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Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by brissybee
(Post 10483343)
New boy band out of Asia.
Wong Direction. |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!" |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Why did Colonel Sanders keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret?
Because he was so ashamed of them. |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
How do you keep flies from landing on your Big Mac?
Unwrap it. |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
young boy arrives home late from school.
"You are late", says his father, "where have you been"? "Sorry Dad", replies the boy. "I just had my first sexual experience in the park" "Ohhh" says the father, interested and proud of his son. "Sit down and tell me all about it". "Do you mind if I stand", says the boy. "My ass is still very sore".... |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Man goes to Thailand for a cheap penis extension.
The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk at £3000. The man agrees. Six weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner, his penis flips out, steals an apple off the table & goes back. 'Wow' she says, can you do that again? He says "my penis can, but i dont think my ass-hole can take another apple! |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
Three leprechauns, Mick, Sean and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, "fech me, I'm bored wid bein' fechin' nobody. I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book." "What de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit. You've dun nuttin' to get in de book for," says Sean. "Well, it's me hands, Sean," Mick says waving them around, "I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous." The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking quite heartily. A little while later Kevin pipes up, "Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guiness Book of records for yer small hands, so can I." The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, "How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool?" Kevin replies, "It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet," and he takes off his boots to show them. "I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de Guinness Book of Records too." The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking. Some time later Sean chimes in, "Well, if youse two can get into de Guinness Book of Records, I can too." The others fall about laughing. "What de fech have you got dat's so fechin' interesting?" cries Kevin. "It's me dick, Kevin," says Sean, and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy. "Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Sean," says Kevin. "Dat's the smallest fechin' dick I ever saw," and with that they all go back to their drinking. Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when out of the corner of his eye. Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office further down the street. "Jaysus," he says, "I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured," and off he staggers. Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face waving his hands in the air. "I did it. I did it," he says. "I'm in de Guinness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world. Nobodies got smaller hands dan me," he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward. "Go on ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on." "Fech it. I will" says Kevin and off he staggers. Ten minutes later, he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air. "Jaysus, I'm famous," he says. "I've got de smallest feet in de world. I'm famous. I'm famous." With that Sean staggers to the office door. "I'm gonna get me dick measured," he says, "I won't be long." The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by. Ten minutes turns into twenty and twenty into thirty. No sign of Sean. Forty minutes go by and the office door opens. Sean slouches out looking disconsolate. "Who the fechin' hell's Chris955 ?" |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by Bud the Wiser
(Post 10489717)
"Who the fechin' hell's Chris955 ?"
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Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by cresta57
(Post 10483462)
Shouldn't that be Wong Dilection?
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Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by slapphead_otool
(Post 10488106)
young boy arrives home late from school.
"You are late", says his father, "where have you been"? "Sorry Dad", replies the boy. "I just had my first sexual experience in the park" "Ohhh" says the father, interested and proud of his son. "Sit down and tell me all about it". "Do you mind if I stand", says the boy. "My ass is still very sore".... |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Just went the Tesco's cafe for a burger.
Waitress asked if I wanted anything on it so I put £5 each-way |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by steve`o
(Post 10492034)
Just went the Tesco's cafe for a burger.
Waitress asked if I wanted anything on it so I put £5 each-way |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by slapphead_otool
(Post 10492204)
These burger jokes wont last furlong. :unsure:
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Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by Zen10
(Post 10492632)
Tesco's isn't looking very stable right now, that's for sure.
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Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.†The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.†The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.†The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.†The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.†The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that! But what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!†“Oh, Thank God!†the man replies. "Yes,†says the Chinese doctor, "Youno worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money." |
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