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Telling Family you are emigrating

Telling Family you are emigrating

Old Aug 22nd 2006, 6:08 pm
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Default Telling Family you are emigrating

Have just come back from Canada with a job for my hubby and had to start to tell family and friends. WHAT A B£$%%Y NIGHTMARE!!!! :scared:

My mom has gone off like the atomic bomb and said some very hurtful things to me ending in us not talking to each other. THis is hurtful as I am an only one and being worried about her reaction spoilt the joy of my hubby getting the job and also the holiday I have just spent a fortune on.

What do I do now ? No intention of letting my mom's outburst stop us coming over there but she is my mom after all.

Just feel dreadful and just can't seem to pull myself up out of the depths of gloom.

Anyone else suffered with a bad reaction from parents
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 6:12 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

It has been abit strange for me as my parents dont seem that bothered and have already said who will by what stuff off us when we go... they must be bothered though. Husbands parents say they are happy for us but go rather quiet. Everyone will have different reactions... but mainly its down to them being upset you are going... everyong reacts and deals with things differently. I am sure your mum will come round soon and you shouldnt let it stop you. She will want whats best for you and only you and your family know what that is.
Good luck with it all.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 6:17 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by burton bunch
Have just come back from Canada with a job for my hubby and had to start to tell family and friends. WHAT A B£$%%Y NIGHTMARE!!!! :scared:

My mom has gone off like the atomic bomb and said some very hurtful things to me ending in us not talking to each other. THis is hurtful as I am an only one and being worried about her reaction spoilt the joy of my hubby getting the job and also the holiday I have just spent a fortune on.

What do I do now ? No intention of letting my mom's outburst stop us coming over there but she is my mom after all.

Just feel dreadful and just can't seem to pull myself up out of the depths of gloom.

Anyone else suffered with a bad reaction from parents

Hi Burton Bunch

Great news about the job

Terrible news about family reaction so sorry about this I hope it will be resolved quickly.

My parents have both passed away so I didn't have to go through it and my hubby's family aren't overjoyed and would think it's great if we were to change our minds (won't happen ) but they do understand and wish us luck thankfully so no horrible scenes for us.

Best of luck to you in your new life

Nicki
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 7:14 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Sorry to hear your mum took it so badly. It's very hard for parents. I know someone who's parents said they'd kill themselves if they moved abroad!

To look at the positive you know you mean an awful lot to your mum. Not everyone can say that. She would have only said those things because she was upset you're leaving.

Don't let it get you down though. After the initial shock I'm sure your mum will come round to the idea. Maybe you should explain to her all the reasons you want to go (emphasising the positive ones, not just that UK sucks! ) and how happy it will make you? When she sees your face light up I'm sure it will change her perspective on the whole thing. My parent miss me but they think it's great when I ring them and tell them how much I love Canada.

With all the ways of communicating with people these days and the cheap flights it won't be nearly as bad as your mum thinks.

Good luck. I hope you manage to sort things out a bit.

Hayley
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 7:18 pm
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Unhappy Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Mrs G here - Ahhh this is the bane of my life. Rae's parents have supported our decision. However my parents have gone...... there are no words for it utterly against the idea is a short version. I have been the worst daughter in the world since october when I started looking into moving to Canada. All the hurtful comments still come now and you wait for the next one to stab you in the back and twist and turn. Make you feel selfish (when its not us its them). Make you feel as you are the worst person in the world. I can top any parents comments with my own. Betya. Gone through the not speaking point a few times, always me that makes the first move. We were once close having put this off for a few years as I couldn't bring myself to even look at the options because of not wanting to leave my parents behind. At the point now where they are just gona have to have it - all going well. Unfortunately it has made our relationship certainly different and distant from what it was which is a shame but too late now. I could go on and on and on and on but wouldn't want to bore the pants I envy anyone who has gone through this process with parents who support you. My sympathies are with you but you are not alone. I cried nearly every night for a week a few months ago with all the hurtful comments, remarks arguments etc. I can top the lot.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 7:22 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Thanks Hayley

I know that she will eventually come around but the thing which has really appalled me is that she actually went on one infront of my 12 year old daughter who was absolutely distraught. My mom didn't even have the decency to call my daughters mobile phone to see if she was ok - it's not as though this is her fault!

