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Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Old Jun 10th 2022, 1:26 pm
  #1  
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Default Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Hi all,

We've been in NS for just over 4 years. After a rocky start we feel like we're finally starting to settle in, all most. Work is finally coming together for us and the province is beautiful, all would be perfect except we still feel like total outsiders most of the time.

We have a couple of good friends that we met through meet up but that's it.. Colleagues do their own thing, never invite us to anything or except any of our invitations. I'm seen as the 'fun' one at work so they put me head of the committee which organizes fun things for the office, events etc.. I get really great feedback on everything but if I try and invite people to anything outside of work no one comes. Plus, sometimes they do their own things in smaller groups and I don't get invited to those either.

Hubby is similar. He'll ask how peoples weekends were, if they have any plans etc.. and he's invited one or two things with us and again nothing. He often comments that if he didn't instigate conversations no one would speak to him.

Are we doing something wrong or is NS just not for us? We're now seriously considering either moving back to the UK or to another province.

Anyone feel or felt the same?
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Old Jun 10th 2022, 1:44 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

You aren't alone in your feelings. Making friends as an adult in Canada is hard. I grew up here, and adulthood has been very isolating. My closest friends are still from high school (secondary school). The culture like UK of going to the pub for drinks after work doesn't really work the same way over here. People are a little more introverted and would rather go straight home.
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Old Jun 10th 2022, 2:11 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

To be fair, this can happen in any country and sometimes you need a bit of luck when you reach a certain age. I've seen people move to the UK who say the same and even here in Ireland I've seen similar.
Probably some truth in this article and Covid hasn't made it easier to be honest. https://edition.cnn.com/2016/06/06/h...ies/index.html
It seems to improve when you reach retirement and many go wild again, at least that's what I heard.

Don't let that get you down and just do things that you enjoy and everything else happens naturally.
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Old Jun 10th 2022, 2:13 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Thanks Gozit. Do you find that work is almost your social life too?

You hear about the work hard, play hard culture here and how Canadians keep their work life and personal life totally separate but you don't realize just how true that is till you've been here for a while. I have a great relationship with a colleague, we lunch together, always messaging chatting etc.. I considered her a real friend. Then she gets married and I'm totally shocked that I didn't get invited. We didn't do a whip round or anything. When I mentioned it to someone they were surprised that it bothered me as work friends are not 'friends friends' so why would she invite anyone from work. That would be cause for a falling out in the UK.

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Old Jun 10th 2022, 2:15 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Originally Posted by Moses2013
To be fair, this can happen in any country and sometimes you need a bit of luck when you reach a certain age. I've seen people move to the UK who say the same and even here in Ireland I've seen similar.
Probably some truth in this article and Covid hasn't made it easier to be honest. https://edition.cnn.com/2016/06/06/h...ies/index.html
It seems to improve when you reach retirement and many go wild again, at least that's what I heard.

Don't let that get you down and just do things that you enjoy and everything else happens naturally.
Thanks for this. That's actually really good advice
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Old Jun 10th 2022, 2:27 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Originally Posted by Loraine 1
Hi all,

We've been in NS for just over 4 years. After a rocky start we feel like we're finally starting to settle in, all most. Work is finally coming together for us and the province is beautiful, all would be perfect except we still feel like total outsiders most of the time.

We have a couple of good friends that we met through meet up but that's it.. Colleagues do their own thing, never invite us to anything or except any of our invitations. I'm seen as the 'fun' one at work so they put me head of the committee which organizes fun things for the office, events etc.. I get really great feedback on everything but if I try and invite people to anything outside of work no one comes. Plus, sometimes they do their own things in smaller groups and I don't get invited to those either.

Hubby is similar. He'll ask how peoples weekends were, if they have any plans etc.. and he's invited one or two things with us and again nothing. He often comments that if he didn't instigate conversations no one would speak to him.

Are we doing something wrong or is NS just not for us? We're now seriously considering either moving back to the UK or to another province.

Anyone feel or felt the same?
I'm in the US, but your description is consistent with my experience after 19 years here in NC - lots of friendly neighbours, colleagues and acquaintances, but not much in the way of close friends. The reality is that once past college/uni, making friends is tough, and these days people are always "busy" doing this or that with family, friends they have had for years, or at their holiday home at the beach or in the mountains, or boating or RVing, etc. This topic pops up fairly often in the US forum, with my experience, and yours, being the prevalent one.

Last edited by Pulaski; Jun 10th 2022 at 3:22 pm.
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Old Jun 10th 2022, 3:16 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Originally Posted by Loraine 1
Thanks Gozit. Do you find that work is almost your social life too?

You hear about the work hard, play hard culture here and how Canadians keep their work life and personal life totally separate but you don't realize just how true that is till you've been here for a while. I have a great relationship with a colleague, we lunch together, always messaging chatting etc.. I considered her a real friend. Then she gets married and I'm totally shocked that I didn't get invited. We didn't do a whip round or anything. When I mentioned it to someone they were surprised that it bothered me as work friends are not 'friends friends' so why would she invite anyone from work. That would be cause for a falling out in the UK.
Not since the pandemic, no. I work from home, and my only other colleagues are the owner, who lives in another city, and our E.A. who lives abroad.

At previous jobs I had pre-pandemic , yes I did alot of socializing at work.

