Barmy Army clairvoyant Mystic Mug has been in a good mood this last year, having actually got a few predictions right. England did indeed beat Bangladesh 2-0 home and away, win 3-1 against Pakistan and end the year 2-1 up in the Ashes. The fact Graeme Onions has been absent most of the year and the whole match-fixing business was missed out were just blips, she insists.

So, with huge optimism and with the large bottle of sherry from Christmas suddenly and mysteriously empty, here are our soothsayer's predictions for the year ahead..


JANUARY

England finish off the Convicts by winning by 4 wickets at Sydney to take the series 3-1. Beer makes his debut for Australia and takes 0-177 in the match after Cook is caught off a no-ball. Mitchell Johnson bowls well in the first innings, before delivering 34 wides in the second to see England to their target.

As with Adelaide and Melbourne, Test Match Special is being interrupted by the shipping forecast when the final runs are scored.

The England team celebrate their win with the sprinkler dance again, but former convict captain Kim Hughes is not impressed. "That's nothing," he says. "I've done a sprinkler resignation speech."

In his post-series assessment, Daily Mail "expert" cricket writer Patrick Collins praises the bowling for England of "er, what's his name? somebody called Tim."

South Africa beat India in Cape Town to take the series 2-1 and narrow the gap at the top of the World Test Championship table. The BCCI says just for that it won't let the saffers host the IPL again.

After being left out of the convict world cup squad, Nathan Hauritz has another car boot sale, selling voodoo dolls of Rocky Ponting.

Australia take their Ashes stuffing in good heart and insist the 'deportee' stamp on Andrew Strauss's passport is just an administrative error.


FEBRUARY

The Pakistani trio of Salman Butt, Mohamed Amir and Mohammed Asif are found guilty of spot fixing and banned for life. All three claim it was England's fault and the PCB alleges the 2005 Edgbaston Test was fixed, claiming a man with a "crooked finger" was involved in the final wicket.

England's Ashes winners are given a VIP reception at Downing Street. Freddie Flintoff turns up off his face after declaring no such celebration is complete without him. For added authenticity, Matthew Hoggard appears too and urinates on the lawn before calling David Cameron a kn*b.

The New Zealand v Pakistan series is drawn 1-1, with an alleged match fixing scandal emerging after 5 Pakistanis are run out in the final Test. The PCB claims something similar happened involving England in a ODI in 1993 and the ICC should be investigating that instead.

Stuart Broad reveals he is set to miss England's opening world cup game after slow progress in his recovery from injury. "I know how he feels," says Ricky Ponting. "I've got a very bad side too".

The world cup begins with several new venues on show. In Sri Lanka, Pallekelle shows off an impressive array of portable toilets that don't work, while the ground in Hambantota turns out to be next to a hostelry even worse than the Sydney Hotel.


MARCH

Australia crash out of the world cup in the quarter finals when Mitchell Johnson bowls 8 wides in an over. Steve Harmison sues him for breach of copyright.

Pakistan go out of the tournament after all ten players are run out against Zimbabwe, handing the Zimbos a rare win. However, hopes that the African team can return to Test cricket are dashed after the entire side accept a contract to play for lashings.

New Zealand's hopes end when Chris Martin is kidnapped and forced to rejoin Coldplay's world tour, while Dan Vettori is recalled to Hogwarts.

England beat Bangladesh despite Kevin Pietersen suffering a nervous breakdown when he discovers the opposition are fielding an attack made up entirely of left-arm spinners.


APRIL

The world cup final ends with lots of South Africans dancing for joy ... as England win.

Graeme Swann finally faces his drink-driving trial but is let off after a positive testimony from his cat, who had got stuck under a floorboard. The cat is then picked in the England lions side to face Sri Lanka but after seeing the flag, pulls out at the thought of facing those German shepherds. The PCB claim the trail was fixed.

The county championship season gets off to a slow start when the entire first round of matches is snowed off.

Australia play a series of ODIs in Bangladesh and try to kidnap one of their spinners.

With no cricket to play, Freddie Flintoff stars in a celebrity culinary show. Unfortunately, it involves cooking with wine and he soon has to be carried out in an inebriated state, but not before he microwaves a pedalo.


MAY

England beat Sri Lanka by 7 wickets in the first Test at Cardiff, but Test Match Special listeners miss the winning runs as the shipping forecast is on.

The West Indies beat Pakistan in a Test series marred by some strange run-outs, dropped catches and no-balls at incongruous times. Captain Darren Sammy says that's just natural for his young team.

Pakistan lash out by claiming a member of the Barmy Army was involved in spot-fixing. It turns out the individual in question was Bagpuss the veterinarian, and spot was a sick dog, which had been suffering irregular eating patterns.

Graeme Swann escapes a new charge of twittering while drink-driving by claiming the twitter message was in fact from his cat. As the tweet says MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW he mounts a successful defence, despite prosecution claims that lots of cricketers talk like that - especially Shane Warne when Nasser Hussain winds him up about the Ashes.

Michael Beer comes to England to play in the Lancashire League. Freddie Flintoff captures and drinks him.


JUNE

The Lords Test is drawn after the final day's play is washed out, due to a flooded outfield caused by the England team practicing the sprinkler dance before the start of play.

