izzi81

Well, my mum to be specific. We got back from our first NS recce a couple of weeks ago, and my mum arranged a big family get together so that we could tell everyone all about our trip and show people photos. We'd get a chinese takeaway so that she could look at all the photos rather than have to cook. This happened yesterday. It did not go as planned.
First she was intent on doing something else at the same time as we were looking at the photos, and after a while I could see she was getting upset and she left the room and didn't come back. My sister went after her and later said that yes, it was the emigration idea that had got her upset. There were a lot of photos, we looked at them for ages, and my mum never came back through. I talked to her a little before we headed home in the evening and she got upset again, saying that the idea of my emigrating just made her really miserable.

I am close to my family (mum dad brother sister) and I get on very well with them. It is hard to think of living somewhere else where they are not, but I know it is worth it, and I know speaking to them on the phone, webcam etc. will be fine. But we've not even applied and my mum is not dealing with it well. Does anyone have any experience of this, and any tips at all? I know every case is different but i thought talking about it early on, and showing lots of photos which show how nice NS is, was the best idea. I don't know now...I know she wants me to do well and be happy, but there now seems to be contigency of 'but in Scotland'. (I've tried the argument that we'd be as far away travel-time-wise if we moved to London, but that's obviously not sunk in).

I'd gratefully appreciate any advice....

hobbitess

Hi,
There is a lot of discussion about this, do you have any children or plans to?

Usually, when people eventually acknowledge that their pain is based upon their own, dare I say it selfish need for your closeness and that there is a greater investment by yourselves, they grasp it. For us its our children and the likelihood of a grim future here. There are a million reasons not to go. Mainly my Dad and my childrens comfort right now. However when parents expire and kids grow and ask why the hell we stayed...well.

It will be difficult to digest, but most people will agree with the rationale despite their feelings which you cant fix. There are some ( see the million other threads) where families choose not to accept decisions, and in that case. You will read all the support of your forum pals and we all have anecdotes and no-one is alone.

Chin up and keep going, just remember why you are doing it.

Strawberry

"groans" don't remind me, my discussion with my mother was awful - see my thread on this.... She has now informed me only last week, that she will "never ever forgive me" if we move. Lots of people post on here that mothers do "come round eventually". It can be an awful situation but keep talking to your mum about it. Mine just clams up and refuses to speak about the "C" word (Canada) and then tells me that I am doing everything behind her back. I just can't win . Mothers eh...... Good luck and hang on in there.

MartianTom

With me, it's the other way around. My mother's in her 80s and isn't in the best of health - but she's fully supportive of my wish to emigrate. I took her out to Canada a couple of years ago and we visited the area where her own mother had lived for a couple of years as a young woman, back in around 1910. It was a huge emotional experience for her, and I know she feels that my going out there would be a kind of 'completing the circle'. She'd have been born out there - so, possibly, would I - if my grandmother hadn't returned to England and stayed.

Me, though? I dread the thought of going and leaving her, particularly with her health as it is. She lives independently now, but it won't be too many more years before she'll need some form of permanent care. We've always been close. She lives nearby, and I call in 2 or 3 times a week to make sure she's okay. We can still keep in touch, of course - but I dread the thought of something happening when I'm thousands of miles away.

Sorry - none of this helps you. It's something we all have to go through, and it can never, ever be easy. The thing is, as you said, you haven't applied yet. There's time for her to become more used to the idea. I'm sure she wants the best for you, deep down. Every mother does. And she has plenty of family around her for support. At most, you'll be half a day away (I just need to convince myself of this!)

Good luck.

carlalesemily

we are just about to lodge our visa for oz, (myself, my partner and our two children) and i am already feeling emotional about leaving both sets of parents.

my dad just refuses to talk about it and when we talk about it he ignores us, then he goes on to talk about when we buy a new house here. my mum thinks it is a good idea for the kids, but will miss us millions.

the other day my 3 year old daughter said to my mother in law that she is not going up to her house ever again cause she is going to australia. and she went in a mood. my father in law just wells up everytime we talk about it.

don't want to think about the day we are actually going on the plane.

Falcore

We told my parents just over 2 years ago. Mum was like your mum, she just cried and cried. This carried on for the best part of a year and we were banned from speaking about Canada. She has managed to come around to actually talking about the reality of us going to Canada now and she knows that we will do it with or without her blessing and I think this helped in the long term if not the short!

