Tell a joke
Oct 15th 2006, 3:03 am
#61
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Re: Tell a joke
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
Oct 15th 2006, 6:16 pm
#62
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Joined: Sep 2002
Location: Wollongong Oz on 25th October 2002
Posts: 242
Re: Tell a joke
Why do women fake orgasms?
Cos they think men care!
Cos they think men care!
Oct 15th 2006, 10:14 pm
#63
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Posts: 8,635
Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by Debbie Jo
Why do women fake orgasms?
Cos they think men care!
Cos they think men care!
Oct 17th 2006, 6:46 am
#64
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Joined: Sep 2006
Location: reynella adelaide
Posts: 233
Re: Tell a joke
why do women have small feet ????
so they can get closer to the sink
so they can get closer to the sink
Oct 21st 2006, 9:08 pm
#65
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Re: Tell a joke
A ghost joke
What do ghosts have in the seats of their cars?
Sheet belts!
A ghost joke
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
A cannibal joke
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
He said ''So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses!
A cannibal joke
Why would the cannibal only eat babies?
He was on a diet!
A ghost joke
Where do ghosts go on holiday?
The Ghosta Brava!
A vampire joke
Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup?
It clotted!
A skeleton joke
Why did the skeleton run up a tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
What do ghosts have in the seats of their cars?
Sheet belts!
A ghost joke
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
A cannibal joke
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
He said ''So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses!
A cannibal joke
Why would the cannibal only eat babies?
He was on a diet!
A ghost joke
Where do ghosts go on holiday?
The Ghosta Brava!
A vampire joke
Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup?
It clotted!
A skeleton joke
Why did the skeleton run up a tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
Oct 21st 2006, 10:31 pm
#66
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Location: waikanae
Posts: 4,148
Re: Tell a joke
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Oct 21st 2006, 11:41 pm
#67
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Location: forest lake brisbane
Posts: 486
Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by dakesojo
Hi all lets see who has the best joke here goes
why did the lobster blush?------------ because the seaweed (sea weeded its self)
why did the lobster blush?------------ because the seaweed (sea weeded its self)
RIDE ON ON MOWER!
Oct 22nd 2006, 12:13 am
#68
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Re: Tell a joke
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's. He gave all the
children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"
children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"
Oct 22nd 2006, 2:35 am
#69
Account Closed
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 8,635
Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by Clan Fortune
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's. He gave all the
children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"
children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"
PMSL
Oct 22nd 2006, 3:14 am
#70
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Re: Tell a joke
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Oct 25th 2006, 7:44 am
#71
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Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by dakesojo
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Oct 25th 2006, 9:00 am
#72
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Location: South Coast, NSW
Posts: 4,214
Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by dakesojo
come on someone must have a good joke out there
above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify
me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Oct 25th 2006, 9:56 pm
#73
Account Closed
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 8,635
Re: Tell a joke
Originally Posted by dakesojo
come on someone must have a good joke out there
Guy Ritchie has been quoted as saying its the last time he give's his missus his credit card and tells her to go and get herself a little black number
Oct 25th 2006, 11:35 pm
#74
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Location: On the edge of the Dandenongs, Melbourne
Posts: 2,387
Re: Tell a joke
Not a joke as such, but quite funny:
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Oct 25th 2006, 11:39 pm
#75
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Location: On the edge of the Dandenongs, Melbourne
Posts: 2,387
Re: Tell a joke
Living Will
While I was watching the U.S. Open this weekend, my wife and I got into a
conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids
from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
While I was watching the U.S. Open this weekend, my wife and I got into a
conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids
from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
