homesickness
 

My husband and 2 children and dogs emigrated to Ontario in June 2005. We holidayed here in 2003 and liked it, my husband especially did, he's into hunting and snowmobiling.
They all love it here, but I really miss my Mum who's almost 70. We've got our dual citizenship but Mum's husband is very ill and it doesn't look like he will pass his sponsorship to here.
I also miss the beautiful British countryside, trees, hedgerows, different architecture and accents within a short drive. I find that Ontario is basically the same terrain wherever you go until you get to a huge city that's over-built up. It goes from one extreme to the other, without that English quaintness.
I loved walking anywhere in the UK and not having to rely on a car to get me to Walmart here or Michael's there to buy different products, that's so weird.
My father died a few weeks before we emigrated and at his funeral I was phoned by our immigration agent that we have finally, after 23 months of waiting, been accepted into Ontario. I dropped my cell phone, and my husband took over the call. It was such an emotional day as you can imagine! and perhaps that goes some way to how I am feeling. I am a housewife and do some fostering have a few friends but it's not the same.
Anyone else feel this way and any suggestions. We haven't been back to the UK yet, so I may be seeing things through rose coloured glasses

Re: homesickness
 

It won't get any better. You'll learn to live with it but there will always be a dull ache that'll gnaw away at you until you are angry and bitter. You only live one life, don't live it with resentment and sadness. Go home.

Re: homesickness
 

That's not helpful though true to some level.

It might not necessarily grow into angry and bitter anyway, it may well moderate as the OP becomes happier in CA.

I have been out of the UK since 2003. I have 2 kids and am female and can totally relate. My Mum died last year in the UK.

In a nutshell, my take is that you have to look out for the whole family and what is best for them. Our decision is that here is better at the moment. That may change and nothing has to be forever. You can always go back anyway.

I don't have any suggestions - I now work as my kids are old enough and that helps - the kids also do all sorts of activities and we have met loads of people through that. Other than that, keep smiling.

HTH

Re: homesickness
 

You wouldn't recommend a trip back to test the waters then? Just sell up and return...

Re: homesickness
 

Thank you, you're the first person that's understood what I'm going through. I've been on Yahoo answers and get silly replies like "go back" but I can't, I am not selfish and would not uproot my kids from school and their education or my husband from his job or my 13 year old labrador - she wouldn't last the plane journey, so there are loads of things to take into consideration, but it won't stop that yearning inside me missing Blighty and all who sail on her!!
Thank you again

Re: homesickness
 

What you think that'll cure it? If she's feeling this way now, she'll just end up lonely, isolated and depressed. No way to live a life.

Re: homesickness
 

If you can't go back, your resentment will only be directed at those you feel that are keeping you here so you'll be angry at them and consequently make their lives miserable.
You could just drink to numb the pain, but that'll have rather unhealthy consequences. I'm not saying this for a laugh, it happens to be the reality. You may be resigned to your fate but you'll resent everything about being stuck here.

Re: homesickness
 

Oink you're stupid. Nothing is that black and white! Are you 3 years old??????????

Re: homesickness
 

Would it be too daunting or, pragmatically, too expensive to treat the UK as a holiday destination - perhaps Spring for example?

Might help some of the yearnings & maybe let you look forward to returning to Canada at the end?

I've not been in your position, but I hope things improve for you :)

Re: homesickness
 

Thanks, we've thought about going there in the spring. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Re: homesickness
 

Sorry to hear that you're feeling homesick. It is so difficult when you have left family and friends behind, especially when something happens to them.

I've been in Calgary since 2007 and went back for the first time last Christmas. It was great to do, as I too felt homesick. However after a few days of the same old stresses (traffic, dodgy weather and too many people) I was pleased to get back here.

Maybe try a trip back. I found it helped.

Re: homesickness
 

Fraggle, I hear that all the time, so perhaps a trip back could be the "fix" I need

Re: homesickness
 

....Yahoo answers isn't always my first port of call when faced with one of life's more complicated emotional dilemmas.

