Request for cash. What would you do?
Mar 2nd 2009, 6:45 pm
#16
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
unfortunatley she is not working even part time as she has just undergone 2 serious operations over the last 4 months ( one lat week) - also she is just coming to terms with epilepsy so until her medication is settled she is struggling to find anyone who will employ her doing the part time work she did before (kitchen/dining area).
hopefully once she finishes college (full time right now) she will have more financial stability - and be in a better position.
hopefully once she finishes college (full time right now) she will have more financial stability - and be in a better position.
Mar 2nd 2009, 8:57 pm
#17
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
unfortunatley she is not working even part time as she has just undergone 2 serious operations over the last 4 months ( one lat week) - also she is just coming to terms with epilepsy so until her medication is settled she is struggling to find anyone who will employ her doing the part time work she did before (kitchen/dining area).
hopefully once she finishes college (full time right now) she will have more financial stability - and be in a better position.
hopefully once she finishes college (full time right now) she will have more financial stability - and be in a better position.
If it were me, i'd want to see proof that she can make the regular monthly rent + bills payments, then I'd happily give her the money.
Mar 2nd 2009, 9:20 pm
#18
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
Being young can be tough, but you have to make do with some things that aren't perfect. If she isn't working how on earth does she expect to pay the monthly rent. Living alone might seem like a good idea for now, but once bills become her complete responsibility, along with college, cooking, cleaning etc she might think differently.
Personally I would be using this as a life lesson, you can't be bailed out all the time, she has already been given somewhere to live, but isn't happy with it
Personally I would be using this as a life lesson, you can't be bailed out all the time, she has already been given somewhere to live, but isn't happy with it
Mar 3rd 2009, 5:48 am
#19
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
My mother (68 yr old pensioner) has given her grandson (younger brothers eldest son) thousands of $$$ of the years.He is a 22 years old lazy student who appears to live a very social life style but doesnt work to pay for it. In January he asked my mother for and got $1500 "as a loan". a few weeks later, my twin brother caught him stealing money out of my mothers handbag. After all the kindness my mother has shown my little shite of an nephew over the years, this is how he repays this kindness.
We have suspected for some period of time that he had been helping himself to my mothers money (we are talking hundreds of $$$ at a time has been going missing). Only my nephew knows how much he has taken and for how long this has been going on.
Sasbear, I know you want to do the right thing by your daughter but be aware, not everybody has scruples when dealing with family.
Barney
Mar 3rd 2009, 6:22 am
#20
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
I hear what you are saying.
My mother (68 yr old pensioner) has given her grandson (younger brothers eldest son) thousands of $$$ of the years.He is a 22 years old lazy student who appears to live a very social life style but doesnt work to pay for it. In January he asked my mother for and got $1500 "as a loan". a few weeks later, my twin brother caught him stealing money out of my mothers handbag. After all the kindness my mother has shown my little shite of an nephew over the years, this is how he repays this kindness.
We have suspected for some period of time that he had been helping himself to my mothers money (we are talking hundreds of $$$ at a time has been going missing). Only my nephew knows how much he has taken and for how long this has been going on.
Sasbear, I know you want to do the right thing by your daughter but be aware, not everybody has scruples when dealing with family.
Barney
My mother (68 yr old pensioner) has given her grandson (younger brothers eldest son) thousands of $$$ of the years.He is a 22 years old lazy student who appears to live a very social life style but doesnt work to pay for it. In January he asked my mother for and got $1500 "as a loan". a few weeks later, my twin brother caught him stealing money out of my mothers handbag. After all the kindness my mother has shown my little shite of an nephew over the years, this is how he repays this kindness.
We have suspected for some period of time that he had been helping himself to my mothers money (we are talking hundreds of $$$ at a time has been going missing). Only my nephew knows how much he has taken and for how long this has been going on.
Sasbear, I know you want to do the right thing by your daughter but be aware, not everybody has scruples when dealing with family.
Barney
I still haven't decided - so am going to speak to her first. then decide.
Thank yu for all comments - especially the ones about her not being able to make the rent. Big consideration. Maybe she is going to ask her new BF to move in with her? I hope not.
Mar 3rd 2009, 7:36 am
#21
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
Give her the money no strings. If there are anymore requests in the near future then that says what the sentiment is. At least you'll have no regret that you didn't try to help.
Tough decision, good luck with it.
Cooler
Tough decision, good luck with it.
Cooler
Mar 3rd 2009, 8:22 am
#22
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
Oh dear Sas, what a dilemma.
I'd be tempted to go with "this is a loan" and keep a tally sheet - then if and when she decides to repay you then you can make the decision about whether you accept her repayment or not. Then, if she makes more demands you can either say - "you didnt repay the last one" or "of course, here it is" if she did repay or offer to repay.
