Wol

An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah ...all are all same.’

The Bloke

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

cresta57

I was sitting next to a girl at the new years party when we got onto the subject of Ice-skating, "I used to always fall over whenever I went," she laughed, "I fell on my knees, hands, elbows, you name it."

"Awwww, and your face?" I replied.

"No, never my face," she laughed.

"Oh! so what happened there, then?" I asked.

cresta57

After bypass surgery, a patient says to his doctor,
"Can I start having sex?"

The doctor replies,
"Yes, but only with your wife, your heart is not yet ready for any excitement!!

slapphead_otool

Sign in a butchers:

Bernieboy

The Bloke

The Irish Millionaire.

Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Ohhh hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Maam."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer,

Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a f***in' clock!"

The Bloke

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The Bloke

Remember who is really important!!!

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now" said the HR manager during the welcoming breifing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat....but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no!"

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, " Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but no, you had to go and eat someone important!!!!!"

caretaker

Two parrots are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

slapphead_otool

Lucas_Dad

I don't give a flying f**k if the glass is half empty or half full.

There's always room for more alcohol.

cresta57

An Irish Women was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex .
Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokia's, 3 Motorola's and Samsung!

It's believed she wasn't raped as no Siemen was found .......

knockoff nige

I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad’.

brissybee

New boy band out of Asia.

Wong Direction.