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Telling Family you are emigrating

Telling Family you are emigrating

Old Sep 4th 2006, 11:51 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by burton bunch

Everyones comments meant something to me and it also made me realise I was not alone in this world of leaving my mom behind

You are absolutely not alone. Well done for having the courage to provide what you feel is best for your children, and your mum may well come round to your way of thinking in the end.
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Old Sep 4th 2006, 10:22 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by AnnetteM
Just to give you my experience, which is over 30 years ago. My Mum and Dad knew all about our plans, but probably didn't believe we'd do it. Eventually, we got the visas and set June 1st as our date to leave the UK. My dad died suddenly on Feb 28th, he was only 62. My sister had a falling out with my Mum, which left only my brother who lives 2 hours away, and me. I told my Mum I wasn't going to leave her. She said, you have to go, you may never get another chance. And we did, with breaking hearts. She came to visit a couple of times and loved it here. And after 5 years, we went back to visit her pretty much every year, until she died two years ago at the ripe old age of 90. We stayed close by phone and our visits. She never, ever said anything negative about us leaving until more recent years, when she realised we were staying in Canada after all, so she'd say "why don't you come home", to which I'd have to say, "Canada is my home, Mum". For my children, I never regretted our decision, but to this day, especially after Mum died, I have so many regrets over the hurt and pain she must have felt. And worse, I did not make it back to see her before she died. I arrived a day late.

So, I guess my feeling is please make your peace with your mother. Go ahead with your plans, but stay in constant contact with her, see her as often as possible. Don't let her dictate to you, just understand that lashing out is her way, she's hurting. I know if my daughter took my grandchildren away from me now, it would break my heart. So just imagine how your Mum must be feeling. Go easy with her, and don't end up with regrets.

I know that's mixed messages, but you can make it work.
Your situation was very similar to how mine is now. We had decided to emigrate - hubby fancied Oz, I fancied Canada. (Hubby has never travelled. I lived in Oz for 18 mths & loved it, but like the look of Canada. Probably very naive of me having never been there, but I am currently researching it, so watch this space...)
Anyway, my Dad (65) is now really unwell. They are both really supportive of us going away, but I would feel SO bad if something awful happened to him. I'm really close to them, I have two sisters, one of whom sees them a bit and the other doesn't at all. I am the closest one to them.
They've been married since they were 17 & 18 - ran away to Gretna - a real love story! My mum would basically be alone if the worst happened.
Now, she's a strong bird and wouldn't begrudge me, but the problem would be with me. I would feel BAD. I don't know if I'd cope with that. I know what it's like to be really homesick and it's not good. She has already told me that we must live our lives & do what is best for our kids etc.
They also wished they'd gone to US years ago, but due to health insurance issues with my mum (she had a huge op years ago and is on continuous meds) they didn't or that was the excuse anyway!
The advantage of Canada over Oz is the flight time. I don't think that's an horrendous flight at all, it is do-able!
So now I'm droning on, completely off of OP's thread. Sorry.
I don't have an answer for you. But I do agree with mending all bridges (if poss) before you go, guilt isn't nice.
All the best x
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Old Sep 4th 2006, 10:35 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Liana
From my limited experience on this board it appears that most of the posters are actually quite young and having been there and in the situation I am in today, probably older than many of you, the giving wings to fly to ones children is very heart breaking- if they decide to fly long distance.

The British economy in the 1970s to the early 80s was a nightmare and Canada had economic stability and we found decent paying jobs here. Families were very supportive - their thrill was being able to come and visit us here every year and nothing negative was said. They had given us the wings to fly here.

As time has gone by though, the close relatives are alone in the UK and with their only children abroad, it is tough for us both. They need help and we can't give them it- can we bring them here - no, they are too old and just want to stay where they are. They did not impose any sanctions on us so why would we force them to do something they do not want to do?

So, living here, we are not able to help our closest and dearest. That is awful. Worse is seeing my neighbours bringing their parents around for Sunday dinner. Lovely for them, but my heart breaks when I see that I cannot do that for ours. We take our vacation time to visit them every year and go across when there are emergencies- more and more of those. It can be very stressful.