Sometimes one has to stop enabling undesirable behaviour so at this point in time I would give one of my sons whatever he asked for but I would lend to the other and expect repayment (he hasnt quite learned his lesson yet!). I guess it all depends whether you approve of what she is doing or not.
Good luck with it!
I'd be tempted to go with "this is a loan" and keep a tally sheet - then if and when she decides to repay you then you can make the decision about whether you accept her repayment or not. Then, if she makes more demands you can either say - "you didnt repay the last one" or "of course, here it is" if she did repay or offer to repay.
Sometimes one has to stop enabling undesirable behaviour so at this point in time I would give one of my sons whatever he asked for but I would lend to the other and expect repayment (he hasnt quite learned his lesson yet!). I guess it all depends whether you approve of what she is doing or not.
Good luck with it!
Mar 3rd 2009, 8:29 am
#23
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
Oh dear Sas, what a dilemma.
I'd be tempted to go with "this is a loan" and keep a tally sheet - then if and when she decides to repay you then you can make the decision about whether you accept her repayment or not. Then, if she makes more demands you can either say - "you didnt repay the last one" or "of course, here it is" if she did repay or offer to repay.
Sometimes one has to stop enabling undesirable behaviour so at this point in time I would give one of my sons whatever he asked for but I would lend to the other and expect repayment (he hasnt quite learned his lesson yet!). I guess it all depends whether you approve of what she is doing or not.
Good luck with it!
I'd be tempted to go with "this is a loan" and keep a tally sheet - then if and when she decides to repay you then you can make the decision about whether you accept her repayment or not. Then, if she makes more demands you can either say - "you didnt repay the last one" or "of course, here it is" if she did repay or offer to repay.
Sometimes one has to stop enabling undesirable behaviour so at this point in time I would give one of my sons whatever he asked for but I would lend to the other and expect repayment (he hasnt quite learned his lesson yet!). I guess it all depends whether you approve of what she is doing or not.
Good luck with it!
Just got off the phone with son back in the UK - had a great chat with him and feel a lot easier about making a decision now. Although the guilt will still be there (isn't it always) I want to make the right decison for the right reasons.
Mar 3rd 2009, 9:01 am
#24
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
She is 19 and will be 20 at thee nd of the year but is not a mature 19. I received an email asking me for approx 300 pounds ( or something towards it). She needs this to get a bond together so she can move out of the shared house she is staying in. she says her dad has given her 300 pounds and his ex GF has given her 200 pounds.
( and not sure what esle TBH - the thought of my daughter mixing with someone who has been in prison really scares me) and she intended to move in with him and HIS mum (yes he is 30 year old who has a bad past and she wants to give him a chance) I tried talking to her and told her to put herself first and not to try and sort out other people's problems.....not sure if that fell on deaf ears.
And
"Hes only staying with his mum cause she needs him"
With to boyfriends with time in stir I suspect your little girl may be playing with narcotics, I have known epiletics to risk it. Send her the cash (she would get it anyway) if another request for more comes very soon be worried.
I once had a girl who was the exactly like your daughter sounds rent a room of me and she played everyone...Except me
Mar 3rd 2009, 9:53 am
#25
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
With the greatest respect how on earth can you suspect such a thing from the very little Sas has posted? Her daughter is a teenager, she may well have tried stuff, not denying that, but I fail to see how you can justify your statement on the details given.
Mar 3rd 2009, 10:04 am
#26
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
Sorry I dont but i would like to mention a few things that worried me, in general the amount is not huge and I would give her the cash but emphasis on the fact you are dipping into meagre savings.
£500 + £300 is a hefty figure for a bond for a shared space in a house , how much was the rent ? Bond should be approx a months rent.
£500 + £300 is a hefty figure for a bond for a shared space in a house , how much was the rent ? Bond should be approx a months rent.
It says she's moving out of shared accomodation. The bond for our UK house is £850, rent is £750 this what the letting agents set it as.
I agree with Moneypen. You may well be right, I'm not saying you are, but your statement seems a little presumptuous. I'd think carefully before you start accusing people's children, estranged or otherwise, of being drug users. I'm sure you wouldn't like someone throwing round accusations like that about any of your children without substance.
Last edited by LouiseR; Mar 3rd 2009 at 10:05 am. Reason: sp
Mar 3rd 2009, 10:08 am
#27
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
Sorry I dont but i would like to mention a few things that worried me, in general the amount is not huge and I would give her the cash but emphasis on the fact you are dipping into meagre savings.
£500 + £300 is a hefty figure for a bond for a shared space in a house , how much was the rent ? Bond should be approx a months rent.
She wants to get out of the 'shared house' - not into one. She wants her own flat/bedsit.
This sounds like a lie a down play of criminal behaviour , Google his name see if he pops up for something else.
