robos

thats awful jan

dont know what to say but keep your chin up

kids eh!!

dont know about you lot but all our kids were well up for it when we started this long process
it takes so long that some kids change their minds as they start to make their own lives and meet new people

the way i look at it is at least if we go when the kids we leave behind grow up and realise at least they will have a foot in the door(i hope)

is anyones life smooth running and happy all the time?
the ups and downs make life and when you come out the other side whether laughing or crying it makes us stronger and better people

jan xx

Spellbound

Hi Jan

Thats a really tough one. It really upsets me reading stories like yours.

I came with my whole family to NZ, 3 years ago and the eldest daughter returned to the UK which just leaves my youngest daughter 17 and my husband and I in NZ. My youngest is now talking about staying in NZ or at least returning to NZ when shes 18.

Like you, this is never what we wanted when we were planning our move from the UK. We said things like 'if one of us doesn't like it we will all go back' but because 3 of us liked it in NZ we stayed here and let our eldest return at 18 years old.

With regards to your 16 year old son, get him driving, that might help. My daughter has been driving since she was 15/16 and had her own car at 16. She is often out and about and drives herself around her friends houses. Curfew (police restricted) is at 10 pm, so she is never out late enough to worry about her. I am sure that you will have tried most things that I could ever suggest to get him motivated with his life again.

It feels me with dread the thought of my daughter not even trying to make a go of things and I can only imagine what it must be like for you watching your son with no get up and go, in his own life. Part of the reason we let our eldest daughter return to the UK was that she was so depressed out here in NZ, that I began to worry about that and what it might lead to. It has been much easier than I thought it would be though, letting her go.

My thoughts are with you - its really tough sometimes, being a parent!

midgetjan

It is a tough one. We've tried everything with my son. I offered to get him driving - said we'd pay for lessons etc and his dad would take him out driving. He refuses point blank. I've tried reasoning with him, getting angry with him, crying and begging him but his mind is made up.

When we were in the UK we were a very strong, loving family. It broke my heart to leave my daughter behind. She was 22 at the time but her relationship was so bad that we thought this would only be a temporary measure. (Her relationship is still rocky and I believe she will join us at some stage.)

Since moving here my family has been ripped apart. The irony is we thought moving here was for the best. We thought we were giving our children the greatest opportunities.

The situation has been the worst thing I have ever been through. It's a long story but we've had several disasters to endure since moving here. We came here with a determination to make things work and I feel like a failure. We weren't running away from a bad life in Scotland and sometimes I think this is payback for being greedy and wanting more.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - well I think I'd give Margaret Thatcher a run for her money if I get through this.

I've spoken to my husband and told him that I don't want to sell up and move back. We're not thinking straight at the moment and we need time to think this through.

I live in hope that things will settle again.

leweli

Hi everyone

I have now found myself in the same situation . My 16 year old son is adamant he doesn't want to come with us to Oz. It really would break my heart to leave him behind though. Really don't know what to do. After a heart to heart with him last night, it turns out he has already arranged to live with his dad (we're divorced) when we go so, at least I know he'd be safe. I had been thinking about making him come with us until he was 18, but would hate for him to be unhappy and end up resenting me. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Hope it all works out for everyone x.

michell

we are also in the same boat our 15yr old daughter 16 in sept has refused point blank to come with us , she says she will be staying behind and go live with her dad, daughter is from pre ralationship we split up 12 yrs ago ,but was never married, she see's her bio dad every weekend and this will be what he has been waiting for as he has wanted her to move in with him since she was 12yrs old but i went to court and they said no chance.(in not so many words) . any way we asked her reasons for staying and guess what she said not what i was expecting , i thought she would say cos i will miss me mates and my dad, etc etc , but no she said i dunno really i just dont wanna go, so she hasnt even got any good reasons why she doesn't want to come with us .
I have told her she may not have a choice in the end as i would have to aske her dad if she did want to come and i know he would point blankly refuse, and then it would be a court case again , so really her choice was already made i told her. anyways i am hoping when she is 16 and her dad cannot make the choice for her, she will . she said she will definately be coming over for holidays, i am just hoping to myself i haven't told her this that when she gets over there she will change her mind and stay, well we can wish, but wishes do sometimes come true.

kind regards
michell

robos

its a damn tough time for all of us thats what makes this forum so good
we thought we were the only ones this was happening to (as i bet each one of you did)
thanks to all who have given advice and shared your own experience
by putting it down in black and white it doesnt seem as bad as some others situations
i wish everyone well and hope things eventually turn out how they want it to
keep us all posted if anyone has any change because that would be nice to see

good luck all

jan xx

debs66

I second what you say too Jan it is so uplifting to hear of others experiences and a feeling that you are truly not on your own in this situation.

It is a very difficult age from 13 through 17 when their hormones are running havock, there imay a boyfriend or girlfriend on the scene, they don't want to leave their peers I can quite imagine how I would have felt at that age.

I have had a good talk with my daughter this week who will be 16 in July and she is adamant that she wants to go onto Sixth Form and then onto Uni so I am not sure do I wait another 2 years down the line when she goes onto Uni and she will then be 18 and possibly moving away anyway I don't know if I could personally leave her now because I know in my heart of hearts I would not settle when I get over there I truly believe the timing as to be right.

Now that I have validated my visa I have sometime to at least come but I just feel pressure from my partner who is not her bio father saying if we have to wait another two years I probably won't want to go. I feel somewhat like piggy in the middle at the moment.