Our children grew up with visits in the summer and occasionally a Christmas visit but not the normal family connections, and they don't seem to have the same connections that we had with our grandparents and family, despite writing letters to all of them every week and speaking on the phone regularly. That is also the same with other British friends. All our children seem to have the wandering genes and move around much more then our neighbours' and friends' children.

My point is that if you want to come to Canada somehow try and persuade your parents to come for long periods- even pay for their tickets- good Christmas and birthday gifts in our experience. It may be expensive but it is worth every penny. Some British friends have bought a summer cottage and the grandparents come here for 6 months and that is great for the kids because the grandparents are effectively living here. Wish we had been able to do that and planned in advance. Now the relatives might also feel a connection here.

The final knife in the heart was, when speaking to a dying aunt, she told me how happy she always was to see me back, as my leaving the family had in fact devastated all of them, though they did not want to upset me. She thought that as we were happy and had a good life we would now accept knowing that, but I also think she wanted to finally let me know how sad our parents had been for all those years. I am not angry with her - she obviously dealt with the stress of my parents being on their own.

Obviously my desire to help our parents is mine - others may not feel that way but this time in life suddenly comes upon us.. If we had thought about everyone getting older we would probably had planned a better solution. So bear that in mind - if you do come here and leave sad parents, think about them as they are getting older. One of my friends now has to go back to UK for 2 months 4 times a year to help her mother. A sibling fills in with the other time - but stressful for everyone.

Life is hard going back and forth and making decisions on the phone with the consultants (if they now accept speaking to you because of the new privacy laws) and the social workers and cleaners and neighbours. It is a blessing when you can be there for them and the lesser of the stressful situations. And think, who will be there for you when you are old?
Great post x
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Old Sep 4th 2006, 10:51 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Gee don't families suck sometimes! I'm OK because my dad knows we're going to try and get over and he's come round really quickly after the initial shock. Turns out he made an application himself many many moons ago (he's 74 now) but changed his mind so he kind of understands where we are coming from.

MIL - completely different story. When we went out to Edmonton at Easter and told her it was in relation to employment she just made OH feel soooo guilty. Did the complete martyr bit through tears Then sent a card to our home saying Welcome Back & your pets have missed you! We weren't even here, we were still out there!!!!!

This time we've told her nada and I ain't being the one to break the news if (please God, please God, pretty please and everything ) it does work out for us this time. It will certainly be hell on earth.

I'm sure all the parents want what's best their children really - they are just scared of change. So I really hope all of you suffering offspring can make it work with your families somehow.

Take care all.

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Old Sep 4th 2006, 11:10 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Can I just say one other thing as, while I was typing my last post some very touching comments have come in and my post seems a bit flip now

We moved over 400 miles away from our parents the day after we got married, again because of an employment opportunity. Two years after we moved I found out my mum had cancer but couldn't go home because of hubbys work etc and she wouldn't have let me anyway - my place was by his side in her eyes. However we travelled back and forth a few times over the next two years but we were a young family and money was tight so we couldn't go as often as I would have liked. Then when I was 18 weeks pregnant with my second child mum became much worse. I went to see her, then we had to come back because of a commitment. Two days later we travelled back up again. By the time I got there mum had died.

Although mum was devastated when I first moved away I know she understood our reasons why and she too wanted a better life for us and our children. We always stayed in touch and I am very much in touch with my dad, we talk twice a week for at least an hour each time. Distance is difficult, but distance in this country can be every bit as far, under some circumstances, as another country. I only hope that when the time comes I can show my children the brave and unselfish love my parents have shown me.
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Old Sep 4th 2006, 11:15 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Fionhun
Gee don't families suck sometimes!
You're not wrong! Half the reason we're moving is to get away from family politics / issues. My side of the family (Jase) really support what we're doing and are encouraging us to make the move. They admit they'll miss us but can't wait to visit!!

Heth's family are completely disinterested. I think until Heth got her job offer they thought it would never happen! They still don't seem too fussed, however, and don't seem particularly pleased for us! Heth's brothers are planning to come and stay with us - which is nice, and we'll look forward to that.

