I could do with a little bit of advice and information please.

My daughter turns 18 next month and is constantly reminding us of her pending adult status and how she'll be a free agent by then. One of the things she's already taken action on is letting her school know that when she is 18 she'll want school reports sent to her instead of us.

She's also announced that she intends to change schools and go to the local catholic school instead. Her stated reasons for this are because it has higher academic standards although I suspect the real reason is that all her mates that she works with in her part-time job happen to go there.

I thought this issue would be solved by the simple fact that she isn't catholic but apparently the school will still accept her so I can't rely on that as an excuse. I'd really just like her to stay where she appears to be doing fine but I sense a full scale revolt heading my way and a severe loss of parental influence. Her older sisters were so much easier to deal with!

So I'd really like an idea of how a catholic school differs if at all. If there's no requirement to be catholic to attend why do they exist at all? Do they generally have better teaching standards? Are they better resourced? I admit I'm completely ignorant on the subject and as battle commences I need to be better informed so I thought maybe you guys could help...

I'm open to correction on this but as far as I understand the difference is that Roman Catholic denominational religious instruction and practice is part of the school curriculum. The extent of this does vary from one school to another, as does the degree of flexibility for pupils who are not Roman Catholic to opt out of the religious element.

Isn't age 18 a bit late to start wanting to switch high school? If she really wants to go and the school will take here then it may not be a problem, but unless she wants to be Roman Catholic there's a reasonable chance she may want to go back to her old school before long.

Thanks for your response JAJ. Aged 18 is definitely too late for her to be changing schools and I'm against it completely but I'm trying to be understanding and hoping that I can use reason to persuade my rather head strong daughter to drop the idea and leave things as they are.

I feel like I'm entering the unknown here because I assume that at this age she has the freedom to choose herself if she wants to be difficult and not respect my thoughts on the subject.

Am I asking the obvious here?

How do you know that the school will take her?

I accept that the school will take non-catholics, but any self respecting head teacher will seriously question the wisdom of switching schools at 18.

Generally the pastoral care in Church Schools in any country is such that the wellbeing of each child (made in gods image) is paramount and as such the school must question whether it is in her best interests to move at this stage of her education.

Has she actually applied, or is she just telling you that she meets the admission criteria?

I would suggest an informal (and confidential) chat with the head about the issue. I am sure that it will put your mind at ease.

Good luck, Lynn

Well, of course we don't know for sure but she has been in contact with the school and they called us to make an appointment to go and see them. I'd say that it's quite likely that they may discourage her to even refuse to take her but I'm just preparing ahead of time and trying to get everything clear in my head as this isn't the kind of situation I've ever been involved with before.

I feel like I'm on a learning curve trying to be supportive, yet resisting an obvious unwise move that she seems intent on seeing through. The school could well refuse her but I'd prefer it if she could see herself ahead of time that she should leave well enough alone for the time being.

The whole crux of this is her age and her determination to make all her own decisions now. I could say "no, you're not doing this" but with her turning 18 should I?

But going back to the original point at least I understand a little more about Catholic schools.

As you say they may not take her at the school,and if they do, then there are usually substantial fees involved if your non catholic, and if you have no history of attending in their parish. My opinion on this is to bite your tongue, claim a degree of indifferance, and go along with it. I believe this is more a show of her coming independance, and she is looking to prove it on this issue, and if you fight it she will win anyway. This way there is no battle to fight, and chances are when that happens she may decide it's not worth it in the long run. At 18 her mould for learning has more or less been cast, and quite honestly even if she does go to the school I doubt that higher levels of achievement will be made in this time frame remaining, however generally the Catholic schools are more academic in my experiance.

As a Catholic (well a pretty crap one I admit) I'd resolve the pending revolt by an act of underhanded sabotage. Tell the head that you are the Canadian version of Peter Tatchell, and that it is against your beliefs for your daughter to attend their fabulous establishment, at least until there is a female priest. Tell the head that you have seen the Golden Compass ten times this week, and that, as an adult, your daughter will be only too happy to pass on what she has learned from you over the years.

Seriously though, two of mine are in Catholic school because the academic standard of the public school options in my area, is abysmal. Eighteen is too late to benefit from the academics in Catholic school, and who knows if the school of her choice is one of the good ones? The religious instruction will likely irritate her, if she is not used to it, as it is compulsory, of course. As she is exercising her rights as an adult, you could invite her to explain how she, as a newly enfranchised adult, will support herself through her new academic choice, because it is not yours. It doesn't need to be a battle, just a strategic position, that leaves her with no option but yours until she leaves home. Best of luck with that one!

