So long as you are disappointed FOR her and not disappointed WITH her

if that makes sense.....

I was never chosen to be anything at school. It was always the same group that were picked and I wasn't one of them. So what? Nobody can complain about how you do whatever it is.

Aside - I got 25% in my last RI exam at school. Now that's an achievement.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I think the basic problem is me - I never felt I was good enough for my parents, whatever I did, and so part of me desperately wants her to succeed and is more disappointed than she is. She is fairly philosophical about it as is my OH.

DD is a perfectionist, and worries more about her academic scores. (She does very well in religious studies, but sadly that isn't counted in the IB)

And believe me, I am very grateful that I have been blessed with such a lovely caring girl.

It's easy for us to tell you not to feel guilty, not to feel that you've let her down in some way, but I think most parents feel guilty and crap at some point. I always coasted at school (and pretty much through life) which has generally left me feeling like I let down my parents. Middlechild is exactly the same, so now I can claim that it's probably genetics, which makes me feel much better

We're having some issues with Eldestchild now and I feel completely crap about it. It makes it worse that his father died when he was young so I keep wondering if things would have been a lot different if he'd still been alive, or if I hadn't made really crap choices after he died - and the issues we're having aren't really that serious! But it's a parent's lot to wonder if they couldn't have done better. All we can do is muddle through the best we can and take comfort in the important facts like they're lovely, caring and decent human beings

If the captains/prefects/leaders deal with the same stuff as they do at our High School tell her and you that she's better off not getting them. They do take up a certain amount of time and if she needs particular grades, she's better off being able to concentrate on them and not school politics. Yes it looks good on Uni applications but the vast majority of Uni applicants don't have them and get in with no issues whatsoever.

If she's an awesome daughter, who cares about this stuff that in the grand scheme of things is totally unimportant.

I agree with Moneypenny, your daughter will now have more time to concentrate on getting good grades in order to get into university. I found that uni's seem to be interested in grades more than anything else, I got offered a place at UWA doing biomedical science based on my grades alone in another course after spending most of my life in dead end jobs and then being a stay at home mum for the past 4 years!

If she wants to add to her resume/achievements with a worthwhile cause maybe something like volunteer work would help?

I told her the same thing- that she would have less pressure on her time: it is totally taken up with academich work, music and swimming as it is.

She has done some volunteering at a special school (and will continue to do so as it is just down the road from us), and raises funds for the MS society, so we are ok for that side of things.

Hi caroline...new member here....your daughter sounds delightful and don't feel guilty at all. Her music and sport will appeal to an Aussie University more than a Captain of this or that. Add to that her volunteer work and you have one special girl who I am sure will succeed.

Sometimes don't we want our child to be the child we wished we were, it sounds like she is a normal happy caring child who will flourish and do well even without all the above. I was also the "just not quite good enough" child and trust me these things at school really don't matter, not in the bigger picture.

But they do matter when they carry on through your life- I never feel as though I am good enough, and I don't want her to feel the same way. I would hate her to be like me.

She`ll only only feel that way if you let her - at the end of the day is it important to her or to you? Is it important to her because it is important to you?
Look at it like this only a small minority of the kids get those little badges out of how many?? Another poster hit the nail on the head when they said the politics start at school - is it better to conform and be one of the chosen few or to an individual or even a quiet achiever. Most of the prefects at my school turned into damp squibs - it was the others who were the real bright lights in adulthood.

I think your post sums it up but it depends on your definition of 'suceed'.

It's doubtful that she will never get ahead in the real world or life and work by being a school prefect or for having a collection of shiny badges which are only really relevant within a school setting anyway.
Imagine some of these kids disappointment when they get their first real disappointment in life when things don't go quite their way.
Shiny badges never got me a job or helped me to achieve what I wanted to achieve and I have never taken 'school trinkets' into consideration when employing people either. If I was looking at her for employment from a resume only then I would be more impressed that she has volunteered and not concentrated on getting as many shiny badges as possible for herself.
After all, they really don't buy you friends, get you discounts on a car or at David Jones or Myers, make you happy in your personal relationships and are not true reflection of who you are.

I think it is of much more value for herself and society to have a an independent, well balanced, non needy, unselfish, caring, thoughtful and hard working kid with her own values. Somebody who cares more about who she is than what others may (or may not) think of her, somebody who can roll with life's ups and downs, focus on the really important things and be more resilient.
Of course you want 'the best' for your kids but it is your definition of 'best' not hers.
I think it is great that she seems unbothered by what other people think and be more interested in going the way she wants to go and concentrate on things she feels are more important.
Work with what you have and maybe you can take this experience as being a valuable thought process and a bit of a lesson on what qualities really matter long term in life to be a successful, decent and hopefully happy human being, whatever her definition is of that.
Please don't put any pressure on her because of your experiences with your parents as she is obviously not like you and is developing her own character. You must be very proud of her.

Hi Caroline

We can't help the thoughts that pop into our head, but we can do something with them once they are acknowledged.

Your daughter sounds like she is doing just fine. Nobody in the future is going to care that she wasn't a prefect at school.

You obviously want the best for her, and that's understandable, but as long as she is happy and achieving reasonable well, then you know she'll be ok.

My high school years were much worse than your daughters, and I turned out ok

I try very hard not to put pressure on her. Children pick up on things subconsciously though. I feel like a failure in whatever I do- I don't like myself very much, have no confidence in anything I do and, as the swimming coach pointed out, am a stress head, always worrying and thinking the worst.
How do you hide that from your kid? I may be an ex actress (amateur) but that is almost impossible to do.

I want my daughter to do well, and I want her to be happy and confident, and mostly I am very proud of her, but she hasn't quite lived up to any of her early potential, and she has a struggle with acne, asthma, allergies/high cholesterol and weight (she isn't fat but needs to lose 3 kilos to be race fit) to add to all the other problems. It is hard to see children she used to beat easily now getting better school results/ swimming times/scholarships/parts in plays/school leadership roles/looking more attractive than she is. This year has not been kind to her.

I think I have the issues, not her, which is why I feel so guilty and like a nasty person.

Universities always used to attach a lot of importance to extra-curricular activities. It's all part of being a rounded person. (Infact my parent's generation had people who did well in A levels but weren't considered university material).

But you don't have to be 'the leader of the team' (be a prefect etc), just be 'on a team' (or do something).

So of course vol work is important.

Caroline, you sound like a decent, interesting, good person so that speaks volumes.