Don't know his full name.
"what do you know you have never been in love"
And
"Hes only staying with his mum cause she needs him"
With to boyfriends with time in stir I suspect your little girl may be playing with narcotics, I have known epiletics to risk it. Send her the cash (she would get it anyway) if another request for more comes very soon be worried.
I once had a girl who was the exactly like your daughter sounds rent a room of me and she played everyone...Except me
£500 + £300 is a hefty figure for a bond for a shared space in a house , how much was the rent ? Bond should be approx a months rent.
She wants to get out of the 'shared house' - not into one. She wants her own flat/bedsit.
This sounds like a lie a down play of criminal behaviour , Google his name see if he pops up for something else.
Don't know his full name.
"what do you know you have never been in love"
And
"Hes only staying with his mum cause she needs him"
With to boyfriends with time in stir I suspect your little girl may be playing with narcotics, I have known epiletics to risk it. Send her the cash (she would get it anyway) if another request for more comes very soon be worried.
I once had a girl who was the exactly like your daughter sounds rent a room of me and she played everyone...Except me
sorry about your girl - and I hope and prey she doesn't go down this route as so many kids do today.
Mar 3rd 2009, 12:34 pm
#28
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
H Sasbear, as you know I can probably sympathise more than most.
From my experience I know my daughter has appeared more vulnerable than others who don't have epilepsy, and has needed the reassurance of a relationship again more than most. Obviously made worse by the fact of us being overseas for work. She has had more than one boyfriend that we have been unhappy with.
Is there a family member that she could stay with, that could give her the support she needs? We didn't but her 2 brothers were always there for her.
This might be one time you might have to help out with money, but stress that it isn't easy to find the money, so she can't rely on you for future help.
There are times in our daughter's lives that they really do need their mum, and when you live so far away, perhaps helping out with the money will help ease the distance. Your decision.
As for the unnecessary comments about epileptics taking banned drugs, my daughter's attitude has always been that she has to take enough pills to keep her condition stable so to take anything else is just plain stupid. An attitude shared by others that she knows.
Good luck, long distance parenting is very hard.
From my experience I know my daughter has appeared more vulnerable than others who don't have epilepsy, and has needed the reassurance of a relationship again more than most. Obviously made worse by the fact of us being overseas for work. She has had more than one boyfriend that we have been unhappy with.
Is there a family member that she could stay with, that could give her the support she needs? We didn't but her 2 brothers were always there for her.
This might be one time you might have to help out with money, but stress that it isn't easy to find the money, so she can't rely on you for future help.
There are times in our daughter's lives that they really do need their mum, and when you live so far away, perhaps helping out with the money will help ease the distance. Your decision.
As for the unnecessary comments about epileptics taking banned drugs, my daughter's attitude has always been that she has to take enough pills to keep her condition stable so to take anything else is just plain stupid. An attitude shared by others that she knows.
Good luck, long distance parenting is very hard.
Mar 3rd 2009, 12:40 pm
#29
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
H Sasbear, as you know I can probably sympathise more than most.
From my experience I know my daughter has appeared more vulnerable than others who don't have epilepsy, and has needed the reassurance of a relationship again more than most. Obviously made worse by the fact of us being overseas for work. She has had more than one boyfriend that we have been unhappy with.
Is there a family member that she could stay with, that could give her the support she needs? We didn't but her 2 brothers were always there for her.
This might be one time you might have to help out with money, but stress that it isn't easy to find the money, so she can't rely on you for future help.
There are times in our daughter's lives that they really do need their mum, and when you live so far away, perhaps helping out with the money will help ease the distance. Your decision.
As for the unnecessary comments about epileptics taking banned drugs, my daughter's attitude has always been that she has to take enough pills to keep her condition stable so to take anything else is just plain stupid. An attitude shared by others that she knows.
Good luck, long distance parenting is very hard.
From my experience I know my daughter has appeared more vulnerable than others who don't have epilepsy, and has needed the reassurance of a relationship again more than most. Obviously made worse by the fact of us being overseas for work. She has had more than one boyfriend that we have been unhappy with.
Is there a family member that she could stay with, that could give her the support she needs? We didn't but her 2 brothers were always there for her.
This might be one time you might have to help out with money, but stress that it isn't easy to find the money, so she can't rely on you for future help.
There are times in our daughter's lives that they really do need their mum, and when you live so far away, perhaps helping out with the money will help ease the distance. Your decision.
As for the unnecessary comments about epileptics taking banned drugs, my daughter's attitude has always been that she has to take enough pills to keep her condition stable so to take anything else is just plain stupid. An attitude shared by others that she knows.
Good luck, long distance parenting is very hard.