We've planned a Christmas break to France staying in Log Cabins and Skiing. We've invited all our friends and family to stay. Loads of our friends and my family are desperate to come (and have booked!), as it will be our last Christmas in the UK, and very different from our normal Christmas at home. Heth's family and parents (who are significantly more "well off" than mine) have said that it's "not their thing" and "would rather spend the money on something else". One of Heth's brothers was keen, but didn't want to make the trip without the rest of his family. To say we're a little disappointed, especially after the amount of effort just the Christmas thing has taken to organise (nevermind the move to Canada!) would be a massive understatement.

Thankfully most of our friends have all said that they will take the time to make the visit. Thankfully cheap flights have made it more of a reality as many of our friends don't earn a lot, and it will be a significantly expensive holiday for them. We really appreciate it!

To family and friends.
Cheers.
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Old Sep 5th 2006, 7:36 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by JaseAndHeth
You're not wrong! Half the reason we're moving is to get away from family politics / issues. My side of the family (Jase) really support what we're doing and are encouraging us to make the move. They admit they'll miss us but can't wait to visit!!

Heth's family are completely disinterested. I think until Heth got her job offer they thought it would never happen! They still don't seem too fussed, however, and don't seem particularly pleased for us! Heth's brothers are planning to come and stay with us - which is nice, and we'll look forward to that.

We've planned a Christmas break to France staying in Log Cabins and Skiing. We've invited all our friends and family to stay. Loads of our friends and my family are desperate to come (and have booked!), as it will be our last Christmas in the UK, and very different from our normal Christmas at home. Heth's family and parents (who are significantly more "well off" than mine) have said that it's "not their thing" and "would rather spend the money on something else". One of Heth's brothers was keen, but didn't want to make the trip without the rest of his family. To say we're a little disappointed, especially after the amount of effort just the Christmas thing has taken to organise (nevermind the move to Canada!) would be a massive understatement.

Thankfully most of our friends have all said that they will take the time to make the visit. Thankfully cheap flights have made it more of a reality as many of our friends don't earn a lot, and it will be a significantly expensive holiday for them. We really appreciate it!

To family and friends.
Cheers.
Hi Jase

What do we do with these disinterested family members ????

I have decided to be strong but firm with people who present this negative attitude towards our move to Canada - if they come see us ok if they dont I have decided to have a "your loss" attitude. This way I think that they may change their view with time and if they don't it's "their loss".

Who could tell anyone that East Manchester is better to live in than Canada - they must be mad !!

Gaynor
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Old Sep 5th 2006, 9:43 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by burton bunch
Hi Jase

What do we do with these disinterested family members ????

I have decided to be strong but firm with people who present this negative attitude towards our move to Canada - if they come see us ok if they dont I have decided to have a "your loss" attitude. This way I think that they may change their view with time and if they don't it's "their loss".

Who could tell anyone that East Manchester is better to live in than Canada - they must be mad !!

Gaynor
I think you're spot on! We could (and have briefly) got caught up in negative feelings towards their attitude and that makes about as much sense as their attitude in the first place! We really are hoping to get away from family politics and dramas. We're making the move for us, not them. If they cannot be happy for us, well then that's a shame, but it really shouldn't affect us or our looking forward to our new lives in Canada. I am certain they will visit us, but suspect that we will be able to do little to change their preconceived attitudes and feelings towards Canada.

Interestingly, they were heavily against us moving North in the first place (we're both originally from Sandhurst, in the Reading area)! We both work in Manchester and live just outside in North Manchester - and we love it! All of our brothers and sisters (on both sides) have also made the move North for University - they love it too! Manchester has changed so drastically over the past five years and it's a vibrant, young growing city. Every city has bad bits, and Manchester has really struggled to turn itself around. East Manchester now looks lovely with all the regeneration, and has some of the strongest house prices in the city! We certainly can't afford them! It's an exciting place to be! We will really miss Manchester and all it has to offer, and just regret that we haven't sampled it all - yet!!

