memewest

cresta57

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.



On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.



The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.



The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.



He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour thingyhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'



'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'



He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '



'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a ****ing truck hit us.'

cresta57

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.



I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

cresta57

RIP The Goldfish
Warning this is a joke!

Possums

fantastic

was going to say your brave.. but then realised its been posted by a MOD!

Suni&Jay

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand.There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a> while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.Noticing this, a policeman stops her.'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...'Darn!' says the little old lady.....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!' 'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?' 'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!'So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingy through the bushes, I say '$20 or off it comes!' '
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay'.

Pollyana

And this Mod is on dial-up and You Tube takes a month to load so I have no idea what the video is showing!!!

TiddlyPom

Due to their recent poor management of 100,000’s of client’s super funds,
Macquarie bank announced to bank employees, a freeze on their monthly bonuses occurring immediately.



Showing their dissatisfaction, Macquarie Bank employees commenced a protest by blockading the entrance to the Bank's Headquarters...

Suni&Jay

That is brill

tried to send you some Kama but I need to spreed it a bit

TiddlyPom

52 things you would love to say out loud at work or wherever, really.


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door ..........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you just a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

I am practicing some of these as you read.

johnnyyt

I might try and see how many I can use tomorrow........

Johnnyyt

TiddlyPom

Why wait until tomorrow?

spartacus

Beautiful . . quite beautiful!

Suni&Jay

Sally Simpson