I hope this is in the right spot to discuss, as I just joined and I'm not sure where else to put it. I'm really just looking for some advice - very, very desperately.

I don't know how long this will take to explain, but I'll try keep it short.

I moved from Yorkshire, England to Canada when I was about twelve (with my mum and sister, which I'll explain in a moment); I'm nineteen now, so it might sound ridiculous to hear that I miss England when I've spent most of my life here. Most would expect me to be completely "Canadianized". I'm not at all though; anybody who speaks to me is always surprised to know how long I've been in Canada, because I still sound so English. As if I just got here yesterday. I feel British; for as long as I've been here, I've managed to hold onto my English values and traditions and ignore the Canadian. I've been back to England numerous times since moving, because my dad lives there - my mother got remarried to a Canadian, and hence the reason I'm here.

I don't know exactly when I realised I missed England, but I think it was shortly after we first moved to Canada. So I would have been twelve. I remember feeling physically sick, just dying to go home, only I was too ashamed to say something to my mum because she loved it here, and made me think I should love it too. The Canadian person my mum came to live with (now my step-dad) made life in Canada seem so much better than living in rainy old England; he spoiled my sister and I with presents and took us out all over the place - and compared to our real dad, the choice between the two wasn't difficult. So, to my mum, we were all supposed to move off to Canada and live happily ever after. But after we settled with a home in Canada, it felt much different, and despite only being twelve I already felt misplaced and terribly confused. And that feeling, I suppose, just developed more and more until its now up to a point where I just feel empty and disorientated, wanting to cry every day and just stay in bed. Nothing motivates me, i have no passions; the feeling actually gets so awful, like a feeling of detachment and emptiness, I have to scratch or bang my wrist, or cut (woe is me). I don't want to say all my problems will be solved once I move back to England, because they very well might not be. But if I don't try, I'll never actually know.

I left all my friends behind and haven't since made any close, real friends. I feel like I've missed out on so much since leaving; and every time I go back for a visit, I have no desire to return to Canada. I feel so much more comfortable in the UK, like I belong. I can't pinpoint exactly what I miss, its just everything: the people, the scenery, the roads, the weather, the shops, the cafes, the food, the seaside, the country, etc. I'm trying not to look at it through "rose-tinted glasses" because I'm aware that there's bad things about the UK as well (but as there are with any place, I suppose), but I honestly cannot see any future for myself in Canada. Every time I think about having children here and a career, I just feel depressed.

I just don't know what to do. Most of my family is here now: my mum, my sister and my older brothers. My mum would resent me more than anything if I left and went back to England - she wants me here and makes me out to be a selfish person, and anytime I mention wanting to go back to England, she automatically presumes its because I prefer my dad to her. But that isn't it at all! She doesn't want me to go back because I would make her unhappy, but then what about me? I realise how selfish that sounds, but really, why should I stay here to make her happy when I'm unhappy myself? I just can't work out how to go about this, because I know I can't stay here forever. My current plan is to finish university here first, and continue working in the meantime, saving money to go back to the UK every now and again, get some bearings, and then finally make a decision to move or not. I want to move back more than anything, but I'm afraid and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just think to myself, "you're being silly, just let it go," but I can't. This has been going on for years; its no phase.

I'm sorry I wrote a whole book, and if you read all of it, I can't thank you enough for your time. I really had to write this and I hope I haven't wasted my time.

please help xox

Sorry to hear that you are so upset. As they say life is not a dress rehearsal, and you have to be happy.
You are an adult now, and very wise to finish Uni first.
How about taking a year out to go live and work over there, just to be sure moving there is what you want.
Your mum sounds like the selfish one, I have two girls now,albeit little, and much as I would miss them terribly, I could never guilt them into staying close by if I knew they were unhappy.

How would your mum take it, if you went out for a coffee or sat down just the two of you and you really explain how you feel.
Tell her its not to do with your father, but that you feel you need to see if life really is meant to be for you in the UK.
There are many reasons we all emigrate out here, but it doesnt have to be forever. And the beauty of us as individual people is that we can all do whats right for ourselves, no-one else.

You must talk to someone, preferably your mum and tell her how you feel.
pm me if you want to talk more, please dont feel alone
x

It does sound like you really need to talk to somebody about how you are feeling. Finishing University is a sensible move, and LucyLoveLock's suggestion of a year out seems like a great one, it is not as final as saying to your mum that you are moving back, just going for an extended visit. It would also give you something to look forward to and plan towards which may help with your feelings of depression. If you finally decide that moving back is what you want to do then you should feel no guilt about it, you are an adult and you should do what makes you happy.

Wow, you seem so sad. I know if I were your Mum, I would want to know how your feeling and help you work out a plan. Your Mum will be mortified to hear your harming yourself (I know I was when I found out my daughter was) and she'll want you to get help, so you can work out how your feeling. My advice to you, show your Mum this thread, let her read it and digest it and then try to talk about it without any anger or blame. It's important to you to find your happy place. Your Mum is probably scared about losing you to another country but deep down she'll know that if it's the thing that will make you happy then it will be what you have to do. Good luck with everything xx

Hey there

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I agree with Lucy's suggestion of spending a year in England and seeing where that takes you with your decisions. Like she said it's not a "forever" decision and the decision to do this may be more accepted by your mum?