I think your experience with your 'work friend', is the norm here. I have had 1 or 2 of those work friendships actually break into hanging in person, but I think that is the exception.

The problem is worse if you're single.
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Old Jun 10th 2022, 11:09 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Originally Posted by Loraine 1
Hi all,

We've been in NS for just over 4 years. After a rocky start we feel like we're finally starting to settle in, all most. Work is finally coming together for us and the province is beautiful, all would be perfect except we still feel like total outsiders most of the time.

We have a couple of good friends that we met through meet up but that's it.. Colleagues do their own thing, never invite us to anything or except any of our invitations. I'm seen as the 'fun' one at work so they put me head of the committee which organizes fun things for the office, events etc.. I get really great feedback on everything but if I try and invite people to anything outside of work no one comes. Plus, sometimes they do their own things in smaller groups and I don't get invited to those either.

Hubby is similar. He'll ask how peoples weekends were, if they have any plans etc.. and he's invited one or two things with us and again nothing. He often comments that if he didn't instigate conversations no one would speak to him.

Are we doing something wrong or is NS just not for us? We're now seriously considering either moving back to the UK or to another province.

Anyone feel or felt the same?

This past week I've been working at a remote office. I went there with a couple of colleagues from our office to attend a celebration for a milestone in a project we've all been working on. There was a typical corporate event; escape room, axe throwing, bowling, something inoffensive, followed by a free bar with food. I really enjoyed the bar part, meeting lots of people, and it and it took me back. It used to be that offices in Canada did typically come with a bar and bonking scene. It was easiest to meet people when everyone still smoked but smoking required stepping outside. If you're both wearing loaner coats (also a feature of offices in that era), poor fit is an instant conversation starter. I took a Canadian home from such an event and she stayed for seven years. Alas, we didn't get to keep the coats.

Canadians have the reputation for being stand offish but I think it's more a combination of the mood of times and the location. I'd like to attend an office party in Newfoundland, even if the firm is an accounting consultancy or bankruptcy trustee.
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Old Jun 12th 2022, 4:48 am
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

The adult friends I’ve made are through shared interests and community groups, I mean people generally have to have a “reason” to hang out. When it’s friends from school there’s history and in-jokes, so you’re competing with that when you come to the table. Also Canadians are typically very time poor, stretched between 8 hour work days (often 10 if you include a commute), family, kids and so on, so that can play a big factor also, and makes people more picky with what they do with their free time.
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Old Jun 12th 2022, 5:09 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

I feel the same. Its about trying to find your community.
My own experience is, unless you are agreeable on the same lines politically then you are not really friends. But the problem with that is the polictical spectrum here is extreme. I find it hard to find the middle group or even if that exisits.
My own British group has peope that say lots of different things. We don't get offerended and its a good plac to have banter and discussions that are sometimes hilarious But with Canadians in the group we see the nervous laughter and the wide eyed flicker.
Its also a sign of the times. I find people get easily offended here. its hard to find where to fit in.
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Old Jun 12th 2022, 8:51 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Thanks everyone.

I sometimes wonder if my sense of humor comes across as 'to much' here. I've toned it down a lot the jokes / banter you have with Canadian's is very different to that of the Brits, unless you manage to find some Canadian's who 'get' you. We've been lucky and found one or two but that are rare finds.

Anyone else feel like this sometimes?

Also, I took some of your advice and decided to see if I could get some local Brit's together. There's now going to be a group picnic at the end of July which I'm really excited about. Thank you again for the great advice
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Old Jun 14th 2022, 12:33 am
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

I work from home now and have no motivation, desire or plans to head back to "the office" in Canada.

If you want to meet people my advice is find a good local bar or take up a hobby or two.

Work culture here is such that people don't expect to last long in a place unless it is government or unionized. They're in a rate race and they may have to trample on you to survive. It really is best not to get too attached.

I've always been told Nova Scotia is very different but knowing it isn't is no great surprise.
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Old Jun 15th 2022, 10:39 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Originally Posted by Gozit
You aren't alone in your feelings. Making friends as an adult in Canada is hard. I grew up here, and adulthood has been very isolating. My closest friends are still from high school (secondary school). The culture like UK of going to the pub for drinks after work doesn't really work the same way over here. People are a little more introverted and would rather go straight home.
In the UK you're accepted in society if you're either good at drinking, or good at any kind of sport, ideally both.

In Canada it's easier with the language, easier to learn, whilst in the UK it's very hard to ever speak like an Englishman if one hasn't grown up there.
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Old Jun 16th 2022, 7:03 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Originally Posted by OrangeMango
In the UK you're accepted in society if you're either good at drinking, or good at any kind of sport, ideally both.

In Canada it's easier with the language, easier to learn, whilst in the UK it's very hard to ever speak like an Englishman if one hasn't grown up there.
Sure, it's easier to get by on a surface level in Canada with small talk and casual conversation, but it is alot harder to build friendships as an adult - even for someone who's grown up here and lived in the same place all my life. (Maybe thats my problem - LOL)

I can only imagine how hard it is for someone who's just moved here and has no supports system.
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Old Jun 19th 2022, 1:05 pm
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Default Re: Anyone still feel like an outsider?

Close friends are harder to find as one gets older. Regardless of location. In general, public mood in Canada is a heck of a lot more welcoming to immigrants than in the UK.
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