Tell a joke
Oct 5th 2006, 9:49 pm
#16
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Joined: Aug 2006
Location: Ningi, QLD
Posts: 1,777
Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by biggy
Whats the difference between a fanny and an oven
An oven doesnt fart when u take the meat out
An oven doesnt fart when u take the meat out
a fridge doesnt leak when you take the meat out
Sorry for this one as I am a woman
Oct 5th 2006, 9:50 pm
#17
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Joined: Aug 2006
Location: Ningi, QLD
Posts: 1,777
Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by biggy
Whats the difference between a fanny and an oven?
An oven doesnt fart when u take the meat out
An oven doesnt fart when u take the meat out
once you withdraw you lose intrest
Oct 5th 2006, 9:57 pm
#18
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2006
Location: Gold Coast
Posts: 25,277
Re: Tell a joke
I love this thread
Oct 5th 2006, 9:57 pm
#19
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Joined: Apr 2006
Location: South Coast, NSW
Posts: 4,214
Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by curly
I love this thread
Oct 5th 2006, 9:59 pm
#20
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2006
Location: Gold Coast
Posts: 25,277
Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by BertieB
you drunk curly
actually I'm always in a giggly mood
Oct 6th 2006, 7:20 am
#21
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Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: brisbane bayside
Posts: 384
Re: Tell a joke
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Oct 6th 2006, 7:32 am
#22
Banned
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,140
Re: Tell a joke
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
Oct 6th 2006, 6:25 pm
#23
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: north east england to south east queensland(cleveland in fact )WE WON THE CUP
Posts: 5,867
Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by Wife Beater
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
Oct 6th 2006, 10:59 pm
#24
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: Carramar WA
Posts: 452
Re: Tell a joke
A fan bought stevie wonder a cheese grater
He said it was the best book that he had ever read !!! LoL
He said it was the best book that he had ever read !!! LoL
Oct 7th 2006, 10:20 am
#25
Ashley Banjo Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: Edinburgh to Canungra - noice touch!
Posts: 748
Re: Tell a joke
OK, my favorite!
What's brown and sticky?........................................... ............A Stick!
What's brown and sticky?........................................... ............A Stick!
Oct 7th 2006, 10:36 am
#26
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,533
Re: Tell a joke
A train hits a busload of schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. =
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Kimberly, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Ms T sticks her arse in it!!"
Dave
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. =
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Kimberly, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Ms T sticks her arse in it!!"
Dave
Oct 7th 2006, 10:38 am
#27
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,533
Re: Tell a joke
Never buy a stupid dwarf.....
...its not big and its not clever...
Dave ( her other half incase you were wondering)
...its not big and its not clever...
Dave ( her other half incase you were wondering)
Oct 7th 2006, 10:40 am
#28
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,533
Re: Tell a joke
...and there`s more, this lot are soooo true
Things that make blokes proud of themselves :
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's
work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policemen but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says,
"but someone's got to keep the kids in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that
Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're
popular, it just means your mates are pis sed. However, the rest of the pub
doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue,apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
16. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.
17. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the
Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
18. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight
to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See
ya."
19. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you
the worlds best driver.
20. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.
21. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
22. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you
mad?"
Things that make blokes proud of themselves :
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's
work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policemen but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says,
"but someone's got to keep the kids in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that
Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're
popular, it just means your mates are pis sed. However, the rest of the pub
doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue,apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
16. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.
17. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the
Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
18. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight
to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See
ya."
19. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you
the worlds best driver.
20. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.
21. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
22. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you
mad?"
Oct 7th 2006, 10:42 am
#29
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,533
Re: Tell a joke
last one for a while and it`s a doozy...
While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush
a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg
raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so
the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one
knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot
only to find a large thorn deeply imbedded. As
carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn
and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The
elephant turns to face the man and stares at him
intently. For a good ten minutes the man and elephant
stand transfixed. Eventually the elephant turns and
walks away. For years after the man often remembers
and ponders the events of that day...
One day the man is walking through the zoo with his
son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of
the elephants turns and walks over to where they are
standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man
can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The
man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his
way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the
elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the
elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs
and swings him wildly back and forth along the
railing, instantly killing him.
Probably not the same elephant then.
While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush
a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg
raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so
the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one
knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot
only to find a large thorn deeply imbedded. As
carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn
and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The
elephant turns to face the man and stares at him
intently. For a good ten minutes the man and elephant
stand transfixed. Eventually the elephant turns and
walks away. For years after the man often remembers
and ponders the events of that day...
One day the man is walking through the zoo with his
son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of
the elephants turns and walks over to where they are
standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man
can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The
man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his
way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the
elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the
elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs
and swings him wildly back and forth along the
railing, instantly killing him.
Probably not the same elephant then.
Oct 7th 2006, 11:08 am
#30
Cake or Death
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,173
Re: Tell a joke
Two snowmen in a field, one turns to the other and says, "can you smell carrots?"