Thank you so much for your kind comments and replies and its good that we can support each other through this very difficult time with our 'Teens'.

Many thanks

Debs x

srd

hi, i am in a similar situation, we came and 'bribed' our 3 teenagers to come with us, the two boys 20 and 18 stayed for 13 days and went back to uk, we bought a house, puppy and hoped this would help settle our 17 yr old daughter, it has not. she is learning to drive, would not go back to school like your son, she has a part time waitressing job and is attending an 8 week course but refuses to make friends or try and settle. she is desperate to go back to uk and so we have now said we will all go back. she misses her brothers and friends in the uk. our family has been torn apart by this emotionally as well as physically and financially its been a disaster as we now have to try and sell a house we have not owned for 6 months so will have to pay capital gains tax too. if i could turn the clock back and listen harder to my kids i would. we truely believed it would all be good once we got here but its been a very very difficult 6 months. our sons wont communicate with us as they are so upset by the whole situation. i hope things work out better for you, good luck. srd

midgetjan

I personally would wait if I were you. The comment below shows you how hard it is to come here when things aren't right. Maybe it works for some but my guess would be that it'll put your relationship under huge strain as you may resent your partner for making you leave your daughter. Just my opinion of course but moving here is hard enough without starting off feeling bad.


I could've written that part myself. Emotionally and financially we are torn here. We have only owned our house since October and are tied into a fixed rate mortgage for 2 years. You also have to consider the internet (who make you sign up for 2 years also). If we choose to go back now we will be hammered financially. Emotionally though, what it does to your family is far worse.

I love my kids to bits but I feel if we have to go back I will resent the fact that they didn't try and we had to pay the cost.

robos

i wont be buying a house then unless we are 100% sure that we are staying?
we are all willing to give it a good go before we make that final decision
also with our situation our daughter has totally refused to see us i even went to where she is living and as i was outside talking to her on the phone her boyfriend took her out the back way in his car she wouldn't even see me!!
i say why should the rest of my family put our lives on hold(possibly give up the chance) she probably still wont see us
this would be our last chance to make the move we owe this chance to our other 2 kids at the very least

jan xx

midgetjan

All of our stories are different but have similarities. We can share the problems and offer advice but what may be right for some may not be the answer for others.

Sometimes I wish we had rented for a while first and sometimes I think that renting would've made it easier to give it all up and return to the UK.

Today I'm having an "I'm not sure" day.

Tomorrow I'm hoping for inner peace ......

Well there's no harm in hoping.

Good luck to you all.

Bexie

hi...I can totally empathise with you. We have been in Melbourne 6 months and are very happy!! My daughter was 16 when our visas eventually came thro......won't go into details cos you will know them already...the angst the feelings and the family strife. Zoe eventually stayed behind with my mum to do her a levels. I miss her so very much, but I've given her her wings. Maybe a little early, but I think I realisd that if I forced her I would lose her and that she would never give Oz a chance ....out of spite. It's ben damn hard...she's safe with my mum. She has been out twice...and loves it. She's studying hard and is considering doing her gap year here. i have been criticised so much, particularly by my step father. People have accused me of being selfish..on the contrary...I would love to have her here. I am dead proud of her...we speak daily (almost) and althoughit's no substitute, I feel like i have done the right thing. I miss her sooooo very badly..i shed tons of tears but...and it's a big but, our relationship is so good right now. She finds missing us hard, but the being together is fab. I can't tell you what is right...follow ur heart, you know your daughter and what will be best for her. I wish i could help...it's painful.....I don't find it easy to verbalise how I feel, but I am thinking of you and hope it all works out well.let us know. if I can help pm me.
Bex
(cryin now!! Wot a wussie!)

srd

hi, am pleased that you and your daughter speak most days, what happened to us what that our sons decided to cut ties with us, it was heart breaking not knowing what was happening to them, they are now staying at my mums house, she says they are fine but wont give details and i can see she is torn between us all. after 6 months the younger of the two will now speak to us - twice now, the older one still does not really want to keep in touch. however much my OH and i like australia i dont believe it is worth the cost. its awful every day waking up and knowing that you wont hear from your children and going to bed knowing the same. its very hard emotionally to be this distance from your children and at 18 and 20 they still need us. thanks for the reminder of the broadband connection for 2 yr contract, i had forgotten that one. not sure how long it will take for us to sell our house so thats the next problem. its a good idea to rent until you know what you want to do long term. good luck.

midgetjan

Trust me to add to your worries.

Good luck with the selling and the journey home. I hope it all works out for you.

Jan

katsmajic

Made a bit of progress...

Had a meeting with A's key worker - who laid it on the line to her - we tried to discuss things rationally but A went loopy loo, threw a tantrum and behaved like a spoilt 2 year old. When she finally calmed down she asked if she could come home - which of course she can but shes on a behavioural contract, and said she'll validate her visa.

Well last night she called (shes coming home tonight) to say shes had a good time to think and consider her options, shes spoken to a close teacher (family friend) and her cousin and decided shes not actually doing so well here (school/friends/mentally) and needs us to support her, financially and emotionally etc so wants to come home with a clean,positive slate and wants to come to OZ - how long this mood will last i dont know but right now its good!
(she also wants lifts to rugby training/harriers and matches this week - so she most definately has an agenda )