destinationnovascotia

We had our leaving party at the weekend (flying out on 6th August). Generally a good time was had by all until my best friend decided to tell me that she thinks I am "hard".

I know that she is sad we are going and that she doesn't really get all of our reasons. When we first started talking about it her husband took me aside and asked me to play it down as she was to upset to talk about it so for the last 3 years I have been very careful not to talk about it too much, often when I really needed someone to talk to.

For the last year she has started to be quite close to another, previously more casual friend. Firstly the three of us would go places, then lately the two of them went to places where my friend and I used to go to without asking me. I never commented, although it upset me a little as I realized that she needed to be getting her life together for after we go.

More recently she has rarely phoned me, sometimes forgetting to return my calls when I left messages for her and we have not really seen that much of each other. We both have busy lives, but we used to make time for each other. I would have loved to have spent more time than usual with her in these last few weeks but I respected that she was going to be the one left behind and that she was probably trying to break away gradually so that it will be less painful when we finally leave so I didn't push anything but tried to be there whenever she wanted me to be.

I just can't understand, when I have tried for so long to be so sensitive to her needs, checking with her husband what is the right thing to do, why she then tell me that she thinks that I am such a hard and un-sensitive person.

I was devastated....I actually locked myself in the garage for 10 minutes for a good cry....how sad is that. I didn't want to cry at the party and risk her or other people being upset.

Then, at the end of the night, she got into her car in floods of tear and just drove her family home without another word.

We have seen them since and she is just behaving normally but I just don't know what to say to her as she obviously sees me as a totally different person to what I thought.

Sorry for rambling on but I have been thinking about this all week and I just needed to share it with others who may have been through such times and know how it feels.

It's at times like these when I am really thankful that a forum such as this exists. Thank you for letting me talk.

Getting There

Hi,

It's hard enough to move away from family and friends as it is without having to carry everyone else's feelings too so try not to over-focus on it. I wont say anything trite like "well she was never a good friend then" as that doesn't sound like what is going on here at all. This sounds like a friend who is struggling to process "losing" you, although, of course, that need not be the case at all if she could open herself up to the idea of having a fantastic new holiday destination and keeping your friendship alive in other ways by use of the telephone, email, webcam, etc.

What is abundantly clear though, is that you are absolutely NOT hard and insensitive. Your post (and many others of yours that I have read) scream empathy and consideration for others. Satisfy yourself that you have done all you can and then move on...you've got exciting times ahead!

Kind regards,

Eamonn

Madmac

It's very sad but happens quite a lot. My best friend (once was that is), went 'funny' leading up to our move. In fact, it became apparent almost 2 years before we left.

We rarely speak now and the friendship is essentially gone. I didn't go home for his wedding a few weeks ago as it would have been too difficult. I feel bad but realise you've got to get on with your life over here.

Oh, and this was a friendship that started when we were 5 - over 33 years ago. Now it's gone.

Look to the future and the new relationships you'll form over here.

destinationnovascotia

Thank you for understanding. I am going to bed now as I can feel the tears starting again and I can't see to type.

I know we are doing to right thing, no-one ever said it was going to be easy.

gibsonslanding

oh gosh, poor you.......and your friend!

i've just lost my very best friend to australia and i feel absolutley lost without her....so i understand where she's coming from (although i never thought of her as 'hard').......

and we're looking to move out to canada before the end of the summer, all things being equal.......my best friend knew of our plans over two years ago, so i understand that she had to deal with me leaving her (they hadn't decided to emmigrate unitl last year) so i've wittered on for years about going.

i don't know what to say to you, other than to go to your friend and tell her that you are sorry; tell her that you love her and also tell her that you are excited about your futures and tell her that she will never be more than a click away on email, or a telephone call away......my friend and i email nearly everyday and we phone once a week to catch up on gossip.......not a day goes past when i don't think of her and have an inside tear but if you two are to survive, you must tell her how you feel......friendships can and do span the world and i have friends that i don't see from one year to another. i have one friend that i haven't seen in 17years but we are still 'good friends'.....

good luck and don't forget, talk to her and tell her............

Linda P

I do not think you are hard at all, you cannot live your life for your friends no matter how close you are to them.

I can understand that she is upset that you will not be around, but in my opinion a true friend should want what's best for you and support you.

It's so easy now to keep in touch, you can still be part of each others lives, it just takes a bit more effort.

Give her some time, and try not to let this spoil your exciting new future.

Linda

MB-Realtor

We had exactly the same experience.

I think close friends feel "if they are moving away from me we can't be that close" and I suppose it must be true in a way.

I think we may be saying to them, "We want a new life and your not going to be part of it".

I know we hurt both Family and Friends by emigrating, I don't like it and 10 years on we get repercussions that hurt (we weren't invited to our nephew, who we had been VERY close with, wedding).

