So here's my dilemma. It's my middle daughter's birthday tomorrow (14) and I have just found out that the sister-in-law has sent her birthday cards. What's wrong with that you may ask? Well in January it was my eldest daughter's birthday (15) and not a thing from her. Not even a happy birthday. I didn't say anything at the time but didn't get her kids anything when the time came. Thought that was the end of sending stuff.

What should I do? Confront her (again, long story) and risk an argument, upset family relations blah blah or keep quiet. But if I keep quiet it's like I've agreed with her treating my kids differently? Grrr she makes me so angry.

She is one of my irrational hatreds. Oops wrong thread.

Could it just be that she forgot? I personally would wait and if it happens again, then say something. The fact that she has sent this despite you not sending her kids anything I think means that it may have just been a simple mistake. If you do confront her, be ready for her to point out that you have since not sent her kids anything. In our family my brother just came out and said that he thought that as thinking of presents was becoming difficult, would it be best for us to just not send each others' kids anything anymore. It was absolutely fine and I was a bit relieved to be honest. We always send cards though.

I'm sure she is just tryin to make up for the missed birthday..

By the way, I went to St Aelreds RC High...(or technology college or whatever they call it now..

There's probably nothing intentional. Best is to resume your card sending and avoid setting yourself up for drawn out tit-for-tat feuds. Tell your older daughter that her scatterbrain auntie probably forgot the card on her birthday ...or maybe it was lost in the post?

You are over-reacting big time. Your daughter's birthday might be very close to your heart but it doesn't mean that it is the most important thing going on in your's sister in law's life. Perhaps she just forgot! If my sister-in-law had a go at me for forgetting a birthday I would give her a damn earful. I also think your tit for tat, punishing your nieces / nephews for your sister-in-laws oversight is really pathetic.

Why are us women always tasked with remembering the birthdays of every niece and nephew no matter what side of the family!

I'd agree that she probably just forgot, January is a bad time for birthdays imo, everyone is still getting over christmas and if she's in early Jan good chance that it's been and gone before they realise it. Wouldn't worry about it too much at this stage

As a mother I like them to be treated equally and whatever I say to my daughter about being forgotten is still not going to make her feel any better when she sees her sister's cards.
Perhaps I should just make this clear. My sister-in-law did not forget. She did the same thing with her own nephew last year (even though his birthday is on the same day as her own mother's) We live near each other and this is the first year that she has not bothered with my child. Even her own mother could not understand why she has not got her a card as she was at her mothers when the rest of the family cards were there. She even said herself not to bother now. All I'm saying is why is she picking and choosing who to send cards to. What might seem trivial and an oversight to some can hurt the child left out.

As for being pathetic in punishing my nieces and nephews, they never see the money that goes in the cards as the mother always 'borrows it'. However, I always make a fuss of them and treat them when they come to visit.

God I must be a terrible aunt, sister, niece, friend etc etc. I am always forgetting birthdays. Some people get a card and present - some don't. It depends if I remember. I must say that I quite like being on Facebook because even if I haven't sent a card, I can send a birthday wish(if I can be arsed!!!)

I tell you what REALLY annoys me. When our twin girls get one card or one present between them.

They're 2 kids for goodness sake, not one!

BB

Thats just terrible.....tight and a wanker!!

As for the sister, same thing happened with my son with my mother...she bought for every other grandchild apart from my son. Our rrelationship was already pretty precarious. We don't speak havn't for 3 years..her loss...ALL children should be treasted equally period. Call her on it! Ask her side...then let her have it!!


Now I sound Psycho!!

Oh we arent supposed to do that for twins? its cheaper that way...and after all its the same day...

Toitally feel for the OP... my grandmother used to favour my elder sister... it was obvious and extremely hurtful... my mother dealt with it by recognising it happened but making me accept that I couldn't make her care for me as much as she did for my sis... she would have her over for a birthday party on her birthday, but never me, gave us both similar presents but would let her choose which one she wanted first... she was the eldest... one year she gave us each a framed poster... both of us horse mad... one was of horses one was of a fluffy kitten... my sister choose the horse one... quel surprise!

my MIL does the same with my girls and boys... boys get everything... the girls get nothing... not even a card... The kangaroo kid feels it quite badly, so I'm open and honest with her and prepared to discuss what happens and how it makes her feel...

we never try and redress the balance...

Are you children that close to the auntie who didn't send the card? I somehow doubt it, as you are talking about a card, not a present. When they meet their auntie, does one of them get lots of attention and the other ignored? Again, I doubt it. If you are all that worried about it, talk to your sister-in-law.

My girls are 3 and 4 now, and don't always get something equally, whether it's birthdays, Christmas, or random occasions, from everyone.

When they turn 14 and 15, if similar thing happens and one of them feels hurt in the slightly way, I would be way more worried about my own daughter's way of dealing with the matter, than my sister-in-law's not sending a card.

May be I'm just a horrible mum.

Mrs JTL

P.S. The title of the thread is a bit misleading, IMHO. I'm always interested in learning about how to bring up my kids and thought there was something to be learnt. It should've been "My SIL didn't send a birthday card to one of my children", and I would not have even clicked on it.

They're just skint! At least your twins are being treated equally!

Mrs JTL

I honestly think you're making too much of it. Even if your SiL is favouring one over the other so what? You simply explain that she's obviously odd and has some issues that none of you understand and get used to shit happening in life. As for not sending stuff to her kids well I think that's daft. It's not her kids (presumably your brothers as well) fault that their mother doesn't send a card so why penalise them?

My mother has always favoured my sister's two girls over mine and my brother's children. They all know it and can't be arsed to worry about it. She also favours my sister massively over me and my brother. It's her problem, not ours. Your girls are old enough to know that life is not all sweetness and light and sometimes people don't like or bother with others, just as much with family members as with anyone else.