You just imagine that yesterday was the final time you saw and spoke to your mom - and yes she is that stubborn to carry this on until I am long in Canada.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 7:27 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Karma to both of you. Sounds absolutely awful for you both. I am one of the lucky ones who does have their parents blessing so I can't really appreciate what you're going through. I feel terrible despite my parents blessing so your situation must be 100 times worse. I really feel for you and hope that somehow it all sorts itself out.

(They should have one of those hug icons on here for times like these!)
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 7:39 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by burton bunch
Have just come back from Canada with a job for my hubby and had to start to tell family and friends. WHAT A B£$%%Y NIGHTMARE!!!! :scared:

My mom has gone off like the atomic bomb and said some very hurtful things to me ending in us not talking to each other. THis is hurtful as I am an only one and being worried about her reaction spoilt the joy of my hubby getting the job and also the holiday I have just spent a fortune on.

What do I do now ? No intention of letting my mom's outburst stop us coming over there but she is my mom after all.

Just feel dreadful and just can't seem to pull myself up out of the depths of gloom.

Anyone else suffered with a bad reaction from parents

The bottom line is that your mother should not have had you if she did not want you to have a life. There are no guarantees that when we have children they will stay by our sides forever, and anyone who cannot accept this fact should not have them.

I guess that I am lucky in that my mum has a very busy life of her own and took the news quite well. Although I did hear via the grapevine that her chin wobbled a bit when she was telling someone else about it!!!

Just keep telling your mum about the fantastic holidays she will be having, and that you have to consider your own children's futures. All will be well in time I'm sure.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 7:52 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

My parents were fully supportive though very sad that we were leaving. The brilliant thing is they are coming out to visit soon! The bad thing is we shall have to say goodbye again!

One thing that makes it easier for them is that they have eachother and I have three brothers .... although eldest has just moved to the Carribbean for 2 years!

My MIL is a completely different story. We had tears when we told her. And many times since. She feels we have abandoned her, and in a sense we have .... the guilt is dreadful. Hubby's dad died in 2002, and he had no siblings. MIL is 83 and only has an elderly sister who lives about 300 miles from her and is not in good health. MIL is fit and well, and nothing is stopping her coming to visit except she is determined not to. "All she asks" is that we "come back to bury her"!

It's not the travelling, nor the money ... what it boils down to is she says she broke her heart saying goodbye to us all, and she could not bear to do it again! Silly mare! I mean, I know it's awful for her, but I do feel she is making it far more "final" than it needs!

Oh don't start me off!

Anyway ..... she and OH talk nearly every week on the phone, and so long as we keep away from sensitive subjects we have had no further scenes recently.

Such a shame. We've been here nearly a year now, and I'd love for her to see how the boys are doing!
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 7:55 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Makes you realise that parents are just human after all, and sometimes they have some serious failings.
I was a very bad man for taking their daughter a whole 58 miles away when we moved from Kilmarnock to Dumfries so you can guess their reaction when they discovered that I was dragging her away to Canada against her will
I am the Devil incarnate :scared:
When all else fails remember why you are doing this, its for a better life for you and yours, they had their life and made their own choices. Harsh I know but I for one don't want to be sitting at 70 wishing I had tried but it is too late to do anything about it.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 8:08 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

There was never any question of us not going ..... but it sure made it painful.

Basically it was her happiness vs not just ours but our two boys .... and for them it's been the best thing ever! She has not (as far as I am aware) ever disputed that ... not to me anyway. It was all about how SHE was feeling, and it still is. I know she reduced my poor hubby to tears at least once.