Stepnek, isn't your daughter legally entitled to leave school when she turns 18? (Although I'm not a lawyer, that's my reading of Ontario's Act to amend the Education Act respecting pupil learning to the age of 18 and equivalent learning.)

I think there is the potential for quite a lot to be lost if you get into a power struggle with her.

As other posters have said, the Catholic school may not accept your daughter anyway.

In the (I suspect somewhat unlikely) event that the Catholic school accepts your daughter, it'll be a better outcome (I would have thought) than her dropping out of school.

I know this is Alberta and not Ontario. Still, for what it's worth, my kids experienced both the Catholic and public school systems in Calgary. To be honest, I found them to be quite similar. The Catholic system put slightly more emphasis on charity (although philanthropy was not absent from the public school system). The Catholic system also included a bit of religious education but, at this relatively late stage in your daughter's life, I can't see that swaying her opinions to any great extent.

You could pull rank. However, I personally don't see what is to be gained from that.

Good morning: I completed 2 teaching practicums (out of 4) in Catholic schools (Eastern Ontario)...no discernible difference in academic standards or behaviour (excellent). I'm not Catholic but thought I would benefit from exposure to both systems.
Although changing secondary schools at age 18 isn't generally recommended sometimes it is necessary...speaking as a secondary teacher in both Canada and the UK.


HTH

Canucklehead

I grew up in Canada, and went to a Catholic school so I might be able to add a bit of perspective. From what I understand, the admission protocol varies from school to school. The one that I went to accepted students primarily based on their religion, but if you could prove to them that you met their academic requirements, they would consider you. I am not Catholic, and made this quite clear to them, but my academic acheivements were such that they et me in. It was an all girls school, and I have to say that it was the best decision I made to go there, the academic standard was very high. ..... but as I'm sure you already know, changing schools at 18 is not ideal. I'm sure that the school your daughter wants to go to will know this and will probably not accept her based on that. I know it would completely undermine your daughter, but if a meeting IS set up between her, yourself and the principle of the school, I would probably send the school a letter prior to the meeting outlining your concerns and asking them to discreetly back you and not accept her based on her age and the fact that she is already in a school where she is doing well.

Best of luck!

Amy

Well, put it like this. If she is determined to be and adult in every sense of the word and make all her own decisions while still living at home with you guys I hope that you then intend to demand that she from day 1 start paying rent, pay for her own food, travel, clothes, etc. If she wants to be an adult - let her but be as extreme in that as she is in her decision.

To me it sounds like she is immature, slightly selfish and spoiled. Having a part time job I presume all the money she makes she keeps to do with what she pleases, right?

And if I am wrong, I apologize.

No need to apologize as that's pretty much a fair summary. I see her as a victim of the divorce between her mother and I and the fact that she has ended up being spoilt throughout our attempts to overcompensate since.

The problem as far as I'm concerned is to try and recognise her adult status, keep as good as relationship as possible but somehow continue to try and have some influence. We can all look back at ourselves at 18 and see that we really didn't know all that much at all but at 18 we thought we did.

I think it is right to remind her that if she is now adult that responsibilities come into that including financial ones.

Your idea has something about it.

Actually I have seen the Golden Compass with my daughter but just the one time and I had too look up Wikipedia after to try and understand why everybody had an animal running after them. Oh, and I thought the Polar Bear fight was cool!

Exactly, if she wants to decide over her own life then she will have to provide for her own life.

Although I did move out when I was 17 (the first time) I wish someone had done just that to me.

Not saying cutting the umbilical cord is what you have to do. Just gently have her see that adulthood is not as easy as she may think.

I have done the whole Catholic thing and my children are in Catholic High schools at the moment. Over here in Alberta one of the parents has to be baptised Catholic for a child to be accepted into the school. I am sure that Ontario will have some rules about this as there would be no point in having a catholic school if there was no policy on some catholic background. Has your daughter looked at the small print!

In Calgary Catholic if my children wish to have the full graduation ceremony and to get their high school diploma in a full ceremony then they have to do religion. Of course if they have passed all the courses they can still get a High school diploma because that is with Alberta education, but to put on the tux (I have boys) be at the speaches, have the limo etc etc, then the rule is take religion. Of course if they don't want to take religion then the school is quite free to say, fine, there are two other schools in the area!

It may be petty for someone who is not Catholic, but my boys are happy with this rule and the school has lots of children that are.