Another southern venue takes its bow as the first ever Test at the Rose Bowl is played. The ECB promises there will be a Test match in the north "sometime this decade". England win by 8 wickets but the winning runs are blotted out on Test Match Special by the shipping forecast.

The T20 cup is played out before average crowds of 150, despite the counties agreeing not to pass on the VAT increase from the start of the year. The ECB denies overkill and announces plans for two regional premier leagues to take places alongside the new EPL in 2012, with one to be played in the Test-playing half of England and the other in the north.

Freddie Flintoff goes on a bender after appearing on a new reality TV show set in a brewery. He is eventually machine-gunned off the top of a skyscraper by biplanes.


JULY

The England India Test series starts and with games at Edgbaston and Trent Bridge, the ECB has major roads barricaded to keep the northerners from coming down and seeing them. Stranded motorists and rail passengers are referred to a helpline, which plays constant repeats of the shipping forecast.

India win the four-match Test series in the Caribbean, guaranteeing they will be ahead of England unless they lose the series heavily, but also giving them an extra reason to thumb their noses at the Windies after the IPL saw off Sir Allen Stanford.

Meanwhile, Stanford claims from his prison cell that the England team deliberately lost the $20 million game. The ECB threatens to sue but Stanford gets the electric chair anyway.

Graeme Swann gets off a new drink driving charge after claiming the cat was in fact driving.


AUGUST

The Sydney Hotel in Galle is chosen for a scene in a 5th Indiana Jones film: Indiana Jones and the enchanted pension book.

England beat India 2-1 in the Test series to sneak closer to the top of the World Test Championship table, but M.S. Dhoni is not too disappointed. "We've got bigger IPL contracts than them and that's what really matters," he says.

As Australia head to Sri Lanka for a Test series on its turning wickets, the search for an adequate replacement for Shane Warne continues: "McGain, Krezja, Hauritz, Beer, Doherty.. tried them all, but not one of them has the penetration of Warnie," says Liz Hurley.

Meanwhile, Nathan Hauritz sets up his own company organising car boot sales.

The redevelopment of Old Trafford is completed when a series of stands looking like items from a pack of liquorice allsorts are unveiled. The ECB bans the ground from ever having a future international match there.


SEPTEMBER

The convicts are thrashed in Sri Lanka as they get continually spun out on bunsens, without a decent spin option to combat Mendis. After the series, Ricky Ponting is finally sacked. He retires from international cricket and sits in a cave blubbering for the rest of his days.

Mitchell Johnson loses his central contract after bowling one ball on target to hit the stumps all series. He promises to get mentally tougher in the future, but locks himself in a cupboard when he sees a big spider.

The ECB confirms the north of England will get a piece of the action next year when it comes to Test cricket - the BBC had told it the shipping forecast will be moved to Salford.

Lancashire finally win the county championship outright for the first time in 77 years, thanks to not having to play in rainy Manchester. Surrey are promoted despite Kevin Pietersen playing one country game all season.


OCTOBER

England play a short series of one-dayers and a T20 in India. "Tests? Why would we want to play those?" remarks a BCCI official.

Bangladesh finally beat a non-weakened side in a Test match when they level the Test series against the West Indies 1-1. The PCB claim the match was fixed.

Pakistan 's 'home' series with Sri Lanka is drawn in Qatar but the PCB accuses the Qataris of dodgy fixing to get the football world cup. Nobody argues this time.

India beat the West Indies at home in the Test series to stay top of the world championship table, but insist it is all a warm-up for the next IPL. The Ahmedabad Test is drawn when the fog gets so bad neither side can find the dressing room and the players spend three days wandering lost on the outfield.

The ECB produces a DVD of the summer's Test matches, but in all northern shops it turns out to be just an audio recording of the shipping forecast.


NOVEMBER

Australia finally encounter a team they can beat in a Test series when New Zealand turn up and find themselves batting a man short at Brisbane as Jesse Ryder fails to squeeze through the dressing room door.

Bangladesh win another Test to draw the Pakistan series 1-1, following an innings in which nine Pakistan batsmen are run out. The PCB denies any wrongdoing and claimed there were no mobile phones in their dressing rooms as Shane Warne had been seen in town and had stolen them all.

Graeme Swann gets off another alcohol-related charge after explaining his cat was stuck on top of Canary Wharf. Fortunately, a large net at the bottom of the building catches him when he falls.

Mitchell Johnson is sectioned for his own safety after trying to enter his own home but missing the front doorway 15 times in a row.


DECEMBER

South Africa beat Sri Lanka in the home Test series despite Jacques Kallis batting so long in one innings he becomes fossilised and takes several hours to move using specialised equipment.

Despite winning the Ashes and being World T20 and World Cup winners, the England cricket team miss out on the team award in Sports Review of the Year, after the BBC decide to win it to the Shipping Forecasters tiddlywinks team.

Australia end the year in style by getting thrashed by an innings at Melbourne again, this time by India. Captain Michael Clarke manages his first 50 of the year.

With a Test series against England coming up, Pakistan attempt to recall their three banned players, only to be told this is a real life ban, not the Pakistani version.

In the new year honours lists, Graeme Swann's cat gets a knighthood.