It's the silly little things that FIL used to do that she then relied on him for. She will still ask him how to do things like change a fuse, or what to do about her overflowing loo or something when they talk on the phone.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 8:23 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

No, no, allow me - I am the Devil incarnate !!!

Very sorry to hear about the reaction you have received from you mum. You just have to focus on the reasons behind her outbursts, and believe that it will all come good in the end.

Like Nicky, both of my parents are now dead so I have not had to go through that whole rigmarole ( - mind you, it does make me wonder if I would really, really want to go if my mum was still around !). I do have one brother, but I haven't physically seen him for over two years, and we speak sporadically on the phone - he is pleased for us (or should that be pleased to see the back of us?!).

However, hubby's parents are another matter. We 'just happened' to mention our interest in Canada again to his dad at about the time we were filling in the application forms. I guess we let him mull that over for a while. He then must have discussed it with his wife. I specifically did not want to say anything to his mum until we had more definate news, and knowing how long the application process might have taken, it would have potentially given her an extra 2 or 3 years to worry about it all. We received our visas in July and sat down and told them properly a week or so later. I waited for the bomb to explode and the tears to come. Nothing, nada, silence !! Not sure if that was better or worse. No 'good luck', no 'bugger off', nothing

Hubby has three brothers, all with their own families now, and they are all pleased for us, with a definate 'go for it' attitude. Hubby is very close to all his family. Without her saying it, I know his mum will be putting the whole thing down to me, for dragging her son and two of her grandchildren half way round the world. Mmm, I feel good. And I would not even say it is down to me ... joint decision with joint fear and excitement.

I think, at some point in the future, I will have a very sad hubby for a day or two, as the actual reality of leaving his parents and brothers hits properly - not sure exactly when that will be - but it will have to come at some point.

But like so many people on here say, keep focusing on the reasons for the move in the first place.

I wish you well in sorting this all out...
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 8:37 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Oh gosh, this is what worries me most about the whole thing (ok, not getting in worries me the most!). We have so long to wait before we know that for the time being we are keeping it a secret: it just seems like way too much hassle to tell everybody, deal with the fallout, and then possibly be rejected anyway.

We are quite unusual perhaps in that we could actually do with a bit of space from family, so the idea of leaving them behind, while not massive fun, is not a huge trauma either. However, since we made the decision to go, my parents-in-law have split up, and suddenly MIL is much more needy and dependent than she was, if possible. It's one thing to leave behind a 'happily married' couple you think is going to grow old together and look after each other: it's a whole other thing to 'abandon' a middle-aged lady who has effectively been dumped...

Good luck to everybody who is experiencing this in the near future: I'm sure that words will be had and things will be said that aren't meant, so try not to take it to heart!

(By the way, did anybody else keep it a secret until towards the end? How did it go?)

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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 8:43 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

We told everyone as soon as we were applying. We didn't want the kids to have the burden of a "secret", and we were afraid it would slip out anyway.

Also we reasoned that once "they found out", they would be far more upset that we'd been "planning it behind their backs", and too we felt that it gave everybody time to come to terms with it, and hopefully resolve their feelings, rather than leaving on an upset.

That last bit didn't quite work!
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 9:16 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Well, we actually applied because of my in-laws.

They organised a family trip to Vancouver & the Rockies a few years ago and two days in, said "We would understand if you wanted to emigrate. We won't visit you, of course because of the dog, but think it's something to consider...." As we had only been on package hols to Greece before, this was all a bit of a shock!

Turns out they could of emigrated in the 50's and didn't and now regret it, hence a bit of vicarious intent...very keen to know what is going on, so "Well, we've applied and we'll hear in 2009." is more frustrating for them than us!

They didn't really have much to do with us on the holiday after - I think I annoyed them - but the idea stuck.

My mother is in the "You're not still going on about that, are you?" so I think a bit of denial has set in, but as she considers me moving to Scotland the end of the earth, it won't make much difference and my sister has lived all over and now has gone home.

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