Vancouver is a very different place. The culture and outdoor nature really attract us both. It certainly feels like there is more opportunity for us in Canada, and it's the sort of place we can imagine settling and raising a family. Both Heth and I feel homesick and desperate to return to the UK at the end of any extended holiday we've been on. When we came back from holiday in Canada we both agreed that it was the first place that we've ever been where we weren't desperate to return, and that, by the end of the holiday, almost felt like home! We started making plans to move as soon as we got back! We've both visited much of Europe (especially the Med) and many of the States in the US. The USA did not appeal - it feels VERY different to Canada.

I personally think (and I may be seriously alone here!) that the UK is a good blend of Europe and the USA with a bias towards Europe (though maybe that's shifting?). Canada feels similar in some respects to the UK but with the bias more towards North America. Both countries are distinct and manage to pick the best bits of their own and other cultures.

Hopefully when family and friends visit they too will fall in love with what we've found in Canada. Hopefully, however, they won't make the move!!
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Old Sep 5th 2006, 10:18 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Liana
From my limited experience on this board it appears that most of the posters are actually quite young and having been there and in the situation I am in today, probably older than many of you, the giving wings to fly to ones children is very heart breaking- if they decide to fly long distance.

So, living here, we are not able to help our closest and dearest. That is awful. Worse is seeing my neighbours bringing their parents around for Sunday dinner. Lovely for them, but my heart breaks when I see that I cannot do that for ours. We take our vacation time to visit them every year and go across when there are emergencies- more and more of those. It can be very stressful.

Our children grew up with visits in the summer and occasionally a Christmas visit but not the normal family connections, and they don't seem to have the same connections that we had with our grandparents and family, despite writing letters to all of them every week and speaking on the phone regularly. That is also the same with other British friends. All our children seem to have the wandering genes and move around much more then our neighbours' and friends' children.

My point is that if you want to come to Canada somehow try and persuade your parents to come for long periods- even pay for their tickets- good Christmas and birthday gifts in our experience. It may be expensive but it is worth every penny. Some British friends have bought a summer cottage and the grandparents come here for 6 months and that is great for the kids because the grandparents are effectively living here. Wish we had been able to do that and planned in advance. Now the relatives might also feel a connection here.

And think, who will be there for you when you are old?
This is a great post. I have no doubt that we will miss our family and friends deeply. The old cliche "the world is getting smaller" has never been more true and we'd never really considered the distance an insurmountable barrier. Your post strengthens our resolve to ensure that time and effort is made to bring family and friends out to Canada, and for us to return to the UK.

At this stage of our lives we are both still young and wanting to carve a future a little more unique and different for ourselves. We are relishing the prospect and challenges of moving to and settling in Canada. The changes we are making are nowhere near as significant as those other members are. There are just the two of us (+ Mylo, the dog!) and we're at the stage where our careers haven't really taken off just yet and can easily suffer change. There is little to tie us back to the UK. Those of you bringing young families and careers with you have my respect and admiration. I can't imagine how much more difficult and complex that must be, especially with the added emotional ties of grandparents and not just parents.

I firmly believe that it is important to travel and see new cultures. It gives us all a greater insight into who we are and (hopefully) makes us more tollerant of our differences (Japan CERTAINLLY did for me. Fish - eughck!). Travelling need not be abroad - you can find much diversity within your own country (the UK's North / South divide really does exist - it's better (no, not just wetter!) up here in the North, but the South don't know it!). One of my colleagues really admires, and I suspect resents both Heth and I because he has lived within 4 miles of his birth place all his life. That's not to say he hasn't travelled and seen the world, but he has not experienced the variety just the UK can offer, and feels like he's missed out on those challenges and opportunities. A young family and established career now make him feel like he no longer has those opportunities or choices available to him/them.

So? What's my point. I don't know. Lost the thread... It's important to travel... ?

Thank you Liana for your insight. I appreciate that it is difficult for family to "give wings to fly" and that perhaps, whilst their response may be interpreted by us as indifference, it is an emotional response of fear and anticipation of our leaving. Whether or not they are truely happy for us will remain to be seen, but I appreciate the difficulty in letting go. You have certainly highlighted the importance of making opportunities available for visits, and whilst our parents are in good health at the moment, we need to be aware of the stress that will result from our distance in later life. It is difficult to know how to make any provisions for such events, except to ensure that we always have savings on hand to fly back to the UK "at the drop of a hat" if needed. Sunday lunch is not a tradition we've had now for many years, though I have fond memories, and will no doubt yearn for family when feeling lost/alone in Canada. Christmas and birthdays are important and we have agreed that we will try to alternate each year between Canada and the UK with family and friends.

