distance does anything but make the heart grow stronger. I think you need to get out there. But also, take any money he gives you, don't turn it down as you may need it and getting child support out of him (if the worst comes to the worst) could get extremely complicated. Also, you may want to start recording conversations?

Re: A test to far
 

Typically heartless response follows.

You're going to have to care about the money. And, assuming you've been together a total of two years, I think you're going to have move to Ontario, however briefly. Ontario divorce laws are very supportive of women with children (technically the non-working partner with children) and anyway he's undertaken to sponsor you here so you have a good case to claim indefinite support. If you stay there, you're going to have a big problem collecting anything.

You might want to get some advice here: http://www.epsteincole.com/

Re: A test to far
 

Bless you Sas-Lou.

Go and good luck - I hope it all works out I really do x

It will be a chat of all chats - but one you have to have.

I wish you all the strength in the world xxxxx

Re: A test to far
 

I have to say I agree with Sinope, I think if it was me I'd just try and get out there - ending a marriage should not be done over the telephone, he needs to see you face to face to talk things through properly.

Can you fly out there as soon as you get your passport back as planned and then ask him to at least give it a few months of you living together again?

Good luck.

Re: A test to far
 

Were those his words exactly that he doesn't think your marriage is strong enough to survive? I ask because that seems a strange thing to say. You love him and to you your marriage seemed like a normal marriage. None are perfect as there are no perfect human beings. Six months apart is a long time and during that time anything could have happened, including depression on his part at the loneliness that comes from suddenly being single again.

I agree with others, finish packing, book your flights, advise him when you are coming and when to pick you up at the airport. Marriages can be saved but only if you work together to save them and that can only be done in person.

Wishing you the best and a happy solution to this crisis for you both.

Re: A test to far
 

That's a horrible thing to happen. I can only only offer two pieces of advice.

1) Do what Rete said.

2) If that doesn't work, do what dbd said (he's not heartless; he is rational).

I hope option 1 works.

Re: A test to far
 

hi Sas-Lou,

So sorry to hear this, right near the end of the process.

Cannot really offer any advice, but I would agree with others to go over there as soon as you are able and to speak to him face to face about this, I feel it is a bit of a get out on his part to try and do this over the phone, just my opinion.

lots of hugs, hope it works out for you and your little ones:)

Re: A test to far
 

We are so sad to hear this. Best advice we can offer is you need to see him face to face. You might be surprised once he is in your company again!
Hope it all works out for you

Re: A test to far
 

Wow what a coward...sorry thats the only wasy i can describe this guy.
Waiting till the last minute...
hey babe screw him for all he,s worth and thats coming from a man that pays $1600 a month alimoney:o
Is he a Brit or Kanuk:confused:

Re: A test to far
 

What an awful thing to be going through.

If I may ask.....did he explain what he meant by "not strong enough to survive" ? If it's just the distance, are you able to make the move sooner?

I too think he is being so unfair telling you over the phone. I hope you have family and/ or good friends to be with you.

Virtual hugs sent :wub:

Linda

Re: A test to far
 

Sas Lou

Just go to Ottawa with the kids don't make it easy for him to shy away from his responsibilities.

It is your dream too.

big hugs:wub:
Ruby

Re: A test to far
 

What a godawful thing to happen. I feel for you I really do.

I am pretty cynical and have my suspicions about why he wants you to fly out and that's so he can have access to the kids. If you stay in Britain and he stays in Ontario then obviously he doesn't. So he may think differently about staying in Canada, he may still want to split up though. It's one thing getting to Ontario to get financial support but this is something you need your friends and family around you, to get you through it.

Make him send all the money over he can, do it while he is feeling guilty. My guess is that he has met someone and loves young dream and hormones are clouding his judgement. Get him to fly back to the UK and then he will see how hard it is to leave the children again.

I hope it works out for you. Dont worry about what people think. Shitty things like this have a habit of sorting out the good friends from the wasters.

Re: A test to far
 

OMG ..

