midgetjan

Are you PROUD to be a brit?



Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
DIET coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

and finally...
In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

midgetjan

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the
office.

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by
saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my
other eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand
quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you
six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee
into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major
loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in
his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come
in here and p*ss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.

midgetjan

Old people are not so dumb.
$7 SEX

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sextherapist's office. The doctor asks,
'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexualintercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with The way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married so we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

Bernieboy

Old woman walks into the dentists surgery drops her pants hops on the chair with her legs in the air.The dentist says " sorry madam but im a dentist not a gynaeocologist" The old dear says " i know that,i want you to remove my husbands teeth"

Sally Simpson

Brilliant!


Eeeewwwwww!

cresta57

Yes it's a swear word, yes I'm a moderator, yes it's funny, Don't click on it if your easily offended as I can't be bothered to edit it just so you don't complain?

johnnyyt

Loved the picture - even better loved the attitude.

Johnnyyt

Pollyana

Contrary to popular opinion Mods do have a wicked sense of humour

Sally Simpson

Hmmm? Perhaps we should have a vote on this one!

TakenThePlunge

but when they give each other certificates like this, you have to wonder

Blossom

What's the difference between Aussies and pigs ?

Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.


What's the difference between an Australian and a
computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.


Why do birds fly upside down over Australian ?

It's not worth shitting on.


Why was the Christ Child not born in Australia ?

You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less
a virgin

What do you call a field full of Australians ?

A vacant lot.


Parachutes
-
An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New
Zealander were onboard a plane, getting ready to make their
first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he
leapt out of the plane with the cry, " I am doing this for my
country......" The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards,
 calling out the same words. Then the New Zealander ripped the
parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and
cried, "I am doing this for my country......"

Gandhi
- Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example,
 they think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.


How do you define 144 Australians ?

Gross stupidity

Height and Position
- The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position,
 replied, "I'm 5"11' and sitting in the front seat

What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test ?

A cheat

An Aussie is proof that God has a sense humour

What do you call an Aussie with half a brain ?

Gifted.


The hundred dollar note
- If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a
room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it
first ? The blonde - the other two don't exist.


How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate
chip cookies ?
Ten. One to make the butter, and nine to peel the M&Ms.


What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you ?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant ?

The brain rejected him a week later.

What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians ?

At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.

Conversion
- An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited
a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well", said the
doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot
that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain."
 "That's OK", said the Englishman. "I have always wanted to be
Irish and I am prepared to take the risk." The operation went
ahead but Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face
of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry !" the doctor said
"Instead of removing half the brain, I have a taken the whole
brain out!" The patient replied, "It's all right mate !"


What does an Australian girl use for protection
during sex ?

A bus shelter.

Newsflash !
 Paul Keating's library burned down at weekend and two books
were destroyed ! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished
colouring in one of them.


Japanese Camera
- There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a
shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his
mouth shut.


IQ
- Did you know that New Zealanders who emigrate to Australia
raise the IQ of both countries ?


And finally ……..

Why do Australians only have half an hour for their lunch break?
Any longer and they would have to be retrained!!

Kim67

Newsflash ! You're a couple of prime ministers and 15 years out of date.

calNgary

how do we no jesus was not an aussy

because they havent got 3 wise men

Blossom

I know, but I didn't write them just copied and pasted for your pleasure!

framac67

Fat bird in a bar says "If you can guess my weight, you can shag me"
Guy says "About 93 stone ya fat ugly bitch"
She says "thats close enough ya lucky bastard"