Left kids in the UK
Dec 11th 2007, 7:55 pm
#16
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Re: Left kids in the UK
You aren't a bad mother, and anyone that thinks that isn't worth knowing anyway. A bad mother would make her kids (well young adults) come when they didn't want to. 
There is a time when our kids have to become independant and choose their own path in life, it happens to us all at some point.
What would you say if you hadn't applied for a visa and your daughter turned around now and said I'm going to live in Australia? Or if you'd all stayed before and she suddenly turned around now and said she was going back to the UK? Would you make her feel guilty - I bet you wouldn't because you want what is best for her. So what is the difference between her living here or living there?
There is a time when our kids have to become independant and choose their own path in life, it happens to us all at some point.
What would you say if you hadn't applied for a visa and your daughter turned around now and said I'm going to live in Australia? Or if you'd all stayed before and she suddenly turned around now and said she was going back to the UK? Would you make her feel guilty - I bet you wouldn't because you want what is best for her. So what is the difference between her living here or living there?
What she said - we all feel the 'guilt' that is what makes us 'GOOD' mums
Dec 11th 2007, 9:37 pm
#17
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Re: Left kids in the UK
thanks for the replies, the hardest thing that i cannot come to terms with is that although we were devastated when they returned to uk they left on good terms with promises of keeping in touch, since their return they wont communicate with us and for me thats the hardest thing as they have completely shut us out of their lives - i am not sure how to deal with this, being apart is hard enough but to have no contact - as someone has said they know how to hurt you the most. thank goodness for this support network.
Dec 11th 2007, 10:36 pm
#18
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Re: Left kids in the UK
Thanks all, it's nice to hear the support. I know deep down that I am a good mum but sometimes you just need to hear it.
srd:
I really feel for you, you are hurting and (((hugs))) sent to you. Kids can be so wrapped up in themselves to see that parents are hurting too (I often think of my own mother and how she must be feeling right now). Thank god for BE that's all I can say
Mandy
srd:
I really feel for you, you are hurting and (((hugs))) sent to you. Kids can be so wrapped up in themselves to see that parents are hurting too (I often think of my own mother and how she must be feeling right now). Thank god for BE that's all I can say
Mandy
Dec 11th 2007, 11:16 pm
#19
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Re: Left kids in the UK
thanks for the replies, the hardest thing that i cannot come to terms with is that although we were devastated when they returned to uk they left on good terms with promises of keeping in touch, since their return they wont communicate with us and for me thats the hardest thing as they have completely shut us out of their lives - i am not sure how to deal with this, being apart is hard enough but to have no contact - as someone has said they know how to hurt you the most. thank goodness for this support network.
She then began short conversations on the phone - but then an arguement arose at some point over the fact that she was admitted to hospital and I spoke to her and said 'I am so sorry I am not there for you' apparently this upset her and her dad told me to stop contacting her. she refused any further contact for over 18 months
She still barely talks to me - I have had one phone conversation (lasting of about 20 seconds) in over 2 years. several nasty emails and 2-3 OK ones (short and non commital)
She refused to see me or let me see her when I visited back the first and last time earlier this year.
I do know how hard it is I really do. Everyone on here is there for you - the support network here has been the MAIN thing to get me through.
All days will be bad for a while - and then you will have varying degrees of 'bad'.
Life (as a parent) wasn't meant to be easy (but no one ever said/warned it would be this hard)! - But YOU will come through this and so will your kids.
Just keep plodding - taking each day and maybe stop trying to contact them for a while - how often are you calling/emailing?
Maybe just cool it a while and see what happens?
Best wishes
Dec 12th 2007, 7:52 am
#20
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Re: Left kids in the UK
thanks for the replies, the hardest thing that i cannot come to terms with is that although we were devastated when they returned to uk they left on good terms with promises of keeping in touch, since their return they wont communicate with us and for me thats the hardest thing as they have completely shut us out of their lives - i am not sure how to deal with this, being apart is hard enough but to have no contact - as someone has said they know how to hurt you the most. thank goodness for this support network.
You know the sort of things people could say and unfotunatley our kids start to see things far worse than what they really are.The thing to keep telling yourself is that they were old enough to make thier own choice on what they wanted to do with thier own lives,and should not for whatever reason hold you to blame for thier own choices.
Yes you have come to Australia,and you want all your family with you,so you can all enjoy this great new life.That does not make you a bad mother.
If they decided the move was not for them,that does not make you a bad mother. Try stopping trying to make contact with them,and let them wonder why,perhaps they need to realise that thier own actions are hurting you so much,that you dont want to be hurt anymore.Perhaps in time they will stop hurting you and understand that this situation that you are all in is down to thier choices aswell and not just yours.
Try to keep strong,things will get better,but please try not to let them spoil your life here,they always have the opertunity to come over in years to come,you never know what will happen in the future.And remember you really have done nothing wrong to deserve being treated like this.
Dec 12th 2007, 7:17 pm
#21
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Re: Left kids in the UK
Justa thought.
If they werent on your original application, wont they have to apply under their own steam if they decide to move to oz in the future?
