Tracie107

OK continuing on from my previous thread,

http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...=being+a+donor

It was agreed that we would all (hubby, me & 4yr old son) become transplants donors.

Forms arrived in the post yesterday................now hubby doesn't want our son to become one. Point blank refuses to discuss further.

Never in a million years did I think he would be like this. So now what do I do?

fledermaus

Nothing really. It's not the end of the world. Should that awful situation ever happen when your child can donate, they would ask you both as next of kin for your consent. You can decide then.

kidmeup

respect his wishes
you would expect him to respect yours

Auld Yin

He perhaps has some misguided belief that, if your son was seriously ill/injured under hospital care, the doctors may see a possible donor situation and not make sufficient effort to provide the fullest life-saving efforts. His reasons are his own to ponder and, as previous post said, just respect his wishes.

stepnek

Maybe try and show some understanding and give him time to just come around to the idea a bit more if thats what he wants or needs?

Twenty years ago our 13 month old son died from complications after an asthma attack and was on a life support machine for four days. On the third day after tests had shown that he was brain dead we went home for a few hours that night to be with our other young children before returning to say our goodbye's, have a last cuddle and just be with him one more time.

Lurking in the background was a lady we hadn't seen before until it was explained to us by one of the nurse's that she was from the transplant service and wanted our son's organs. We were appalled. We couldn't stomach the feeling that we'd leave and then they would just start to take bits away from our beloved son. We were mortified. We didn't give permission and the lady went off without speaking to us.

Twenty years on I totally regret that decision and wish that we had let our son go on to possibly save another life. But it was twenty years ago, it was handled terribly and I'm more enlightened. But back then, in the circumstances we were not able to make any other decision and even now I think it would be hard to walk away from someone that I deeply loved and not be emotionally charged up and NOT allow anyone to touch them, especially if it concerns a child.

Which is why, of course these decisions are best made in advance. To the OP: Don't be pushy with your husband because right now it's not what he wants. Let him think and revisit the subject another time.

Tracie107

That is exactly what hubby said, he doesn't want anyone touching our child - full stop.

Thank you all for your replies. I will just leave him and of course respect his wishes.

Auld Yin

It would be so difficult for anyone in your situation to be thinking clearly at such times. From the transplant service's perspective there is no right time or way to approach the matter with the grieving family. I'm sure they are trained to walk away at the first sign of resistance to their request.
As a double organ transplant recipient I often think of the man who had to die so that I, and others could live or have enhanced lives. Recipients are not told, for privacy issues, whose organs they received but I've often thought about trying to track down my donor's family to tell them what a wonderful thing happened as a result of his/their decisions. I am just not sure I wouldn't be opening wounds better left closed.
As the previous poster said allow your husband some space in this matter. His decision may be a moot point, as your son may well decide in his teen years that he wants to be registered as a donor.

G77

Wasn't it discussed in the other thread that as a Brit, they wouldn't want our stinking mad cow ridden organs anyway... so isn't it a bit of a non issue unless your son was born here?

fledermaus

No, the conclusion was that organ donation was ok as the recipient is advised of any risks from the donor and has that choice. Blood just goes into a big pool. (no pun intended)

I think it's hard to put a childs name down as a donor as it means thinking about them dying. Maybe there's an element of tempting fate by doing so.

BTW you don't have to register as a donor to be one, your next of kin just needs to know your wishes.

Brian as noble as it sounds to thank a donor's family, you never know what you might unleash by contacting them, if you were allowed to.

stepnek

You know, that's the difficulty. When our young lad died I wanted to talk about him as the weeks went by but everyone else skirted around it and it left me frustrated.

With regard to the donor issue I now wish we had allowed it to take place and I would have loved to have met the receiver at a later time. But we're all so different so I guess the risk can't be taken.

JoolsGod

True, there are good reasons why this is kept annonymous although as a recipient the gratitude you must feel to the donor and donors family must be huge and it's natural to want to thank them.

A different situation is that i donated my bone marrow to someone and the same rules applied. Ok, i havent died and many people told me they wouldnt do it themselves so it's not the same. However i did receive a thank you note from the recipient that had been censored. I think the rules are for all parties security and there are some not so nice people in the world who would find a way to exploit such a situation.

To the OP i think it probably best to let your son make the decision when he is old enough to make it for himself and hopefully it is a decision you and your husband will never have to make.

Caitilin

Is your husband himself a donor?

Either way you can only decide for you - you and him may have to agree to disagree, but at the same time, at some later point you may want to find out if he'd accept an organ for your son were he sick. Your son may come around in time and realise he wants to organ donor

the other issue is that the donor organ has to be smaller usually, which is why kids organs are needed so badly - older kids can't take adult organs, they're too small.