Making friends
 

My husband and I moved to Ottawa in 2007, full of hope for the future. 8 years on we have had a lot of stuff to deal with - the most difficult thing is having few friends. Canadians are always very nice on the surface but seem unwilling to become closer. And in our experience they don't seem to be interested in understanding our culture or background. They seem so wrapped up in their own world. I often feel misunderstood (irony seems to be something not understood here) and having bland conversations. Any tips of finding new friends would be welcome. We are thinking of attending British ex pat events just to have a 'normal' conversation from time to time! We have persisted with a number of superficial friendships, but it is always us doing the work (having dinners, making the calls, etc) that are not often reciprocated. We are no longer prepared to do that and consequently those 'friendships' have dissolved. At this point returning to the UK seems like a wonderful idea! ;)

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I suppose some settle and make friends and some don't. If you're unhappy and have the opportunity to move back to the UK why not? There's no shame in that. Where we live we have a good mix of nationalities to hang out with.

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Well...only one of us feels that way about returning to the UK!

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I do agree with you, it is difficult to find people to commit to long term friendships and in ten years here, I have had a huge cycle of friends, as people move on to other friends that align more with their kids activities.

Unfortunately maybe this is also something to do with the fact that people are just too busy these days.

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Forget about making friends here, the cultural differences are too great to make it happen on anything but a superficial and cursory nature. If you stay here just try and be content to live an isolated life.

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It's just harder in general to make friends as adults, people tend to get set in their way's and the people they know, and don't have as much interest in new friends.

I have found it slightly more difficult vs the US, but by and large Canadians are pretty much the same, both countries can be hard for newcomers to meet people and make friends.

Everyone I know is through my wife, before I met her and after I split with the ex, I didn't know a soul outside of work, but co-workers had no interest in being friends outside of work.

Just part of life.

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I agree Oink that cultural differences are great between UK and Canada. This has been a surprise to me. I am constantly having to reinterpret what I am saying. Dry humour always seems to be misunderstood. i also wonder if there is something about Ottawa. As a government town, everyone working in government is focused on their 'freedom 55' date and then extensive international travel. Ottawa seems to close down at 9.30pm!

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Government city's don't tend to be exciting in North America for the most part, although exceptions do exist.

Victoria, BC's government capital is pretty boring place at night.

Canada is more aligned culturally to the US then the UK, We American's tend to not get dry humor either.

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We have had the opposite experience,it helps having kids in school for sure.
I found most people in the UK were friends merely if it suited them,ie there is something in it for them.

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It is definitely harder to make friends as an adult anyway! I moved to a different town within the UK where I have been now been living for 4 years and, aside from all my 'old' friends with whom I am still in touch, I only made one new friend who has now moved away! Now it's not as convenient to touch base so we are gradually drifting apart. I have came to the conclusion that in this day and age, there has to be something in common to make a new friendship more natural and 'easy to maintain' - such as having kids in the same school - otherwise you do face an uphill struggle. Although, it doesn't help that I'm quite shy and not very good at small talk!

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That is my trouble as well with meeting new people. And seems people in my age group fall into 3 categories:

Professionals with no kids but career oriented.

Parents with kids, some with nearly adult kids, and even know someone who is a grandparent...lol

Single parents.

I don't see many late 30's who have much in common with me. Parents generally don't have time to be friends with non-parents or much in common.

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Hi Chudleigh,

I'm afraid I can't offer any useful advice but I just wanted to sympathise. I have lived in Canada for 16 years now and in that time I have made no real friends. As you say, superficially very friendly but mostly talk in platitudes and very hard to get to know at a deeper level. My wife has had a little more success at making reasonably good friends but I can only think nostalgically about the 3 or 4 good friends I had while living in England, 2 of whom are now dead :(

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My experience here is that there are a lot of fairweather friends. If you're not useful, don't expect a response.

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Oh yes I 100% agree with this. But the same also happens in the UK.

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I think it's a mix. I certainly found moving to the UK in my twenties that it did take some work to make some friends, and in my 5 years there, my friend group definitely rotated and cycled through a bit.

Now that we are back in Canada, I have reconnnected with some people from uni. I was never super close with them, so a bit more of the work has been on my side with re-establishing myself in there. I think some people are just better about planning things than others.

I am a planner, I tend to take the lead in organizing social events. I have a bunch of friends who are otherwise lovely but who are awful at this sort of thing.

My husband is awful at organizing social stuff. Even in the UK with his uni friends, if it was left to him to organize social events, he'd never see any of them. He's just not that kind of person. Once he's IN the situation it's completely fine - he's not shy or reserved... he's just awful at making the plans in the first place! Particularly since he's been with me, he just assumes I'll do it all, haha. I often have to poke him to go for drinks with work colleagues, or to sign up for the summer football (soccer) league with his work colleagues!