Her brother ( a sensible lad - loves her dearly but does not have the patience needed to help her out and is in Sheffield - she is in Milton Keynes). Her dad is still there and as much as i despise the man - I would gladly have a discussion on the best way to set her straight. I am aware that he is worried too and seems that what she emailed me about money being received from him may not be all that true.
She has been in the position (my fault and her dad's) to play both of us off together for years now and with the distance it makes it worse.
i spoke with son earlier and without getting him to embroiled in it all - asked him to point his dad in my general direction the next time he was at his wits end.
I am not looking for blame here with him (doesn't matter how she is now) it is how do we get her sorted. That is the only important thing.
Mar 3rd 2009, 7:54 pm
#30
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Re: Request for cash. What would you do?
Well most of you who have been on here for a while know the extent of my relationship with my estranged daughter back in the UK. It has only picked up over the last 13 months and has progressed a little but not too much.
She is 19 and will be 20 at thee nd of the year but is not a mature 19. I received an email asking me for approx 300 pounds ( or something towards it). She needs this to get a bond together so she can move out of the shared house she is staying in. she says her dad has given her 300 pounds and his ex GF has given her 200 pounds.
She has never asked me for anything since and I am not rich but could stretch and send this (and in my own mind and heart I already know that I will send) but I do have concerns so thought I would ask a few wise people who may have a greater insight into this.
She left home at 16/17 (home being the house where her dad stayed part of the week at the other end of the country from all her fmaily) and moved in with her BF - since splitting with him (loser big time) she didn't move back to the house where her dad's EX GF lives. She was given a home in a shared house as she needed somewhere to live. She liked living there to begin but now hates it. Says it is too noisy.
Lat week she told me her new BF has just got sent down for 28 days for not paying fines ( and not sure what esle TBH - the thought of my daughter mixing with someone who has been in prison really scares me) and she intended to move in with him and HIS mum (yes he is 30 year old who has a bad past and she wants to give him a chance) I tried talking to her and told her to put herself first and not to try and sort out other people's problems.....not sure if that fell on deaf ears.
So if/when i send some cash contribution, how do I know that it won't be squandered on nothing? How do i know she isn't asking so she can help her new BF out? How do I know after all this time whether she sees me as a soft touch??
i feel guilty enough knowing that the other children have had the opportunities ect that she never had.
Any views - but please show some sensitvity for my sake.
Thank you
She is 19 and will be 20 at thee nd of the year but is not a mature 19. I received an email asking me for approx 300 pounds ( or something towards it). She needs this to get a bond together so she can move out of the shared house she is staying in. she says her dad has given her 300 pounds and his ex GF has given her 200 pounds.
She has never asked me for anything since and I am not rich but could stretch and send this (and in my own mind and heart I already know that I will send) but I do have concerns so thought I would ask a few wise people who may have a greater insight into this.
She left home at 16/17 (home being the house where her dad stayed part of the week at the other end of the country from all her fmaily) and moved in with her BF - since splitting with him (loser big time) she didn't move back to the house where her dad's EX GF lives. She was given a home in a shared house as she needed somewhere to live. She liked living there to begin but now hates it. Says it is too noisy.
Lat week she told me her new BF has just got sent down for 28 days for not paying fines ( and not sure what esle TBH - the thought of my daughter mixing with someone who has been in prison really scares me) and she intended to move in with him and HIS mum (yes he is 30 year old who has a bad past and she wants to give him a chance) I tried talking to her and told her to put herself first and not to try and sort out other people's problems.....not sure if that fell on deaf ears.
So if/when i send some cash contribution, how do I know that it won't be squandered on nothing? How do i know she isn't asking so she can help her new BF out? How do I know after all this time whether she sees me as a soft touch??
i feel guilty enough knowing that the other children have had the opportunities ect that she never had.
Any views - but please show some sensitvity for my sake.
Thank you
Really hard one: like being between a rock and a hard place..
You're doomed if you and doomed if you don't
My gut reaction is this request maybe something to do with BF.After all, your daughter never asked for anything before, so why now??
From you last few sentences, I can see the guilt trip...It's lit up like Christmas tree I am afraid...
Don't let your emotions get better off you...Tell her that you'll always try to help her but to do this, you need to make sure that you're helping her and her only. Can't she provide you with details of the bond and contant no, you can call and verify. Tell her that you will then make all the arrangements for her to be able to make the move.
Can you not find out from her dad is this is true? don't ask him just get talking...
Like many have said here, I am afraid you will be sending the money...And your daughter knows this too...Just as long as you know you're doing the right thing, and feel happy about doing it, do it and don't regret it...
She may not be the perfect girl right now, but if you stand by her and also advise her of correct things, and even if she doesn't take it, one day she will thank you...
You can only be righteous...come rain or shine, be yourself and be fair. One day she'll see you for this.
Hope this helped.
