livinginreality

Hi I've had abit of experience with this one myself!Oldest daughter did'nt want to move house (in the UK)with us.She was working fulltime.She talked us round to her staying put and she found a flat with a female workmate.2 weeks before she was due to move,the landlord cornered us one night and announced that our daughter could only have the flat it we were guarantours?I told my OH no way (she had been unreliable in the past with money issues)but unfortunately my OH was approached one night by the landlord whilst dropping off some belongings,and pretty much told firmly by l/lord to sign on the dotted line which he did (huge mistake).A few months down the line,daughter jumped ship and moved down with us.A month later the landlord sent us a letter from a solicitor saying we owed £750 in lost rent (daughter had'nt paid any)and we had one month to pay up or he'd be taking legal action.I was absolutely furious!We paid up (no choice)and daughter still has'nt paid us one penny of it back and probably never will.Yes I have learnt from it!

Zambia

I still think £800 is a lot for a young person in a shared space, but I could be wrong. What I pay for rent now a bit like your figure Louise and what I paid at 20 are worlds apart. Unless she is requesting money for upcoming rent as well.

In light of the drug thing I just said it was possible I by no means said it was a sure thing, any parent should watch for a child looking for large sums of money especially from different sources. One with criminal connections would be another warning flag. And I also stated it should be watched for if more money was asked, I never said hold an intervention ffs.

As for this by tomar
"As for the unnecessary comments about epileptics taking banned drugs, my daughter's attitude has always been that she has to take enough pills to keep her condition stable so to take anything else is just plain stupid. An attitude shared by others that she knows."

With all due respect Tomar I am glad your daughter handles her condition very well but having a daughter with the condition does not make you an expert on every young person that has the condition, how they think, or what they do.

As for calling my comments unnecessary ... that came across to me as stuck up.

SASBear I have a few mates who where terrible kids, and they turned out fine.

Littletashy

Hi, I just wanted to say that as the Sister of a guy who always borrows money from my skint and retired parents It is a very difficult decision for you to make.

My brother always needs money from my folks for everything from nappies for his little girl..and the amazingly often "They messed up my wages"(he works for royal mail). Trouble is he never ever pays them back, and no matter how skint he is he always has money for beer Recently he managed to get about 500 pounds out of them for a survey on a house and I later found out he'd scammed my sister for a similar amount. (And never did buy the house.)
My point, really, is that if you give it with no conditions it will always be expected, if She fails to pay you back and you lend her more at another time she will come to expect it and in fairness every child believes that their parents have an unlimited pot of cash. However if she manages to come up with it all (as a good will thing) you could just take half of it, and let her spend the rest whilst on her holiday with you.

Tasha xxx (I floated over)

sasbear

Thanks to all so far on this thread.

It is a dilemma for sure.... I still haven't managed to cotnact daughter yet to discuss and the longer I leave it the closer i come to a decision.

I am tending to move towards 'I won't send cash (don't have too much spare right now anyhow - unless dire emergency) now. I often get gifts from my elderly grandma of cash who will not take NO for an answer. I intend to speak to my Gran next week as my birthday is approaching this month. She has already asked my son to collect the cash and transfer and I have asked him to hold fire on this. I will probably ask my son to hold onto the cash and depending on how much, will split between the two of them. Then I would feel happier.

Tom, my son, could have reaaly done with some help financially recently. He moved out of his dad's place and started a life with his GF - he never once asked. I feel that would be only fair.

LouiseR

As mentioned she is moving OUT of shared accomodation. So £800 for a bond is not entirely unreasonable.

asprilla

well, good luck with whatever you decide sasbear...its a tricky one, for sure.

In the event that you do send cash and you are concerned about future cash requests as a result....well you really need to lay down the law from the outset about repayments, as other posters have suggested.

cheers

Burbage

Actually, if someone is looking for cash the man to talk to is Kevin Rudd.

sasbear

got his email ????

Burbage

I think you just have to stick your hand out.

sasbear

You mean like when you seea bus??

TiddlyPom

Apparently this bus will stop without a hand even going out.

I'm impressed.

sasbear

Well while I was dithering and trying to work out what i would do - I received an email from her on facebook that basically 'told me off for ignoring her'. And not to worry she would manage without me as she has done before.....

I picked the phone up immediatley and explained I was still thinking about it and that I had decided more or less to split my birthday money between her and her brother.

Think I am toughening up at last. She was off with me and has since posted a few ruthless and hurtful remarks on Facebook (not directly at me but doesn't take a rocket scientist to work it out) .

I have been unable to contact her for well over a week now and she is not answering her phone or mobile.

I know she is trying to manipulate me - and is now kicking off because it hasn't worked.

Being a parent at times like this is difficult enough when you have the child with you - let alone thousands of miles away and absent.

I am not sure if she still wants to come and visit - but I am not holding my breath. Nor am I going to ask her again. I think the time is almost here to say....'move on' after all she is 20 this year and no longer a child. I can no longer be blamed for the misgivings in her life - we all have to take responsibility for our self at some point.

Thank you for all your kind words over the years that have helped me to come to terms with being an absent parent - and for getting me to the point I am at today.

Sarahxx

donna

I do feel for you and god knows what i would do in that situation .But i think you have just solved your own problem,you know sometimes when you have a problem and dont know what to do,then you share it with a friend and hear yourself saying the words ,and think,you silly bugger ,yes thats what i need to do,well i think you have just done that.Does that make sense??anyway i think you have done the right thing,oh and give Tom all the birthday and teach her a lesson for being sooo rude(only joking)

Syedney

I know it may sound like easy to say but hard to do, and it is !! but stay strong...

She will notice the change in you....(Can't take you for ride anymore) and ultimately will respect you for this...

You're doing the right thing so stay strong...Hopefully the whole episode wil make see who she really is: a little child playing childish manipulating tricks on parents...She may even grow up after this.

You can cruel to be kind too, you know?

somme

Hi Sasbear, I have left older children back in the Uk and know all about the guilt trip, what you are suggesting seems really fair, I only wish I had made desions like that in the past .............good luck with whatever you decide. Somehow unless they get exactly what they want, you are in the wrong.