So I think when you combine that with it generally being a bit tougher to make friends as an adult... it just takes a bit more effort, but it's doable. We are settling in well here, and have started to establish social circles again - Husband has even gone to a few poker nights with the so-called "husbands of our uni lady friends" group, haha, so it works out well I think!

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When I lived in the UK I made friends with work colleagues and socialised frequently outside of work with them - not so in Canada anymore. The distances to travel are huge, people live in areas with few places to gather socially, they're wrapped up with their big houses etc. Many people from abroad don't socialise outside their cultural group.

Also, since it seems everyone can get almost everything they need online these days there's little desire to make friends with people face to face.

And, yeah, I can't stand the 'how are you'- 'I'm great' routine everytime you pass someone in a hallway.

Canada does seem a lot unfriendlier than when I was growing up. It seems you could chat with people a lot more and make friends more easily.

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I could definitely have lots of acquaintances in my 'network' and indeed be out every evening. But for me that is different from having good friends who get you and with whom you can relax and be understood. I find my meaning in conversations misunderstood quite often and I really have to work on how I communicate. I just find this exhausting and for once would just like people to understand me without having to make a big effort. I do get it can be more difficult to make friends as an adult, although I have never had that problem in the UK.

Re: Making friends
 

I see this as not an issue with Canadians more an issue with being a new comer. i would ask you when you were in the UK how many new immigrants did you open up your inner circle to? how many of the polish immigrants to the UK became your new bff?

I know my answer is Zero, i was always polite friendly etc with those i knew and work with but I had an existing circle of friends and never gave a second thought to inviting them into the group.

I think it is very unfair to say Canadians are unfriendly or for shallow friendship more than anyone in the UK. they just don't need your friendship as much as you need theirs. Therefore a lot of people find that other expats be they Brits, Ozzie's kiwi's etc make "better" friends as they are also looking for a new bff as they to have no friends in Canada and are building their circle from scratch rather than trying to make room for you.

I have made some good Canadian friends here but of course the bonds are not as strong as 30 year friendships from back home.

I think everyone seems to agree that making new friends as an adult is difficult and not something we are used to.

some suggestions to help.

join a club, be it a brass band, cricket club, knitting, running whatever it is you like to do with yourself.

friendships are generally formed through a common interest/bonds.

make friends with expats, they are in the same situation

move to somewhere smaller big cities can be unfriendly and more difficult to integrate into a community. on the other hand smaller places can be isolating.

work some workplaces are really sociable others are not. i have met most of my friends through work. Some work places people want nothing to do with their colleagues out side of work. i would not suggest you quit work to find new friends but it is a thought

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I know that I live in a very friendly part of Canada, but I've found several really nice friends since I got here. Of course I miss my very close friends from the UK too. But I have managed to find people with common interests or (which I consider to be more significant) common values. And some who I can just have a good laugh with.

I totally agree with johntheScot about finding common interests as a starting point - I've made friends through Karate, and through our son's football club. And one or two through work.

I've actually had far less problem making friends here than I did when I first moved to Scotland. I felt like an outsider there for years. I've only been in Canada since August and I already feel totally accepted.

I usually find myself laughing with people about my 'britishisms', rather than them getting in the way of communication. But I am also conscious of the language I use and wanting to be understood. The fact that we all speak English can be misleading - I have found it helpful sometimes to think of it more like learning a new language, as if I had moved to France or Spain - there I would expect to need to modify how I spoke to make myself understood.

Hang in there. If you can find some other expats you may find that helpful. Or even other people from elsewhere in Canada? Good luck

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Great post JohntheScot :goodpost:

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Brilliant post. You hit the nail spot on.

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Agreed.

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I too thought JohntheScot's post very good.

Here, in this bit of NB, people don't tend to move about much, so someone in their 50's still has the same friends they made in Primary School...they don't need me and my funny ways:blink:

Most of the people that we have become friendly with are, as they say here, from away and come from Toronto and Newfoundland etc. It's not just because we are foreign. I invited my neighbour for dinner the other evening, we had a supper night, and he's a thoroughly interesting person.....it's the first evening he'd ever been invited into any of the houses in our road, and he moved here in 1974 from Victoria!

Canadians as a bunch do seem to be inherently shy on the whole, that's why I think they only seem to be friendly on the surface because they are scared of giving offence or being rejected.

I was a bit lonely here, but now I just think I've got used to it.

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Big mistake on the Polish thing. The women are very attractive and still retain traditional gender skill sets that modern western women have sadly deserted in the name of equality.

Canadian's do socialize less with work colleagues and that is down to commutes. You will have to make an effort to meet people outside of work here.

I personally think it's easier to meet people in Canada but then in England I relied on work and old relationships. It's not so bad here once you get out of the comfort zone and take up a new hobby or two.