We made a decision to benefit OUR family, that was a selfish decision to improve our (our children) life style, at the expense of our Family and Friends feelings.

Like many decisions in life, we accept there have been consequences, are we "hard" because of, perhaps, but I think not.

Our Priorities were different from F & F, but they are OURS, and 95% of the time I feel good about that.

rach_woz99

Oh DNS, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from

My closest friend has made the move here the hardest thing - non intentionally, but for the last few months she was always commenting, then the last few weeks she was always crying. She said she was glad when I cried so I was going through a bit of what she had been going through.

She arranged a surprise party for us, a present when we arrived and she sent a birthday present for me yesterday. Only today, a month after we landed, have I been able to speak to her on the phone, although we have emailed almost every day. I know she thinks I am leaving her behind, and I guess she is right as your friend is right. But it is unfair of them to make it any harder - none of us took this decision lightly.

I am sure it will get easier for us both and for both our friends over time, as others have said, you cannot live your life for your friend, no matter how close you are.

Take care, we will see you when you arrive!!

Rachel

BristolUK

So you have until the 6th August to attempt to patch things up. Tell her why you hadn't talked about the move too much. Give yourself (and her) some time to talk now; Let her know you want her to visit - assuming you would like that. Remind her how easy it is to talk electronically so it's really easy to keep in touch.

Do it quickly so you don't get distracted by anything as you're doing your final packing etc.

Judy in Calgary

I know what you're going through, DNS, and I'm sorry that you're experiencing it.

The irony is that my niece and her husband, who recently spent several days with us during what South Africans call an LSD (look, see and decide) trip, reported the same thing.

Some friends and family members were supportive of their plans, but other friends and family members had turned weird. Some of them asked how they could give up South Africa's weather, scenery and general lifestyle, which couldn't be matched anywhere in the world. (I say that tongue-in-cheek, because the crime level is so high that members of the Russian Mafia reportedly are hesitant about going to South Africa.) Other friends and family members had grown downright nasty.

It was the same when we left South Africa in the 1970s. Back then they used to refer to the departure from South Africa as the "Chicken Run." It astonishes me, though, that -- even with the violence that virtually every South African family now has experienced -- there still are people who blame others for leaving.

Hard as it is to deal with, grief induces reactions in people -- the classic stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some people are better than others at masking their reactions.

I actually disagree with the people who say you should talk to your friend. The decision is up to you of course, and naturally you're welcome to give it a try. But I don't think you should bank on it producing the results you're hoping for. Some relationships are like Humpty Dumpty, and there's no putting them back together again once emigration has pushed them over the edge.
x

Poppy2

You know what, a good hug might do it. When so much is unsaid, imho, it can be totally misunderstood by either side. whereas you were trying so hard to be sensitive, she might have thought the absence of your input was a neglect in the relationship, oblivious to her part in that of course. But even though you are going and there is an end to the immediate physical relationship as it once was, there is a lot to be said for leaving well and letting each other know how important you are to each other. Like a sister, not just a friend.

Maybe a phone call? Or pop pver and share a hug?

She'll come right, sometimes those friends never quite get over the hurt, but you cant take that guilt with you, just do what you can to make things better and accept you can do no more.

Good luck!!

Butch Cassidy

I agree

ann m

My friend and I nearly had the most almighty falling out - on the morning of our leaving party ! She was stressed to the hilt, tearful, and hyper-sensitive - we had a few harsh words and separated our duties for a couple of hours. I was incredibly aware of how she was feeling - and felt at a loss to make her feel any better - so probably didn't come across as sympathetic to her plight !

But I was having a plight of my own - I was really looking forward to the afternoon, and equally dreading collapsing in a tearful heap myself - I was also in full "party organiser" mode and keen that everything went off well.

We muddled through lunchtime, I put up balloons in the venue with her husband and we had a chat - then I went back to the house and we "made up" over the fruit platters ! A big hug - a good talk - and bit of a cry - and we were back on track. I think she had a good evening !

She was still at quite a loss for several months after we left. We're OK now (I think ) - we speak fairly regularly - there were some other issues brewing in her life at the same time so that also played a part I think. Be caring and approachable - but still get on the plane. The best proper friendships will endure the distance - others become polite acquaintances - and others still will not survive the changes at all. You can only do what you can do. Good luck with her, and with everything else.

BristolUK

That's true, it may not work. But it might. No harm in trying, surely, if it means staying friends.

Not trying almost certainly means a lost friend.

nikki dreaming

Hi

As others have said perhaps you could try and have one last heart to heart with her, perhaps when she understands where you have been coming from it may help her too.

If she remains upset then at least you can feel you have done all you can to resolve this before you leave and you can start your new lives.

Good luck with everything