mandy1963

Has anybody had to make the tough choice of leaving teenage kids behind.
I have and finding it hard to deal with.Some may think how could she do such a thing.It was not an easy thing to do and i still have to weigh things up over and over again.
My daughters in the UK are 17 and 19 yrs,and live with thier father from my first marrage.I asked and pleaded them to come with us but they did not want to come,they have got thier friends ect and did not want to leave them.
Which hurt me as felt thier friends were more important than me.I have come over with my husband and 5yr old boy.What a great life we have given to our 5yr old by coming here,and i have to keep telling myself that allthough my girls did not want to come,in years to come when they are fed up with things in the UK what an easy ticket i have made for them to come over with me being here already.
But it hurts like hell,i miss them like mad to the point of wishing i was in the uk again,but in my heart i know if i returned and gave all this up,i would only see them a couple of times a month,and that would only be because i had reminded them that im still alive.I remember what it was like at thier age,and my parents were at the bottom of my social calander,its just the trying to get used to being so far away from them,and wondering if i have done the right thing or not is doing my head in

Cheetah7

I think you have done a pretty marvellous job of bringing them up to be honest and should be proud of yourself.

I don't think its a personal rejection on their part, they just feel independent enough to go it alone.

If you think about it, we all do the same to our parents - we leave them in one way or another.

You have raised some well balance and adjusted children that have turned into smart adults that know what they want in life.

Don't feel guilty, you have given them options to move to Oz at a later date and that is an act of a considerate person.

Well done to you.

sasbear

Hey - don't beat yourself up - I did - I left my 14 year old daughter with her dad - has been a roller coaster and I won't say any differnet - but PM me for help/advice/support

midwife-mandy

HI, I am doing this as well. My 16 year old son is staying in the Uk when I move to Perth in March. He goes to a boarding school, which he loves and he wants to finish his A levels there. He is very independent and focused (not like me at 16) and knows what he wants to do when he finishes school. I feel guilty but also proud of my son. His dad lives near to the school so he is going to be responsible for him.

My 14 year old daughter is coming with me and once again I feel guilty as she does not want to move away from her friends but I feel she is to young to stay behind and she needs to be with me. I am proud of her but she still needs a few years of guidance.

Your children sound just like the sort of children we all hope to have, strong and independent. You should be proud of yourself.

It is normal to feel guilty. Feeling guilty goes with parenting, it is the fourth stage of labour

Scrawni 2

I left our daughter when she was 17. It was a horrible time for us and emotions run high. Don't beat yourself up about it, they are obviously strong and well adjusted to be even thinking about staying.

Make a life for yourselves and a nice home. When they visit they will feel so comfortable they wont want to return to the uk!

Mandy

dolliedimples

oh Im so pleased to have found this chat..other mums who can understand how I feel,
we came over 3 years ago and my daughter who was 17 at the time refused to leave wanting to stay with her friends and finish her education in England. She went to live with my dad, that didnt work..so she went to live with her dad, his wife and their new baby..but that didnt work either. Shes now renting a flat working part time and just started uni.
Im so proud of her, but there isnt a day that goes by where I feel guilty for leaving..I went back with my young kids 4+6 to see her, I could have stayed there and just lived with my kids..but then what of my 2 youngest theres no life for them growing up in England..they were used to a pool and the beach and playing outside..decent parks with swings that havent been vandalised..then I thought of Jessica my eldest, what a burden to her..after the novelty of me being back, the thought of being responsible for me returning and I didnt want to hold her back in her life..then I thought is this an excuse? I like my life here..but I was a kid myself when I had Jess and been a single parent for 12 yrs..I have tried everything to try and get her to move here, but she wont and then I think am I pushing too hard?
So I backed off..but she phones me in tears , saying how lonely and unhappy she is at times and all she needs is her mum!
It hurts so much and I feel in limbo..she has her PR and I hold on to the thought that she can come over..I dunno if shes tryin to repay me for leaving her..
I know shes independent and sensible but I just miss her so much..I often sit and cry and wish I could turn the clock back... hinde site eh!!

dolliedimples

how long have you been in Oz and has your daughter ever visited?

Scrawni 2

Well we did return (for other reasons) after eight months and have been back in the uk for a couple of years now. She is now 21 and has struggled to find work etc.

That all said we are going to give Oz another go and she has decided that this time she is coming with us She said she found it very difficult without us and realised how much she needed us. Her boyfriend is also coming out on a working visa.

