sasbear

Well most of you who have been on here for a while know the extent of my relationship with my estranged daughter back in the UK. It has only picked up over the last 13 months and has progressed a little but not too much.

She is 19 and will be 20 at thee nd of the year but is not a mature 19. I received an email asking me for approx 300 pounds ( or something towards it). She needs this to get a bond together so she can move out of the shared house she is staying in. she says her dad has given her 300 pounds and his ex GF has given her 200 pounds.

She has never asked me for anything since and I am not rich but could stretch and send this (and in my own mind and heart I already know that I will send) but I do have concerns so thought I would ask a few wise people who may have a greater insight into this.

She left home at 16/17 (home being the house where her dad stayed part of the week at the other end of the country from all her fmaily) and moved in with her BF - since splitting with him (loser big time) she didn't move back to the house where her dad's EX GF lives. She was given a home in a shared house as she needed somewhere to live. She liked living there to begin but now hates it. Says it is too noisy.

Lat week she told me her new BF has just got sent down for 28 days for not paying fines ( and not sure what esle TBH - the thought of my daughter mixing with someone who has been in prison really scares me) and she intended to move in with him and HIS mum (yes he is 30 year old who has a bad past and she wants to give him a chance) I tried talking to her and told her to put herself first and not to try and sort out other people's problems.....not sure if that fell on deaf ears.

So if/when i send some cash contribution, how do I know that it won't be squandered on nothing? How do i know she isn't asking so she can help her new BF out? How do I know after all this time whether she sees me as a soft touch??

i feel guilty enough knowing that the other children have had the opportunities ect that she never had.

Any views - but please show some sensitvity for my sake.

Thank you

kporte

You'll send her the cash Sas. Probably the wrong thing to do though.
Not an easy one and either way you will not feel comfortable about it.

FluffieFaerie

Hmmm that's a tough one. I think you need to have a bit of trust in your daughter at this stage. There is every possibility that she will squander it but we're not talking about thousands of pounds here so why don't you give her the cash as a long-term loan under the condition that there will be no further loans until she has paid off that loan and she can pay it off in her own time...? That way if she does pay you off you can have a little more faith that she will be responsible with any further loans down the line. Even if she's not mature, she is old enough to be responsible for her own cash-flow so personally I wouldn't be giving hand-outs without conditions attached. Even at that age I wasn't happy asking for money from my folks unless I absolutely had to and then I always made sure that I paid it off as soon as I could as I knew they'd never lend to me again if I didn't. Hope this helps a bit.

goldchoccycoin

Maybe you can agree to pay but you'll only transfer the money into the landlord's account? Then at least you know where it's going.

Good luck.

emelems

If it were me I would prob just send the cash as it was my daughter... I would be tempted to agree it as a loan ? If I remember rightly the ex's GF is no help to you as it would be much easier if you all pulled together and agreed how much you were going to help her out also?

Oh, I don't know! Its so hard when its your children isnt it? If she does get a bit expectant then I think telling her "no I can't" isnt unreasonable.. but I personally think that it is the usual rules of warning in advance... ie, this is the last time I can do this?

Good luck Sasbear!

Em x

sasbear

Thanks for that everyone.

I did consider saying i would send the money but I have taken it out of the savings I have for her airfare (she is supposed to be coming out for her first time holiday later this year - fingers crossed) so that she knows it isn't easy spend money and maybe say that I may not have enough money saved if she decides to come sooner rather than later?

Burbage

Tell her to send you the 700 quid and that you'll pay the full bond directly to the landlord. See if trust goes both ways.

TiddlyPom

Ditto. Would pay your share direct to landlord...

Perthforme

If you have the £ send it , its only money . How much would you have spent on her if she was still at home . Way more I'd guess?

moneypenny20

You're obviously going to do it, you've too much to lose if you don't and she backs off. However, as others have said, I'd ask for the bank details of the landlord and agree to pay it direct - say it would be easier for all. She'll know you're not going to be a soft touch but that you'll help her out of a hole.

Unfortunately we can't control who our adult (or even nearly adult) children do or don't hook up with, can only be there to pick up the pieces after.

hevs

Good advice re the landlord thing...good luck!

sasbear

Thanks - but I feel in my heart of hearts this will be a no go and her argument will be 'you obviously don't trust me' wherin the relationship could brake down again.

I think I will sleep on it before replying to her email.

Weird Fish

£700 for a bond is ok, but not exactly on the cheap side. Is she able to continue with the rent, which I assume is also £700 per month + all the bills on top. If this would be a struggle for her, you aren't really helping by giving her the cash.

I'm not saying don't give her the help, but make sure she has done her sums.

billymacker

Tell her NO get a job and stay in and save so she can pay her own bills

sasbear

unfortunatley she is not working even part time as she has just undergone 2 serious operations over the last 4 months ( one lat week) - also she is just coming to terms with epilepsy so until her medication is settled she is struggling to find anyone who will employ her doing the part time work she did before (kitchen/dining area).

hopefully once she finishes college (full time right now) she will have more financial stability - and be in a better position.