Hubby isnt the childrens biological father .. i took that one to court to get the residence order and removal from the jurisdiction .. hubby has been in our lives since 2002.

"not strong enough to survive" 2 reasons (i should go on oprah) not enough sex lol and he was to dependant on me and being alone for 5 months well he has had to do things for himself ..

We do behave more like best friends than a married couple, and we are somewhat different people with similar views if that makes sense .. but i thought that was a good thing .. i dont know .. we shall see what comes of it ..

Oh he's Canadian and he wouldnt dare dream of seeing someone else .. i would come to canada alone just to beat the living shit out of him then get deported ..

Re: A test to far
 

That's just awful, I really feel for you. I think you should still go, talk face to face, but look into all your options, as dbd suggested.

Good luck, hope it all works out for you.

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Life is complicated. Get what you can out him while he's feeling guilty.

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Me and my wife are best friends and we spend all our time together when I am not away with my work, its worked for over 18yrs. I am away for long periods every other year and it is always a strain on both of us. As soon as we are together it all falls into place! However if I left her she would take every penny and beat the s**t out of me.
I still believe what I said earlier you need to get a face to face with him then you will know if it will work
Best of luck

Re: A test to far
 

Not enough sex, well didn't he realise that was going to happen before he left for Canada. Phone sex can be highly underrated too. As for being dependant on you and having to do things for himself, how's he going to manage if you aren't going to be with him?

I personally think he's just going through a rough patch and needs some self-confidence. Give him a chance, I think your relationship is worth it. Plus it's harder to beat the crap back into him from 3,500 miles away.

The OH and I have similar interests but not totally, it gives us stuff we can do together, and stuff for alone time so we don't smother each other. I hope you get to work it out.

Re: A test to far
 

I am so sorry to hear of your problems:(
I just want to wish you the best of luck and happiness.

and oh yeah:frown:

What a cowardly ba####d he is !!

Sorry:huh:

Re: A test to far
 

What a thing to happen!

Personally I agree with the others though ... get yourselves out there and give it some time to see if he comes around. :thumbup:

I also feel that Dbd's advice is eminently appropiate, because in the end you have to look after yourself and the kids, if he persists in being a silly sod! :frown:

Re: A test to far
 

Maybe I'm being daft, and admittedly I only have 6 years of marriage under my belt so I'm certainly no expert, but isn't it a good thing if you're best friends? What does he expect, mad passion for the rest of his life?!? Ain't gonna happen!

I'm lucky enough that I'm still 'in love' with my husband, and vice versa, but I'm also realistic enough to know that at some point that will disappear, whether it's in a year or twenty years, and then we will need the strong foundation of our being best friends to survive. Sex won't come into the equation much when you're 60/70/80 but being best friends will. Tell him to get a grip, realise that sex is not the be all and end all of a marriage and you have far more positive things going for you in your marriage than your sex life.

For me, love is not that important in a marriage. Friendship, respect, shared values, beliefs and background are far more important - 'being in love' doesn't last forever but those things do.

It reminds me of the Captain Corelli's Mandolin passage (which we had read at our wedding and we now have engraved on a plaque which hangs above our bed!):

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being "in love" has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two."

Sorry to quote text at you but this really does remind me of it. I can't believe he's prepared to give up on a marriage for those reasons. Remind him of his wedding vows 'for better, for worse' etc. He needs to realise that marriage needs working at and that you stand a chance of fixing things if you're there with him (and going for counselling together maybe?).

I really do wish you the very best of luck, fight for your marriage and don't let him give up you from the other side of the Atlantic!

Re: A test to far
 

So sorry Sas-lou you have had a rocky road eh,
Well i agree with the others get out there asap either way you need to sort this out, if your marriage is worth fighting for then go and fight for it hun xx

Get those tickets booked,

wish you all the very best :wub:

Re: A test to far
 

I don't think that the Ontario courts are interested in who is the biological father; you've been with the Canadian for six years, you can collect child (and probably spousal) support from him as well as 50% or more of whatever assets he currently has. It's not obvious that you have another means of supporting your children so I think you have to pursue this.