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Grandad, is that you? :blink:

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If you're not careful you're going to owe him $9M. ;)

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It's ok, it would appear JamesM is stuck in the 1950's, so it'll only be a few shillings.

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James is so not ChrisOomps Nigerian prince.

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Funny how the thread drifters are the same 3 usual suspects. :nod: I point out the failures of dismissing a minority immigrant group and am immediately branded as being "old fashioned".

For the record and because you all learn something new everyday from me I have converted the value of a shilling in 1950.

Calculate Modern Values of Historic Concertina Prices

A shilling in 1950 was worth 1.46 in GBP in 2000. So in today's money on dollar conversion I'd say $4 per shilling.

At this rate I'll have a chauffeur and limo bringing me to the Yard Social.

Re: Making friends
 

I moved to Calgary in 2011 and arrived with my Canadian wife. She grew up here so I inherited most of her friends by default. Obviously I get on better with some of them than I do others.

I find Calgary to be a very friendly place and being from the UK has not hindered me in any way. I have not had to adapt what I say here and to my knowledge my meanings are not misinterpreted!

I made my own friends once I started working. I also volunteer for a few film festivals and other events in Calgary each year and this has widened my social circle.

I find that my dry, sarcastic humour is "got" here but not appreciated as much as the UK.

All in all it was pretty easy for me to make new friends here. Moving here has actually made me open up and talk to people I do not know more easily, whereas in the UK I was a lot closed off, as most people are in my opinion.

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I've been here nearly ten years now and I can honestly say, I have no real friends, only acquaintances and hangers on (women - I think it's the accent :confused:). The few people I do knock about socially with are British immigrants like me.

In the UK I had a large circle of very good friends from all over Europe (I worked for a very large multinational company who recruited from all over) and had no problem getting to know people.

But I was younger and more outgoing.

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I'll be your wingman. I mean friend.

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Well - put it this way. It's not the good looks or the sparkling conversation...

Oh, I see what you did there. Very good. ;)

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I always found Canadians to be incredibly friendly right from the off, but it doesn't seem to go any further than that. You can know someone for several years, but it still feels like the relationship hasn't progressed any further than when you first met.
And what is this idea that your business acquaintances are your buddies??
When the chips come down, its business!:sneaky:

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I think another issue is that we all live very busy lives. We, as a family, just don't have the time to see all our friends all the time. As a consequence, if anything, we spread ourselves a bit thin by seeing too many friends, but none of them on an in-depth basis. I think this is just a symptom of all of us being wrapped up in our own worlds. The difference with our friends in the UK however, is that we knew them at a time in our lives when none of us had kids, we had money and so the time to devote to each other and forging deeper relationships. Now we're all ferrying offspring hither and thither! Come Saturday night, we're so knackered all we generally want to do is curl up in front of the fire with a bottle of plonk and watch an old Inspector Morse or Midsomer!

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I'll admit I don't have many, if any real friends outside of the office. We will on occasion, go for a drink or to, but not that frequently, usually only when someone has a promotion or leaves. I know it's down to me, as I'm somewhat shy, have low self confidence, and also somewhat lazy. Not a great combination of things I know!

I have ventured out, once, with a group of loonies from here ;) and am planning on doing so again soon.

I think a hobby might be required as well, something that isn't sitting in front of a computer or tv screen, and I just need to figure out what.

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Oh woow having lived in oakville, i find it quite a bit different. depending on where you reside. i found people who live downtown lakeshore /trafalgar seem to be much aligned with their richness friends and BMW's and have no clue for the simple life or just having a good conversation with the simple man..
i gues what am saying is if you got flaunt it..noo not me ..simple as they come

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I've been here 7 years and couldn't really call anyone a "close" friend. But to be honest I wasn't the greatest friend maker when I was back in the UK either, my friends there are mostly from childhood, university or my early career.

It's also largely down to the stage of life I'm at. I have two young kids with my Canadian wife, and without much family support we rarely get any time for social activities or hobbies ....so there's no surprise I'm not meeting many people or fostering friendships right now!

A swift Lotto Max win funding plenty of nannies, cleaners and expensive hobbies is my plan to get out of the rut :-)

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Humanist i am the opposite of you going to the UK to marry my fiance, been here to long and the friends i have are few and far between, I have a few but quality, also i have more friends in my fiance's family then i do here says a lot. I"ll take it.

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That surprises me, as most people seek to think the easiest way to make new friends is through children and i'd agree with them. Some of my closest friends are those I've met via school/playgroup/antenatal classes, we see them regularly and go on holiday with them.

I find it far easier to make friends through my kids than I did before I had them, although I am in the UK so there's plenty of the 'popping in for a cuppa' thing here which I never found in Canada.