Now BritishExpats.com on the other hand....;)

Re: homesickness
 

The bad news is although he lacks subtly he is not that far of the mark for many people...


a visit may help, it may make it worse, staying may work out, and staying may end up making you bitter

here you'll get opinions, no real help, maybe virtual hugs if that helps.. the only person that can alter your situation is you,

control what you can and try not to worry about the stuff you can't control

Home sickness is a major reason for returning, its also a major reason for marriage break ups too

Re: homesickness
 

I'm not the one whining on an internet forum and trolling for sympathy. I made what a thought was a helpful reality check. I suspect I've hit a nerve. You've made your hell, now you'll have to live with it. But I won't resort to name calling, I'll leave that to you.

Re: homesickness
 

People post for all sorts of support, emotional or practical and shouldn't be belittled for posting IMHO. There have been times when I have been down and have welcomed emotional support. Life ain't easy always. You could have worded your reality check a little better too.

Once you have left the UK, you have the ability to compare it with where you are currently living and this gives the dilemma. You can only get opinions from people who have left the UK and this forum is a good source of advice.

Personally I am very happy in CA but I could be equally happy in the UK. Yes I can't admire that fine Yorkshire scenery but I can look at the beautiful lakes. The kids are very happy here though and IMHO have more opportunities but that is why we chose to be here and not the UK. It's all subjective and relative to the time.

HTH

Re: homesickness
 

I was incredibly homesick and pissed off and went back for 5 months, there was lots of other stuff going on too. I would be back like a rat up a drain pipe if the choice were there, I have a house there, a car, a network, but it's not just about me and what I want. It's about the bigger picture. It's about trying to get a happy medium for everyone. What I did was pretty extreme by going back, but in the end it was only me that was really happy. Everyone else was disjointed and when I seen that, I realised it was wrong to continue.

Keep talking about it with your OH, keep an open mind and be sure you aren't just going through a rough patch. Geography doesn't change people or you, yourself. But reach out to your family and make sure you don't make yourself ill in the process of trying to feel more settled.

Take care
Mrs M x

Re: homesickness
 

Why haven't you been able to get back?? Maybe a trip back would show you that what you are missing doesn't really exist.

It's taken me a while to settle here and I have been back. Both times I was glad to leave the UK, but didnt feel quite at home here either. Now I have no great desire to go back. It's a mid atlantic limbo.

I don't know which part of Ontario you are in but I like the scenery around here; rolling hills, lakes, beaches, deciduous forests. A few miles away and there's the rugged pink granite of the Canadian Shield. We lived in the city when we first moved here, and once we moved to the countryside I was much happier.

There's no guarantee that if you go back you would be happy.

Sadly, in life, you just have to suck it up.

Re: homesickness
 

.....If I were ever to form a band, which I won't because A. I'm too old, and B. I have no musical ability what so ever, I'd definitely call it "Trolling for Sympathy".

Re: homesickness
 

So a sugar coated version of what I said. The woman has to face up to the fact she's miserable and she's making sacrifices that will probably end up destroying her or her family. There's a lot of joy in that.

Re: homesickness
 

Not me. I dish it out.

Here's some for the OP. Ratchet up the self-pity by forming a band called trolling for sympathy and writing tunes about the pointlessness of everything. Or alternately you could just do something about the stuff that's making you unhappy. Take your pick.

Re: homesickness
 

I know exactly how you feel, every day I yearn to be in Canada. I get terrible homesick in UK, but I stay b/c of my husband. I do sometimes blame him for the way I feel, I have no family here, very few friends and feel so isolated. So I joined a gym that gets me outta the house, and have tried to call a friend and maybe go to lunch...always excuse why they can't go, so I gave up. I am counting the days til I move home.
I do go home every year, usually at least twice. which really helps. I will be glad to get home, I will miss some things from UK, but not much!! It's my family I miss, I have a new grand daughter I haven't seen, lost both my father and my brother while living here. I made a commitment to my husband and I will stick by that but the day in March when we fly outta here for good will make my heart soar....and I won't be in a hurry to get back here.
I have been away for 10 yrs. and have alot of time to make up for with my family. Everyone is different, I find those with close family ties have it the hardest, some I know could care less if they ever went home....me personally can't wait..