If I'm being unduly harsh in assuming that he's found new interests in Canada and would like you all to quietly fade away I apologise; I tend to think like a man.

Re: A test to far
 

Thank you ever so much for your advice ..

I wont take him for everything .. money isnt everything ..

That passage was beautiful .. i will quote that to him ..

After speaking a little more last night and me asking him who's he F***ing, obviously very angry .. he told me that although he loves me, its as a best friend and not how he should love his wife .. so anyway he mentined that he had considered ringing my mum a few times to get some advice (mum on 3rd marriage) so i've asked her to come round tonight and call him ..

At the end of the day .. if he wants me still then great .. if he doesnt, i'll move on, and he knows that .. i will do better ..

Re: A test to far
 

Exactly how stupid is this man? He says he loves you and you're his best friend - what else does he expect from a marriage?!? I know several married couples that aren't even friends, never mind best friends.

Seems to me he's got ridiculously high expectations for marriage and that actually, he's got a pretty good one without even realising it. Is he expecting passion and romance the whole way through your married life over the next 50 years?! :blink:

Sorry but it's just making me cross on your behalf! He took vows and unless something major happens to break those vows (i.e. you suddenly decide you want to become a man or start abusing him etc) then how can he justify not even trying to save his marriage? Counselling may well make a huge difference and help you both regain some kind of 'spark' if that's he feels is really missing. But I have to say, if that's all that's bothering him, he's still got it pretty good! He needs to realise that a good marriage takes work - something he appears to not be prepared to do.

Perhaps point him in the direction of this thread and he can read the responses for himself and hopefully realise what an arse he's being!

Re: A test to far
 

I'm probably being unduly harsh too, but having been on the receiving end of this crap a couple of times I recognise some phrases. "Loves you like a friend" is on a par with "i'm too good for you" and "you deserve better" Men generally behave badly so that you do the dumping and then it's not his responsibility. He's waiting for you to say you have had enough. This will save him from feeling guilty. If he says there wasn't enough sex, and some sex is better than none, then he has found a new supplier. He's being a prat, let him make the decisions, if you want him back then don't be needy, men hate needy.

Re: A test to far
 

OMG, I'd say the last thing you need is a third party (even one who is also your mum) to complicate things. I don't think this can be resolved over the phone. At the least it is letting your husband off the hook and he really needs to be faced with the pain that you're feeling. He is insulated from the reality of what he is doing right now. You need to talk this over face to face.

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I'm also not sure what relationship advice he wants to hear from someone who has been divorced at least twice. (and I'm sure your mum is lovely, but even so).

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Agree with Sinope,

Get your mum to have the kids or sort something out and get on that plane tomorrow hun, or are your passports still at CIC ?

Get him to be honest with you thats the least you deserve sas xx

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Ok lets not turn this thread into a MEN basher:o please
Lets face this guy has washed his hands of her:thumbdown: and taken the cowardly route,so no matter of talkingh will get him back:(
Its move on time,and as others have said ,he owes you money so get it back..

Re: A test to far
 

It maay not be as black and white as that i have been in a sim position as far as being away and thinking there was nothing there, took a while but we got back on track and no one else was involved at that time,

Marriage should be something worth fighting for if you love them x

Re: A test to far
 

I wasnt expecting so many responses but thanks for your honesty.

He was fine talking to my mum, she was just surprised about how calm i'm being about it.

As my passports are now in London, he's looking to come over in the next few weeks as long as he can get time off work.

I honestly dont know where to go from here, if i leave everything behind and make this marriage work to his standards and it fails then im in Canada with 2 kids and no safety net. That safety net is around me now in England (in regards to rented house, furniture and family etc).

I only wish he'd tell me what HE wants now as i just get angry/calm/sad/bitchy when talking to him.

I will get some money back off him.

And no, lets not man bash .. Hubby was a great cook and he was mine.

Its funny you type and read it over and you realise what your writing and i've just realised i wrote "his standards". says it all.