|
The 2013 Joke thread....
An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' ‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah ...all are all same.’ |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey." "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
I was sitting next to a girl at the new years party when we got onto the subject of Ice-skating, "I used to always fall over whenever I went," she laughed, "I fell on my knees, hands, elbows, you name it."
"Awwww, and your face?" I replied. "No, never my face," she laughed. "Oh! so what happened there, then?" I asked. |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
After bypass surgery, a patient says to his doctor,
"Can I start having sex?" The doctor replies, "Yes, but only with your wife, your heart is not yet ready for any excitement!! |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Sign in a butchers:
WILL CUSTOMERS PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SITTING ON THE BACON SLICER. WE ARE GETTING A LITTLE BEHIND IN OUR ORDERS. |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by Wol
(Post 10457356)
An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' ‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah ...all are all same.’ |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
The Irish Millionaire.
Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush c) Magpie d) Cuckoo "I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..." Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Ohhh hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is, Maam." There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer, Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a f***in' clock!" |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
1 Attachment(s)
.
|
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Remember who is really important!!!
A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now" said the HR manager during the welcoming breifing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat....but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no!" After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, " Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but no, you had to go and eat someone important!!!!!" |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Two parrots are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
|
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
|
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
I don't give a flying f**k if the glass is half empty or half full.
There's always room for more alcohol. :beer: |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
An Irish Women was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex .
Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokia's, 3 Motorola's and Samsung! It's believed she wasn't raped as no Siemen was found ....... |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad’.
|
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
New boy band out of Asia.
Wong Direction. |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by brissybee
(Post 10483343)
New boy band out of Asia.
Wong Direction. |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!" |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Why did Colonel Sanders keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret?
Because he was so ashamed of them. |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
How do you keep flies from landing on your Big Mac?
Unwrap it. |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
young boy arrives home late from school.
"You are late", says his father, "where have you been"? "Sorry Dad", replies the boy. "I just had my first sexual experience in the park" "Ohhh" says the father, interested and proud of his son. "Sit down and tell me all about it". "Do you mind if I stand", says the boy. "My ass is still very sore".... |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Man goes to Thailand for a cheap penis extension.
The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk at £3000. The man agrees. Six weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner, his penis flips out, steals an apple off the table & goes back. 'Wow' she says, can you do that again? He says "my penis can, but i dont think my ass-hole can take another apple! |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
Three leprechauns, Mick, Sean and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, "fech me, I'm bored wid bein' fechin' nobody. I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book." "What de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit. You've dun nuttin' to get in de book for," says Sean. "Well, it's me hands, Sean," Mick says waving them around, "I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous." The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking quite heartily. A little while later Kevin pipes up, "Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guiness Book of records for yer small hands, so can I." The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, "How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool?" Kevin replies, "It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet," and he takes off his boots to show them. "I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de Guinness Book of Records too." The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking. Some time later Sean chimes in, "Well, if youse two can get into de Guinness Book of Records, I can too." The others fall about laughing. "What de fech have you got dat's so fechin' interesting?" cries Kevin. "It's me dick, Kevin," says Sean, and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy. "Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Sean," says Kevin. "Dat's the smallest fechin' dick I ever saw," and with that they all go back to their drinking. Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when out of the corner of his eye. Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office further down the street. "Jaysus," he says, "I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured," and off he staggers. Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face waving his hands in the air. "I did it. I did it," he says. "I'm in de Guinness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world. Nobodies got smaller hands dan me," he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward. "Go on ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on." "Fech it. I will" says Kevin and off he staggers. Ten minutes later, he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air. "Jaysus, I'm famous," he says. "I've got de smallest feet in de world. I'm famous. I'm famous." With that Sean staggers to the office door. "I'm gonna get me dick measured," he says, "I won't be long." The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by. Ten minutes turns into twenty and twenty into thirty. No sign of Sean. Forty minutes go by and the office door opens. Sean slouches out looking disconsolate. "Who the fechin' hell's Chris955 ?" |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by Bud the Wiser
(Post 10489717)
"Who the fechin' hell's Chris955 ?"
|
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by cresta57
(Post 10483462)
Shouldn't that be Wong Dilection?
|
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by slapphead_otool
(Post 10488106)
young boy arrives home late from school.
"You are late", says his father, "where have you been"? "Sorry Dad", replies the boy. "I just had my first sexual experience in the park" "Ohhh" says the father, interested and proud of his son. "Sit down and tell me all about it". "Do you mind if I stand", says the boy. "My ass is still very sore".... |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Just went the Tesco's cafe for a burger.
Waitress asked if I wanted anything on it so I put £5 each-way |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by steve`o
(Post 10492034)
Just went the Tesco's cafe for a burger.
Waitress asked if I wanted anything on it so I put £5 each-way |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by slapphead_otool
(Post 10492204)
These burger jokes wont last furlong. :unsure:
|
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Originally Posted by Zen10
(Post 10492632)
Tesco's isn't looking very stable right now, that's for sure.
|
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.†The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.†The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.†The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.†The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.†The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that! But what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!†“Oh, Thank God!†the man replies. "Yes,†says the Chinese doctor, "Youno worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money." |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
A man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "Single are you?" The man replies, very sarcastically, "How ever did you guess?" She replies, "Because you're ugly." |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
A geordie and a yank are doing some volunteer work in Mozambique and the yank says, "Where are you from?"
"Newcastle," replies the geordie. "Oh," says the yank, "what state is that in?" "About the same as this," says the geordie. |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Seamus and Paddy stagger out of the pub and are standing on the village green looking up at the flagpole.
Along comes a blonde and says to them, "What are youse two eejits looking at?" Seamus says, "We was wondering about the height of this here flagpole." "That's easy," says the blonde and proceeds to remove the lower bolt and walks the pole down to the ground. She then takes a tape measure out of purse, draws it along the pole and says, "There you are boys, 26 feet and 3 inches." "Jaysus," says Paddy, "you ask a blonde the height of a flagpole and she gives you the friggin' length." |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
An Afghani diplomat visiting the United States for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "But a man is sitting on the well!" |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning
against the headboard, smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!". |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "you should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said "you are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job and I can wait for my coffee". Wife replies, "no you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee". Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me". So she fetches the Bible, and opened The New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS" |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
I see some of these have appeared already, but what the hell......
So they have found a Horse burger in Tesco. What's next, My Lidl pony? Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle. Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had a £5 each way! Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted! Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night.... I still have a bit between my teeth. Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means 'Horse Meat Voucher' Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn Anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh? How would you like your steak? Win, place or show? "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF" “I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....." I guess Tesco just listened. Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions. A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!' I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres. These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO! Said to the missus these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots. To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian. TD :) |
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
Some great ones this year!
|
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
2 Attachment(s)
In light of recent discoveries:
|
Re: The 2013 Joke thread....
I thought my friend was joking when she said for her 40th she wanted to go to a Monkees concert in Switzerland… Then I saw her face.....
Now I'm in Geneva. |
| All times are GMT -12. The time now is 6:58 am. |
Powered by vBulletin: ©2000 - 2026, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright © 2026 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.