I have often asked for advice on this forum regarding two of the three children I have. But not for the youngest.

She is almost 19 (step daughter) and I have been a part of her life since she was 6. She has lived with me and her father since she was 7.

She has been dating (seriously) a boy and they got engaged last year - too young for that but we tried to take a back seat and hope she would learn from her own experience.

Said boy has treated her badly over the last 12 months (I have only just been told the whole story by daughter) and when we went to QLD last week for our much over due holiday he decided to split up with her. Which spopiled the last part of our holiday as she was heartbroken and I wanted to come home early.

She was angry at the start and burned all the photos of them both together. But over the weekend he sent her flowers and a card and now she is back in his arms. I can't beleive she can be so stu[id and blind and I really want to get involved and tell this boy to keep away. I have told daughter that he is no longer welcome in our home and that we do not approve of this relationship. Although I reassured her that we love her and she is always welcome here with us.

I haven't gotten involved in her problems before with him - I have given her advice when she has asked - but then she listens but never does what I suggest (she gets the same advice from other family emmebers too).

To make it workse, we are hoping to move away shortly and don't want to leave her in Canberra alone. Her option to begin was that her and BF could move with us into a self contained flat on the property. Now I am loathed to allow him anywhere near her let alone our home. She cannot afford to live alone and he was (maybe now changed his mind) reluctant to leave home (mummy's boy) and make any commitment to her - even though they did get engaged.

Anyone tell me what I should/shouldn't do?

I really feel like going round to this boys house and thumping him (and so does her dad) but I know that won't solve anything.

Is he physically or verbally abusing her, or ill-using her? I haven't quite reached these problems with mine, but here's my gold coin donation: Instead of coming down on him, concentrate on her - what does she want out of life, how is her self-esteem etc. Is there some course or training she could go on to get out of his path and get to know herself, because if a girl has self-esteem, hope and future prospects she won't waste time with a drop kick boyfriend.

Having said that teenagers are often contrary and likely to make the wrong decisions. But I'd still try to get her to think of where she wants to be in 5 years time, and what sort of person she is, and then she might begin to wonder why she is taking his treatment. She needs to get up and kick arse.

Thanks Kiwinow,

She has had all her confidence taken from her - he is manipulating her and she is questioning her own judgement and making excuses for his treatment of her. He is not physically hurting her - just screwing with her head.

I have tried for the last few months to push home the fact that he is not what she needs - he doesn't have the same future plan as she does. She seems to think she can change this/him.

How many 19 year olds listen and take on board advice from their elders, regardless of whether they've asked for the advice or not? Obviously you don't want to go through the same crap you have with A. She won't get that she can't change him, no matter how many times he messes with her head or they split until she meets a guy who doesn't need changing to be right for her.

Do as you are doing, tell her you love her, you want her with you, you don't trust him etc. I'm not sure banning him from the house is the right way to go, it could give him ammo for getting her to believe you don't care about her friends and she'd be better off away from you (written really badly but I think it makes sense).

I think I'd say something along the lines of 'I know you love him, but there's something I don't trust about him' and not go further. If she's bright, she'll start looking at him from a different perspective and may well see what you see.

I would tell her that they are both still welcome to move with you,keep her close by you.The likehood is he knows that you know his an arse and wont come(then you wont look the bad one,but hes made the decision)Or if he does come it wont last long ,but at least she will be with you.
Hard to do,but a safer option.
donna

Thanks Donna,

Really hard to do - if you knew my hubby He will not do the softly soflty cathy monkey route - I could do it but I know that the stress of it would make me ill.

I am hoping she see sense before too late - if not I will always be there for her and I will never stop reminding her of that too - but I cannot let this guy back in our house - it would cause too much pain and upset for her dad and that would be unbearable.

I agree. As the old saying goes; keep your friends close, and your enemies closer still. At least you'll be there if it all goes wrong for her. Good luck

Move as planned and take the little bastard with you, you can keep a closer eye on him and nip anything in the bud there and then. Your old man could take up the habit of sneering as he polishes his shotgun everytime the little oik shows his face. Alternatively put the frighteners on him.

I know it's frustrating and very hard to do but she has to eventually come to the decision herself to leave him. That may be in a few weeks or years but I'm sure it will happen eventually.

Unfortunately in these situations the more you criticise him and tell her what to do the more she will defend him and stick with him.

The only thing you can do I think is to keep your relationship with her going, so she can comfortably come to you when she's ready.

If you could somehow manage to let them live in the s/c flat then at least you would be nearby. If you have to leave her - could you speak to her best friend and ask her to look out for your daughter in case things aren't going well?

I have been through this with 2 people who I'm very close to and it all seems very obvious from the outside but for some reason they loved the guys. Both of them married the idiots and then one got divorced after a year and the other after two years. They are both very happily getting on with life now.

I hope it works out for you all.

Now that is advice my hubby may follow - thanks for that.

My little sister got engaged pretty young and married at 21 to a bloke who was a complete waste of space, he wouldn't work and brought her down. It sounds awful but we all knew it wasn't going to work but Mum & Dad let her do it, it is her lfie after all. They were married for 2 years and then she finally saw how much he was dragging her down and moved out and they are now divorced, Mum & Dad made this easy as they had been so supportive of her decisions even though they were not necessarily the right ones. I think people have to make their own mistakes, she will learn from them it just might take a while..........

Thanks I know - she will make the mistake and I wish we could learn from other peoples experience - but I know that this never happens. I just wish there was something apart from being there to pick the pieces up.

I've seen many a good relationship destroyed by moving in with the mother-in-law. On that basis I would take him with you.

Hmmm - nice one - think I may have to let the heat out of the situation first before I suggest this to OH - but still I am coming round to the idea.

Swee if we let him take her away from us then he really does win doesn't he. Seems like we may have to lump it to keep a close eye on him and her.