Re: homesickness
 

I sympathise but you have to take responsibility for your actions- moving to canada is a HUGE desicion to take - you have a family and if they are all happy with canada then you have to lie in the bed you made for yourself. its not rocket science - the grass isn't always greener....

Re: homesickness
 

I think you need your mum. Could she come out to visit you for a couple of months or so?????????? There are pros and cons to both Canada and the U.K.

If you do go back for a visit, try to go for a prolonged period (maybe a month) as if you just visit the U.K. for a week/two, you will be so euphoric at being back you maybe won't see the whole picture.

Also, do you have some english friends in Canada (recent ex-pats). Maybe you just need some morale support.

You've been in Canada for four years now without a visit back to the U.K. - Could be that you are forgetting the downside of the U.K.

Re: homesickness
 

Why is it necessarily a huge decision? Quite a few people on BE moved almost on a whim and have been here for years.

Re: homesickness
 

I was one of those people it seemed like a good idea after a few too many beers;) I stayed for over 8 years moving back took a lot more planning.

To the OP I hope your homesickness lessens as time passes.

Re: homesickness
 

Exactly. Far too many people make it into a huge decision, they build it up and build it up, and before you know it, it's life-changing move that almost becomes 'too big to fail'.

Visas aside, it's just the cost of a plane ticket. You have to live somewhere, so you only have to decide where you're happiest. But - places don't make you happy. You have to honestly ask yourself what makes you happy - if it's family or if it's opportunity or if it's material possessions... whatever.



(For me, happiness is a close-knit family 5,000 miles away.)

Re: homesickness
 

I think a trip back to the UK would be a good idea, you get to see your mum, get to assess what the UK is like, maybe talk things over with your old friends and get some firm idea of how you want to go on from there. You may feel worse afterwards, you may feel better, but at least you will know how you feel for sure.

Plus if your mums husband is in a bad way maybe the company and distraction will be good for her too.

If you had only just got here I wouldnt say go for a visit, but after a few years sometimes its just what people need.

Re: homesickness
 

I live near Lindsay, Ontario, so not too far from you.
Thank you for posting. So many people have said that the UK is just awful, so perhaps I'm looking at things through rose tinted glasses.

Re: homesickness
 

Hi

I am going back for my second visit and we only landed in April this year. The first time I went back was to make sure my son was Ok and security ... see you in 12 weeks etc.

I was glad to return to Canada in July. I am returning on Sunday for a pre Christmas visit and feel extremely confused about where I want to be. My father is elderly and unwell and I feel tremendous guilt for missing out on the time I could be spending with him. My son is 25 and is always saying he can't wait to see me ....

I know I'm not here for the long haul and no I did not look at the reality of been far from home and not being able to visit ... I just got caught up with the whole process.

My partner is very happy here, I said I would give it a year and a job might help ... I may feel different after my trip. We have invested so much of our lives in to this but it has made me realise what is actually important to me and it's not material possesions.

So I am struggling today but tomorrow I may feel different!

Take care

Claire

Re: homesickness
 

possessions mean absolutely nothing, I realised that when I was a little girl - long story - and I also feel guilty that I am my mother's only daughter and I should be there for her especially when she's elderly. She was in fact one of the many people who encouraged us to move to Canada as she could see it had a better future for us all, but she misses us and I think has got depressed and packed on the pounds because of it.
The reality of emigrating is so far removed from just merely talking about the idea. It is sort of like a mini-bereavement, hope I make sense.