Thank you for your posts. It is easy to get too wrapped up in how we're feeling and forget that family/friends aren't feeling so positive at the prospect of losing us. Of course with time I am sure they'll realise that it's not that far. In fact, I suspect we will see more of them in Canada than we ever did in the UK!!

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Old Sep 5th 2006, 11:19 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

I find it really interesting how parents seem to be much, much more dependant (emotionally) on their adult children than the children are on their parents. I wonder why this is?

Maybe because the parents are older and their children are their main interest now and they like to feel needed, but the children are just thinking about their future. Maybe it's a biological bond that makes you love your children greatly as you are there to take care of them from the beginning, but are not required to take care of your parents until they are very old....maybe we are all equally emotionally dependant but we are just a generation of wanderers!

I don't know....never had kids so very hard for me to understand!
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Old Sep 5th 2006, 12:31 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by H143
I find it really interesting how parents seem to be much, much more dependant (emotionally) on their adult children than the children are on their parents. I wonder why this is?

Maybe because the parents are older and their children are their main interest now and they like to feel needed, but the children are just thinking about their future. Maybe it's a biological bond that makes you love your children greatly as you are there to take care of them from the beginning, but are not required to take care of your parents until they are very old....maybe we are all equally emotionally dependant but we are just a generation of wanderers!

I don't know....never had kids so very hard for me to understand!
That's the thing with parents. At some point you have to let them go and make their own choices...
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Old Sep 5th 2006, 1:08 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Lol. That's exactly what it feels like, doesn't it?! I feel like I am the parent half of the time, worrying about whether they are happy or not, whether they need taking care of, whether they will be alright on their own...
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Old Mar 1st 2007, 6:54 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Hi,

We told my other halfs Mum and Sister and they were delighted and said when can we book our holiday? Haven't told my side yet but planning to soon. I'm lucky because they've always been happy when I'm happy and I feel it'll go ok, they will still be sad though but I know there all dying to go to Canada themselves.
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Old Mar 1st 2007, 9:25 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Hi all,
very hard, but needs to be sorted. Is your Mum on the internet, that way could be well worth getting webcam.

We have just started the process and have told most of the family and close friends. My wifes dad, was a bit taken back, because his son and family are emigrating soon (to Calgary), so when he found out we were going, he said he had to sit down for a while. He's ok now and has been out to Canmore twice in the last 6 months.

My Mum & Dad and sister said they were not that surprised when we mentioned it, because of my brother-in-law going. They all sad they are sad when they stop and think about it, but don't blame us at all. My Mum & Dad have said, that they are both 70 and coming to the end of their lives, we are in the middle of ours and a for the kids, they are just starting out, SO GO FOR IT!

I am glad we have told they from the very start, so they can go though the process with us. Mum and Dad have got a computer and Mum's always on it and has said they will get a webcam, for phone calls. Thay have all been on the internet to see about flights and have asked us to get a basement ready for everyone to come over and stay. My only worry now is, that we have told everybody and we end up not being exepted or struggle getting a good job and a nice house?

All I will say is just keep making the effort with your Mum, so when she sits down and thinks about whats happening, she knows that you will be there. Maybe show her where you are going, what sort of house you will be living in and the schools your kids are going to have?
Cheers for now
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Old Mar 2nd 2007, 12:00 am
  #105  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by daisylilymum View Post
The advantage of Canada over Oz is the flight time. I don't think that's an horrendous flight at all, it is do-able!
This is my thoughts on the flights - it just seems that bit easier from Canada than Oz


[/QUOTE]I don't have an answer for you. But I do agree with mending all bridges (if poss) before you go, guilt isn't nice.
All the best x[/QUOTE]

Things have gotten a little better as time goes on - think my step dad has alot to do with that as he is secretly backing our move to Canada the only problem with that is that it does cause friction between them both


Gaynor
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