A man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "Single are you?"

The man replies, very sarcastically, "How ever did you guess?"

She replies, "Because you're ugly."

A geordie and a yank are doing some volunteer work in Mozambique and the yank says, "Where are you from?"

"Newcastle," replies the geordie. "Oh," says the yank, "what state is that in?"

"About the same as this," says the geordie.

Seamus and Paddy stagger out of the pub and are standing on the village green looking up at the flagpole.

Along comes a blonde and says to them, "What are youse two eejits looking at?"

Seamus says, "We was wondering about the height of this here flagpole."
"That's easy," says the blonde and proceeds to remove the lower bolt and walks the pole down to the ground. She then takes a tape measure out of purse, draws it along the pole and says, "There you are boys, 26 feet and 3 inches."

"Jaysus," says Paddy, "you ask a blonde the height of a flagpole and she gives you the friggin' length."

An Afghani diplomat visiting the United States for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"But a man is sitting on the well!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning
against the headboard, smoking a cigarette with a satisfied
smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls
over and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!".

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "you should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said "you are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job and I can wait for my coffee".
Wife replies, "no you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee".
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me".
So she fetches the Bible, and opened The New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
'HEBREWS"

I see some of these have appeared already, but what the hell......

So they have found a Horse burger in Tesco.
What's next, My Lidl pony?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So I had a £5 each way!

Tesco Quarter Pounders:
The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night....
I still have a bit between my teeth.

Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco.
Just tell them HMV means 'Horse Meat Voucher'

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?

How would you like your steak? Win, place or show?


"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

“I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."
I guess Tesco just listened.

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit.

Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO!

Said to the missus these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots.
To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian.

TD

Some great ones this year!

In light of recent discoveries:

I thought my friend was joking when she said for her 40th she wanted to go to a Monkees concert in Switzerland… Then I saw her face.....

Now I'm in Geneva.

Another old one....

A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then onestormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...




"OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?"

.

whoa boy, its getting silly

After the recent discovery of horse meat in Tesco & Findus products a Primark spokesman has expressed their shock & horror at finding Camel Toes in their spandex leggings

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
“In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..





$10.00 says you're gonna read this again!