Re: homesickness
 

Gosh, another pair of BE trappist monks. No car, computer, tv, ipod, camera, comfy chair, nice shoes, handbag etc for you. You know what's important right?

Re: homesickness
 

Whats your point Alan? Yes they have posessions, dont we all?


Are there more important things in their lives where they would accept a lower income and the loss of some of them? Who the hell are YOU to judge that,. You are getting tiresome. Sometimes I wish that if you have nothing to say, that you would restrict yourself to saying nothing.

Re: homesickness
 

My point is that lots of people on this board are guilty of this hypocrisy. Possessions mean nothing, but we have loads of them. Yeah, right... Me, I like having things, a decent TV, stereo, PS3, fancy camera - these things bring me pleasure and I'm not ashamed to say so.

Edit: I should add I don't judge people that can't afford things, I judge people that deny that things are important when they quite clearly have things.

Edit Again: If you're telling me this in your capacity as moderator, then fair enough I'll shut up.

Re: homesickness
 

Usually when someone posts on here saying they are unhappy and they live nearby I suggest we meet up. Usually this doesn't happen. However If you do want to meet then we could meet in that scabby city Peterborough, or maybe Lakefield?

Re: homesickness
 

No, its not in my capacity as a mod. You are entitled to your opinion, even when its wrong. Its in my capacity as a long term user of this forum who sees the usual suspects chipping in in threads where a bit of support and understanding for the original poster wouldnt go amiss instead of trying to impress everyone with how big and clever and outragous you can be. In my (non moderator) opinion it just looks cheap and nasty, but as a mod its not breaking any rules, so if you want to look like a cock I cant stop you.

Hypocrisy, what hypocrisy? They are not saying they dont want nice things if that's an option, they are just saying that nice things are not as important as, (or the same thing as) personal happiness. Why is that so hard to understand?

Selling all their nice stuff and living a life of buddist extremism wont get them back with their sick mum or whatever if the rest of the family is perfectly happy here in Canada.

Do you have a wife and kids? Life is not as simple when you do, especially if you care about them.

Re: homesickness
 

well said Iain

Re: homesickness
 

Ok (and thanks for clearing up the mod bit)

I wasn't commenting on the OP's situation; though I agree with Oink in that regard. The OP sounds miserable and needs to do something about that; wallowing in it won't help her one bit. A long trip back is the way to go I would suggest (at least a month probably)

What I am trying to say is that people who go out of their way to say "possessions aren't important" are implicitly judging those that are willing to admit to themselves that they are. And "possessions aren't as important as my family" is axiomatic for most people and doesn't need saying anyway.

Re: homesickness
 

How are they judging anyone? They are simply commenting on their own circumstances.


Its not like there have not been many people over the years that have posted to the effect that "Canada is great, because I can sell my house in Surrey for a small fortune and live like a king here thanks to the capital that releases",

Plenty of (for the sake of argument) men decide at some point "to hell with the wife and kids and being responsible, I want a divorce and a convertible". They seem happy enough. I think you might be projecting rather too much onto what other people have said, but thats just my opinion.

Re: homesickness
 

All i can relate it to, is my mum (who is canadian) left canada 30 odd years ago with my british dad (he couldn't settle here, for many of the same reasons as yourself). We were all brought up in the Uk. My mum said she only ever lived for the kids and missed Canada loads. 30 years on, unfortunately now we have all grown up, she is very bitter and feels resentful of my dad who took her away from her homeland.

We, who are now living in Ontario, have been for a year - miss all the same things you mention about the UK.

I will not stay if i am really unhappy - as that doesn't make for a happy family. I also do not want to turn out bitter and changed as a result of that.

Its a hard desion. Perhaps you should go back for a holiday, it might help make your feelings more pronounced (one way or the other).

We are going back for a holiday to see if we really do yearn for the UK or have our rose coloured specs on backwards!

Live for the moment - you only get one shot at life and you have to be content.

All the best