She also went to have a look at where we were thinking of going last year and I think this really helped as she liked it and suddely had visions of long holidays with us! I have told her she can have a Grannie Trailer

Hang in there hopefully it will get better for you.

Bucks_Family

I'll be going through this over the coming weekend, I suspect. I'll be telling my parents that my wife and I are planning to move, although I'll be very quick to reassure them of the timescales involved!
I'm expecting my mum to be shocked initially, but excited for us once she's come down off the ceiling. She's always supported me in my life choices, and although it would mean taking their granddaughter too, of course, I'll remind her that my sister and her children are still in the UK. As a family, we're spread out over England, so it's not like we see each other a lot, perhaps 3 or 4 times a year. We skype though, and that will carry on in Canada, and of course my parents will come over for extended holidays. In fact, in counting up the days we currently see them each year, they'll probably see more of us once we've moved than they do currently! It'll just be during one long holiday rather than spread out over weekends during the year.
Thanks for bringing this up, izzi81, it's been an eye-opener to read your and others' experiences.

daisychain

Hi

First let me say that we are a very close knit family and they mean the world to me, couldn't wish for better parents or brother.

I guess I must be one of the lucky ones reading these posts. My mum and dad live mostly in spain and were 100% supportive of us going. My brother is married to a south american girl so may well go and live over there. My mother-in-law is also very supportive and thinks we should go for a better life.

I feel that parents how ever hard it is for them, and I know this might sound hard, but they have had their life and hopefully done what they wanted to do, so why not be supportive of what ever choices you make in life, you only get one. Its not a million miles away and they do have planes now!!

At the end of the day you have to look out for your family and do whats best for them, hard I know but right in my eyes. The life we hope to achieve for us and our family would never happen over here, and at the end of the day if it goes wrong or you don't like it you can always come back!!

Sorry if people disagree with my post but its something i feel quite strongly about!! Just hope we get in. Still waiting ............

carlalesemily

hi

i think you are right daisychain, about looking out for your own family, that is what keeps me going with the whole visa thing.

daisychain

Hi

Glad you agree with me, no one else is going to look out for them!


Good luck with your application.

Strawberry

oh and apparently I have a duty to look after her when she is old - ps. I am 39, my mother is an able 60year old!!!!!!!!

MartianTom

Not saying I disagree with you at all, Daisychain... but I'm just curious about why that life couldn't happen in the UK. What is it that you think Canada offers that the UK doesn't? Again... I'm not saying you're wrong. I find it interesting to hear and compare different perspectives on the issue.

izzi81

thanks so much for the replies. It makes it seem not quite so bad when other people have had similar experiences (strange but true). It has helped a lot reading your posts - Strawberry I tracked down your thread as well and will be reading it too!
I do think (hope) that she'll come around, I'm sure if we manage to make the life we're hoping for when she sees how much better it is for us than where we are right now she'll be sold on the idea. It just worries me that I have a couple of years of this ahead. And there was me thinking my biggest concern was going to be the money/job situation!

hobbitess - no, we have no kids, and don't really have plans for any either. So she can't argue that I am taking prospective grandchildren away (I could see her point if that were the case).

falcore - fingers crossed my current situation, which sounds the same as yours was, moves into the same place you are in now, where she starts seeing it as a place to holiday! Part of the plan is to get a big enough house so that family can easily come and stay....

kleinluka

I know my mom is sad that I'm gone but she supports me and thinks I am doing the right thing if I love where I live. I wish I could see her more often but that's life... I'm sorry that your mom isn't taking it so well but she will have to come around. In the end it's your decision and your life so she's gonna have to accept it.

Helen Parnell

Been there and done that.

my mother told me that if i really loved her i would not emigate!

The wedding photos and all photos of me and my boys were removed from the house.

but I was not and still not married to my mother and I knew moving here was best for my family and boys.

It is really hard, and after 7 years my family have still not accepted my move here. I have two wonderful boys (ok slightly prejudice) the move has been great and very sucessfull for all of us but my family do not visit, send WH Smith vouchers for christmas for my sons and my family just 'do not get it'. ( totally worthless in calgary)

People in all societies emigrate all the time. England since 1940 is a great example of that, in the 1960's people were emigrating to canada and Australia for $10 while people from the afro caribbean were moving to england.

Unfortunately you have to do what is right for your family, your future and the future of your children.