If I were you I would plan to go for a year and make my mind up after being in England for a while. Go with an open mind and see if once you are there you actually want to live there for good.

I wish you all the best but and would gently point you towards maybe looking into getting some professional help to help you along a little bit.

Take care of yourself love.

xx

Oh, wow. I wasn't expecting so much input thank you all so, so much!

I never actually considered spending a year in the UK. That's a very good idea, as that will definitely give me a chance to make a solid decision; I could learn how to drive in that time, see my old friends and make new friends and connections, and all sorts of things like that, so then if I decide to come back for good, it won't be so daunting.

One thing I was considering was writing my mum a very long letter for her to read, explaining essentially what I explained on here - only in a more organized way, aha.

Thank you so much to everyone x

also, is it possible to delete this thread at any point?

Hi Millie
Maybe a mod will delete this thread for you - try sending a private message to Iaink and asking him.
I just wanted to say that I wish you SO much luck with your plans and I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. Have you tried talking to your doctor about how you feel? You sound like you need to.
Also, please tell your mum. I have children and so want to know when they are feeling unhappy.

Keep up the positive "finish Uni" plan and then look forward to a year back in England.

Good luck

Hi Millie.

I am a father of two boys, 12 and 13, and we are hopefully heading over to Canada within the next couple of years.

So this is a reversal of your situation, in that you can hear my point of view of a similar situation, but from the parent's perspective.

My youngest is desperate to go, so he's no problem. My oldest, Kyle, who is also much more mature than his brother, relatively speaking, is absolutely miserable at the prospect.

So much so that now we don't even mention it to him unless we have to.

Last week I had a chat with him, and explained that he should treat Canada as an experience, and a way to get citizenship of another country, so that in the future he would be able to choose from TWO countries where he'd like to spend his life.

Ailsa (my wife) and I, have told him that he is free to return to Scotland when he reaches the legal age. I used to think I'd be heartbroken to see him leave the family, but it's no different to him heading to Edinburgh or St Andrews for example, for University. And I have to think back to when I ;left school at 16, I was desperate to get the hell out of my parents house, lol.

With regards to how your mum feels, I have to disagree with some of the previous comments, about sitting down and chatting, and explaining in detail how you feel etc etc. Sorry to say, but some parents are just selfish, and never want to let go. I hope I'm wrong, but you probably know already how that conversation would go.

So at the the end of the day, you are an adult. You can choose your own destiny and make plans for your own future. If your mum doesn't respect that, then she's not doing it for you, she's doing it for her.

Please don't hurt yourself. There's always someone to talk to, rant to, cry to.

This may seem like just a forum full of wannabe immigrants, but you'll find a huge group of people willing to help and support you, who have been through what you're going through, or are about to.

Stay strong!

Millie, couldn't but agree with the sound advice you have received on here. I think writing a letter to your mum would be a good way to go as that way she can't dismiss your fears and feelings. You are an adult now, and it is entirely your choice where you choose to live. Your mum possibly feels guilt that you aren't happy and would prefer to not confront your feelings. Do you have any family, other than your dad in the UK, grandparents perhaps, who might be able to assist with your stay there. Millie what about now...there must be student counsellors who you can talk to? The moment you start talking to a trained experienced professional, they can start to help. You can't carry such great unhappiness on your own, especially when you are turning to self harm.

Hi Millie,
I'm sorry you feel so unhappy about your situation in Canada. I have to agree with a lot of what has already been said. I think you're wise to continue with your education and see that through. If you haven't already done so, take the opportunity now while you're in Canada to apply for your Canadian citizenship as that will afford you more options in the future. I do think you should seek out some counseling to help you cope as this self harm issue is very worrying - you shouldn't have to carry this burden around with you on your own. I may be old enough to be your mother but I'm still young enough to remember having the same feelings you have now; I carried them around for over forty years before coming back to England. I wish you all the best pet and feel free to PM me as well if you need someone to talk to.

Would there be the option of doing a year of your degree course in the UK. I know my daughter has met a number of students that have come to Canada to study for a year, so I would imagine it would work both ways.

Yes - but you'll have to get a mod to do it for you. iaink or christmasoompa can do it for you.

My 2c:

Firstly:
If you are actually self harming then you should get help otherwise stop being such an emo

Secondly:
Ignore your mother - she is being manipulative and hypocritical (she left her parents in the UK and took their granddaughter away).

Thirdly:
Save up some cash and go to the UK. You won't regret it.

I know very well how the conversation would go :') I've tried in the past, but now I don't even bring it up because I know where it will go.

omg. My emo days are long gone, eschewed with a firm hand.

This is exactly why I want to delete this thread eventually, as I'm so conscious of sounding like a whining teenager. I'm not the sort of person to swim around in self-pity, and that's why I'm on here looking for advice, because I normally don't seek it; I found this website by chance and it seemed a good opportunity to speak out about something nobody else will take seriously.