cresta57

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

cresta57

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence in Yarralumla (the Prime Ministers residence). One is from Canberra , another from Melbourne, and the third one is from Sydney. All three go with a government official to examine the fence. The Canberra contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works out some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run to about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me".
The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me" The Sydney contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers "$2,700". The government official, incredulous, says "You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’
The Sydney contractor whispers back "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the bloke from Melbourne to fix the fence". "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works."

midgetjan

'Viagra' is now available

in powder form

for your tea..


It doesn't enhance your sexual performance

but it does stop your biscuit going soft..

shears

does it work on hob nobs too?

Alfresco

Would they be people who are very proctective about cooking on their own stoves?

Wol

>>Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher?<<





















She couldn't control her pupils.[/quote]

scottishcelts

Big People Words


A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teache r insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?


'I went to visit my Nana'..

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done


'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?


'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'



Alex thought real hard about it,


then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'

midgetjan

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis..'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'

***IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

midgetjan

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.


"O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.


Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.


"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"


The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.


"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.



"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

midgetjan

OH HECK!! .... Let's Offend Everybody!


Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q.. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already
in the United States

midgetjan

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

midgetjan

A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant.



'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'.



The service assistant says 'I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'.



'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!'



The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says, 'Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the pub for a beer?'



The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, 'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.'



Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'



Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. 'Hmmmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again'.



Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede. 'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself.



'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'



The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'For *****'s sake man I heard you the first time, I'm just putting my shoes on!'

barbara2006online

A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed.
Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash. "Whats the eggs for"? asked the husband.
She replied "every time we had crap sex I would put an egg in the box.
"Not bad" says the husband. 3 eggs in 35 years.
: And the cash?" he asks.
"Every time I got a dozen I sold them" replied the wife.

Sally Simpson

Quite good for your 1st post ever after 3 years membership!

Alfresco

Good joke. Karma sent. Hope it's your first.

She was waiting for the right joke to come along!