I am still expecting her to change her mind. I also realise that there may be a time when she decided to return to the uk again, but I will cross that bridge when it comes.

If we were staying in the uk, she would have moved out by now, that I'm sure of. She needs her independence from us now and it is only because we are heading back to oz she is still with us. I am hoping we can eventually set them up in a rental of their own to make her feel settled.

Hard work emotionally being a mum isn't it?

Mandy

midwife-mandy

Hi dollidimples, have a hug from another single mum. It is so hard bringing up children especially on your own. When I think about some of my parenting over the years there is so much I would change but I was twenty one, uneducated and trying my hardest to be a good parent. I am 37 now and still feel like I am winging it and doubt myself everyday but I know that everything I have done felt right at the time. I know there are going to be times when my son phones me from the Uk and needs me as mums are always the ones they phone first. I have been through this when he first started boarding school and it broke my heart. I had to stop myself going to the school grabbing him and taking him home. It has all worked out in the end and now he does not want to leave the school. I would love him to come with me but he wants to stay in the Uk and part of me thinks should i make him but i am putting him first and trusting my instincts.

I feel selfish everyday. Leaving my son, taking my daughter. I dont know if i am doing the right thing but everything has worked out well so far. Good luck and if you need a chat at anytime pm me, Mandy x

srd

hi, my two sons came with us to oz and stayed for 13 days, they are 18 and 20, they went back to uk and stayed with friends, now they are with my parents until after christmas. my daughter who is 17 is with us but hates it and is lonely as she does not have any friends, she has this week got a part time job until she can go into yr 12. she is desperate to go back to uk and has told us she is going when she is 18. like you i wonder whether it has all been worth it, we started out with this big dream for the whole family, now there are only 3 of us. what is worse is that our sons wont communicate with us, the eldest wont let us have his mobile number, the younger one we text and i write to them jointly once a week, but they will not respond to us even not answering the phone if we try and call them. i feel as if my heart is broken and at times (a lot) want to go back to the uk, but then think would it make any difference as the hurt has already happened. as you say hindsight is a wonderful thing.

asher

my 20 year old son and 19 year old decided not to come with us they both have visas we respected their wishes but told them they have to be independant and self supporting or will have to come with us!!

we have said we will do Oz for 4 years then family get together to decide the way forward.

the boys are happy although youngest ocassionally says we are deserting him!!
but they agree that it is their choice and we are allowing them to make it.
skype and msn and facebook are used to keep communication open

sasbear

Oh I feel for you - I really do.

I know exactly what you are going through - some of the letters my daughter sent me on the days leading up to me leaving. She made the choice and no way could I change her mind to come. But she wanted to hurt me so deeply (like a two year old throwing a tanty as she couldn't get what she wanted) and the words in the letter stabbed at my heart. In the end I had to get my oh and son to read the letters first and if they thought it was a really bad letter they told me not to read it. I still have some letters that I haven't read - I guess I am not strong enough.

3 years down the line - it is a ittle better. Not much. But a bit. Easier to deal with it and as time goes by and she grows older, I am hoping she will mature and a break through can be had.

Keep your chin up. Your dream and not theirs - that is all I can really say.

Scrawni 2

Kids eh? Our daughter changes her mind weekly about coming out with us. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster most of the time.

I can see what her problems are (leaving her boyfriend, friends etc.) but it worries me that she will come out and be totally miserable. That won't help any of us. Well, she will have to make her mind up soon because we will probably be booking flights next week.

It does make you doubt yourself and whether you are doing the right thing. I worry that people will see me as a bad mother especially as this is the second time for us.

It was a surprise to me the amout of us with kids/teens not coming with us.

Mandy

Wendy

You aren't a bad mother, and anyone that thinks that isn't worth knowing anyway. A bad mother would make her kids (well young adults) come when they didn't want to.

There is a time when our kids have to become independant and choose their own path in life, it happens to us all at some point.

What would you say if you hadn't applied for a visa and your daughter turned around now and said I'm going to live in Australia? Or if you'd all stayed before and she suddenly turned around now and said she was going back to the UK? Would you make her feel guilty - I bet you wouldn't because you want what is best for her. So what is the difference between her living here or living there?

killamarsh

There are loads of amazing stories on here about this issue. Tears, tantrums and triumphs - some bloody amazing parents have posted their stories.

ps - Has anyone discovered a potion for stopping my son turning into a 10yr old as that is far too close to being a teenager.