Im not sure its a given just cos mum lives in oz.
Read the story, but just wondered .....
If they werent on your original application, wont they have to apply under their own steam if they decide to move to oz in the future?
Im not sure its a given just cos mum lives in oz.
Read the story, but just wondered .....
Dec 12th 2007, 8:21 pm
#22
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Re: Left kids in the UK
I think most on here have visa's for their kids. I haven't, but we have a few options for our lad.
Dec 12th 2007, 8:50 pm
#23
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Re: Left kids in the UK
Our daughter has but only until 2009. If she isn't in oz by then she will lose it!
Mandy
Mandy
Dec 12th 2007, 10:03 pm
#25
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Re: Left kids in the UK
same here, my daughter has till May '09 to come over. I'm thankful that she doesn't resent us coming over, it was her decision to stay and she understands that. We have a better relationship now and talk several times a week on the phone. She's planning to visit for a month next Christmas with her boyfriend which will be lovely but a long time to wait to see her.
Dec 13th 2007, 1:17 am
#26
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Re: Left kids in the UK
HI. ITS NOT JUST YOU MUMS. IM A DAD OF A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL. I HAD HER EVERY WEEKEND AT HOME. IVE ONLY BEEN HEAR SINCE SEPTEMBER. WITH MY PATNER AND HER SON. BUT IM FINDING IT SO HARD . I TALK TO HER EVRY SATURDAY. BUT DO MISS HER. WITH XMAS COMING UP IM FINDING IT VERY HARD TO .
Dec 13th 2007, 1:46 am
#27
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Re: Left kids in the UK
HI. ITS NOT JUST YOU MUMS. IM A DAD OF A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL. I HAD HER EVERY WEEKEND AT HOME. IVE ONLY BEEN HEAR SINCE SEPTEMBER. WITH MY PATNER AND HER SON. BUT IM FINDING IT SO HARD . I TALK TO HER EVRY SATURDAY. BUT DO MISS HER. WITH XMAS COMING UP IM FINDING IT VERY HARD TO .
sorry - we seem to always think it is the 'mums' that suffer.
You must miss her terribly - it is good that you still keep in touch though - maybe she will decide to come out at some point?
You can comfort yourself with the knowledge that you have a relationship, all but the distance dividing you, and that is something to be grateful for.
Dec 13th 2007, 1:58 am
#28
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Re: Left kids in the UK
yes it helps when i talk to her. but feel so bad after. its her last year at school. im hoping she will stay with me. thank you for being so kind. 
thank you for being so kind.
Last edited by wallace simpson; Dec 13th 2007 at 3:17 am.
Dec 13th 2007, 2:17 am
#29
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Re: Left kids in the UK
Has anybody had to make the tough choice of leaving teenage kids behind.
I have and finding it hard to deal with.Some may think how could she do such a thing.It was not an easy thing to do and i still have to weigh things up over and over again.
My daughters in the UK are 17 and 19 yrs,and live with thier father from my first marrage.I asked and pleaded them to come with us but they did not want to come,they have got thier friends ect and did not want to leave them.
Which hurt me as felt thier friends were more important than me.I have come over with my husband and 5yr old boy.What a great life we have given to our 5yr old by coming here,and i have to keep telling myself that allthough my girls did not want to come,in years to come when they are fed up with things in the UK what an easy ticket i have made for them to come over with me being here already.
But it hurts like hell,i miss them like mad to the point of wishing i was in the uk again,but in my heart i know if i returned and gave all this up,i would only see them a couple of times a month,and that would only be because i had reminded them that im still alive.I remember what it was like at thier age,and my parents were at the bottom of my social calander,its just the trying to get used to being so far away from them,and wondering if i have done the right thing or not is doing my head in
I have and finding it hard to deal with.Some may think how could she do such a thing.It was not an easy thing to do and i still have to weigh things up over and over again.
My daughters in the UK are 17 and 19 yrs,and live with thier father from my first marrage.I asked and pleaded them to come with us but they did not want to come,they have got thier friends ect and did not want to leave them.
Which hurt me as felt thier friends were more important than me.I have come over with my husband and 5yr old boy.What a great life we have given to our 5yr old by coming here,and i have to keep telling myself that allthough my girls did not want to come,in years to come when they are fed up with things in the UK what an easy ticket i have made for them to come over with me being here already.
But it hurts like hell,i miss them like mad to the point of wishing i was in the uk again,but in my heart i know if i returned and gave all this up,i would only see them a couple of times a month,and that would only be because i had reminded them that im still alive.I remember what it was like at thier age,and my parents were at the bottom of my social calander,its just the trying to get used to being so far away from them,and wondering if i have done the right thing or not is doing my head in
Dec 13th 2007, 2:29 am
#30
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Location: FROM LONDON, NOW MUDGEERABA GOLDCOAST.
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Re: Left kids in the UK
your lucky to have them with you. i had my girl every weekend since her mum left. when she was 3. shes 15 now. she is my life to. so its not always what you want. i just hope you are one of the lucky ones 
Last edited by wallace simpson; Dec 13th 2007 at 2:42 am.